A Year Ago Today

On the news all I’ve heard and read about is that the world was supposed to have ended today. Well, we’re all still here, thank goodness. But, as I read these news articles I couldn’t help but think back to a year ago today. My world as I knew it, ended that day when my dad died. When he died, I had already lost my mother and my husband a little over two years before. All of a sudden my responsibilities ended. My dad was the most difficult of the three to take care of, and he died with the most suffering. He had Parkinsons and the last year he lived, he needed sitters most of the time. He had a stroke and was paralyzed on his left side, couldn’t eat and drink, and could not talk. I only hope that he wasn’t aware of how bad it was. What I have learned is that life goes on. Death is a part of life. It’s a tough part of life, but with it we learn a lot. I don’t know why we have to go through some of the things that we go through, but that’s life. You can either let it destroy you with depression and despair, or you can go on with your own life. You don’t have to sit down and wait to die. There’s a lot out there to enjoy. After my dad died, I said none of them are coming back, what do I do now? Well, I have a lot of things I want to do before I “die”. I feel great today. Life is good. Life is what you make it. DR 12/21/12

I Know How You Feel

Sunday I heard these words in a sermon. I haven’t forgotten them. I heard them a lot when my husband, my mother, and my dad died. I used to say these same words to someone when they lost someone, but I really didn’t have a clue how they felt until I experienced the three closest people to me die. There are really no words to describe the feelings I had. I guess all of these feelings have come back to me because my dad died this month a year ago. It was really hard to watch my dad die. He had a stroke and couldn’t eat, drink, speak, and was paralyzed on his left side. I remember holding his hand and telling him that he was a good daddy to me and I told him how I remembered all of the good times we had. As I held his hand he looked at me and tears were going down his cheeks. I knew that he could hear me and understand what I was saying. The day my husband died he couldn’t communicate with me at all. I took Charles into my arms and told him it was ok for him to go. He didn’t need to suffer anymore and then I told him all of the things that he had worried about leaving me with. He had told the priest many times that he couldn’t leave me because I needed him. I tried to reassure him that I would be ok and that he had taught me how to take care of myself. I had no idea that in just a few hours he would close his eyes and be gone in just a blink of an eye. My mother went to sleep and never woke up. I had never been around death and all of a sudden everyone was gone. Everyone deals with the loss of someone differently. Charles and I had planned for his death for 14 years. I know that sounds crazy, but God let him live an additional 14 years. Each time we had a scare we would get out all of the papers and documents to make sure everything was in order. I remember when he had just gotten on hospice he leaned on the bedroom door and told me that he was dying. I looked at him and told him that he had told me that many times and he had never gone anywhere. We both laughed. He used to tell everyone that his new apartment was on the mantle and he would be in there one day—and now he is. Be careful when you tell someone you know how they feel, because I know now that I don’t have a clue as to how someone really feels. It’s also strange how those feelings come rising back up and you feel like you did just when it was all happening. I never thought that I could make it without any of them, but I have. I miss all of them. I miss being able to pick up the phone and call my mother. I miss hearing my dad telling me to be careful when I would leave. I miss seeing Charles standing at the window waiting for me to come home. I have wonderful memories—but they are not coming back. Life goes on. I read a quote, “Don’t be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.” I feel like my life has just begun again. I look forward to each new day. I know that God has allowed me to love again. I didn’t think almost three years ago that would be possible. I’ve learned that you must grieve—it’s a process and each person goes through it differently. DR 12/18/12

La Vie Est Belle

This is the name of my new fragrance and it means “Life Is Beautiful”. The fragrance I had been wearing for years, “Brown Sugar”, was discontinued. I really hate to find a new fragrance that I like, but I knew I had to. I have a hard time because some fragrances truly make me sick. I cannot be around anyone who has on a musk fragrance. Years ago, I was on annual leave from my TVA job and when I came back the person filling in for me must have taken a bath in musk. I had to sterilize everything, including my telephone. It was awful. One time I loved the fragrance, “Ambush” and so I bought some. I truly smelled like I had been “ambushed” with that one. There are just some fragrances that change with my body chemistry. While I was in California, I thought I could find something that I liked. The girl at the Lancome counter told me that “La Vie Est Belle” was brand new and had a lot of natural ingredients in it. She also said that “men” really like it. Oh well, that last comment sold me on it, so I bought it. Actually, I really like the way it smells, and it doesn’t turn “ugly” on me. A long time ago I wrote about people were always telling me that I smell good. I was showing homes to one of my clients, and she told me that everytime she got into my car she wanted to eat sugar cookies. She asked if it was me or if it was my car. I told her it was me. It really became very humorous to me and so I asked my husband if I smelled good and he said that you just smell like Diane. I took that as a compliment. I have to say that people are beginning to comment on my “new” fragrance and telling me that I smell good. Guess I picked the right fragrance after all. But the best thing about this fragrance, that I couldn’t even pronounce the name, is that it means “Life is Beautiful.” I love the meaning because to me Life is Beautiful and it gets better every day. DR

What My Parents Did Right

I have always thought about what my parents did wrong until one night while we were walking, Mitchell told me he had heard “What My Parents Did Right” as a title of a book and how it had changed his thinking. I have to admit that it has changed mine as well. My dad died December 21, 2011, and so I have had that on my mind this month. As a tribute to him, I am going to talk about some of the things that my parents did right. I can honestly say I was a “daddy’s girl.” My mother was the one to be feared. When she got mad at me, her eyes would get as big as saucers. Well, at least in my perspective they did. I can remember when I was in the first grade my mother told me to not get on the merry-go-round. Well, she shouldn’t have said that because I just had to try that. I guess I didn’t hold on properly and I was “skinned” all over my arms and legs. My mother worked second shift and my dad worked first shift, so he was the one at home when I got there. I told him what I had done and he doctored all of my cuts and scratches. I was terrified what my mother would do since I had disobeyed her. I was awake when she came home and I remember she was angry when my dad told her what had happened. My dad told her that she shouldn’t say anything because he was sure that I had learned my lesson. Yes, my daddy always took up for me. He would go to town on Saturday and would always bring me back a book. I loved mysteries even back then and he would bring me a Nancy Drew mystery or some other kind he thought I would like. The last doll I ever got was a Terri Lee doll and I received a magazine with her. It had a “pen pal” page and as a result, I had a lot of pen pals. I had as many as 50 pen pals and I can remember my dad telling me that I would have to give most of them up because stamps had gone up to 3 cents. Now, I’m really telling my age. I had leg aches a lot and my dad would rub my legs with alcohol. I think now they say that’s a bad thing to do, but it sure relieved my leg aches. He would also do some of my “chores” when I got sick. I know it sounds like I’m not saying good things about my mother, so I need to change this to what my mother did right. My mother taught me to cook, sew, and clean house. She was very picky and demanding, but now that I look back, this is a good thing that she taught me. My mother was a hard worker and she demanded the same out of me, and yes, also my dad. My mother never liked desserts, but my dad and I did. My specialty in cooking became desserts and especially anything chocolate. My dad’s favorite was chocolate chiffon pie. My dad said he could spread chocolate syrup on a piece of white bread and be happy. What did my parents do right? They must have done a lot of things right because I think I turned out to be a good, moral person. Think about what your parents did right. We focus on too many of the bad things. DR 12/10/12

Been Thinking About What I Like

Have you ever thought about the things that you really like? There are things that I like and there are things that I really, really love! Tonight was one of the things that I really, really love! We haven’t walked in a couple of weeks—well because I was out of town—and tonight we did our walking over the bridge. Since I’ve heard the song, River of Dreams, I like to think of it that way. I walk with Angela and Mitchell and we talk about so many things and I think that sometimes I have been the inspiration for some of Mitchell’s sermons. It feels so good to be able to be with friends that you feel so comfortable with. So, we laugh and discuss many things. We have solved a lot of world problems crossing that bridge! What else do I like? Well, today I went by my daughter’s office and spent some time with her. It’s amazing that the older I get the smarter my daughter gets. I value her opinion and she is so talented. Guess she got all of that from me, at least I would like to take some of the credit. I had lunch with one of my good friends today. I almost hate to say that having lunch with a friend is one of my favorite activities, but it is. Before my husband died, he said over and over that he wanted me to go have lunch every day with one of my friends. Guess he knew me pretty well. I’m not a person who is concerned more with “things” but rather giving my time or someone spending time with me means more than anything. I love coming home and that my dog, Chloe is so happy to see me. Yeah, it sounds so silly, but this is unconditional love and I eat it up. No matter what, Chloe loves me and is glad to see me. I love fresh flowers, and I treat myself to having them. I love clean sheets. There’s nothing like taking a shower and sliding in between the clean sheets. My list can go on and on and it looks like I “love” things more than just “liking.” When I think of more, I’ll to add to my list. Start thinking about you like and what you love. Most of the time we think about what we don’t like. Try changing your thoughts! DR 12/5/12

Jet Lag

Seems I have been battling “jet lag” going to California and also returning back home. I always wake up at 6 a.m. so in California I woke up every morning at 3 a.m. I kept thinking it was later than it was in California and now I keep thinking it’s earlier. The funny thing is that no matter what time I eventually go to sleep since I’m back, I still wake up at 6 a.m. That is not to say that I am fully functional at that time. I get up, stagger to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. I have never been a “morning” person. My mother was a morning person. She would be so cheerful and I just wanted peace and quiet. Charles was also a morning person. I remember the first time we rode into work I didn’t talk. When we got to work, Charles said you didn’t talk to me all the way in to work. I told him that I am not a morning person and I never talk very much in the mornings. I am a night person. He said that I would talk to him. I guess you could say that was our first disagreement in the parking lot. I can say that after that morning I did talk. We had a 45 minute drive every morning and each evening and those are very pleasant memories. Guess I reverted back to silence in the mornings—Chloe (my Yorkie) doesn’t talk very much either. Why do our bodies react this way? I had just gotten used to the time change and now this. Well, I think I’m finally getting back to “normal.” Tonight I’m even sleepy at a decent hour. But I know that I will wake up at 6 a.m. no matter what. DR 12/2/12