A Year Ago Today

On the news all I’ve heard and read about is that the world was supposed to have ended today. Well, we’re all still here, thank goodness. But, as I read these news articles I couldn’t help but think back to a year ago today. My world as I knew it, ended that day when my dad died. When he died, I had already lost my mother and my husband a little over two years before. All of a sudden my responsibilities ended. My dad was the most difficult of the three to take care of, and he died with the most suffering. He had Parkinsons and the last year he lived, he needed sitters most of the time. He had a stroke and was paralyzed on his left side, couldn’t eat and drink, and could not talk. I only hope that he wasn’t aware of how bad it was. What I have learned is that life goes on. Death is a part of life. It’s a tough part of life, but with it we learn a lot. I don’t know why we have to go through some of the things that we go through, but that’s life. You can either let it destroy you with depression and despair, or you can go on with your own life. You don’t have to sit down and wait to die. There’s a lot out there to enjoy. After my dad died, I said none of them are coming back, what do I do now? Well, I have a lot of things I want to do before I “die”. I feel great today. Life is good. Life is what you make it. DR 12/21/12

I Know How You Feel

Sunday I heard these words in a sermon. I haven’t forgotten them. I heard them a lot when my husband, my mother, and my dad died. I used to say these same words to someone when they lost someone, but I really didn’t have a clue how they felt until I experienced the three closest people to me die. There are really no words to describe the feelings I had. I guess all of these feelings have come back to me because my dad died this month a year ago. It was really hard to watch my dad die. He had a stroke and couldn’t eat, drink, speak, and was paralyzed on his left side. I remember holding his hand and telling him that he was a good daddy to me and I told him how I remembered all of the good times we had. As I held his hand he looked at me and tears were going down his cheeks. I knew that he could hear me and understand what I was saying. The day my husband died he couldn’t communicate with me at all. I took Charles into my arms and told him it was ok for him to go. He didn’t need to suffer anymore and then I told him all of the things that he had worried about leaving me with. He had told the priest many times that he couldn’t leave me because I needed him. I tried to reassure him that I would be ok and that he had taught me how to take care of myself. I had no idea that in just a few hours he would close his eyes and be gone in just a blink of an eye. My mother went to sleep and never woke up. I had never been around death and all of a sudden everyone was gone. Everyone deals with the loss of someone differently. Charles and I had planned for his death for 14 years. I know that sounds crazy, but God let him live an additional 14 years. Each time we had a scare we would get out all of the papers and documents to make sure everything was in order. I remember when he had just gotten on hospice he leaned on the bedroom door and told me that he was dying. I looked at him and told him that he had told me that many times and he had never gone anywhere. We both laughed. He used to tell everyone that his new apartment was on the mantle and he would be in there one day—and now he is. Be careful when you tell someone you know how they feel, because I know now that I don’t have a clue as to how someone really feels. It’s also strange how those feelings come rising back up and you feel like you did just when it was all happening. I never thought that I could make it without any of them, but I have. I miss all of them. I miss being able to pick up the phone and call my mother. I miss hearing my dad telling me to be careful when I would leave. I miss seeing Charles standing at the window waiting for me to come home. I have wonderful memories—but they are not coming back. Life goes on. I read a quote, “Don’t be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin.” I feel like my life has just begun again. I look forward to each new day. I know that God has allowed me to love again. I didn’t think almost three years ago that would be possible. I’ve learned that you must grieve—it’s a process and each person goes through it differently. DR 12/18/12

La Vie Est Belle

This is the name of my new fragrance and it means “Life Is Beautiful”. The fragrance I had been wearing for years, “Brown Sugar”, was discontinued. I really hate to find a new fragrance that I like, but I knew I had to. I have a hard time because some fragrances truly make me sick. I cannot be around anyone who has on a musk fragrance. Years ago, I was on annual leave from my TVA job and when I came back the person filling in for me must have taken a bath in musk. I had to sterilize everything, including my telephone. It was awful. One time I loved the fragrance, “Ambush” and so I bought some. I truly smelled like I had been “ambushed” with that one. There are just some fragrances that change with my body chemistry. While I was in California, I thought I could find something that I liked. The girl at the Lancome counter told me that “La Vie Est Belle” was brand new and had a lot of natural ingredients in it. She also said that “men” really like it. Oh well, that last comment sold me on it, so I bought it. Actually, I really like the way it smells, and it doesn’t turn “ugly” on me. A long time ago I wrote about people were always telling me that I smell good. I was showing homes to one of my clients, and she told me that everytime she got into my car she wanted to eat sugar cookies. She asked if it was me or if it was my car. I told her it was me. It really became very humorous to me and so I asked my husband if I smelled good and he said that you just smell like Diane. I took that as a compliment. I have to say that people are beginning to comment on my “new” fragrance and telling me that I smell good. Guess I picked the right fragrance after all. But the best thing about this fragrance, that I couldn’t even pronounce the name, is that it means “Life is Beautiful.” I love the meaning because to me Life is Beautiful and it gets better every day. DR

What My Parents Did Right

I have always thought about what my parents did wrong until one night while we were walking, Mitchell told me he had heard “What My Parents Did Right” as a title of a book and how it had changed his thinking. I have to admit that it has changed mine as well. My dad died December 21, 2011, and so I have had that on my mind this month. As a tribute to him, I am going to talk about some of the things that my parents did right. I can honestly say I was a “daddy’s girl.” My mother was the one to be feared. When she got mad at me, her eyes would get as big as saucers. Well, at least in my perspective they did. I can remember when I was in the first grade my mother told me to not get on the merry-go-round. Well, she shouldn’t have said that because I just had to try that. I guess I didn’t hold on properly and I was “skinned” all over my arms and legs. My mother worked second shift and my dad worked first shift, so he was the one at home when I got there. I told him what I had done and he doctored all of my cuts and scratches. I was terrified what my mother would do since I had disobeyed her. I was awake when she came home and I remember she was angry when my dad told her what had happened. My dad told her that she shouldn’t say anything because he was sure that I had learned my lesson. Yes, my daddy always took up for me. He would go to town on Saturday and would always bring me back a book. I loved mysteries even back then and he would bring me a Nancy Drew mystery or some other kind he thought I would like. The last doll I ever got was a Terri Lee doll and I received a magazine with her. It had a “pen pal” page and as a result, I had a lot of pen pals. I had as many as 50 pen pals and I can remember my dad telling me that I would have to give most of them up because stamps had gone up to 3 cents. Now, I’m really telling my age. I had leg aches a lot and my dad would rub my legs with alcohol. I think now they say that’s a bad thing to do, but it sure relieved my leg aches. He would also do some of my “chores” when I got sick. I know it sounds like I’m not saying good things about my mother, so I need to change this to what my mother did right. My mother taught me to cook, sew, and clean house. She was very picky and demanding, but now that I look back, this is a good thing that she taught me. My mother was a hard worker and she demanded the same out of me, and yes, also my dad. My mother never liked desserts, but my dad and I did. My specialty in cooking became desserts and especially anything chocolate. My dad’s favorite was chocolate chiffon pie. My dad said he could spread chocolate syrup on a piece of white bread and be happy. What did my parents do right? They must have done a lot of things right because I think I turned out to be a good, moral person. Think about what your parents did right. We focus on too many of the bad things. DR 12/10/12

Been Thinking About What I Like

Have you ever thought about the things that you really like? There are things that I like and there are things that I really, really love! Tonight was one of the things that I really, really love! We haven’t walked in a couple of weeks—well because I was out of town—and tonight we did our walking over the bridge. Since I’ve heard the song, River of Dreams, I like to think of it that way. I walk with Angela and Mitchell and we talk about so many things and I think that sometimes I have been the inspiration for some of Mitchell’s sermons. It feels so good to be able to be with friends that you feel so comfortable with. So, we laugh and discuss many things. We have solved a lot of world problems crossing that bridge! What else do I like? Well, today I went by my daughter’s office and spent some time with her. It’s amazing that the older I get the smarter my daughter gets. I value her opinion and she is so talented. Guess she got all of that from me, at least I would like to take some of the credit. I had lunch with one of my good friends today. I almost hate to say that having lunch with a friend is one of my favorite activities, but it is. Before my husband died, he said over and over that he wanted me to go have lunch every day with one of my friends. Guess he knew me pretty well. I’m not a person who is concerned more with “things” but rather giving my time or someone spending time with me means more than anything. I love coming home and that my dog, Chloe is so happy to see me. Yeah, it sounds so silly, but this is unconditional love and I eat it up. No matter what, Chloe loves me and is glad to see me. I love fresh flowers, and I treat myself to having them. I love clean sheets. There’s nothing like taking a shower and sliding in between the clean sheets. My list can go on and on and it looks like I “love” things more than just “liking.” When I think of more, I’ll to add to my list. Start thinking about you like and what you love. Most of the time we think about what we don’t like. Try changing your thoughts! DR 12/5/12

Jet Lag

Seems I have been battling “jet lag” going to California and also returning back home. I always wake up at 6 a.m. so in California I woke up every morning at 3 a.m. I kept thinking it was later than it was in California and now I keep thinking it’s earlier. The funny thing is that no matter what time I eventually go to sleep since I’m back, I still wake up at 6 a.m. That is not to say that I am fully functional at that time. I get up, stagger to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. I have never been a “morning” person. My mother was a morning person. She would be so cheerful and I just wanted peace and quiet. Charles was also a morning person. I remember the first time we rode into work I didn’t talk. When we got to work, Charles said you didn’t talk to me all the way in to work. I told him that I am not a morning person and I never talk very much in the mornings. I am a night person. He said that I would talk to him. I guess you could say that was our first disagreement in the parking lot. I can say that after that morning I did talk. We had a 45 minute drive every morning and each evening and those are very pleasant memories. Guess I reverted back to silence in the mornings—Chloe (my Yorkie) doesn’t talk very much either. Why do our bodies react this way? I had just gotten used to the time change and now this. Well, I think I’m finally getting back to “normal.” Tonight I’m even sleepy at a decent hour. But I know that I will wake up at 6 a.m. no matter what. DR 12/2/12

Yes I Can

Actually I was going to put the title of this as my California trip, but it became more than that. I’ll explain. I set this trip up several months ago, and I was very excited about going, until it got closer and then I began to panic. I haven’t flown in almost 20 years and I have heard so many horror stories about going through security and people being strip searched—well you’ve probably heard the same stories I’ve heard. Anyway, my daughter helped me with my packing and assured me that all would be well. Actually, everything did go well. I passed security with flying colors and as soon as I got on the plane I felt at ease again. The reason I put “Yes I Can” is because this is the first trip I’ve made since I have been alone. It’s kind of a scary world out there when you’re facing things “alone.” I learned from this trip that I have many friends and although I have felt “alone”, I really am not. I thoroughly enjoyed my trip to Sacramento, California, even though I had to make a trip to the walk in clinic for antibiotics. I just couldn’t believe that I got sick and stayed in bed for almost two days. I had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with Debbie. She showed me lots of sights, but the most wonderful day was when we went to Napa Valley and San Francisco. We rode a tram up to the winery, and I had forgotten that I was afraid of heights—but I made it up and also back down. Our route to San Francisco would take us across the Golden Gate Bridge and even though I also have a hangup with bridges, it was exciting to go across. We went down to Fisherman’s Wharf and on to Pier 39. We ate at Bubba Gumps Shrimp Restaurant and it was really good. Today was my trip back home. The plane in Sacramento left about 15 minutes late and as a result, I missed my flight back to Chattanooga. I knew I only had a few minutes to get to that plane and I ran like crazy. Had to take the train, walking sidewalk, and the escalator upstairsm and wouldn’t you know it, my gate was at the end. The plane was there, but they were ready for takeoff and they wouldn’t let me on. I had a 3 hour layover. Christi went on to the airport in Chattanooga to see if my luggage arrived, and it had. So all I had to do was get on the plane and get back off without going to the baggage section. All in all, my trip was a success. I found out that “Yes I Can” do the things I want to do again. While I was waiting for my flight back to Chattanooga I started checking my Facebook. My favorite verse was shared by someone, Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I had the assurance that my life is not over yet, and the best is yet to come. DR 11/27/12

Thanksgiving 2012

I've thought a lot about what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving. I am thankful for good health. God has really been good to me that I am healthy. I am thankful for my daughter, Christi. She is not only my daughter but has become my best friend. I needed to pack for a trip and she helped me with my packing and encouraging me not to be afraid to fly again. I think she really got concerned when I was near hysteria and walking the floor. She's never seen me that way and I have always been able to conceal that part of me from anybody--well, except for Charles and he always seem to say the right thing to calm me. I discovered that it wasn't the flying that was bothering me, but rather going through security and making sure my luggage was correct. I passed with flying (no pun intended) colors. As soon as I got on the airplane, I was in love with flying again. I guess it's the insecurity of being alone, but I was always alone when I used to fly--so why would it be any different now? Well, for one thing you don't have the husband to call and make sure that you feel secure and safe--I am now the one in control of myself. Wow, kind of a big job. I can do this. Well, I do have a lot of things on my bucket list in the coming months--taking a cruise. I have been afraid to even do that because of so many people disappearing from the cruise boats. In each case though, it seems that alcohol may have been involved. That shouldn't be a problem for me. Another fear would be flying across the ocean and I plan to go to Europe next summer. Guess I'll need knockout drops when I do that one. Yes, I am thankful for a lot of things this year. I'm thankful that I have the courage and ambition to try new things. You never get too old to learn. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but I disagree. This ole dog is learning a lot of new tricks and I'm enjoying everyone of them. Don't ever be afraid to step out and try something new. DR 11/21/12

"SH"

Charles and I had not been married very long. He was traveling quite a bit for work at that time. I thought I would be the perfect, sweet little wife and I enclosed a love note in his luggage. I started it off with “SH” and I don’t remember the rest of it, probably I love you or something and then I signed it. I thought it very strange that while he was gone he never mentioned my note. When he got home, I asked him if he found my note and he said yes and he had been really concerned about that note all week. I asked him, “why”? He said well, you started the note with “SH” and everybody knows that stands for s**t head. I burst out laughing and he said, what’s so funny? I told him I meant for it to be Sweet Heart and that I never used that other term to begin with. So being the mischievous person that I am, the next trip had a note enclosed with all kinds of abbreviations. I never forgot that and neither did he. When I said “SH” he would always ask me which one was I calling him and I would always say, “guess”. DR 11/14/12

Snookums

It seems like I have known Tony forever. I guess we’ve been friends since 1997 when I first got into real estate. He was a loan officer and also a good friend. Oh, did I mention that I’m old enough to be his mother? Well, anyway, I had the buyers for a property and they were ready to continue their paperwork with Tony. I can’t remember all the details but I remember Tony and I were going to wait at McDonalds until I got a counter back from the listing agent. The listing agent came in and asked if Tony and I were married….. We looked at each other and kind of laughed. I thought is he nuts? So after the listing agent left, Tony looked at me and said “Snookums, do you want some more coffee?” It has been our joke ever since. Tony has since found the woman of his dreams! Susan is such a wonderful wife and mother. I helped them find their “dream house.” Tony is not a loan officer anymore, and I really miss that. Thank you Tony for your great sense of humor and also being the good friend you’ve always been. DR

Eddie

I was 16 years old and I had gone to spend the night with my best friend, Diane. Yeah, they called us the two Diane’s. She was a blonde and my hair was jet black. She lived up the hill from me. We always went straight through the park to get to each other’s house. Well, this particular night, Diane’s mother was at work and her grandmother, Momsie really didn’t care what we did. Well, not that we ever did anything bad. For one thing, I was scared of my shadow. Diane had her boyfriend come over and he brought “Eddie” with him. To this day I do not know Eddie’s last name. The thing I do remember is the song, The Lion Sleeps Tonight. Yeah, another song to remind me of a time and place. Eddie wore a black leather jacket and was he ever cute. I never saw Eddie again after that night. It was a fun night. We didn’t do anything except some hugging and kissing which was a biggie for me back then. Oh Eddie, I wonder what ever happened to you? DR 11/9/12

Veteran's Day - 2012

Today I’m remembering that my dad served in World War II. I’m really thankful that he did because I was able to get him VA benefits for him and my mother when they were in assisted living. I remember when I first started the process my dad said you won’t ever get anything. I asked him if he had ever tried and he said yes. I asked him when and he said right after he got out of the service. I laughed and told him that he didn’t have me to get them for him. He said he didn’t care, I wouldn’t get anything. Well, it was a long process. You wouldn’t believe the hours and hours I put in—not only on the computer trying to fill out forms but also going over to the VA center at Eastgate. There were many days that I got over there before 8 a.m. and stayed minimum of 4 hours. It was worth it though. Because of the VA benefits my mother and dad were able to be taken care of properly. I wanted to be able to take them into my home, but my husband had also gotten ill at the same time. At first when everyone got sick, I have to admit that I felt sorry for myself. I kept asking myself, why me? Why is all of this happening to me and then I realized that it wasn’t “me”. I was the person here who could take control and know what to do and do what was right for each one of them. Yes, at times it hurt. At times my dad who had never raised his voice to me in my life took all of his frustrations and hurts out on me. I was a Daddy’s girl and he always defended me about any and everything. Charles helped me as long as he was able to and he would ride with me to assisted living. It meant a lot to just have him in the car to help me with my emotions after I left both of them. My mother was in her own little world while my dad had complete control of his senses. He couldn’t deal with all that was taking place. Because the VA benefits kicked in I no longer had to do their laundry every week. I was able to pay assisted living to take care of that. I remember one time I walked in with about 4 laundry baskets that I had folded—just for my mother—and a man asked if I did laundry for everyone. I had to laugh and tell him that was just my mother’s laundry. All I ever told my dad is that I did get VA benefits for him and my mother. I never told him how much. It took me a year to get them started and the VA went back to day one to start the checks. The first check got me out of a financial bind with their own personal money. My parents weren’t rich by any means, but my mother was very good with money. I just wish I had listened better when she was taking me with her to take care of their financial affairs. My mother never knew that everything was okay as far as money was ooncerned, she was just happy that she was being taken care of. When I took her to assisted living she thought she was in a huge house and had maids who were cleaning and cooking for her. Oh, the beauty of our minds! Thank you VA for making life so much easier not only for me but for my parents! DR – 11/11/12

My Life is Like a Song

Sometimes I feel like my life is like a song. Somebody will say something and I automatically think of a song. Seems so crazy, but I put so much humor in everything I do, it’s really just like me to have a song for everything I do. I can hear a song on the radio and I automatically think of a time and place in my life. Sometimes it’s a very good memory and sometimes it brings back a heartbreaking time in my life. When I was growing up, I don’t believe my mother or dad ever heard my voice. I had everything in my room—telephone (rotary), tv (black and white, by the way), my Voice of Music hi fi as it was called back then. We were so poor and I didn’t have a clue that we were. I felt rich because I had everything I needed. My mother gave me $3 a week, but I had to have supper on the table every night and keep the house clean. I also sewed aprons for my mother to sell to her fellow workers. I did a little bit of everything to make money. I also made all of my clothes from the time I was 10. When I got to high school the girls in my home economics class didn’t like to sew so I brought home lots of collars, or sleeves, whatever it was we were sewing at the time. I charged 25 cents per collar or sleeve. Looks like the teacher would have wondered why they all looked alike. When I talked on the telephone it was usually to help somebody with math, or some subject. I was so shy that if you looked at me I would turn blood red. I know, I know nobody believes that at all today. People wonder what happened to the person who never opened her mouth. I had to make a speech at our ninth grade commencement and I thought I would die. If I had an oral book report in English, I would throw up and throw up the night before. I just couldn’t do it. This remained to be the case for me in my adult years until I married Charles. I remember I had gone to Huntsville, AL for a big meeting where I was recognized for recruiting five women in one month into a company I was involved in. When I stood up and was going to speak, my mouth moved, but nothing came out. I was so embarrassed. I wanted to crawl under a table. I cried all the way home. Charles told me it was okay that I would stop being that way. He always told me how smart he thought I was and one time he even said, “you’re way smarter than I even thought.” He encouraged me and I guess all of his encouragement paid off—or maybe he just created a monster! I remember how afraid I was to do anything. I wanted to go to a big meeting in Dallas, TX called “Celebration” and Charles told me that I needed to go by myself. He told me if he went I would cling to him and not talk to anybody. So, I kept talking about having to fly to Dallas by myself and a woman that I worked with told me she would go with me to that thing in Dallas if we would go to Southfork. At that time the tv series “Dallas” was very popular. I told her yes we would go. I’ll never forget the look on Charles’ face when I got on that airplane. He knew that I had not slept for two weeks before that trip. My friend told me to close my eyes and hold her hand, that it would be all right. As soon as the airplane started down the runway and began takeoff, I started smiling and I told Cherry that I thought I was going to love to fly. I did become a frequent flyer. I flew to Dallas several years every six months—by myself. I loved to fly. Charles told me he was going to teach me to be independent and I believe he did a good job. I still have those times that I cringe inside, but nobody can tell. When I hear Kool and the Gang when they sing “Celebration”, yes it reminds me of my trips to Dallas. That was always the theme song. I think of the first time I flew to Dallas everytime I hear it. That trip was so exciting. I really believed that I could be up on that stage the next year and win a fur coat. I called Charles and told him and he got excited too. I was telling him what he wanted to hear. The next year I was on that stage. Nobody knew if I was in Top Ten or not, but I knew that Charles believed I would be. He told me when number 11 came out, he clapped, he shouted and another husband said, oh I bet you’re proud of your wife. Charles said, Hell no, my wife has won a fur coat. He said when number 10 came out, he thought she didn’t make it by the skin of her teeth, then number 9, and I was number 8 out of 50 states. I still have my Blue Fox Fur with my signature monogrammed on the inside. They had to stop giving furs because of so much controversy but to me it means a lot. It showed me that with persistence and encouragement, you can do anything. The time came that I gave that part of my life up and I got into real estate. I remember during the training I got into my car and called Charles and told him I just didn’t think that I could do this. I was crying. He calmly told me to put my car into gear and come home. He said I have invested a lot of money in you and you can do this. I’ve been in real estate since 1997. I have my broker’s license in both Tennessee and Georgia. I was even a Managing Broker at one time. I became the Managing Broker over a man who had owned and managed a real estate office for almost 40 years. I remember that first Christmas I gave him a thank you card for all the help he had given me. He came to my office and said that he had not done a thing. He told me that I was smart on my own and he would even ask me for advice. He will never know how much that meant to me. It was during that time that my life fell apart. The three people closest to me all got sick at the same time. Another story, another time. It seems my life with Charles was a time of learning. He was my teacher. I have many stories I can tell about him. He had that warped sense of humor that I tend to also have. He was not a people person. He was the kind of person that the more you were around him, the better you liked him. I knew the “real” Charles. Well, my life is still a song. I’m hearing new melodies. I look forward to each day now. I have the optimistic view that good things are going to happen. What songs am I hearing? Guess that will be for another time.

Beat It

The year was 1988. I needed a new car. We looked everywhere, and finally Charles asked me what do you really want? I told him I had always wanted an RX 7. He checked the prices and he told me that an RX 7 was out of our price range, and he gave me a number that we couldn’t go over. Right now, I don’t remember what that number was. After that weekend, there was a huge ad in the newspaper from Scenic City Mazda. They used to be on Rossville Boulevard, and guess what, there was an RX 7 advertised under Charles’ quote to me. He was still working at TVA downtown then, and I called him and told him that God wanted me to have that car. He told me he would meet me at the dealership at noon. I took the ad with me. You see, they only advertise one car at the sales price in the newspaper but they put the VIN number in. The salesman told us that there wasn’t an RX 7 there for that price. But, I am very persistent, and I found it! The salesman asked if we wanted to take it for a test drive and of course I said yes! That salesman really trusted us because only 2 people could ride in that car. It was gray with kind of a dark red interior and of course had the 5-speed shift in the floor. As I started the car and proceeded to go to the road, Charles asked me what I thought, and I looked at him and I said, “I think I’m in love!” Of all the cars I have had in my lifetime, that RX 7 was my favorite. I kept it about 10 years. I guess you’re wondering why I put the title as “Beat It”. I used to play Michael Jackson’s Beat It and it was great to shift gears to. I listened to “Beat It” in my car the other day, and it brought back my memories of getting my RX 7 and how much I loved to drive it. It’s a wonder I never got a ticket because it was so easy to do 100 mph in that car. Funny how a song can bring back “fun” memories DR 10/30/12.

Susie

I don’t think I have ever met anybody like Susie before. She is one of the funniest people I have ever been around. She is also one of the busiest persons I’ve ever been around. She’s up at the crack of dawn and last night she was still up at midnight when I left her house doing of all things, making pumpkin bread for her company. She called me this morning to tell me that she had already made two more loaves of bread, which was time consuming since she had only one loaf pan and each loaf required an hour to bake. She had already made ready for company coming tonight and she had timed herself to finish her housework to get ready to come to Chattanooga to meet some old friends for lunch. I tell you, just hearing what she does every day wears me out. She has more energy than the energizer bunny. But one of her qualities I love is that no matter what the circumstances may be, she can laugh and when she laughs it is contagious! You can’t help but love her! Everybody in her hometown knows her and they’ve even asked her to run for Mayor. I don’t think she can fit that position into her busy schedule. Susie also helps her daughter with her granddaughter who is a special needs child. She is 10 years old now. It is so heartbreaking and that’s the only time you will see Susie start to shed tears and then she will think of something funny and there we go again. I just have to tell you that I had been feeling depressed. Well you might say I was having a Pity Party and I was definitely the star! Susie had asked me to come down so I did. We went to a high school football game—I have never been to a football game in my life! I didn’t dress warm enough and we took the blanket we were sitting on and decided to cover ourselves up with it. Well, not only was the game interesting, by the way the home team lost, but one of the players for the visiting team was hurt. It was very emotional to see that entire visiting team from a Christian high school get down on their knees and pray for their injured fellow player. The ambulance came and took him to the field where Life Force from Chattanooga came to get him. I still don’t know what happened to him, but I do hope he is ok. Susie was worried about me because I had not eaten supper (that’s what we say in the South) and so at 10 p.m. central time we’re at the Cracker Barrel. We were out by the time they closed. Susie took me back to her house with instructions to call her as soon as I got home. I called her and told her my ride home was uneventful until a policeman followed me with flashing bluelights. I knew I was under the speed limit, for a change, and it scared me. He pulled alongside me and asked if I was ok that I had been weaving a bit. I told him I was ok and he told me to be careful. I was weaving because I was trying to see why he was following me. Thank you Susie for such a fun filled night that was so full of laughing at nothing. I can’t wait to do it again. DR 10/27/12

Miracles in My Life

There have been many miracles in my life, but for now I will only touch on the major ones that have happened. I’ll never forget the Sunday night in church I prayed for a baby. My pastor had just preached a message on faith and I bowed my head and said, oh God I’ve been praying about this all wrong and now I am thanking you in advance, because I know you’re going to give me a baby. I don’t know how, when, or where but I know that you will grant this request. The next day I found out about an evangelist named Lester Roloff and he had the Rebekkah Home for Girls in Corpus Christi, TX. I told my husband that we needed to go to our pastor’s house immediately and try to call this man. He said, oh we need to pray about this and I said I prayed yesterday and this is my answer. Well to shorten this story quite a bit, my husband prayed that we would have a healthy baby and I prayed that I wanted a brown haired, blue eyed little girl. And today my little brown haired blued eyed little girl has two sons of her own. I believe in praying in detail. I’ll never forget the day that I stopped into a little furniture store in East Ridge and started chatting with the owner about my husband who was going in two weeks for tests at Vanderbilt for a heart transplant. Suddenly he said he was supposed to pray for my husband and I was “standing in his place”. He said the virus in his heart was still there and he was going to cast it out. Needless to say, that frankly scared me to death. I was frozen and could not move. After that prayer, he said he needed to pray for me that I would have peace,. He told me that in two weeks the doctor would tell my husband he would not need a heart transplant. He wanted me to come back and see him when we returned. I thanked him, asked him what church he belonged to and I hit the door running. I must say that after the first day of tests they cancelled all the tests for the next day. The next day his doctor told him that they didn’t know what had happened, but he did not need a heart transplant. He lived another 14 years after that, and I’m so thankful that someone had the courage to obey God and pray for that person. Now, here I come to what I would like to be a miracle. Some may think I am silly, but here goes. My husband died 2-1/2 years ago. I’m lonely. I don’t want to replace the man I was married to for 25-1/2 years, nobody could ever be like him. He was a unique person. He was good to me, taught me to be independent, made sure I had no debts except for utilities, taxes, and just the major things that have to be paid. So back in September, I asked God for a man to come into my life. Not just any man, like I said I do pray in detail. I asked God that he be tall, salt and pepper hair, good looks, professional, a caring and loving person. You need to pray in detail because I really don’t want someone that can stand under my arm, bald, dumb—well, you see what I mean. Will God answer my prayer? I don’t know. I hope He does. I’ve also thanked God for this man and I don’t know how, when, or where this will happen. But I do know that God does not make any mistakes. He may have already answered my prayer. I’ll let you know.

Reunion - 2012

Jeanie invited me to her all grades reunion for Kirkman High School. I didn’t graduate from there but a lot of my friends did. I really didn’t think that it would be very much fun, but as soon as we arrived the live band was already playing oldies. My weakness are songs from the 50’s and 60’s. This was a band who actually played at Kirkman. There was another band to play at 6. Needless to say, I had more fun than I’ve had in a long, long time. The food was great—I actually was able to eat and stay on my diet. A friend, Debbie, got me to go out on the dance floor. There were a lot of women just kind of dancing with each other like we did years ago. When I was growing up, Nancy, d Reida and I were constantly dancing and doing the twist. We loved our rock n roll. I saw Freddie again—he grabbed me as he was leaving. Now Freddie is married, but we go a long way back. He was never a boyfriend, but we did take a lot of midnight rides together. That’s another story that maybe someday I will tell. I did chase him and said you have to have your picture taken with me. I had my picture taken with him last week and again this week. Hope his wife doesn’t care, well, he said she doesn’t. Oh, that was last week he said that. All I can say is that I had a fabulous time, good food, working up a sweat on the dance floor and laughing more than I have in years. Life is good! Thank you Jeanie! DR 10/14/12

Stepping Stones to the New Me

There have been several things that just kept knawing at me to change—my hair and my weight. I’ve always known that if you can fix something, then just do it. I really got tired of people saying that I looked like Paula Deen, but the main reason I hated my hair was everytime I looked in the mirror I just felt old. When I first got up in the morning and went to the bathroom mirror I would be in shock, oh no! I look just like my mother! Now don’t get me wrong, I thought my mother was a very attractive person, but I was not ready to be that person. The other thing that I couldn’t stand about myself was my weight. Yes, I gained weight when everyone around me was dying. What do you do when you’re in the house 24/7? I’ll tell you, you eat. I really couldn’t exercise. And then after my husband died, I sat on the deck in the swing and just sat there. I don’t regret the grieving that I did, I just didn’t think I would ever be that way. But, I could sit for days. I felt like I was in some kind of time warp. Then, what happened? I really don’t know. It was sort of like I woke up out of a deep sleep and realized that I’m still alive and I want to do everything I can to live my life to the fullest. So, I began the “stepping stones to the new me.” No, I don’t want to regress, I want to look to the future and see what is new out there for me. Well, I’ve started the changes on me and I like my hair and it has made me feel so much younger. It’s amazing what little things can do for your outlook on life. I’m working on the weight. Oh it’s not easy, but I’m determined. I walk with friends now and it’s so much fun to laugh and at the same time know that you’re doing something to improve yourself. I don’t know what lies ahead for me, but for now, I’m taking stepping stones to the new me. DR 10/11/12

Tell Me Your Favorite Thing About Vacation

That’s what Kristin asked in the car coming home from Pigeon Forge, TN today. I have to admit that at first I had nothing to contribute. I thought I really decided that I did not like Dollywood after all. I just don’t like theme parks. All you do is walk, stand in line for an hour for a ride that gets you soaking wet, and then you walk and walk and dodge people, strollers, and the new thing to dodge are all the people in their power chairs. I tell you, those people are dangerous! If you’re not quick, they will run over you in a heartbeat. But getting back to my favorite thing about vacation….. Kristin said she just had so much fun being with all of us and she really bonded with her cousin, Jonathan. He rode all of the rides with her and they got along so good. We spent a lot of time in our family suite. Debbie and Ginger got the king sized bed and in the other room I had the pull out sofa bed, which was a lot like a water bed. Once I got in the bed, I had trouble getting back out. Jonathan and Kristin had the bunk beds and at night I could see the glow of their Iphones on the ceiling. I could hear Kristin giggling and then they would tell each other to shut up. It was fun. Kristin would get in the closet to change clothes and I would go in the other room. Jonathan usually would change in the bathroom. We really had no trouble with our privacy issues. Coming home in the car was fun. I was in the backseat with Kristin and Jonathan and we all went to sleep. We argued, laughed, and just had fun. My favorite thing about vacation? Being with my grandson and cousins and feeling a closeness that is indescribable. DR 8/9/12

March 2012

It has been two years since Charles and my mother died. I thought I had everything under control and I find that I still slip into my state of just wanting to be by myself and not being around anyone. This year, though, I’ve tried to keep busy—but to no avail. So, I’ve been thinking of all of the good times I had with my mother and Charles.

I miss Charles going to the pool hall, because on those nights I would go get my mother and we would go to Hamricks. In the past, gasoline was a lot cheaper in Georgia, so that was my excuse. One month Charles looked at the credit card bill and said, Hamricks, Hamricks, Hamricks, Hamricks. Is there a reason why you go to Hamricks every week? I answered that I go get gas. He looked puzzled. I then said, if you stop shooting pool, then I will stop going to Hamricks. Hamricks is on my way to get gas. Hamricks was never mentioned again. You may be thinking, what is Hamricks? It’s a clothing store and I believe my mother and I had everything in the store memorized. The first time I went to Hamricks after she died, I found myself looking for her. I miss being able to pick up the telephone and calling her and telling her about my day and asking about hers. But, I missed her a long time before she died. With Alzheimer’s they slowly drift away…..

I miss Charles a lot when I’m paying bills. We always did that chore together. We did everything on line and now I do the whole process by myself. I miss Charles when I’m working in the yard. He used the riding lawnmower and I did the trim. Now I do it all. I miss Charles when I want to tell him crazy stuff. He understood me and didn’t judge me for all of my silliness. I miss the silly songs that Charles used to make up and sing to me. I miss the poems Charles used to write to me. No one really knew the soft, romantic side of him. I miss his hugs, because he hugged me all of the time. I miss the dry humor Charles had. I just miss him!

Today, as I looked outside and saw all the trees budding out and the dogwoods in bloom, I realized that this is my third summer without the two of them, and my first summer without my dad. I know I have my daughter and family, but it’s not the same. No one really knows and understands until they have lost their parents and their spouse. It gets a little easier, but the loneliness is still here. My hope is that I will see them again. My strength and courage has come from God who is with me everyday, hears my prayers, and sees my tears.

DR
3/25/12

Valentine's Day - 2012

I know people say the big occasions when you miss someone are Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, or the day when someone died. This year I am especially missing you, Charles, on Valentine’s Day. To the world you didn’t seem like a very sentimental person but I knew the sentimental, romantic you. I looked forward to my poems that you wrote to me. I knew that you had to spend time in writing them. I miss your hugs, your phone calls to just tell me that you loved me, your waiting for me when I would come home from a difficult day, your off the wall comments that would always make me laugh, and just so many other things that you did that made up the person I will always love.

Well, it has been almost two years and it still seems like yesterday. Sometimes I can still hear your voice and sense your presence in the house. I have kidded that we “meet” at Hobby Lobby because they have played your favorite song, “Lord of the Dance”, when I’m there. When it comes on, I just stop dead in my tracks.

You told me before you died that you wanted me to have fun. You even bought me a “fun” car with everything I wanted on it. It took me a while, but I am having fun. Thank you for teaching me how to take care of myself, and how to be independent.

Tomorrow, I will remember all of the wonderful Valentine Days that we had together and just be thankful for those times. I had a once in a lifetime love—thank you!

DR
2/13/12

Hope for the Future

Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, Plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I have depended on that verse for a long time, and now I’m really beginning to understand it. As I sat up and watched the “ball” drop in Times Square, I thought that 2012 is giving me a new start, a new beginning, and hope for the future.

I miss my husband, mother, and daddy, but I know that they are way happier now and that gives me peace. I have sat up at night worrying so much. For my dad who was left for a year and 9 months without my mother, I saw him so lonely. I know that feeling because I have it a lot. You can be with friends and even with my daughter and feel so alone. No one really knows this feeling until they have experienced it first hand. I have friends who have lost their husbands and I never really knew what they were going through. Yes, you see my “happy” face, but what you don’t see are my tears when I’m driving home to an empty house. I can sit here at my computer and see my husband everywhere—the clocks he made me, his chair and his computer right beside me and sometimes I can even feel his presence. If you’ve lost his spouse, you know what I’m talking about. But, we do have hope for the future. We are still here and our work here on earth is not done.

I hope I can help someone else who is experiencing what I have gone through for the past few years. I hope I can make their life easier. There are so many emotions that you go through and so much guilt that is associated with it. I can only say that I know that I did the best that I could. It’s similar to being a parent and you look back at all of the mistakes you made in raising your children. We didn’t get a handbook for this—we just do the best we know how and trust God that it worked.

DR
1/2/12