The Unknown

When my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer and had to have surgery, she was so calm. My dad and I were a nervous wreck. I asked my mother how she could be so calm. Her reply to me was, “I know what I’m facing, it’s the unknown that would scare me.” I have thought so many times about that answer. I thought about it when Charles got sick and the doctors couldn’t find out what was wrong. I knew exactly what she meant. The unknown is a scary thing. You think of all kinds of things—mostly bad. I thought then that Charles would die before they found out what was wrong. Of course, he didn’t right then and he actually had several things wrong with him before he died. I was able to face the things that I knew were happening, but the “unknown” was another story. Now today I am faced with an “unknown.” Well, actually it’s a good “unknown.” As it gets closer to my “out of the country” trip, I am scared, excited, and some more adjectives that I can’t think of right now. How could so many emotions be going on inside of me? I know last year when I flew to California, I was practically hysterical before I left. I couldn’t sleep and I walked the floor. Christi said she had never seen me like that. I guess I had gone to great links to never let her see the vulnerable part of me. It actually brought us a lot closer. She came and helped me pack and took me to the airport. I found out what was really bothering me after I got to the airport—security. After I got through security, I was fine. When I boarded the plane I realized how much I loved to fly. There is something about takeoff that puts me on a “high”—no pun intended. I remember that same feeling the first time I ever flew. Back then your friends or relatives could go to the gate with you. I had just boarded the plane and I remember seeing Charles watching with the look of fear on his face. It wasn’t that he was afraid for me to fly, it was the look of what have I made her do. He always encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and do things that I had never done before. I called him as soon as we landed and I told him how I loved it and he was so relieved. Oh, how I miss that man! He was my biggest supporter! Oh well, he is the one who taught me how I could make it without him. Well, Charles you would be proud of some of things I have accomplished and I’m sure you would be proud of me for my next trip. Well, so much for airing my fears and excitement. I’m sure I’ll be ok and love every minute. It’s just my pre jitters of the “unknown.” DR 5/30/13