If

I’ve said that word so many times. “If” I could go back in time, “if” only I had done things differently. Now, I say, “if” only I could hear his voice again or “if” I could just see him one more time. Well, I got my chance. I’m going through some old videos. I wanted to put the videos of the construction of my house on a dvd. Imagine my surprise when I suddenly saw Charles again. Charles looking like he used to. Charles talking like he used to. No, I didn’t cry. For some reason, looking at all of these old videos gave me a peace that I cannot explain. Nancy was here with me watching. I popped in a video of one of our old family reunions. Yes, there was my mother and dad. Oh, I so miss the way they were. I miss going to their house. I miss taking my mother to Hamricks. I miss seeing my dad in his recliner. I miss my mother’s cooking. There are dishes that nobody will ever be able to copy, including me. I miss Charles sitting beside me in the computer room. I still find it hard to come in here. I miss seeing Charles walking back and forth between his two workshops. The last clock he made for me was during his time on Hospice. He could barely move. I asked him why is he doing this? He looked at me and said, “I don’t want you to ever forget me.” I told him then that I could never forget him. He was an amazing man. He taught me so much. He taught me to be independent. But, he didn’t teach me how to not be lonely. Of course, I have Chloe. She takes my mind off a lot of things. We take for granted the times that we spend with the people we love. There were so many on the reunion tape who are now dead. It was so good to see them again. Well, I can’t live with the “if’s” anymore. It looks like my future is my new beginning—my starting fresh. The only thing that I hate is that I’m “alone.” But, I do think that Charles would be proud of how much he really did teach me. DR 11/17/14