Today was a wonderful day. I promised to make a cherry pie and I did. I was getting ready to leave to go to Christi’s and my power went off. Thankfully, I didn’t need anything plugged in, but it was disgusting. Leon called and said he would come over and help me get out of the garage. I was already thinking what I was supposed to do to get the garage door up. Leon and Kristin came over and he even fixed the door back so I wouldn’t have any trouble coming home. They are so good to me!
Christi had invited two men from her church—Spencer, who is the maintenance guy and Erwin who is from Guatemala. Neither one has family in Chattanooga and I thought that was so nice of her to do that. Spencer brought cookies and drinks and Erwin brought this wonderful strawberry cake from Acropolis! Christi cooked turkey and dressing, fresh green beans, corn casserole, broccoli casserole, some kind of rice dish, sweet potato casserole and rolls. Scott made his wonderful iced tea and I hounded him to make a pot of coffee. Christopher ended up making the coffee and it was good!
We had nine people around the table—Scott, Christi, Christopher, Jonathan, Ed, Kila, Spencer, and Erwin. We went around the table and each one of us told what we are thankful this year. It was very moving to hear what each person said. I wish I could remember each one in detail. It was so wonderful to be with such a warm and caring group of people. I think we all ate too much, but today the calories didn’t count.
I had so much fun and we all laughed so much, that when I got into my car, I couldn’t understand why the crying started all over again. Well, everyone tells me that holidays are really hard, but it seems the hardest when I’m by myself. I am thankful that I am in good health and I am beginning to get my “weird” sense of humor back. I enjoyed being with my daughter yesterday and shopping at Costco and also helping her a little at the church with her decorating the sanctuary. I feel so fortunate to have such a talented daughter, a son-in-law who loves his family, and two grandsons who have never given them any problems.
Charles told me he wanted me to be happy and basically I am—but I would be so much happier if I still had him here with me. Well, I do still have Chloe who is so glad to see me when I come home, but I do wish she would stop chewing holes in my down comforter. It’s a little scary to wake up with feathers everywhere!
DR
11/25/10
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Only Time
I bought the cd a few years ago because I loved the song “Only Time” by Enja. Now the song really has a lot of meaning to it. I’ve given advice to some of my friends who have lost their husbands and told them not to make any major decisions for a year. Now, I really know that it does take “time” to mend your broken heart.
The chaplain from hospice called me today and wanted to know how I’m doing. He told me I had exchanged one type of stress for another type. Of course, I don’t want to go into detail about all of the little things I am coping with right now, but he is right. He told me that I’m lucky to have family and friends. I told him that even though I do, I still feel empty—all alone—like part of me is missing. He told me to take time just for me.
I paid my Toastmaster dues today and I so want to get started back because I loved it so much—but when it comes time to go, I just can’t make myself. I’m not ready to make any speeches right now. I want to be my funny self again and not break down and cry so much. I emailed the person who turns our dues in and she wrote me back that she understands. She told me that when her husband died, she missed several important functions. Once, she even got into her car and backed out and just pulled back into the carport again. She said it’s feeling somewhat like a wounded animal.
Ed, the chaplain, told me he would be checking on me again in a couple of months to see how I’m doing. He told me I would be going through many changes. I told him that right now I don’t know what my purpose in life is. What do I do now? I guess I was so busy taking care of everybody that when everyone is gone, I am left here all alone.
I really miss Charles calling me “my dearest, my darling, my lover, my all.” I miss his hugs, his off the wall comments. I miss him comforting me when I felt depressed. He always knew what to say and how to build up my confidence. I miss Charles calling me on the cell phone to just tell me he loved me. I miss holding hands with him at night and just talking. Oh, if I could have just one more day! Now when something goes wrong or breaks, I think, ok, what would Charles do? He sure wouldn’t panic the way I do. He always told me we would have challenges, not problems. We would look at the challenge and see if we could fix it and we couldn’t fix it, how we would respond to it. I don’t like facing these challenges alone.
I know someday I will see so many people I have loved here on earth, but the one person I want to see again is my Charles!
DR
9/27/10
The chaplain from hospice called me today and wanted to know how I’m doing. He told me I had exchanged one type of stress for another type. Of course, I don’t want to go into detail about all of the little things I am coping with right now, but he is right. He told me that I’m lucky to have family and friends. I told him that even though I do, I still feel empty—all alone—like part of me is missing. He told me to take time just for me.
I paid my Toastmaster dues today and I so want to get started back because I loved it so much—but when it comes time to go, I just can’t make myself. I’m not ready to make any speeches right now. I want to be my funny self again and not break down and cry so much. I emailed the person who turns our dues in and she wrote me back that she understands. She told me that when her husband died, she missed several important functions. Once, she even got into her car and backed out and just pulled back into the carport again. She said it’s feeling somewhat like a wounded animal.
Ed, the chaplain, told me he would be checking on me again in a couple of months to see how I’m doing. He told me I would be going through many changes. I told him that right now I don’t know what my purpose in life is. What do I do now? I guess I was so busy taking care of everybody that when everyone is gone, I am left here all alone.
I really miss Charles calling me “my dearest, my darling, my lover, my all.” I miss his hugs, his off the wall comments. I miss him comforting me when I felt depressed. He always knew what to say and how to build up my confidence. I miss Charles calling me on the cell phone to just tell me he loved me. I miss holding hands with him at night and just talking. Oh, if I could have just one more day! Now when something goes wrong or breaks, I think, ok, what would Charles do? He sure wouldn’t panic the way I do. He always told me we would have challenges, not problems. We would look at the challenge and see if we could fix it and we couldn’t fix it, how we would respond to it. I don’t like facing these challenges alone.
I know someday I will see so many people I have loved here on earth, but the one person I want to see again is my Charles!
DR
9/27/10
Monday, September 20, 2010
Leon
Leon is my first cousin, but he has become one of my very best friends. If Leon sees anyone in need, he is there. Leon is a “workaholic.” He cannot stand to see anyone who is “lazy”.
When Charles started to get so bad, Leon would finish his “chores”, take a shower, get a thermos of coffee, and come over to chat with Charles for a few hours. Charles looked forward to his visits. If Leon got sick, Charles would worry himself to death about it. One night he told Leon that he really loved him; he said I mean I really love you. Oh, if you could have heard Charles say it, you wouldn’t forget it and Leon never has. I have loved Leon for coming to see my husband like he did, he didn’t have to do that, but he did. Then one night, I told Leon that I had found some type of sore on Charles’ back side and Leon called his wife Debbie. In a few minutes Debbie was over here with rubber gloves on and some kind of cream. Charles was very modest and didn’t want her to see his rear end, but Debbie won. From that point on, Debbie was the doctor who healed his bedsore. He loved Debbie just as much as he did Leon. The funny thing about Debbie is that I always thought she was “unfriendly” and she thought I was a “snob.” It’s funny how we think of somebody that we don’t really know. I love Debbie like I think I would love a sister. We no longer think those things about each other.
But getting back to Leon. He loves his mother and faithfully cuts her wood and keeps her wood stacked on her porch. She still wants to heat with wood at 83 years old. Leon makes sure she doesn’t run out. He helps her with her grass and any other thing that comes up.
And now, he has me, I am still afraid of the riding lawnmower. He has cut my grass, helped me with my toilets, and numerous other things.
In addition, for the past 2 or 3 years he has cut my dad’s hair.
The other week he nearly killed himself helping his friend, Benny (who is in his 80’s) bale hay. He had to work on the machinery plus help him bale the hay. Leon would come in at night barely able to walk. Yet, he was up again bright and early the next morning to help Benny all day again.
Did I mention he made a huge garden and with the vegetables they didn’t can or freeze, he was taking to friends and even cutting corn off the cob and freezing for family members?
I can’t say enough about Leon. Up until Charles got sick, I really didn’t know Leon either. I worked all the time and he was at work and then he retired and of course, worked more in the yard.
If you need a best friend, I recommend Leon!
DR, 9/18/10
When Charles started to get so bad, Leon would finish his “chores”, take a shower, get a thermos of coffee, and come over to chat with Charles for a few hours. Charles looked forward to his visits. If Leon got sick, Charles would worry himself to death about it. One night he told Leon that he really loved him; he said I mean I really love you. Oh, if you could have heard Charles say it, you wouldn’t forget it and Leon never has. I have loved Leon for coming to see my husband like he did, he didn’t have to do that, but he did. Then one night, I told Leon that I had found some type of sore on Charles’ back side and Leon called his wife Debbie. In a few minutes Debbie was over here with rubber gloves on and some kind of cream. Charles was very modest and didn’t want her to see his rear end, but Debbie won. From that point on, Debbie was the doctor who healed his bedsore. He loved Debbie just as much as he did Leon. The funny thing about Debbie is that I always thought she was “unfriendly” and she thought I was a “snob.” It’s funny how we think of somebody that we don’t really know. I love Debbie like I think I would love a sister. We no longer think those things about each other.
But getting back to Leon. He loves his mother and faithfully cuts her wood and keeps her wood stacked on her porch. She still wants to heat with wood at 83 years old. Leon makes sure she doesn’t run out. He helps her with her grass and any other thing that comes up.
And now, he has me, I am still afraid of the riding lawnmower. He has cut my grass, helped me with my toilets, and numerous other things.
In addition, for the past 2 or 3 years he has cut my dad’s hair.
The other week he nearly killed himself helping his friend, Benny (who is in his 80’s) bale hay. He had to work on the machinery plus help him bale the hay. Leon would come in at night barely able to walk. Yet, he was up again bright and early the next morning to help Benny all day again.
Did I mention he made a huge garden and with the vegetables they didn’t can or freeze, he was taking to friends and even cutting corn off the cob and freezing for family members?
I can’t say enough about Leon. Up until Charles got sick, I really didn’t know Leon either. I worked all the time and he was at work and then he retired and of course, worked more in the yard.
If you need a best friend, I recommend Leon!
DR, 9/18/10
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
What Lies Ahead
I’ve had quite a few days of thinking about lies ahead for me. This is the first time in my life I have ever been totally alone. I lived my parents until I married the first time and when I divorced after 18 years, I still had my daughter with me. Of course she is married and has children of her own, and now that Charles has died, I am alone.
It has been six months and still seems like yesterday he was here and and then again sometimes I think the past 30 years have been a dream and he was never here. Of course I can look around and see him everywhere in the clocks and bowls and the things he has made over the years, even the house I’m living in.
I attended a meeting with my daughter, Christi, on Sunday afternoon and the speaker, Jennifer, talked about “Dreams.” At first I thought she was going to discuss the meaning of dreams and of course I have some of the craziest dreams on record—well besides my friend, Irma, whom I think we compete with each other on having the craziest. Well, she began to talk about when she was a little girl and the dreams she had and that she could do anything. Dreams of singing with her brothers and maybe they could form a band, or her fairytale wedding, and then—she grew up and life began.
I began to think of what my dreams used to be. But, I can truthfully say Charles taught me to dream again and he always told me how smart I was. I always said back, but I’m fat and ugly. He always responded, “you’re not ugly.” Lol My new dream is that I will become thin again and I am working on it. You may say, why didn’t you work on that before? Food was my only comfort. And even at that, I couldn’t do my comforting in front of Charles because he lived on Ensure for over 3 years and I even felt guilty that I could eat anything that I wanted.
I don’t know what lies ahead of me, am I always going to live alone, what do I do with myself, can I ever be truly happy again? Well, I working on the happiness part. Charles was happy before he died and he told me the key to everything is forgiveness. Oh, I don’t know about that one. I’m working on that too. I’m also working on being around people who are positive and have goals in mind. I want to go places further than 30 miles from my house. I’m making my “bucket” list. If you don’t have one, you need to make one. It’s kind of like a “dream” list, anyway in my opinion it is.
Well, I’m finally beginning to enjoy being alone. At least when I have a bad day, I can cry and no one knows except my new puppy who licks my tears and then I have to laugh. When I come home, she is so happy to see me. It’s not quite like Charles greeting me, but it’s better than coming to an empty house. I try to take her with me as much as I can because she really enjoys going with me.
Well, enough for today. Just start those “dreams” again!
DR
9/15/10
It has been six months and still seems like yesterday he was here and and then again sometimes I think the past 30 years have been a dream and he was never here. Of course I can look around and see him everywhere in the clocks and bowls and the things he has made over the years, even the house I’m living in.
I attended a meeting with my daughter, Christi, on Sunday afternoon and the speaker, Jennifer, talked about “Dreams.” At first I thought she was going to discuss the meaning of dreams and of course I have some of the craziest dreams on record—well besides my friend, Irma, whom I think we compete with each other on having the craziest. Well, she began to talk about when she was a little girl and the dreams she had and that she could do anything. Dreams of singing with her brothers and maybe they could form a band, or her fairytale wedding, and then—she grew up and life began.
I began to think of what my dreams used to be. But, I can truthfully say Charles taught me to dream again and he always told me how smart I was. I always said back, but I’m fat and ugly. He always responded, “you’re not ugly.” Lol My new dream is that I will become thin again and I am working on it. You may say, why didn’t you work on that before? Food was my only comfort. And even at that, I couldn’t do my comforting in front of Charles because he lived on Ensure for over 3 years and I even felt guilty that I could eat anything that I wanted.
I don’t know what lies ahead of me, am I always going to live alone, what do I do with myself, can I ever be truly happy again? Well, I working on the happiness part. Charles was happy before he died and he told me the key to everything is forgiveness. Oh, I don’t know about that one. I’m working on that too. I’m also working on being around people who are positive and have goals in mind. I want to go places further than 30 miles from my house. I’m making my “bucket” list. If you don’t have one, you need to make one. It’s kind of like a “dream” list, anyway in my opinion it is.
Well, I’m finally beginning to enjoy being alone. At least when I have a bad day, I can cry and no one knows except my new puppy who licks my tears and then I have to laugh. When I come home, she is so happy to see me. It’s not quite like Charles greeting me, but it’s better than coming to an empty house. I try to take her with me as much as I can because she really enjoys going with me.
Well, enough for today. Just start those “dreams” again!
DR
9/15/10
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Happy Anniversary, Charles
Today would have been our 26th wedding anniversary. Instead of celebrating with me, you are in heaven celebrating. Someone told me to think about good memories of you today and so here goes.
I showed some of our old pictures to Kristin today and it brought back so many good memories. While we were dating, we were always building something, fixing something, cutting down trees, or hauling logs. Boy, I never knew that I would think of those as the fun days. You took some pictures of me while we were building your solar shed, but they were all “butt” shots. I was pretty skinny then and you told me I had a nice butt. Lol Looking back at those pictures, yeah wish I looked like that now. I went through the pictures of the snow that kept up snowbound for a week when we had first gotten married. I loved that house and used to call it our “love nest”. I especially liked the swing you built for me and put it on that big flat rock overlooking our creek. We used to sit out there while it was raining because you had that nice wood shingle roof on it.
I can remember that we had about 20 dogs that would chase us out the driveway of the morning. Of course, we weren’t around anybody and nobody cared about all of the barking. I can remember the time we came home at midnight and a tree had fallen across the driveway to our house and we didn’t have a good flashlight as we walked almost a mile to the house and we were both scared to death and then we had to drive back up to cut the tree up so we could go on to our house.
I remember the time that I won the fur coat in Dallas. I had 12 of my consultants there, including my mother, you, and Christi. I knew I was in the top 50 in the nation. You told me that my mother looked around and told everyone to not get their hopes up because I would not win anything. You told me that Christi burst out crying and my friend, Cherry took her closer to the stage so they could get a picture of me coming out to get my fur coat. Yes, I knew I was in the top 10 when they started numbering us off outside, but I didn’t know where. I remember you telling me how you cheered and clapped as #11 came out onto the stage and the man next to you said, oh is that your wife, I bet you’re really proud of her. And you responded, Hell no, my wife has won a fur coat! You said it made you even happier when I was not #10 or #9, but I was #8.
I remember when I made Director-In Qualification, you sent me flowers at TVA and your card said “Congratulations to my VIP, DIQ, and lover forever, for all things come to him who works his ass off.” You always could make me laugh.
I have a million good memories of you, because you had faith in me and kept telling me how smart I am. I grew up in a very negative family and had a low opinion of myself and you gave me courage to step out and do things that I never thought I could possibly do.
Happy Anniversary, Charles, and I will always love you and I miss you terribly.
DR
9/1/10
I showed some of our old pictures to Kristin today and it brought back so many good memories. While we were dating, we were always building something, fixing something, cutting down trees, or hauling logs. Boy, I never knew that I would think of those as the fun days. You took some pictures of me while we were building your solar shed, but they were all “butt” shots. I was pretty skinny then and you told me I had a nice butt. Lol Looking back at those pictures, yeah wish I looked like that now. I went through the pictures of the snow that kept up snowbound for a week when we had first gotten married. I loved that house and used to call it our “love nest”. I especially liked the swing you built for me and put it on that big flat rock overlooking our creek. We used to sit out there while it was raining because you had that nice wood shingle roof on it.
I can remember that we had about 20 dogs that would chase us out the driveway of the morning. Of course, we weren’t around anybody and nobody cared about all of the barking. I can remember the time we came home at midnight and a tree had fallen across the driveway to our house and we didn’t have a good flashlight as we walked almost a mile to the house and we were both scared to death and then we had to drive back up to cut the tree up so we could go on to our house.
I remember the time that I won the fur coat in Dallas. I had 12 of my consultants there, including my mother, you, and Christi. I knew I was in the top 50 in the nation. You told me that my mother looked around and told everyone to not get their hopes up because I would not win anything. You told me that Christi burst out crying and my friend, Cherry took her closer to the stage so they could get a picture of me coming out to get my fur coat. Yes, I knew I was in the top 10 when they started numbering us off outside, but I didn’t know where. I remember you telling me how you cheered and clapped as #11 came out onto the stage and the man next to you said, oh is that your wife, I bet you’re really proud of her. And you responded, Hell no, my wife has won a fur coat! You said it made you even happier when I was not #10 or #9, but I was #8.
I remember when I made Director-In Qualification, you sent me flowers at TVA and your card said “Congratulations to my VIP, DIQ, and lover forever, for all things come to him who works his ass off.” You always could make me laugh.
I have a million good memories of you, because you had faith in me and kept telling me how smart I am. I grew up in a very negative family and had a low opinion of myself and you gave me courage to step out and do things that I never thought I could possibly do.
Happy Anniversary, Charles, and I will always love you and I miss you terribly.
DR
9/1/10
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
New Beginnings
After my husband and my mother died, I really didn't know what to do with my life. I could have just sat in my nightgown and stared at the four walls forever. I felt like my life was over. But my best friend for the past 54 years, ut oh I'm telling my age, gave me a daily devotional book entitled "New Beginnings." I thought at first, oh great, just what I need another daily devotional book. I finally opened this book, the introduction began to read, "As you graduate to the next phase of life, you've got decisions to make...lots of them." It talked about I was about to embark upon my next grand adventure.
I have to admit that I could not imagine that my life would start a new "grand" adventure without my husband, especially. I could tell him anything--if I dreaded something, if I didn't know how to handle a situation--he would always put a funny twist on it and I would laugh and go on. Now, my only outlet is my new puppy, Chloe, and she listens, but I just don't get any feedback except her cuddling next to me and licking my arm.
People have told me it would take time. I thought I was prepared. You're never prepared. My husband even had everything fixed or replaced at her home so I would be ok. Guess what, it seemed like everything started messing up--three toilets and something wrong with each one of them. Well, my new handyman is my cousin next door, Leon. Well, I do try to fix things myself and then I have to give up. I wish I had paid more attention when Charles told me how to fix something. Oh well, Leon, I need HELP! He's right over. There are 5 widows at the end of our street. I'm the youngest and Leon is helping all of us. I don't know what we will all do if something happens to Leon. I guess we'll be at Home Depot or Lowes taking some of those classes.
Each day I wake up, it is a new day and I can truthfully say that I am on the way to being happy again and looking forward to new things and new challenges. Now, I didn't say that I can get into any of my husband's clothes, tools, or his other personal effects. In time, I will be able to do that also.
If you are someone who has lost someone you love, there is hope. Give yourself time. Give yourself time to mourn. My friend of 54 years called and shared a verse with me, "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Yes, I am having fun again. Thank you Charles for my convertible with xm radio. If you see a white haired lady in a white convertible with oldies playing very loudly speeding down the freeway, watch out, that's probably me!
I have to admit that I could not imagine that my life would start a new "grand" adventure without my husband, especially. I could tell him anything--if I dreaded something, if I didn't know how to handle a situation--he would always put a funny twist on it and I would laugh and go on. Now, my only outlet is my new puppy, Chloe, and she listens, but I just don't get any feedback except her cuddling next to me and licking my arm.
People have told me it would take time. I thought I was prepared. You're never prepared. My husband even had everything fixed or replaced at her home so I would be ok. Guess what, it seemed like everything started messing up--three toilets and something wrong with each one of them. Well, my new handyman is my cousin next door, Leon. Well, I do try to fix things myself and then I have to give up. I wish I had paid more attention when Charles told me how to fix something. Oh well, Leon, I need HELP! He's right over. There are 5 widows at the end of our street. I'm the youngest and Leon is helping all of us. I don't know what we will all do if something happens to Leon. I guess we'll be at Home Depot or Lowes taking some of those classes.
Each day I wake up, it is a new day and I can truthfully say that I am on the way to being happy again and looking forward to new things and new challenges. Now, I didn't say that I can get into any of my husband's clothes, tools, or his other personal effects. In time, I will be able to do that also.
If you are someone who has lost someone you love, there is hope. Give yourself time. Give yourself time to mourn. My friend of 54 years called and shared a verse with me, "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Yes, I am having fun again. Thank you Charles for my convertible with xm radio. If you see a white haired lady in a white convertible with oldies playing very loudly speeding down the freeway, watch out, that's probably me!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
NightMare Tax Free Weekend
Tax free weekend began Friday, but my daughter and I finally managed to get everyone together today (Sunday). Things started off rather peacefully. We ate at the Steak and Shake, and from there it began to be "Nightmare Tax Free Weekend." This is August and you would have thought it was Christmas Eve. My grandson, Christopher, is entering college and I had promised him a new laptop computer. We decided to wait until the tax free weekend. Our first stop was to Best Buy. The crowd was unbelievable. For the first time, we had to take a number. There was a guy standing there with a microphone calling out the numbers and would not let you pass until your number was called. We were number 31. Sounds pretty good until you realize we waited about 45 minutes for us to go back and talk to the salesperson about the computer we had already picked out. Our little guy had us so confused about the purchase, because he kept adding things on and when we would ask about a certain item the price would change and it seemed he was telling us a different story. We finally said we had to leave to talk about it. We left and went across the street to Office Depot. We found a better laptop computer and a guy who really knew what he was talking about. Then we had to stand in line about 30 minutes.
Our next stop was to the mall. I believe everyone in our city was there. If they weren't, they were trying to get in. We finally found a parking space and then entered the mall. I almost was run over by a train traveling around in the crowded mall with little children. We were dodging people constantly.
We finally made another purchase in a store (my younger grandson needed some new jeans) and we started our journey back to the car.
I just don't believe the journey was worth saving a few dollars, plus the temperature was almost 100 degrees, plus the gas that was used. I had parked my car and we were all in my daughter's van.
When we came back to my car, I just wanted to kiss it I was so glad to see it.
I never want to be a part of "Tax Free Weekend" ever again.
Our next stop was to the mall. I believe everyone in our city was there. If they weren't, they were trying to get in. We finally found a parking space and then entered the mall. I almost was run over by a train traveling around in the crowded mall with little children. We were dodging people constantly.
We finally made another purchase in a store (my younger grandson needed some new jeans) and we started our journey back to the car.
I just don't believe the journey was worth saving a few dollars, plus the temperature was almost 100 degrees, plus the gas that was used. I had parked my car and we were all in my daughter's van.
When we came back to my car, I just wanted to kiss it I was so glad to see it.
I never want to be a part of "Tax Free Weekend" ever again.
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