Words

Sometimes words that you say to someone may take on a whole different meaning than what you meant for them to mean. A lot of times we think we are doing someone a favor with the things we say to them, and those words may hit a “nerve” or even bring back some memories of something that happened a long time ago in that person’s life. I’ve learned that we never know what is going on in someone else’s mind. We don’t know some of the experiences they have gone through. We don’t know what their inward battles are. The mind is a tricky thing. We allow all sorts of negative thoughts creep in, and we begin to analyze something that someone said to us. Our life experiences and choices that we make determine who we are today. Sometimes those choices are bad choices, but at least we didn’t just stand there and make no choice at all. I read something that said, no one can take your happiness away from you—unless you let them. How many times have I let someone take my happiness away from me? I can’t begin to tell you that number. And why did I let that happen? I think a lot of times, I am in agreement with what they have said to me. Do I want to be miserable and unhappy? I say that I don’t, but instead I wallow in my misery and unhappiness until I decide to pick myself up, shake off my boots, and decide that I’m not giving up my happiness for some remark that really didn’t mean anything. Words—we need to be so careful with what we say. You may never know the effect you had on someone in a negative way. We need to use our words to encourage each other. We need to tell those closest to us that we love them. I got a note from my daughter today that only said, I love you! That really meant a lot to me. I’ve already told her that starting March 1 will be the countdown for me again. I know it may sound crazy, but I think back to how I could have done things differently three years ago. What if you knew that someone close to you would only be here for a few more days? What would you do differently? What are the things that you would say to that person? Take a risk and reach out to someone and tell them how much you care about them. It could mean everything to them. DR 2/28/13

I Don't Want You to Ever Forget Me

When Charles was on Hospice, he started working on more clocks. I asked him why was he doing that? His response was, “I don’t want you to ever forget me.” I told him that there was no way I could ever do that. During that time he made me the most beautiful clock of all. I treasure all of them, but especially this one. I remember he didn’t like the way it turned out and he completely took it apart and started over. It is a large clock made out of oak and has parts on it painted black. It’s one of a kind and also very different from any he had ever made. I turned my radio to the classical station tonight and for the first time in many, many months they were playing a piece that was very familiar. I felt a closeness to Charles that I haven’t felt in a long while. I think mainly because it is almost the third year anniversary of when he died. No, you never forget. It has gotten easier to talk about him. I know for a long time I couldn’t talk about him without starting to cry. I don’t do that any more. I know he wanted me to be happy and move on with my life. It has been a slow process, but I think I am doing well with it. I’ve started working again and it feels really good. I feel like a brand new agent, but I’ll get in the groove again. It feels good to be out with people, and talking to other agents again. I have done some real estate, but not very much. Now, I want to. We can’t always dwell on the past. It’s gone forever. All we can do is think about all the good memories and good times. There is a future. I believe that even more good things are going to happen before I leave this earth. We have to cling to that hope, or we are already dead. Here’s to the future and I hope that when my time comes, there will be someone I can tell that I don’t want them to ever forget me. DR 2/27/13

Positive vs. Negative

Have you ever stopped and listened to yourself? So many times the things that come out of my mouth are so negative. I try to turn it around into something positive, but honestly sometimes it is so very hard. I know that what we speak are actually the things that happen. We are predicting our future of doom and gloom. Is it the way we were brought up? Is it because the world seems to be going in downward spiral? Do we really view ourselves in this way? Am I the only one who does this? I’ve been watching “In Session”, the trial of Jodi Arias. She killed her boyfriend and doesn’t remember stabbing him 29 times nor slitting his throat from ear to ear. She does remember shooting him. The prosecutor is now cross examining her and she has an answer for everything. She is trying to play the victim. She has told lie after lie. Someone told me, when you tell the truth, you always give the same answer. In her case, she has told many different stories. The thing I have noticed about her is that she is so positive in her outlook. She is confident that she will get out of the death penalty. I really don’t know how this is all going to end, but I have thought to myself, how can she sit there and tell all of these lies???? I remember a time long ago that I went to apply for a position. I did everything wrong—I didn’t have a resume and I wore a bright red dress. I found out when I got there that the position was for a nurse. Of course, I am not a nurse. I did get hired as a manager. I was known as the “lady in red”. My area manager told me later that I was the most confident person she had ever interviewed. Wow, I couldn’t believe it. If she only knew how little confidence that I had in myself. Maybe wearing red did it. The comments that they gave me really did boost my self confidence and I did believe that I was confident. So many times something negative will happen to us and we suddenly feel that we are worthless and not any good to anybody. I have felt this way so many times in my life. I am working on turning my negative self talk into more positive language. I’m the only one who can take charge of my life—well along with God that is. I know that good things are going to happen. But, then there’s that tinge of doubt that creeps in. Believe today that good things are in store for you, and speak out loud positive things. Keep the negative thoughts inside. Pretty soon, you will become what you always wanted to be. DR 2/26/13

Key Largo

I heard this song tonight and some sad memories came flooding back. This song reminds me of the divorce that I went through many years ago. I felt a great sadness while this song was playing. It’s amazing how a song can create a feeling that you had over 30 years ago. I never thought when I married the first time that I would ever go through a divorce. Even though I knew I had made a mistake in this marriage, I would have stayed married until I died. Someone told me that you need to decide what you can live with. For me, when your spouse is seeing someone else, well that just means that the love is not there. I decided that I could live with anything except that. I can say that divorce is not easy. So many angry words and actions take place and it’s just part of the process. Why can’t people stay together and be happy? I don’t know. I do know that in my second marriage, it was really different. I knew what I wanted and so did Charles. I’m not saying that it was easy, because I thought that we would not last through the first year of our marriage. He had been alone for a lot of years and I had been alone for almost three years. Yes, you get set in your ways. I don’t know what to tell anyone who is considering a divorce. I think you should go to a marriage counselor. Try to find out what is wrong and then take steps to fix the problem. For me, if you want to have someone different, then just get a divorce and start dating. Don’t date while you’re still married. Sometimes your marriage has been over for years and you’re still just there existing from day to day. It really doesn’t have to be that way. Sometimes it’s a matter of money, or you may lose a lot of your possessions. To me, money or possessions doesn’t mean as much to me as my being happy. Yes, the divorce was traumatic to me. I didn’t think that I could make it financially. I still had a little girl to take care of When I filed for the divorce, I went to each person I worked with and told them and then I asked them not to ask me any questions. I couldn’t talk about it. Can you get over it even when you know it’s over and been over for a long time? Yes, you can. I did and I don’t regret it. I would rather live alone for the rest of my life than be miserable with someone. Charles gave me almost 30 years of total happiness. He told people until he died that we were still on our honeymoon. With him, yes it was an undying love. His last poem he wrote to me had that title. Oh how I miss those poems. Well, Key Largo is a beautiful song and I read the words and they are beautiful. But, when I hear it, I think of a different time and place. DR 2/22/13

The People I Have in My Life

We always have a turnover rate of people who come and go in our lives. I think it’s exciting to meet new people. I hate losing family and friends though. Right now I feel so blessed with the people in my life. The people closest to me are my daughter, grandsons, son-in-law, my cousins next door, my aunt down the road, my aunt who is the same age as me, my uncle (her husband), my friend in Idaho, my cruising friend, my bridge walking friends, and on and on. I bet if you think about it, you have friends that you never really thought that you have. Yes, I’m meeting some new friends. I don’t know how some of those friendships will work out, but I’m having fun in the meantime. I saw a picture of my first mother-in-law on face book tonight and the memories started streaming back into my mind. She was always so good to me. I first knew her when I was 16. The last time I saw her was right before she died. After I divorced, I felt like I shouldn’t see her and I waited until one day I knew she was by herself. She hugged and hugged me and asked me why I had not been coming to see her. I told her she had a new daughter-in-law. She told me I would always be her daughter-in-law, and she told me how much she loved me. Yes, I really loved her. The picture I saw was of her and her son. He is also gone and so is his wife. Back then, I always thought these people would be in my life forever. As we get older, we realize that we lose a lot of people we love. I had another mother-in-law that I also loved a lot. I feel fortunate to have had two really good mothers-in-law. Some people never have the one. I have a friend since we were 11 years old. Throughout the years, we have talked or seen each other every week. We’ve been through babies, deaths of our husbands, and all of the other ups and downs of life. It’s hard to believe that we know each other so well and still like each other. I don’t think we’ve ever had an angry word toward one another. I never thought that some of my friends would be widows just like me. I really don’t even like to think of myself as a widow, but I am. If we live long enough, we see a lot of things. I always thought my parents would live forever and that they would always be the strong, independent people I always knew. Well, the tables were reversed. I became the strong, independent one for them. They took care of me, and then it became my turn to take care of them. Cherish and love all your friends and family.. DR 2/21/13

Depressed, Anxious, or At Peace

I shared this quote the other day: If you are depressed, you are living the past If you are anxious, you are living in the future If you are at peace, you are living in the present I’ve thought a lot about this and I can say I have experienced all three this week. I talked about my past with someone and it made me so depressed. All of the feelings that I had so long ago came rushing to the surface again. All of us have had things in our past that have depressed us. It’s amazing to me that some things that happened so long ago can suddenly feel like they’re happening again. It takes a little while to actually get over those depressed feelings again. I won’t go into what depressed me, but it did. I also experienced being anxious. I couldn’t even sleep because I was anxious. It is the unknown that makes us anxious. That can involve many things and situations. Mine was entirely unfounded. I should never have been anxious at all. It is amazing how after a few minutes all of the feelings of being anxious or nervous immediately go away. The things we worry about usually do not come true. I worry about if somebody will like me or not, if I say the right thing, do the right thing—but as I tell my friends, I can be professional for about five minutes and then Diane kicks in. I’ve decided that’s a good thing, because I am who I am and I can’t pretend to be any different. Now tonight, I am at complete peace. I’m not depressed because I’m not reliving memories of my past. I’m not anxious, because I overcame that today. I should never have questioned anything about what might have happened today. I’m at peace with my past, my future, and today. I know who is in control of my future and I know that everything is going to turn out the way it’s supposed to. I’m a “fixer” and I learned a long time ago, I’m not very good at it. If I just turn loose, things have a way of taking care of themselves. Well, actually when I turn everything over to God, He has a way of taking care of everything. The thing about that is I seem to want to help Him. You know, give Him a little guidance and a few hints along the way. I’ve learned that He has ideas of His own and they are much better than mine. All I do is tell Him and then I try to sit back and watch. It’s hard to sit back and watch sometimes—and that’s the problem. DR 2/17/13

Why is Love so Hard to Find?

I heard this question on a show I was watching on tv tonight. The answer was, you need to look in the right places. To this the other person responded, and where are these places? I’ve been wondering about this myself. As I look back on my life, I really found true love when I was young. What did I do, I chose to marry someone else and regretted it. When I divorced, I was determined to fall madly in love and I did. My life has seemed so easy until now. Loneliness sometimes envelopes my entire being. It is very difficult to find love again. Maybe I’m too picky. Maybe the choices are different. I asked my daughter what is wrong with me and she said that it is a matter of commitment. I told her that I had not asked anyone to be committed to me. So what is commitment? I remember when Charles and I first started seeing each other, he asked me to go to lunch with him one day. He wanted to talk to me and what he said was he wanted to tell me all the reasons why it couldn’t be just him and me. He started naming off the current girlfriends. When he finished, I told him that I didn’t want it to be just him and me. Looking back on that conversation, he knew he wanted it to be just him and me and it scared him. I knew that he only had a girlfriend for a maximum of six months and of course I was counting down. I passed the six month mark, seven months, eight months, and as the months went by I knew I would be with him the rest of our lives. He stopped seeing the other women in his life almost immediately. He was never ever going to get married again, and I never pushed it. When he did propose it was really funny. I had told him after two years of our dating that he had his own home and I had mine and Christi had five more years of school. I told him that we could still see each other, but after Christi graduated we would pick up where we left off. He agreed. After a few months, he asked to come over. As soon as he walked through the door, he said he couldn’t stand it anymore. He didn’t know what I was doing, where I was going, who I was seeing, but I always showed up every night at 10 p.m. I told him that was when he always called me and I had to go to work and Christi had school. He said, well, we just have to get married! I was shocked! I said, what did you just say? He said, scary isn’t it? He said those same words the first time he told me he loved me. Well, we had 25-1/2 years of a wonderful marriage. I’m not looking for another Charles. I am looking for somebody to care about me and want to share their life with me. Is it too much to ask to fall madly in love again? I don’t think so. I’ve asked God to send me someone and I truly believe there is someone out there just for me. DR 2/15/13

My Valentine

I’m afraid I was a little misleading when I posted on Facebook that I was taking My Valentine out to a steak dinner tonight. I also put that he is younger than me and very handsome. Well, all of this is true, except I didn’t put that it was my grandson, Christopher. Now, do you really think I am going to share who my Valentine really is on Facebook??? We had a really nice dinner, and I enjoyed spending time with him. I only have two grandsons and they are both wonderful young men. When I took him home, it seemed a little strange talking to a 20 year old about dating. I guess I should have talked to him sooner. He gave me some really good tips. I guess I need to explain here that I have never been the “typical grandmother.” My grandsons really do call me a cougar and I didn’t know what that term even meant. I have to admit that it is true because almost everyone I have gone out with have been younger than me. So far nobody has complained about the age difference. Christopher told me tonight that he was amazed that I am handling my life as well as I am. He really thought that Charles and my mother died only a year ago. I told him it will be three years in March. He said no wonder you’re doing so well. Yes, time really flies by and life goes on. I heard someone say to put an empty picture frame beside your bed, and each morning picture that you will be in that picture frame with your special someone. Well, you know I did. I knew I had just the frame because I could never find the right picture to put in it. On one side it has a verse, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. Henry David Thoreau” Each morning I look at that empty frame and I say, Thank you God I know that you know who you have in mind for me, I just wish you would hurry up and let me know who it is. I’m really not in that big a hurry. Each year I’m alone, it seems I like my privacy and my solitude even more. Sounds a little crazy, doesn’t it? Well, just think about it—I can do anything I choose. I also thank God that I had such a wonderful husband who taught me how to live after he was gone. We make a lot of choices in our life, and I know about the wrong ones I have made. But, I am where I am today because of those choices. Don’t complain about your circumstances. You can always change them. Sometimes it takes real guts to step out and decide to change. DR 2/13/13

Til I Can Make It On My Own

I heard this song on one of my cd’s tonight and I had to cry. I guess I’m having one of those times when I wonder if I’m going to have to always try to make it on my own. Several things have happened that I wish Charles were here to fix. He knew everything about our house and also what to do and who to call when anything broke. Now, it is up to me. Well, I just have to call my cousin, Leon. I told him the other day I didn’t know what I would do without him. Today, I went to my car and when I turned on the ignition, it said to check my tire pressure. Well, the left rear tire said that I had one pound of air in it. I had 8 houses set up to show, so the only thing I could do was say thank you God that I have a truck! Actually, it’s a very good truck, but it is a gas hog. The next thing I did was, yes, call Leon. He told me what to do and I know he’ll help me get the tire up enough so I can take it to be fixed. Thank goodness when I bought my tires I also purchased the tire warranty so my flats can be fixed free. I’m the queen of flats! I guess what I really needed was the dry humor that Charles used to use when anything upset me. He could always make me laugh and then the worst things never seemed to be that bad. I was really fortunate to have him in my life almost 30 years. He was my best friend and sometimes I wonder if I will ever find another best friend again. I truly believe that there is someone out there who needs a best friend too. When I listened to that song I was pulling into my dark driveway. I remember Charles always waiting for me and I could spill my guts to him. He was never judgmental and always encouraged me. Yes, I miss that. No one really knows how lonely life can be until they lose someone they truly loved. I thought I did, but I didn’t until it happened to me. Tonight it just seemed the loneliness had a grip on me. It seems my daughter always calls me at the right time and she can always sense when something’s wrong. I know I’m loved, but still there is a loneliness no one can understand until they are faced with it. So, as the song goes, I’ll get by until I can make it on my own…. DR

Wonders Never Seem to Cease

I am truly amazed at the many things that I am now doing and trying. I never thought in a million years that I would ever go on a cruise. I had seen several instances on tv where people had disappeared from the ship they were on. I guess I was afraid that I might be one of those to disappear, so I wiped that from my mind. Well, that is, until a friend whose husband also died a few years ago, suggested that we go. So, I said let’s do it. I have to admit that as it got closer to the time for us to leave, I really wanted to chicken out. But, putting on my “brave front”, I got into her car and we were off. I was really afraid that I would get seasick, but I didn’t buy anything to prevent it. I’m glad because I didn’t have the first signs of seasickness. My friend, Debbie, even made a short video for my daughter, telling her that she now needs to rock me to sleep every night because I loved the motion of the ship. The only thing I had was absolute bliss that I had entered into a fantasy world that I didn’t know existed. Our ship seemed to cater to playing a lot of rock n roll and of course I do love it and they played it loud which is even better for me. I loved seeing places that I have never seen, and I was surprised that my favorite was Key West. We went to tour Hemingway’s home and learned some facts about him I had not known before. We were told there were 45 living cats on the property—but the ones we saw appeared to be on knock out drops. We had to really stare to see if they were really breathing. We then went back to town and ate at Sloppy Joes, and there was a guy who sang a little bit of everything and was really good. Of course, we really liked it when he sang, Rocky Top Tennessee! We shopped some and then we thought we would head back to the ship. We walked directly to the wrong ship. We could see our ship. It was surrounded by water! We walked back into the town and caught the shuttle back to our ship. We would still be walking today trying to get there! The funniest thing was we were docked at a naval yard and we had to stop at the security and three naval guys came onto our shuttle and checked everyone’s passports. I tell you, I showed my passport so many times that on our way home, I almost flipped out my passport at Zaxby’s. Yes, I learned a lot, sang a lot, danced a lot, and oh yeah, ate a lot! It was a wonderful fantasy world and I can’t wait to do it again! DR 2/8/13

Well You Know, You're A Little Hyper!

A few days ago someone told me, well you know, you’re a little hyper. I began to say Oh no I’m not, and he said, there you go!!! And he said, you know that's not a bad thing. Well, I guess sometimes I do get a little hyper, but usually I’m a very laid back person. It is really very hard to get me angry—but if you’ve ever had a taste of it, you will never forget it. Charles used to tell me he couldn’t understand how I could always be so nice and sweet to people. I came in one day and told him, I hate everybody! He said, wow, I never thought I would ever hear words like that come out of your mouth! He said you love everybody. I told him, well not today! I really didn’t “hate” everybody that day! It had been a stressful day. But getting back to why I’m feeling a little hyper right now….. Everything seems to always be good in my life. I can handle most any challenge—but yesterday, I lost it. I’m sure you’ve had days like that. My grandson, Jonathan, had emergency surgery for his appendix. It had a black spot on it and already had gangrene and it was leaking. The doctor said they got him to the emergency room just in time before his appendix ruptured. So, Christi and Scott had not eaten all day, and I told them I would take Chloe (my Yorkie) over to their house and then go get them some food. Things didn’t work out that way. I went to the kitchen to wash out Chloe’s bowls and no water. I thought, the last time this happened Charles had forgotten to turn off the lawn sprinkler. No, it couldn’t be that! You see, I have a well…. If too much water is used, one of my tanks have to fill up before I get water again. I don’t know how these things work. Anyway, I go down to the laundry room and I have a major flood. The backwash (don’t even ask what that is) went off again and it looked like a downpour! I immediately called Leon (my cousin) and he rushed over. Before he hung up he told me to turn the well pump off. He was at my house under five minutes. I don’t know what I would do without him. Seemed like we had to have a million towels and mop and we worked furiously to get all of the water up. In the meantime, Debbie (Leon’s wife) called to see who we could get up here. He couldn’t come last night but said he would today. I feel like I camped out last night. I thought while we were getting the water up and trying to determine what needed to be done, that these are the times I wish Charles was still alive. He knew every inch of this house, well because he built it. I helped, but did I pay a lot of attention—no. Here I sit this morning and they still haven’t arrived. You may be wondering why I even wrote about my being a little hyper, well, I wasn’t a little hyper. Hyper isn’t even a good word for it. A million things went through my mind, but when I finally calmed down and thought everything through, this is definitely a challenge. Leon said this couldn’t have happened at a worst time and my comment back to him was oh yes, it could have been way worse, it could have happened when I was away. I would have had a flood downstairs and probably lost everything. Leon is going to see that everything is fixed by the time I get back. How did I get so lucky to have someone that I can call on like that? All I can say is Thank you Leon for always being there for me. And he isn’t even the one that said that I’m a little hyper. Timing means everything. And by the way, Jonathan is doing great! Thank goodness he got surgery just in TIME! DR 2/1/13