Life Goes On

On this day four years ago my life changed forever. I had never been alone in my life. The first 18 years I lived with my parents. The next 18 years I was married. Even when I divorced I still had Christi. But then when Charles died, I was all alone. I thought I knew what it would be like. I used to sit in the living room while Charles was still alive but so sick, and think, this is what it will be like when he’s gone. I didn’t have a clue. Until you are in that situation, you cannot even come close to imagining what it will be like. I can tell you this though, life goes on. It took me two years of sitting and staring at the walls, but when my dad died, I realized that I am still alive. What do I do now? The first time I went to Sam’s after my mother and Charles died, I just stood there. What do I buy? I always came to get Ensure and diapers. What do I want? What do I need? Do I need to even be here? Charles had told me that one day I would be alone because he was 14 years older than me and he was closer to my mother and dad’s age and he said that all three of them would be gone and I needed to think about what I would do. Of course, I tried to put that out of my mind, but it really happened. Who would have known they would all three get sick at the same time and then my mother would die only two weeks before Charles. I’ve had people say that they think I’m a strong person. I’m not. I did the things that I had to do. I can say that Charles taught me to be independent. I’m so thankful for that. He just didn’t tell me how lonely and sad I would be. This year it has been especially hard for me again. Last year I thought I was handling it so much better, but I have had a relapse. With someone so close to me dying again, it has sent me into a tail spin. I’ll be ok. I know I will bounce back. I know that I will once again think of all the good times. Today I am at home. This is where I want to be today. I want to be here and be alone. I’m being busy trying to get my house ready to be put on the market. I look around and I see everything that we did to build this house. After Charles got so sick the first time I did some of the wiring and the insulation and I painted the upstairs and the downstairs. When I got ready to do the downstairs, I called my mother and she came and stayed a few days and helped me. I see Charles everywhere in this house. It will be so hard to leave here, but I know I need to. Charles begged me before he died to sell. He told me that it was too much for me to take care of. I did ok as long as Leon was alive and helped me. Now he’s gone too. All his family is moving. Yes, life goes on. DR 3/22/14