Only Time

I bought the cd a few years ago because I loved the song “Only Time” by Enja. Now the song really has a lot of meaning to it. I’ve given advice to some of my friends who have lost their husbands and told them not to make any major decisions for a year. Now, I really know that it does take “time” to mend your broken heart.

The chaplain from hospice called me today and wanted to know how I’m doing. He told me I had exchanged one type of stress for another type. Of course, I don’t want to go into detail about all of the little things I am coping with right now, but he is right. He told me that I’m lucky to have family and friends. I told him that even though I do, I still feel empty—all alone—like part of me is missing. He told me to take time just for me.

I paid my Toastmaster dues today and I so want to get started back because I loved it so much—but when it comes time to go, I just can’t make myself. I’m not ready to make any speeches right now. I want to be my funny self again and not break down and cry so much. I emailed the person who turns our dues in and she wrote me back that she understands. She told me that when her husband died, she missed several important functions. Once, she even got into her car and backed out and just pulled back into the carport again. She said it’s feeling somewhat like a wounded animal.

Ed, the chaplain, told me he would be checking on me again in a couple of months to see how I’m doing. He told me I would be going through many changes. I told him that right now I don’t know what my purpose in life is. What do I do now? I guess I was so busy taking care of everybody that when everyone is gone, I am left here all alone.

I really miss Charles calling me “my dearest, my darling, my lover, my all.” I miss his hugs, his off the wall comments. I miss him comforting me when I felt depressed. He always knew what to say and how to build up my confidence. I miss Charles calling me on the cell phone to just tell me he loved me. I miss holding hands with him at night and just talking. Oh, if I could have just one more day! Now when something goes wrong or breaks, I think, ok, what would Charles do? He sure wouldn’t panic the way I do. He always told me we would have challenges, not problems. We would look at the challenge and see if we could fix it and we couldn’t fix it, how we would respond to it. I don’t like facing these challenges alone.
I know someday I will see so many people I have loved here on earth, but the one person I want to see again is my Charles!

DR
9/27/10