Chantilly Lace

As I clean on my house this rainy Saturday morning, I’m listening to the oldies. Chantilly Lace just came on and brought a smile to my face. Guess I’ll never get over the memories I have with Charles. We were exact opposites in a lot of things and one of them was our music. He was classical all the way. Of course, he loved some blues and I have so many cd’s of music that I’m not really fond of. When he would load our cd player at home, he would put on a classical and then an oldie. It was a lot of fun to see him singing my songs, even though he knew how to change the words that they became pornographic at times. He really thought I was the only one who loved those songs until we were in New Jersey somewhere and they were playing all the oldies. He had heard them so much from me he knew the words. He looked at me and said, they’re playing your songs. I just had to laugh. Those were the times I could tell our age difference, but he was so good to accept my likes, and I became a fan of classical. My favorite is Mozart. Charles used to copy my cd’s so if something damaged that cd, I would still have the original. He made his own labels and most of them said things like “made by your loving husband, or I love you,” Glad I still have all of them. Yeah, I’m spoiled. He especially liked the song that started out, Hello Darlin. Finally, the fun memories are coming back. DR 3/29/14

Life Goes On

On this day four years ago my life changed forever. I had never been alone in my life. The first 18 years I lived with my parents. The next 18 years I was married. Even when I divorced I still had Christi. But then when Charles died, I was all alone. I thought I knew what it would be like. I used to sit in the living room while Charles was still alive but so sick, and think, this is what it will be like when he’s gone. I didn’t have a clue. Until you are in that situation, you cannot even come close to imagining what it will be like. I can tell you this though, life goes on. It took me two years of sitting and staring at the walls, but when my dad died, I realized that I am still alive. What do I do now? The first time I went to Sam’s after my mother and Charles died, I just stood there. What do I buy? I always came to get Ensure and diapers. What do I want? What do I need? Do I need to even be here? Charles had told me that one day I would be alone because he was 14 years older than me and he was closer to my mother and dad’s age and he said that all three of them would be gone and I needed to think about what I would do. Of course, I tried to put that out of my mind, but it really happened. Who would have known they would all three get sick at the same time and then my mother would die only two weeks before Charles. I’ve had people say that they think I’m a strong person. I’m not. I did the things that I had to do. I can say that Charles taught me to be independent. I’m so thankful for that. He just didn’t tell me how lonely and sad I would be. This year it has been especially hard for me again. Last year I thought I was handling it so much better, but I have had a relapse. With someone so close to me dying again, it has sent me into a tail spin. I’ll be ok. I know I will bounce back. I know that I will once again think of all the good times. Today I am at home. This is where I want to be today. I want to be here and be alone. I’m being busy trying to get my house ready to be put on the market. I look around and I see everything that we did to build this house. After Charles got so sick the first time I did some of the wiring and the insulation and I painted the upstairs and the downstairs. When I got ready to do the downstairs, I called my mother and she came and stayed a few days and helped me. I see Charles everywhere in this house. It will be so hard to leave here, but I know I need to. Charles begged me before he died to sell. He told me that it was too much for me to take care of. I did ok as long as Leon was alive and helped me. Now he’s gone too. All his family is moving. Yes, life goes on. DR 3/22/14

Picture This.....

If you ever watched “The Golden Girls”, you would hear Sophia start all of her stories like this. So picture this. The year is 1995. Charles and I just sold our house on Lookout Mountain and we moved to a rental house on Suck Creek Mountain. Charles was so excited because he was going to build our house. He said it would probably be his last and it was. It turned out that the winter of 1995-1996 was a bad one. He stood out in the cold and rain waiting for the different contractors, and he got really sick in January 1996. The doctor was treating him for the flu. It turned out to be a virus that had attacked his heart. I’ll not go into detail here, but our house was half finished and we were living in rent and I was told that Charles was dying. Anyway to the good part. Charles lived because of a miracle from God and we moved into the house. We only moved in the upper level. I really didn’t think that Charles would live to see the completion of this house. We moved into it in October 1996. I guess around February 1997 Charles asked me what I wanted to do now. I had not been able to work because of his illness, and he suggested that I get my real estate license. So in April 1997 I became licensed in Tennessee. I was really scared. My first clients wanted to look at $300,000-$400,000 homes. I’m sure today that number would be much more. I was on my way to meet them, and I called Charles to tell him I was about to throw up. I told him I felt like I was more of a $50,000 woman instead of such a high number. Charles responded to me, “Diane, you are going to see some of the most beautiful houses you have ever seen. You have the key. Open the door and just enjoy.” I never thought about it that way. I did and my first house I sold was $375,000.00. I miss hearing Charles’ point of view on things. I guess you could say, he marched to a different drummer—but it worked for me. DR 3/16/14

I've Led Three Lives

This was the title of my “icebreaker” speech at Toastmasters. In summary, my first life was Diane German when I lived at home with my parents. I was there 18 years. Then I married and became Diane Gasaway. I had that “name” for 20 years. I divorced after 18 years. I married again and my name is still Diane Rizzo. I was married 25-1/2 years when Charles died. I was Charles’ secretary and quite frankly, I was not attracted to him. I thought he was a ladies man, but I did know that he knew where all the “singles” places were. We always walked to the parking lot together after work and as a result, he told me about all of his girlfriends. He felt very safe talking to me since I was married and was also a preacher’s wife. He told me he was devastated when I came in and announced that I was getting a divorce. I told everyone I worked with to not ask me any questions because I did not want to talk about it. Charles thought I had a perfect marriage because he said I was the only person he had ever worked with who never said anything bad about their spouse. He said he just thought wow, if Diane couldn’t make it, there is no hope for me. Of course, Charles was never, ever going to get married again. He had been married for 25 years and had been divorced quite a while. Before my divorce was final, I asked him if he would take me to some single’s places and he said he would. Charles became my best friend. I knew that none of his girlfriends ever lasted over six months, so when we started seeing each other, I began the countdown. Six months came and went and so did seven, eight, nine, and we actually went together two and half years before we got married. Everyone we worked with came to our wedding because they said they had to see it to believe it. They just couldn’t believe that Charles would actually show up. I remember Charles asking me before we ever started going together—on one of our walks to the parking lot—if I had ever fallen madly in love. I answered with the question, have you? He said no and that he would really like to experience that. I can say that we did fall madly in love and we stayed that way until the day he died four years ago. I miss you Charles everyday. DR 3/15/14

Fun Days

We all need fun days to get away from all of the stress of everyday life. I had a definite fun day on Sunday. I really debated on whether to get up and make the trip. After all, we had to spring forward the night before and I had to get up on Sunday morning no later than 5 a.m. This is really hard for someone who is definitely not a “morning” person. My alarm went off, and usually my dog, Chloe, starts her usual barking to be let out. This time she just looked at me like the time was all wrong and that I was crazy for getting up and staggering to the kitchen to get my morning coffee. She stayed in bed for another hour. I got to see the morning sunrise and it was beautiful. I was off to parts I’ve never been before, and I was getting excited. First was breakfast at Cracker Barrel and then to Helen, Georgia. I’ve heard so much about this quaint little town, but it was like going back in time. If you’ve never been, please go. It is really worth the trip. On the way back home, we stopped at Amicalola Falls. I love waterfalls. To really see the falls you need to walk up the side of the mountain on a paved trail and also steps. There are five levels. I’m so out of shape I only made it to level 2. I plan to go back and make it to the top. Even at level 2 the view was breathtaking. After regaining my breath and getting back down to the car, it was time to go home. Thank goodness for Google Maps and the little woman’s voice that guided me back to the interstate after I got my car. Yesterday was a wonderful way to get rid of the past week’s stress, and to know that there are so many beautiful things in this world that God has put here for us to love and enjoy. I can truly face whatever crazy things happen in this coming week. DR 3/10/14

Time Flies

Sometimes I think time flies and then again, I think it really drags. When I was a kid growing up, I thought I would never get old enough to leave home. Looking back, I wish I had done a lot of things differently. But, the choices I have made through the years have made me who I am today. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I am thankful that I have a wonderful daughter and eventually I found the love of my life. But, tonight I am thinking about what happened four years ago. It took me a while to think back to the good times I had with my mother. She was sick for a good while—really a lot longer than I thought because we all kept making excuses for some of her behavior. But, to the good stuff—when I was a little girl my mother and I went to town every Saturday. We didn’t have a car until I was in high school, so we always rode the bus. I can remember eating at Miller Brothers in the cafeteria and I would always get meatloaf, creamed potatoes, rolls, and sweet tea. It was so good I can even taste it now, and I’m not even a fan of meatloaf today. I remember my mother telling me the story of one time we were in the ladies dresses and I hid in a rack of dresses. When my mother got right in front of me I threw the dresses back and yelled “Mammy.” Well, you can guess what happened next. You can believe I never called her Mammy again. I can’t even picture me doing something like that. I was a very shy little girl. If you spoke to me I would turn red. I guess a lot of it had to do with my mother constantly telling me that children should be seen and not heard. I really don’t think she knew what my voice even sounded like. My mother taught me how to cook and sew. She always made my dresses and she was really good. I usually got a “store bought” dress for my birthday and since my birthday is in April, it was always my “Easter” outfit. She always bought me shoes to match. When I became a teenage I wore spike heels and I always wore a hat at Easter. It was the thing to do back then. My dad always bought me a corsage for Easter and Mother’s Day. When I was about 10 years old, my mother stopped sewing for me because I started making all of my clothes. When I took home ec I already knew how to sew and I would come home with a bag full of collars or sleeves to sew for the other girls in my class. I think they paid me a quarter to do theirs. Wonder why the teacher couldn’t see they all looked alike? My mother would take things that I made to work to sell. She had to wear a certain kind of apron and so the ladies she worked with always bought my aprons. Guess I’m telling off about my domestic side. I have a lot of people fooled that think I don’t cook or sew, but I used to be very much the home body. When I married Charles I told him that after my divorce I had decided to never sew again. Well he got a hole in one of his pockets in a pair of pants. He put the pants on the ledge of the stairs. The next week he pulled the pocket out. The next week the pocket had a note with an arrow pointing to the hole. The next week he took his pants to my mother and he told her that he really believed that I would never sew again and could she fix it, and she did. I had a good mother and I can’t believe that she’s gone. Today it has been four years since she left this earth. I miss you, Mother. DR 3/6/14