I Know How You Feel

Sunday I heard these words in a sermon. I haven’t forgotten them. I heard them a lot when my husband, my mother, and my dad died. I used to say these same words to someone when they lost someone, but I really didn’t have a clue how they felt until I experienced the three closest people to me die. There are really no words to describe the feelings I had. I guess all of these feelings have come back to me because my dad died this month a year ago. It was really hard to watch my dad die. He had a stroke and couldn’t eat, drink, speak, and was paralyzed on his left side. I remember holding his hand and telling him that he was a good daddy to me and I told him how I remembered all of the good times we had. As I held his hand he looked at me and tears were going down his cheeks. I knew that he could hear me and understand what I was saying. The day my husband died he couldn’t communicate with me at all. I took Charles into my arms and told him it was ok for him to go. He didn’t need to suffer anymore and then I told him all of the things that he had worried about leaving me with. He had told the priest many times that he couldn’t leave me because I needed him. I tried to reassure him that I would be ok and that he had taught me how to take care of myself. I had no idea that in just a few hours he would close his eyes and be gone in just a blink of an eye. My mother went to sleep and never woke up. I had never been around death and all of a sudden everyone was gone. Everyone deals with the loss of someone differently. Charles and I had planned for his death for 14 years. I know that sounds crazy, but God let him live an additional 14 years. Each time we had a scare we would get out all of the papers and documents to make sure everything was in order. I remember when he had just gotten on hospice he leaned on the bedroom door and told me that he was dying. I looked at him and told him that he had told me that many times and he had never gone anywhere. We both laughed. He used to tell everyone that his new apartment was on the mantle and he would be in there one day—and now he is. Be careful when you tell someone you know how they feel, because I know now that I don’t have a clue as to how someone really feels. It’s also strange how those feelings come rising back up and you feel like you did just when it was all happening. I never thought that I could make it without any of them, but I have. I miss all of them. I miss being able to pick up the phone and call my mother. I miss hearing my dad telling me to be careful when I would leave. I miss seeing Charles standing at the window waiting for me to come home. I have wonderful memories—but they are not coming back. Life goes on. I read a quote, “Don’t be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.” I feel like my life has just begun again. I look forward to each new day. I know that God has allowed me to love again. I didn’t think almost three years ago that would be possible. I’ve learned that you must grieve—it’s a process and each person goes through it differently. DR 12/18/12