Choices

Charles died 14 months ago today. I thought I could never face another day without him. Well, here I am and I am happy. Yes, I still think about him and I still miss him. But during the past 14 months, I have learned a lot of things about myself. I like my life. We make choices everyday—what to wear, what to eat, who to see, etc. The choices I’ve had to make are: living alone and liking it or disliking it—I have chosen to like it. I have chosen to be happy and find new things to do. It seems that I have entered into a fourth life.

My first life was lived as Diane German with my parents. I was so quiet and withdrawn. Friends I have now do not believe that, but when I was young I never talked. That’s the way life was when I was growing up.

My second life was lived as Diane Gasaway. I was married for 18 years and we had a daughter, Christi. Actually, that was a bad choice I made. Getting married at 18 was just too young. But, that was the choice I made and I’m glad that I have my daughter, Christi, as a result of that.

My third life was and still is being lived as Diane Rizzo. I married Charles for all of the right reasons. We were madly in love and until the day Charles died, he always said we were still on our honeymoon. I really miss him. He taught me a lot of things. I told him before we married that I would never be submissive. He told me he wanted me to be independent and learn to do things on my own. I have to admit that I truly was submissive but it was easy. The man spoiled me and treated me like a queen. Now, everyday was not perfect—we had our ups and downs—we were human. But, I have to admit that I usually got my way. I love clocks and he made me a lot of them.

Now, I’m in my fourth life. I’m still Diane Rizzo, but who am I really? What lies ahead for me now? I don’t know, but I do know that I am still making choices of what I want to do. The last year of Charles’ life, I realized that “things” are not what makes me happy. We enjoyed his last months together. He wanted to go to bed and hold hands and talk. Now, I have the company of my little Yorkie. She doesn’t talk but she sure acts like she wants to. I enjoy little things. I enjoy my family more. I’m listening more.

Choices make up our entire life. What would I have done differently? Probably nothing. Right now, I love my life, and I want to live everyday to the fullest. I do have some things on my “bucket” list. I’ll have to write about those—but another time.

Take the time to grieve—it’s part of life.

DR
5/22/11