When March of this year started, it seemed as though I was on some sort of countdown. This time last year was the last night I would ever have my Charles. What would I have done differently? None of us ever know when it is our time to die. I could die tomorrow or I could even die tonight. We just don’t know. But, I keep thinking about what I did last year—how could I have done things differently. Oh, if I could have known and sat by Charles’ bed all night and never left his side. But, we don’t know and we can’t beat ourselves up for something we didn’t do or something we didn’t say.
I never knew that I would feel the way I have felt since Charles died. Yes, Charles left me in good shape financially and tried to have everything fixed for me that needed repairs in the house. It’s just not the same when you are alone. What good is a “fun” car when your “fun” person is not here to hear you talk about it.
I could tell Charles anything and everything. When we first started going together, we could talk for hours and hours. He was so smart. Now, I have a little Yorkie who listens to me and turns her little head this way and that, but she doesn’t have anything to say in return. Thank goodness I have her though, because now I look forward to coming home because she’s so happy to see me.
Please March 2011 go away so I can think about other things instead of how lonely I am and how much I miss the love of my life. I am just thankful that Charles is at peace now and in a much better place. I just need to get my life together because I’m still here and I’m sure that I am supposed to do more with my life before it’s my time to go. I loved you Charles and I still do.
DR
3/21/11
Monday, March 21, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Lent - 2011
Today is the beginning of Lent, Wednesday, March 9, 2011. I can’t remember the year, but this particular Lent, Charles decided that he would go to mass everyday for 40 days. He got up every morning and attended mass. He told me that it was okay if I didn’t go because this was what he wanted to do, not me. I remember feeling so guilty when he would leave. I also was so impressed that Charles never tried to make me feel guilty that I didn’t go. He never said a word to me. I have never forgotten the impression he made on me. That’s the way we should be to others—not someone who condemns and tells someone else what their failures are, but just set an example.
Everyday of our lives someone is looking at us—watching our every action, every word that comes out of our mouths. I know that I fall short so many times.
I know everyone does not observe Lent the way Catholics do, but maybe this Easter season we can remember to be better examples to others. I don’t think that I could have gotten up every morning for 40 mornings and gone to mass. I did good to get to church once a week—but I was not condemned for not doing so.
Charles you taught me a lot in our years together and this is one thing I will never forget.
DR
3/9/11
Everyday of our lives someone is looking at us—watching our every action, every word that comes out of our mouths. I know that I fall short so many times.
I know everyone does not observe Lent the way Catholics do, but maybe this Easter season we can remember to be better examples to others. I don’t think that I could have gotten up every morning for 40 mornings and gone to mass. I did good to get to church once a week—but I was not condemned for not doing so.
Charles you taught me a lot in our years together and this is one thing I will never forget.
DR
3/9/11
Friday, March 4, 2011
My Mother
I find it so hard to believe that my mother has been gone almost a year. It will be Sunday, March 6. When I think back to a year ago, I don’t know how I survived. My mother had fallen at assisted living and even though she had not broken her hip, she could not raise up or walk, much less feed herself. I was in a turmoil of what to do. My husband, Charles, was in a wheelchair and I knew that the end was getting near for him and I couldn’t bear the thoughts of my mother downstairs on hospice and my husband upstairs on hospice. I decided to bring my mother to my house. The ambulance got her here about 5:30 p.m. and she had a wonderful time with two of her sisters, Genell and Reida, and Leon, Debbie, and Kristin. Leon brought Charles downstairs and my mother knew who he was and she had not seen him in about 6 months. In fact, my mother was more lucid than she had been in the past 2 or 3 years. Genell cooked her fried chicken, gravy, homemade biscuits, mashed potatoes and my mother just ate and ate. They all laughed and joked. I didn’t get to spend very much time with her because I had to go back to the assisted living and get her medicine, some clothes, and tell my dad she was at my house.
I came back home and everyone was leaving. Debbie was making my mother comfortable and washing her off. My mother asked if she could have one more biscuit and gravy. I fixed what I had left and she said, boy that Genell sure is stingy with her gravy. We called Genell to see if she had more gravy at her house and she sent more. I told my mother that Debbie was going to spoil her and she said that Debbie had already done that.
Debbie spent the night and checked on her throughout the night. My mother was dreaming of more biscuits and gravy and two country fried eggs for breakfast.
The next morning I ran down the steps to see if she was ok and Debbie and I looked in on her and she was snoring like a freight train. I sat downstairs and Debbie and I talked for a little while and then I said I had better go back upstairs and get dressed and see about Charles. Debbie said she would go ahead and wake my mother. As soon as she walked in my mother’s room, she said it was totally quiet. My mother was gone. She was at my house less than 24 hours and never woke up again.
I could not believe it. My consolation to this day is my mother kept saying, “I am so happy Diane brought me home.”
Now my dad is on hospice and I’m so afraid he’s going to make this March another one I won’t be able to forget.
Life is short. It’s much shorter than I have every imagined. Live everyday to the fullest and be good to your mom and dad, they may not be here tomorrow.
DR
3/4/11
I came back home and everyone was leaving. Debbie was making my mother comfortable and washing her off. My mother asked if she could have one more biscuit and gravy. I fixed what I had left and she said, boy that Genell sure is stingy with her gravy. We called Genell to see if she had more gravy at her house and she sent more. I told my mother that Debbie was going to spoil her and she said that Debbie had already done that.
Debbie spent the night and checked on her throughout the night. My mother was dreaming of more biscuits and gravy and two country fried eggs for breakfast.
The next morning I ran down the steps to see if she was ok and Debbie and I looked in on her and she was snoring like a freight train. I sat downstairs and Debbie and I talked for a little while and then I said I had better go back upstairs and get dressed and see about Charles. Debbie said she would go ahead and wake my mother. As soon as she walked in my mother’s room, she said it was totally quiet. My mother was gone. She was at my house less than 24 hours and never woke up again.
I could not believe it. My consolation to this day is my mother kept saying, “I am so happy Diane brought me home.”
Now my dad is on hospice and I’m so afraid he’s going to make this March another one I won’t be able to forget.
Life is short. It’s much shorter than I have every imagined. Live everyday to the fullest and be good to your mom and dad, they may not be here tomorrow.
DR
3/4/11
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day - February 14, 2011
This Valentine’s Day was really beautiful and warm! I am actually beginning to feel good about myself and who I am. Yeah, here I am on Medicare and I’m still trying to find out who I am and why I’m here. I have to admit I’m beginning to enjoy life and getting out and having a good time. Charles knew what he was doing when he bought me my fun car. I believe I’m going to really enjoy it this year. I’m going to keep that top down and play my XM radio as loud it will go. As my grandson, Christopher, told me I’m going to be one “hot Mimi.” Everytime I think about that I just have to smile.
I’m so glad that I’m getting to be with my friends and family. I really love my life. I’m just still missing my one and only Valentine.
DR
2/14/11
I’m so glad that I’m getting to be with my friends and family. I really love my life. I’m just still missing my one and only Valentine.
DR
2/14/11
Monday, January 24, 2011
It's Tax Time Again
Today my CPA called me and I told him that I was getting ready to call him to set up an appointment for my 2010 taxes. He told me he was doing my 2009 taxes and they will be ready next week. Now, let me explain what has happened. Last year I had an appointment and I completely forgot it because my mother’s funeral was on that day. Then two weeks later Charles died. I had so many things to do, I remembered in September of 2010. I took him all my stuff. He told me not to worry because I didn’t owe anything.
Today he told me he had a hard time looking over our taxes because he just can’t believe that Charles is gone. He always looked forward to seeing Charles come in because he would be so funny. I shared with David how happy Charles was to die and he wanted me to be happy and have fun after he was gone. I told him that Charles had tried to have things repaired and he also kept ordering me things that I would say that I would like to have. The UPS and FedEx drivers kept our driveway hot until Charles wasn’t able to get into the computer and order anything else. David told me that he sees a lot of couples and he could truly say that Charles really loved me and I was Charles’ crown jewel. You know, Charles always told me how much he loved me and that I had no concept of how much that was. I can say now, looking back, that he did love me more than I had ever realized.
I’ve had a rough few days because every month on the 22nd, I think of him. Now it has been 10 months. How the time has flown and yet it has crept along. Yes, I have made it and yes, I know I’m all right. No, I don’t like this new life, but I have adjusted. I’m not a quitter and I know that life is just different. Charles taught me a long time ago that we face a lot of life’s challenges and it’s how we deal with them or if we can correct them. This life without my soulmate is just something I’m learning to deal with. I actually like living alone. Well, I’m not completely alone. I have this little Yorkie who drives me insane sometimes. I’m so glad that Charles insisted on getting her. When I’m sad she acts like she understands. Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but animals do have instincts. She has even licked my tears and that makes me laugh.
I read on Facebook today about someone who would like to go back in their lifetime and be at a time period when they thought they were happiest. Yes, I would love to go back too, but we learn with each new experience. We are who we are with each decision that we make—whether it ‘s a good choice or a bad choice. We can’t go back—we can only go forward.
Well, it’s tax time again.
Dr
1/24/11
Today he told me he had a hard time looking over our taxes because he just can’t believe that Charles is gone. He always looked forward to seeing Charles come in because he would be so funny. I shared with David how happy Charles was to die and he wanted me to be happy and have fun after he was gone. I told him that Charles had tried to have things repaired and he also kept ordering me things that I would say that I would like to have. The UPS and FedEx drivers kept our driveway hot until Charles wasn’t able to get into the computer and order anything else. David told me that he sees a lot of couples and he could truly say that Charles really loved me and I was Charles’ crown jewel. You know, Charles always told me how much he loved me and that I had no concept of how much that was. I can say now, looking back, that he did love me more than I had ever realized.
I’ve had a rough few days because every month on the 22nd, I think of him. Now it has been 10 months. How the time has flown and yet it has crept along. Yes, I have made it and yes, I know I’m all right. No, I don’t like this new life, but I have adjusted. I’m not a quitter and I know that life is just different. Charles taught me a long time ago that we face a lot of life’s challenges and it’s how we deal with them or if we can correct them. This life without my soulmate is just something I’m learning to deal with. I actually like living alone. Well, I’m not completely alone. I have this little Yorkie who drives me insane sometimes. I’m so glad that Charles insisted on getting her. When I’m sad she acts like she understands. Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but animals do have instincts. She has even licked my tears and that makes me laugh.
I read on Facebook today about someone who would like to go back in their lifetime and be at a time period when they thought they were happiest. Yes, I would love to go back too, but we learn with each new experience. We are who we are with each decision that we make—whether it ‘s a good choice or a bad choice. We can’t go back—we can only go forward.
Well, it’s tax time again.
Dr
1/24/11
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Clocks
Today the Klockit catalog came in the mail. As I thumbed through it, I remembered how we would choose a new clock to be made. It was so exciting to know that I would get another clock. Most people hang pictures on the wall and I’ve always joked about how many clocks I have hanging. It seems there are so many things that still remind me of you, and yet I can’t seem to remember even the sound of your voice. I will play some of our videos so I can hear your voice again.
Several of these catalogs have come since you died, and each time I wish you were still here. I’m glad this one doesn’t have one that makes me want it. The only clock I wish you could have made me was a cuckoo clock and we just never spent enough time trying to figure out which one we liked.
Well, I have many clocks to remember you by and nobody will ever be able to take your place. I miss you.
DR
1/16/11
Several of these catalogs have come since you died, and each time I wish you were still here. I’m glad this one doesn’t have one that makes me want it. The only clock I wish you could have made me was a cuckoo clock and we just never spent enough time trying to figure out which one we liked.
Well, I have many clocks to remember you by and nobody will ever be able to take your place. I miss you.
DR
1/16/11
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Another Year Gone - 2010
It is now 25 minutes until 2011 begins. I so hope that the new year will be better than 2010. As I look back, there was so much sadness. I wouldn’t take anything for the time I was able to spend with Charles before he died. This time last year, Charles and I were waiting for 2010 to begin. When midnight came, Charles said, well, I made it to 2010. This year, I am awaiting the new year with my my daughter and family, and my cousins, Ginger and Kristin. How different my life has become.
I’m glad that the holidays are going to be finally over and my depression may get better. I have many things to be thankful for:
• My dad is still alive and doing ok
• My daughter got a job this past year and is doing well
• My grandson, Christopher, has already completed one semester of college
• My other grandson, Jonathan, has made it to high school
• I have cousins and an aunt who live next to me who watch out for me and help me
• Of couse I have been able to help some others this past year
• Charles left me in a comfortable position—my house is paid, my car is paid, my truck is paid—and I get a nice monthly income from Charles
• I have a wonderful little Yorkie, Chloe, who has kept me from being lonely
• I have already been snowed in and my power stayed on
• I have had a couple of closings and even wrote an offer today
• My mother did not suffer and was happy when she died
• Charles did not suffer and was ready to die
• I am learning to be happy again
My list could go on and on, but I needed to write down a few things to remind me how God has blessed me through all of the sorrow and sadness. I’ve learned that it’s ok to grieve.
What does the year 2011 hold for us? I don’t know, but I’ll just take one day at a time and live it to the fullest.
DR
12/31/10
I’m glad that the holidays are going to be finally over and my depression may get better. I have many things to be thankful for:
• My dad is still alive and doing ok
• My daughter got a job this past year and is doing well
• My grandson, Christopher, has already completed one semester of college
• My other grandson, Jonathan, has made it to high school
• I have cousins and an aunt who live next to me who watch out for me and help me
• Of couse I have been able to help some others this past year
• Charles left me in a comfortable position—my house is paid, my car is paid, my truck is paid—and I get a nice monthly income from Charles
• I have a wonderful little Yorkie, Chloe, who has kept me from being lonely
• I have already been snowed in and my power stayed on
• I have had a couple of closings and even wrote an offer today
• My mother did not suffer and was happy when she died
• Charles did not suffer and was ready to die
• I am learning to be happy again
My list could go on and on, but I needed to write down a few things to remind me how God has blessed me through all of the sorrow and sadness. I’ve learned that it’s ok to grieve.
What does the year 2011 hold for us? I don’t know, but I’ll just take one day at a time and live it to the fullest.
DR
12/31/10
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