Today my CPA called me and I told him that I was getting ready to call him to set up an appointment for my 2010 taxes. He told me he was doing my 2009 taxes and they will be ready next week. Now, let me explain what has happened. Last year I had an appointment and I completely forgot it because my mother’s funeral was on that day. Then two weeks later Charles died. I had so many things to do, I remembered in September of 2010. I took him all my stuff. He told me not to worry because I didn’t owe anything.
Today he told me he had a hard time looking over our taxes because he just can’t believe that Charles is gone. He always looked forward to seeing Charles come in because he would be so funny. I shared with David how happy Charles was to die and he wanted me to be happy and have fun after he was gone. I told him that Charles had tried to have things repaired and he also kept ordering me things that I would say that I would like to have. The UPS and FedEx drivers kept our driveway hot until Charles wasn’t able to get into the computer and order anything else. David told me that he sees a lot of couples and he could truly say that Charles really loved me and I was Charles’ crown jewel. You know, Charles always told me how much he loved me and that I had no concept of how much that was. I can say now, looking back, that he did love me more than I had ever realized.
I’ve had a rough few days because every month on the 22nd, I think of him. Now it has been 10 months. How the time has flown and yet it has crept along. Yes, I have made it and yes, I know I’m all right. No, I don’t like this new life, but I have adjusted. I’m not a quitter and I know that life is just different. Charles taught me a long time ago that we face a lot of life’s challenges and it’s how we deal with them or if we can correct them. This life without my soulmate is just something I’m learning to deal with. I actually like living alone. Well, I’m not completely alone. I have this little Yorkie who drives me insane sometimes. I’m so glad that Charles insisted on getting her. When I’m sad she acts like she understands. Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but animals do have instincts. She has even licked my tears and that makes me laugh.
I read on Facebook today about someone who would like to go back in their lifetime and be at a time period when they thought they were happiest. Yes, I would love to go back too, but we learn with each new experience. We are who we are with each decision that we make—whether it ‘s a good choice or a bad choice. We can’t go back—we can only go forward.
Well, it’s tax time again.
Dr
1/24/11
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Clocks
Today the Klockit catalog came in the mail. As I thumbed through it, I remembered how we would choose a new clock to be made. It was so exciting to know that I would get another clock. Most people hang pictures on the wall and I’ve always joked about how many clocks I have hanging. It seems there are so many things that still remind me of you, and yet I can’t seem to remember even the sound of your voice. I will play some of our videos so I can hear your voice again.
Several of these catalogs have come since you died, and each time I wish you were still here. I’m glad this one doesn’t have one that makes me want it. The only clock I wish you could have made me was a cuckoo clock and we just never spent enough time trying to figure out which one we liked.
Well, I have many clocks to remember you by and nobody will ever be able to take your place. I miss you.
DR
1/16/11
Several of these catalogs have come since you died, and each time I wish you were still here. I’m glad this one doesn’t have one that makes me want it. The only clock I wish you could have made me was a cuckoo clock and we just never spent enough time trying to figure out which one we liked.
Well, I have many clocks to remember you by and nobody will ever be able to take your place. I miss you.
DR
1/16/11
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Another Year Gone - 2010
It is now 25 minutes until 2011 begins. I so hope that the new year will be better than 2010. As I look back, there was so much sadness. I wouldn’t take anything for the time I was able to spend with Charles before he died. This time last year, Charles and I were waiting for 2010 to begin. When midnight came, Charles said, well, I made it to 2010. This year, I am awaiting the new year with my my daughter and family, and my cousins, Ginger and Kristin. How different my life has become.
I’m glad that the holidays are going to be finally over and my depression may get better. I have many things to be thankful for:
• My dad is still alive and doing ok
• My daughter got a job this past year and is doing well
• My grandson, Christopher, has already completed one semester of college
• My other grandson, Jonathan, has made it to high school
• I have cousins and an aunt who live next to me who watch out for me and help me
• Of couse I have been able to help some others this past year
• Charles left me in a comfortable position—my house is paid, my car is paid, my truck is paid—and I get a nice monthly income from Charles
• I have a wonderful little Yorkie, Chloe, who has kept me from being lonely
• I have already been snowed in and my power stayed on
• I have had a couple of closings and even wrote an offer today
• My mother did not suffer and was happy when she died
• Charles did not suffer and was ready to die
• I am learning to be happy again
My list could go on and on, but I needed to write down a few things to remind me how God has blessed me through all of the sorrow and sadness. I’ve learned that it’s ok to grieve.
What does the year 2011 hold for us? I don’t know, but I’ll just take one day at a time and live it to the fullest.
DR
12/31/10
I’m glad that the holidays are going to be finally over and my depression may get better. I have many things to be thankful for:
• My dad is still alive and doing ok
• My daughter got a job this past year and is doing well
• My grandson, Christopher, has already completed one semester of college
• My other grandson, Jonathan, has made it to high school
• I have cousins and an aunt who live next to me who watch out for me and help me
• Of couse I have been able to help some others this past year
• Charles left me in a comfortable position—my house is paid, my car is paid, my truck is paid—and I get a nice monthly income from Charles
• I have a wonderful little Yorkie, Chloe, who has kept me from being lonely
• I have already been snowed in and my power stayed on
• I have had a couple of closings and even wrote an offer today
• My mother did not suffer and was happy when she died
• Charles did not suffer and was ready to die
• I am learning to be happy again
My list could go on and on, but I needed to write down a few things to remind me how God has blessed me through all of the sorrow and sadness. I’ve learned that it’s ok to grieve.
What does the year 2011 hold for us? I don’t know, but I’ll just take one day at a time and live it to the fullest.
DR
12/31/10
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving 2010
Today was a wonderful day. I promised to make a cherry pie and I did. I was getting ready to leave to go to Christi’s and my power went off. Thankfully, I didn’t need anything plugged in, but it was disgusting. Leon called and said he would come over and help me get out of the garage. I was already thinking what I was supposed to do to get the garage door up. Leon and Kristin came over and he even fixed the door back so I wouldn’t have any trouble coming home. They are so good to me!
Christi had invited two men from her church—Spencer, who is the maintenance guy and Erwin who is from Guatemala. Neither one has family in Chattanooga and I thought that was so nice of her to do that. Spencer brought cookies and drinks and Erwin brought this wonderful strawberry cake from Acropolis! Christi cooked turkey and dressing, fresh green beans, corn casserole, broccoli casserole, some kind of rice dish, sweet potato casserole and rolls. Scott made his wonderful iced tea and I hounded him to make a pot of coffee. Christopher ended up making the coffee and it was good!
We had nine people around the table—Scott, Christi, Christopher, Jonathan, Ed, Kila, Spencer, and Erwin. We went around the table and each one of us told what we are thankful this year. It was very moving to hear what each person said. I wish I could remember each one in detail. It was so wonderful to be with such a warm and caring group of people. I think we all ate too much, but today the calories didn’t count.
I had so much fun and we all laughed so much, that when I got into my car, I couldn’t understand why the crying started all over again. Well, everyone tells me that holidays are really hard, but it seems the hardest when I’m by myself. I am thankful that I am in good health and I am beginning to get my “weird” sense of humor back. I enjoyed being with my daughter yesterday and shopping at Costco and also helping her a little at the church with her decorating the sanctuary. I feel so fortunate to have such a talented daughter, a son-in-law who loves his family, and two grandsons who have never given them any problems.
Charles told me he wanted me to be happy and basically I am—but I would be so much happier if I still had him here with me. Well, I do still have Chloe who is so glad to see me when I come home, but I do wish she would stop chewing holes in my down comforter. It’s a little scary to wake up with feathers everywhere!
DR
11/25/10
Christi had invited two men from her church—Spencer, who is the maintenance guy and Erwin who is from Guatemala. Neither one has family in Chattanooga and I thought that was so nice of her to do that. Spencer brought cookies and drinks and Erwin brought this wonderful strawberry cake from Acropolis! Christi cooked turkey and dressing, fresh green beans, corn casserole, broccoli casserole, some kind of rice dish, sweet potato casserole and rolls. Scott made his wonderful iced tea and I hounded him to make a pot of coffee. Christopher ended up making the coffee and it was good!
We had nine people around the table—Scott, Christi, Christopher, Jonathan, Ed, Kila, Spencer, and Erwin. We went around the table and each one of us told what we are thankful this year. It was very moving to hear what each person said. I wish I could remember each one in detail. It was so wonderful to be with such a warm and caring group of people. I think we all ate too much, but today the calories didn’t count.
I had so much fun and we all laughed so much, that when I got into my car, I couldn’t understand why the crying started all over again. Well, everyone tells me that holidays are really hard, but it seems the hardest when I’m by myself. I am thankful that I am in good health and I am beginning to get my “weird” sense of humor back. I enjoyed being with my daughter yesterday and shopping at Costco and also helping her a little at the church with her decorating the sanctuary. I feel so fortunate to have such a talented daughter, a son-in-law who loves his family, and two grandsons who have never given them any problems.
Charles told me he wanted me to be happy and basically I am—but I would be so much happier if I still had him here with me. Well, I do still have Chloe who is so glad to see me when I come home, but I do wish she would stop chewing holes in my down comforter. It’s a little scary to wake up with feathers everywhere!
DR
11/25/10
Monday, September 27, 2010
Only Time
I bought the cd a few years ago because I loved the song “Only Time” by Enja. Now the song really has a lot of meaning to it. I’ve given advice to some of my friends who have lost their husbands and told them not to make any major decisions for a year. Now, I really know that it does take “time” to mend your broken heart.
The chaplain from hospice called me today and wanted to know how I’m doing. He told me I had exchanged one type of stress for another type. Of course, I don’t want to go into detail about all of the little things I am coping with right now, but he is right. He told me that I’m lucky to have family and friends. I told him that even though I do, I still feel empty—all alone—like part of me is missing. He told me to take time just for me.
I paid my Toastmaster dues today and I so want to get started back because I loved it so much—but when it comes time to go, I just can’t make myself. I’m not ready to make any speeches right now. I want to be my funny self again and not break down and cry so much. I emailed the person who turns our dues in and she wrote me back that she understands. She told me that when her husband died, she missed several important functions. Once, she even got into her car and backed out and just pulled back into the carport again. She said it’s feeling somewhat like a wounded animal.
Ed, the chaplain, told me he would be checking on me again in a couple of months to see how I’m doing. He told me I would be going through many changes. I told him that right now I don’t know what my purpose in life is. What do I do now? I guess I was so busy taking care of everybody that when everyone is gone, I am left here all alone.
I really miss Charles calling me “my dearest, my darling, my lover, my all.” I miss his hugs, his off the wall comments. I miss him comforting me when I felt depressed. He always knew what to say and how to build up my confidence. I miss Charles calling me on the cell phone to just tell me he loved me. I miss holding hands with him at night and just talking. Oh, if I could have just one more day! Now when something goes wrong or breaks, I think, ok, what would Charles do? He sure wouldn’t panic the way I do. He always told me we would have challenges, not problems. We would look at the challenge and see if we could fix it and we couldn’t fix it, how we would respond to it. I don’t like facing these challenges alone.
I know someday I will see so many people I have loved here on earth, but the one person I want to see again is my Charles!
DR
9/27/10
The chaplain from hospice called me today and wanted to know how I’m doing. He told me I had exchanged one type of stress for another type. Of course, I don’t want to go into detail about all of the little things I am coping with right now, but he is right. He told me that I’m lucky to have family and friends. I told him that even though I do, I still feel empty—all alone—like part of me is missing. He told me to take time just for me.
I paid my Toastmaster dues today and I so want to get started back because I loved it so much—but when it comes time to go, I just can’t make myself. I’m not ready to make any speeches right now. I want to be my funny self again and not break down and cry so much. I emailed the person who turns our dues in and she wrote me back that she understands. She told me that when her husband died, she missed several important functions. Once, she even got into her car and backed out and just pulled back into the carport again. She said it’s feeling somewhat like a wounded animal.
Ed, the chaplain, told me he would be checking on me again in a couple of months to see how I’m doing. He told me I would be going through many changes. I told him that right now I don’t know what my purpose in life is. What do I do now? I guess I was so busy taking care of everybody that when everyone is gone, I am left here all alone.
I really miss Charles calling me “my dearest, my darling, my lover, my all.” I miss his hugs, his off the wall comments. I miss him comforting me when I felt depressed. He always knew what to say and how to build up my confidence. I miss Charles calling me on the cell phone to just tell me he loved me. I miss holding hands with him at night and just talking. Oh, if I could have just one more day! Now when something goes wrong or breaks, I think, ok, what would Charles do? He sure wouldn’t panic the way I do. He always told me we would have challenges, not problems. We would look at the challenge and see if we could fix it and we couldn’t fix it, how we would respond to it. I don’t like facing these challenges alone.
I know someday I will see so many people I have loved here on earth, but the one person I want to see again is my Charles!
DR
9/27/10
Monday, September 20, 2010
Leon
Leon is my first cousin, but he has become one of my very best friends. If Leon sees anyone in need, he is there. Leon is a “workaholic.” He cannot stand to see anyone who is “lazy”.
When Charles started to get so bad, Leon would finish his “chores”, take a shower, get a thermos of coffee, and come over to chat with Charles for a few hours. Charles looked forward to his visits. If Leon got sick, Charles would worry himself to death about it. One night he told Leon that he really loved him; he said I mean I really love you. Oh, if you could have heard Charles say it, you wouldn’t forget it and Leon never has. I have loved Leon for coming to see my husband like he did, he didn’t have to do that, but he did. Then one night, I told Leon that I had found some type of sore on Charles’ back side and Leon called his wife Debbie. In a few minutes Debbie was over here with rubber gloves on and some kind of cream. Charles was very modest and didn’t want her to see his rear end, but Debbie won. From that point on, Debbie was the doctor who healed his bedsore. He loved Debbie just as much as he did Leon. The funny thing about Debbie is that I always thought she was “unfriendly” and she thought I was a “snob.” It’s funny how we think of somebody that we don’t really know. I love Debbie like I think I would love a sister. We no longer think those things about each other.
But getting back to Leon. He loves his mother and faithfully cuts her wood and keeps her wood stacked on her porch. She still wants to heat with wood at 83 years old. Leon makes sure she doesn’t run out. He helps her with her grass and any other thing that comes up.
And now, he has me, I am still afraid of the riding lawnmower. He has cut my grass, helped me with my toilets, and numerous other things.
In addition, for the past 2 or 3 years he has cut my dad’s hair.
The other week he nearly killed himself helping his friend, Benny (who is in his 80’s) bale hay. He had to work on the machinery plus help him bale the hay. Leon would come in at night barely able to walk. Yet, he was up again bright and early the next morning to help Benny all day again.
Did I mention he made a huge garden and with the vegetables they didn’t can or freeze, he was taking to friends and even cutting corn off the cob and freezing for family members?
I can’t say enough about Leon. Up until Charles got sick, I really didn’t know Leon either. I worked all the time and he was at work and then he retired and of course, worked more in the yard.
If you need a best friend, I recommend Leon!
DR, 9/18/10
When Charles started to get so bad, Leon would finish his “chores”, take a shower, get a thermos of coffee, and come over to chat with Charles for a few hours. Charles looked forward to his visits. If Leon got sick, Charles would worry himself to death about it. One night he told Leon that he really loved him; he said I mean I really love you. Oh, if you could have heard Charles say it, you wouldn’t forget it and Leon never has. I have loved Leon for coming to see my husband like he did, he didn’t have to do that, but he did. Then one night, I told Leon that I had found some type of sore on Charles’ back side and Leon called his wife Debbie. In a few minutes Debbie was over here with rubber gloves on and some kind of cream. Charles was very modest and didn’t want her to see his rear end, but Debbie won. From that point on, Debbie was the doctor who healed his bedsore. He loved Debbie just as much as he did Leon. The funny thing about Debbie is that I always thought she was “unfriendly” and she thought I was a “snob.” It’s funny how we think of somebody that we don’t really know. I love Debbie like I think I would love a sister. We no longer think those things about each other.
But getting back to Leon. He loves his mother and faithfully cuts her wood and keeps her wood stacked on her porch. She still wants to heat with wood at 83 years old. Leon makes sure she doesn’t run out. He helps her with her grass and any other thing that comes up.
And now, he has me, I am still afraid of the riding lawnmower. He has cut my grass, helped me with my toilets, and numerous other things.
In addition, for the past 2 or 3 years he has cut my dad’s hair.
The other week he nearly killed himself helping his friend, Benny (who is in his 80’s) bale hay. He had to work on the machinery plus help him bale the hay. Leon would come in at night barely able to walk. Yet, he was up again bright and early the next morning to help Benny all day again.
Did I mention he made a huge garden and with the vegetables they didn’t can or freeze, he was taking to friends and even cutting corn off the cob and freezing for family members?
I can’t say enough about Leon. Up until Charles got sick, I really didn’t know Leon either. I worked all the time and he was at work and then he retired and of course, worked more in the yard.
If you need a best friend, I recommend Leon!
DR, 9/18/10
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
What Lies Ahead
I’ve had quite a few days of thinking about lies ahead for me. This is the first time in my life I have ever been totally alone. I lived my parents until I married the first time and when I divorced after 18 years, I still had my daughter with me. Of course she is married and has children of her own, and now that Charles has died, I am alone.
It has been six months and still seems like yesterday he was here and and then again sometimes I think the past 30 years have been a dream and he was never here. Of course I can look around and see him everywhere in the clocks and bowls and the things he has made over the years, even the house I’m living in.
I attended a meeting with my daughter, Christi, on Sunday afternoon and the speaker, Jennifer, talked about “Dreams.” At first I thought she was going to discuss the meaning of dreams and of course I have some of the craziest dreams on record—well besides my friend, Irma, whom I think we compete with each other on having the craziest. Well, she began to talk about when she was a little girl and the dreams she had and that she could do anything. Dreams of singing with her brothers and maybe they could form a band, or her fairytale wedding, and then—she grew up and life began.
I began to think of what my dreams used to be. But, I can truthfully say Charles taught me to dream again and he always told me how smart I was. I always said back, but I’m fat and ugly. He always responded, “you’re not ugly.” Lol My new dream is that I will become thin again and I am working on it. You may say, why didn’t you work on that before? Food was my only comfort. And even at that, I couldn’t do my comforting in front of Charles because he lived on Ensure for over 3 years and I even felt guilty that I could eat anything that I wanted.
I don’t know what lies ahead of me, am I always going to live alone, what do I do with myself, can I ever be truly happy again? Well, I working on the happiness part. Charles was happy before he died and he told me the key to everything is forgiveness. Oh, I don’t know about that one. I’m working on that too. I’m also working on being around people who are positive and have goals in mind. I want to go places further than 30 miles from my house. I’m making my “bucket” list. If you don’t have one, you need to make one. It’s kind of like a “dream” list, anyway in my opinion it is.
Well, I’m finally beginning to enjoy being alone. At least when I have a bad day, I can cry and no one knows except my new puppy who licks my tears and then I have to laugh. When I come home, she is so happy to see me. It’s not quite like Charles greeting me, but it’s better than coming to an empty house. I try to take her with me as much as I can because she really enjoys going with me.
Well, enough for today. Just start those “dreams” again!
DR
9/15/10
It has been six months and still seems like yesterday he was here and and then again sometimes I think the past 30 years have been a dream and he was never here. Of course I can look around and see him everywhere in the clocks and bowls and the things he has made over the years, even the house I’m living in.
I attended a meeting with my daughter, Christi, on Sunday afternoon and the speaker, Jennifer, talked about “Dreams.” At first I thought she was going to discuss the meaning of dreams and of course I have some of the craziest dreams on record—well besides my friend, Irma, whom I think we compete with each other on having the craziest. Well, she began to talk about when she was a little girl and the dreams she had and that she could do anything. Dreams of singing with her brothers and maybe they could form a band, or her fairytale wedding, and then—she grew up and life began.
I began to think of what my dreams used to be. But, I can truthfully say Charles taught me to dream again and he always told me how smart I was. I always said back, but I’m fat and ugly. He always responded, “you’re not ugly.” Lol My new dream is that I will become thin again and I am working on it. You may say, why didn’t you work on that before? Food was my only comfort. And even at that, I couldn’t do my comforting in front of Charles because he lived on Ensure for over 3 years and I even felt guilty that I could eat anything that I wanted.
I don’t know what lies ahead of me, am I always going to live alone, what do I do with myself, can I ever be truly happy again? Well, I working on the happiness part. Charles was happy before he died and he told me the key to everything is forgiveness. Oh, I don’t know about that one. I’m working on that too. I’m also working on being around people who are positive and have goals in mind. I want to go places further than 30 miles from my house. I’m making my “bucket” list. If you don’t have one, you need to make one. It’s kind of like a “dream” list, anyway in my opinion it is.
Well, I’m finally beginning to enjoy being alone. At least when I have a bad day, I can cry and no one knows except my new puppy who licks my tears and then I have to laugh. When I come home, she is so happy to see me. It’s not quite like Charles greeting me, but it’s better than coming to an empty house. I try to take her with me as much as I can because she really enjoys going with me.
Well, enough for today. Just start those “dreams” again!
DR
9/15/10
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