Jonathan

I was sitting here trying to do some work, but I keep thinking back to 17 years ago. Actually, a few months before that January 29, Christi asked me to go with her and Scott for her sonogram to find out what her baby was going to be. I knew this would be my only chance to have a granddaughter and I was totally convinced that the baby would be a girl. Well, it turned out that there would not be a granddaughter in my future--another boy! At the time I was devastated! Can you imagine, I was the one who was disappointed! Do you know how hard it is to buy for a boy? Well at that time it was. I don’t feel that way any more. Boys keep you updated on all the latest technology! Back to my story…. I used to crochet a lot and then I quit. I crocheted some things for Christopher and I decided that I would crochet a christening “dress” for number 2. It was beautiful and so feminine! Just the ideal dress for a little baby girl. After the initial shock, I was looking forward to Jonathan’s birth. We knew exactly the date he would be born because it had to be a caesarean. When I first saw Jonathan, I fell in love with him immediately. He had a head full of beautiful hair! He looked so much like Christi when she was first born. Well Jonathan did wear the christening dress when Scott and Christi dedicated him to God. The difference was he wore a little body suit underneath and he looked fine. Jonathan has grown into one of the best young men I’ve known. I know he’s my grandson and I am absoloutely prejudiced! I won’t deny it! But, he is a very responsible young man. Oh, did I mention that he is never at a loss for a girlfriend? He is a careful driver, works, manages his money, makes good grades, and is a junior in high school. He is planning to go to college to become an engineer—not sure what kind yet. Well, I go on and on, but the memories kicked in and I wanted to get some of them down on paper. Happy Birthday, Jonathan! I love you very much! DR 1/29/13

Hope Springs

One Sunday night I was checking my email on Match.com when a chat message came up. This guy wanted to chat and when that happens, I go back to their profile to see what they look like. I told him that he doesn’t even have his picture in his profile and besides he was younger than me. He told me that he didn’t have one to upload yet, and he’s only a few years younger. We chatted back and forth and he could throw out an answer as soon as I asked one. Yes, I liked that. He had a sense of humor that I could detect through our chatting. We chatted for maybe an hour or more and he said it was past his bedtime. We decided to go to lunch and a movie on Wednesday. The next morning he sent me a message and asked me to text him on his phone. I did with the message, now you have my cell phone number. He responded with, I gave you mine first. Yeah, I had to laugh. We started texting and he said, let’s get this over with today—you can see if you like the way I look. He said when I got finished with my appointment to text him and we would try to go to the afternoon movie. It worked out, and we agreed to meet at the theater. I arrived first and I telephoned my daughter to tell her that I was doing something that I never dreamed in a million years that I would do. She asked me what??? I told her about the chatting and now I’m sitting in the parking lot in front of the theater to meet someone I had no idea of what he looked like. She asked me what movie we were going to see and I told her “Hope Springs.” Well, she went ballistic—she said, Mom, that movie is full of sex! I said oh no, what am I going to do? I can’t go to a movie with somebody I’ve never met and see a movie full of sex. About that time he tapped on my window. I told Christi, he’s here! I’ve got to go. I hurriedly got out of my car and instead of saying who I am and letting him say who he was, I said, we can’t see this movie!!! He asked why and I told him my daughter said it was full of sex. Well, he just grinned and said well, we’re adults, and you said you wanted to see this movie. Surely we can handle it. I said okay and we went in. Oh, by the way, he looked great! After the initial shock, I looked at him to really see how he appeared. Well, my daughter was right! She really didn’t tell me everything, she let me find out for myself. Actually, the movie was really good and Tommy Lee Jones was great. We laughed through a lot of the scenes. Guess, it was better to laugh instead of crawling under the seats. Then the movie was over and he walked me to my car. He leaned over to give me a peck on the lips, and would you believe it, our lips STUCK! I was so embarrassed. We just kind of looked at each other and I got into my car and he went to his. I called my daughter to let her know everything was ok and he was ok and he looked fine. He was actually the humorous guy I thought he would be. She asked me about a “particular” scene and I told her it was ok even when Meryl Streep was practicing on a banana. Oh, you just don’t take someone you’ve never met to a sex-filled movie. About that time I got a text, “I believe our lips sticking together is a good sign, don’t you”? These are the comments that make me laugh. He could take an embarrassing moment and make it funny. Hum, kind of sounds like me. If you can’t laugh, just crawl up and die somewhere. Well, I’ve shared how I met someone for the first time, and it wasn’t the last time I saw him.. DR 1/27/13

Living in the Moment and Enjoying the Moment

I saw Jennifer Lopez this morning on I believe it was Good Morning America. I usually don’t watch tv of the morning, but they had predicted a winter storm warning and I was waiting for it to arrive. Anyway, during the interview she was talking about her new boyfriend who is 18 years younger than her. There was quite a discussion and how her mother felt about it and all, but then Jennifer made the comment that she had decided to just live in the moment and enjoy the moment. I’ve thought about that all day. How many times are we planning ahead? There’s always something that takes up our time besides actually living in the moment. Sometimes living in the moment is not an enjoyable time. But how many of us really and truly live and enjoy the moment? Today I kept thinking how much I wanted to get out, but when the trees started to look icy, I thought I’d better stay in. I decided to live in the moment and enjoy it. Chloe really enjoys living in the moment, especially when I’m home all day. What better friend can you have than your dog who has unconditional love for you? Toward the end of my husband’s life, he wanted to lay in bed and hold hands. I have to admit that it was one of the hardest things I ever did. I wish I could turn back time and actually live and enjoy those moments. It was all I could do to lay there and talk about things. I couldn’t wait to go to the living room and cry. Why do our emotions have to kick in like that? I sure didn’t want him to see me cry. Some of the things he told me was--after I’m gone, I want you to have fun. Yeah, right. How do you do that? He said I want you to go to lunch every day with one of your friends. He said I know how you love to meet your friends. You see, in the last six months of his life, I stayed home with him. I don’t regret it, but I can’t say that I enjoyed those moments. Looking back, I wish I could have enjoyed those moments with him. I know he enjoyed me staying with him. I don’t know why I am talking about this today, I don’t usually bring this up, but maybe there is somebody who needed to hear this. It was my first time to watch somebody die right before my eyes and I couldn’t do anything about it. If that is happening to you, live in the moment and enjoy each moment you still have with them. Now, the moments I really enjoy are the times I spend with my daughter and family. Last night I was over there and Scott and I decided to watch “Elementary”. We took turns sleeping through the entire hour. Christi got tickled. Scott snored, I hope to goodness that I didn’t. His snoring would wake me back up. But, I enjoyed every moment that I was there. Think about living in the moment and really enjoying it. Don’t look ahead about what you are going to do tomorrow or the next day. Live and enjoy now! DR 1/25/13

Winter Storm Warning

Yes, as always I am prepared to stay in again! All the schools are closed. Of course we told Jonathan that all Walker County schools are closed, but Ridgeland High School will start on time. I guess I’m believable….. I hope Christi told him different. It’s amazing how our entire city goes on shut down. I remember years ago when I worked at TVA, Charles had just relocated to the south. He asked me who Luther was. I told him I grew up with Luther. He said, but he’s saying get stocked up with milk, bread, and kerosene. Charles was used to snow and he was amazed how we are here. I have my wood ready for my woodburning stove in case the power goes off and plenty of candles. I even have a cot in that room. Chloe and I will stay warm. I sure hope that doesn’t happen though. I guess I’ll have plenty of time to reflect on what I can do to better my life. Seems like when I think I have everything figured out, I get thrown for a loop. Oh well, isn’t that what life is all about anyway? I still have a tendency to just stay in my house and not go anywhere, see anyone, talk to anyone, or even get out of my pajamas! Pity party! Do you have things in your own life that you just wish you didn’t do? Pity parties are what I wish I could throw away! I’m working on it, and I am doing better. I have a list made of all the things I am truly thankful for. Sometimes I have to read it several times to get it through my thick head. Well, I do have a crochet project I’m going to do. I would describe it, but I’m afraid it would surprise you what I’m doing. Yes, I think it will be my little secret. Of course the person I’m making it for is going to love it! I’ll have plenty of time to work on it tomorrow if we really do have the sleet, ice, and snow. I’m sure I’ll get it even if the valley escapes. Time to stop rambling. It helps me to put my thoughts on paper. It’s scary sometimes the things that go on in my head—not really! DR 1/25/13

Imaginary Worlds

A few years ago I made a speech at Toastmasters about my imaginary world. At that time, Charles was on Hospice and dying from cancer. One of the ways I coped with him dying and also my parents being sick was to play Farmtown on facebook. I made a lot of friends during that time. One of the things about Farmtown was I had a very large garden and people would harvest my crops. After they finished, our little avatars would stand in the field and talk. I still have a good friend in North Carolina and I’ve never met her, but I know her really well. I could pour my heart out to her and Charles could not hear all the pain I was in. It is very hard to watch someone slowly die right before your eyes. When I was growing up, I had another imaginary world. That world was in the books that I read. I could be anybody, go anywhere, and do anything my heart desired. My parents were very strict and wouldn’t let me out of the house. I made another speech at Toastmasters that I had led three lives. The first life was spent with my parents and I felt like I was in jail and when I married the first time it developed into prison and in my third life I escaped prison and married Charles. I always said he set me free. I became “me” for the first time in my life. Sometimes I miss having my imaginary world. For two years I was numb and could sit for hours and just stare. Right now I can’t imagine how I ever did that. I’m in the real world now and sometimes it’s a scary place to be. Sometimes I just want to revert back into an imaginary world—but right now I don’t know where that would be either. Do I sound confused? Well, sometimes I am. I still hit low times in my life, and I become the star of my pity party. Sometimes they last just a little bit too long, but then I realize that I am blessed and very fortunate with my health and my friends and family. Someone told me today that I had just started living again. Living again—it’s good to be living again! DR

Snow

Here I sit looking out my window again wondering if snow is truly coming. When I first heard the prediction this morning, my thoughts went back to the last winter that Charles spent with me. He was in a wheelchair by then and it snowed. It snowed several inches and I thought what am I going to do if he dies? Nobody can get here. It truly made me a nervous wreck. Instead of enjoying the beauty and peacefulness of the snow, I could only worry. By this time, Charles really didn’t worry about anything like that. He enjoyed the snow, but I couldn’t share with him my worries. Well, thank goodness when his time came, there wasn’t any snow and my worries were in vain. Charles told me many times that the things we worry about usually never come to pass. He always told me that I even worry about having nothing to worry about. He was right. I’ve always been a worrier. I try really hard not to worry and sometimes I’m pretty successful. Other times, well, not so successful. So, is the snow coming? I really don’t know. I’m in, I’m warm, I’m ready in case the power goes out. Oh, maybe I should go make some coffee to put in a thermos. I can conquer anything if I have enough caffeine! DR 1/17/13

Waiting

This morning I keep looking for the guys to show up to finish some work at my house and I suddenly thought that it seems like half of my life is spent waiting. I’m sure you probably have thought that also. We go to the doctor and what do we do? We wait. Not only do we wait in the waiting room, but they take you back into another room where you continue to wait. I’m always waiting on something or somebody. I have to tell you that I’m not the most patient person in the world. When I order something, I want it now, but I have to wait. Sometimes it seems like the waiting is endless, but in the end, it was worth the wait. I remember my dad told me years ago, the things in life that we want, sacrifices have to be made. That statement also applies to almost anything in our life and most of the time, it involves waiting. DR 1/16/13

Raining Frogs

I was out in the rain today and I thought back to a time many years ago. We lived on Lookout Mountain then and the drive home took us 45 minutes. By the time we would get home, it would always be dark. On this particular night it was raining really hard. When we turned onto our road we noticed something strange. We stopped the car and got out and this is the honest truth, it was raining “frogs”. I have never seen that before nor since that time. It looked like thousands of little frogs. They were all over our car. If I had had my camera then like I carry it now, I would have proof of that night! DR 1/14/13

Roll Tide

If someone had told me a year ago that I would be watching the Alabama/Notre Dame game this year, I would have told them they were nuts. I have watched every Alabama game this season and have thoroughly enjoyed each one of them. The BCS championship game was thrilling. The comments on facebook were also thrilling. I lived in Alabama for a short time. I would say that was in my “second” life. I haven’t talked much about that time period. My first husband was an associate pastor in a church in Wetumpka, Alabama. Wetumpka is close to Montgomery. I can remember when we first moved there my daughter Christi was only 4 years old. She asked me one day why everyone there was named “Bubba.” I’ll have to write about those experiences in Alabama someday. Before moving there I always considered myself a southerner, but they considered us from the “north.” I loved Alabama and some of my friends here live in Bridgeport which is only 30 miles from me. I’ve learned that if you were born in Alabama, you’re always partial to Alabama and especially the “Crimson Tide.” It seems Alabama is in your blood. I still don’t know a lot about football—but I can tell when a touchdown is made. I can also tell when there is a good team spirit. Yes, you’re never too old to like something new. For me—football—but it has to be Alabama, Crimson Tide. DR 1/8/13

Tough Times Don't Last, Tough People Do

I was watching a tv show and this quote was used many times. After it was said about the fifth time, it hit me. That is so true. I’m going to share my “tough time” experience in a way I’ve never shared before. It’s a little scary for me to really “open” up to my real thoughts and feelings, but here goes. My tough times began in January 1996. Charles and I had moved to the mountain and lived in a rental house a mile from where we were building our new house. It was extremely cold that winter and we had many problems in the rental house. In the front part of the house were most of our belongings in boxes. I believe we were into every box before we ever left that house. The house was very old and the roof leaked—right into several of our boxes. Our water pipes froze, the electrical was so outdated and almost everything caused the power to go off. We had problems getting people to our new property to do the work. Charles was subcontracting the work out. He would go to the property and wait for hours for someone to show up and he was out in the brutally cold. He got sick and the doctor was treating him for the flu. He wasn’t getting any better and they determined it could not be the flu. It took a long time before we knew that it was really his heart. I couldn’t work anymore and all of a sudden we were in a dilemma. We had a house partially done, living in rent, most of my boxed possessions ruined by water, and I thought what am I going to do? Because I couldn’t work, I put everything on credit cards and accumulated a massive debt that I didn’t know how I could pay off. During this year of 1996 the doctors had agreed that if Charles didn’t get an emergency heart transplant that he would not live to see Christmas 1996. I won’t go into the details of all that here, but he recovered without the heart transplant. I’m not saying that he was totally healthy again because he wasn’t. He lived another 14 years with his heart only operating at 25 percent and that isn’t even what killed him—cancer did. Needless to say, he got better enough to finish our house—the upper level—just enough for us to move in. We stored everything else in the basement until the garage could be built. It was a wonderful feeling that we moved in, but I actually hated this house. At first it reminded me of everything bad that had started to happen to us because Charles was never the same healthy person he had been. There is something about someone being really sick, you have to accept that the sickness is there. Charles always told me that in life you don’t have “problems”, they are “challenges” and with each challenge we look at it and see if it is something we can solve or if not, how we will deal with it. Changing that one word has meant a lot to me. Well, when Charles lived and we moved into this house I had a new problem—we were in debt. If he had died, the insurance money would have saved me, but instead I had to tell him. That’s another story too, but I can say that this “challenge” brought us together even more. I am an only child and as my parents got older, they became more dependent on me. I worked really hard and I also had my husband, mother, and dad depend on me to get them to their doctor appointments. I guess it was the year around 2005 or so that things really got bad. One Sunday morning my mother woke up with her left eye closed. We really didn’t think so much about it, but I took her to the emergency room and we spent the day there. Her problems started that day. It just seemed that each day got worse for her. I took her to a retina specialist once a month to get a shot in her eyeball because she had macular degeneration. When they got that under control after 18 months, she had the cataract on that eye removed. During this time, she couldn’t drive anymore because she couldn’t see very well. After this surgery, she had a large stroke and it threw her into Alzheimers/dementia. She had had this all the time, but we all made excuses—she’s getting old, she’s forgets, etc. My mother had always been a person that took care of herself, everything matched, her hair just so, and all of a sudden she would put on something dirty, she couldn’t find her purse, she didn’t comb her hair, she didn’t wash her body. But, we all found excuses. My dad had already been diagnosed with Parkinsons and Charles had just finished 45 radiation treatments and 9 chemo treatments. He had an anaphylactic reaction to the first chemo. He almost died. When they found him, he was already in shock, fingernails turned blue, and his eyes had rolled back into his head. When I got there he was still in shock. Nobody told me what was going on and then the parametics showed up. I walked behind them as they took him to the emergency room and I called my daughter crying. I told her that I didn’t know what was going on and I needed her. She left her job and got there in just a few minutes. Well, after that I stayed with him when he took the chemo treatments. For 9 Fridays I spent the entire day with him while he took chemo. I don’t regret a minute of it. I had just started a new job, I was the Managing Broker at our new real estate office. I had never done that before so I was learning everything. Going to my new office became my sanctuary. When I first moved into there, I thought an office with no windows would drive me insane, but it didn’t. I needed that solitude just for me. Things just continually got worse and my mother had to go to a nursing home until I could figure out what to do. In the meantime my dad was living alone and I found him on the floor a couple of times. The second time I had him sent to the hospital. My dad became very angry with me and blamed everything on me. My dad had never raised his voice to me in my life and all of a sudden I was a smart alec know it all. I cried over my mother, the changes she was going through. I think the hardest thing was when they told me she would strip naked and go out of her room and they found her in the dining room eating and she was naked. Charles helped me as long as he could and then we got the news, the cancer had returned but this time in his chest. He didn’t want to go through radiation or chemo again—only pain management and we knew that he would really die. I’ve said a lot of this to say this—I became very bitter at the things that were happening. I resented that all of a sudden I had no life. I couldn’t plan to do anything. There were some weeks that each day I was in a doctor’s office, or the emergency room with one of the three. I thought back to my mother at the same age I was when they all got sick, she was having the time of her life, and look at me, I have no life. I was bitter, angry, and resented the entire thing. I don’t know when my attitude changed, but it did. I grew accustomed to my new duties in life and added responsibilities. I felt like it would be that way forever, but it wasn’t. I got used to hospice, the nurses, assisted living, even my dad grumbling and arguing with me about everything. I was the new decision maker for the three people closest to me. I don’t think anyone can even comprehend what that is like. For me, I don’t really remember. I just did what I had to do. I took one day at a time. When our office closed, I came home and stayed. I didn’t work at all. I am glad that I spent the last months of Charles’ life totally here with him. I had never watched anyone die before. He was a wonderful patient. He woke up every morning and the first thing he said was, “Damn, I woke up alive again.” He was so ready to die. He had lived on drinking Ensure and just being able to eat some soup for the past three years. Yes, it was difficult watching each one of them die. In the beginning I hated it, I resented it, I felt sorry for myself. Why me? Why was all of this happening to me? Now that they are all gone, I ask myself, Why not me? I could do it. God gave me the strength and the knowledge to take care of them. I even spent hours and hours over at the VA center trying to get VA benefits for my dad and mother. My dad told me I couldn’t do it and I told him, watch me. I did get them benefits and I’m so thankful for the hours I spent because I was able to take care of them properly. I went through a period of hating my dad. I just wanted him to drop dead and I even thought I could hurry it up. I talked to a minister about it. He asked me a bunch of questions, like, are you still taking care of him, taking him his medicine, taking care of his clothes, etc? I said of course. He told me that the Bible verse says “honor” your father and mother and what I was doing was honor. He said the Bible verse does not say you have to love them or even like them. He gave peace to me that day. I can say that I did not hate my dad anymore by the time he died. After my mother died, he became the dad I had always known. I’ve touched on some of my feelings about tough times. I don’t know if I’m really a “tough” person or not, but I do know that tough times don’t last. I know that material things don’t mean that much to me anymore. I know that I value the friendships I have. And I love my family. Don’t get so busy that you don’t have time for the things that really mean the most to you. Remember, tough times don’t last. DR 1/8/13

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013

Looking back over the past year, I can see so many changes in my life. It seems that after my dad died Christmas 2011, I finally realized that all my responsibilities had ended. I was actually free to be me and be able to do anything I wanted to do. March 2012 marked the two-year period that my husband was gone and not ever coming back. Thank you Charles for teaching me to be independent and how to take care of myself. So many times we would have a “scare”, and we would get out all of the paperwork to make sure everything was in order in case he died. We did this for 14 years. Looking back, I don’t know how we managed to do all of the things that we did. I also look back and wonder how I managed to keep a level head through it all. I thought that love would never be in my life again. God has a way of letting us know that you can love again and it can be as good as the last time, maybe even better. Well, getting back to the year 2012, it seemed I started emerging from my shell. Yes, life is really good and I still have many years left, anyway I hope I do. I decided to change my look, and so far I have succeeded. Even my doctor didn’t recognize me. I also started walking and that has been a wonderful decision. I so enjoy walking with my friends across the Walnut Street Bridge. We’re afraid it may be too cold pretty soon, but Mitch and Angela have an exercise room. I went to Florida the day after Christmas 2012 with my friend Susie. When I get depressed, all I have to do is get with Susie and she makes me laugh. We walked on the beach every morning and even got into the water—well a littl. We left January 1, 2013 and we walked on the beach one more time. Oh how I hated to leave, but I had to come back to the real world. What is the “real world”? Well, for me, it’s going back to work again. I have missed my real estate and now it’s time to help a few more people. When you help someone to get what they want, you receive what you want. I believe Zig Ziglar said something to that effect. What do I want out of the year 2013? I want it to be even more exciting than the year 2012 started to be. Life is full of possibilities. We just need to take that first step and see what is out there. Is there someone for me in this future? I certainly hope so—maybe I’ve already found that person, or maybe I was the one to be found. DR 1/1/2013