My Emotional Rollercoaster

I never thought that cleaning out my house would become so emotional for me. After all it has been over four years, and yet, it seems like only yesterday. I talked with Leon’s wife last night and she said she misses Leon more now than ever. I told her I miss him too. My emotions start as soon as I turn onto Suck Creek Road. Leon retired from the cement plant and his last job was driving a truck. I look over to my left and I can still see him, and I would always wave. Then when I stop at my mailbox, it’s so lonely now that my aunt is not there, and I look up the hill and I know that my cousins have all moved away. I have always come home and gone straight to my room. It has been my place of comfort. In there, nobody sees me when I cry—only Chloe. She is very sensitive to my crying. I’ve done good until now. Now, I’m getting into all of the things that I have so tried to avoid. I’ve had offers of help, but I really want to be alone with this new emotional rollercoaster I seemed to have gotten on. I know that I will be able to come out stronger. Everyone handles their grief differently, and I certainly never thought that I would be this way. I recorded some old Matlock programs and when the first one came on, I started thinking back to how I would hurry home so I could watch the current ones with my dad. He loved Matlock. I stayed in a little house behind theirs while Charles was in Kentucky during the week. I worked in Cleveland. My dad would turn on his police scanner as soon as he thought I was leaving work. I had to work until 7 p.m. and Matlock came on at 8. One night there was a lady in a gray sports car turned upside down at Hamilton Place. My dad was walking the floor. He just knew it was me. I drove a gray RX-7 Mazda. He was so relieved when I came through the door. Yes, I miss him. I miss my mother. I miss that I could pick up the phone and tell her something silly and we would both laugh. I played the song, Just One More Day, and if only I could have just one more day. I took so many things for granted. If you live long enough, you’ll see those closest to you die. Don’t take anything or anyone for granted. Treasure the moments you have with your family and your friends. Guess I’ll be on this emotional rollercoaster until I get out of here. I love it here. I have so many memories, but I need to move on and make new ones. DR 7/2/14

Emotional Rollercoaster

I never thought that cleaning out my house would become so emotional for me. After all it has been over four years, and yet, it seems like only yesterday. I talked with Leon’s wife last night and she said she misses Leon more now than ever. I told her I miss him too. My emotions start as soon as I turn onto Suck Creek Road. Leon retired from the cement plant and his last job was driving a truck. I look over to my left and I can still see him, and I would always wave. Then when I stop at my mailbox, it’s so lonely now that my aunt is not there, and I look up the hill and I know that my cousins have all moved away. I have always come home and gone straight to my room. It has been my place of comfort. In there, nobody sees me when I cry—only Chloe. She is very sensitive to my crying. I’ve done good until now. Now, I’m getting into all of the things that I have so tried to avoid. I’ve had offers of help, but I really want to be alone with this new emotional rollercoaster I seemed to have gotten on. I know that I will be able to come out stronger. Everyone handles their grief differently, and I certainly never thought that I would be this way. I recorded some old Matlock programs and when the first one came on, I started thinking back to how I would hurry home so I could watch the current ones with my dad. He loved Matlock. I stayed in a little house behind theirs while Charles was in Kentucky during the week. I worked in Cleveland. My dad would turn on his police scanner as soon as he thought I was leaving work. I had to work until 7 p.m. and Matlock came on at 8. One night there was a lady in a gray sports car turned upside down at Hamilton Place. My dad was walking the floor. He just knew it was me. I drove a gray RX-7 Mazda. He was so relieved when I came through the door. Yes, I miss him. I miss my mother. I miss that I could pick up the phone and tell her something silly and we would both laugh. I played the song, Just One More Day, and if only I could have just one more day. I took so many things for granted. If you live long enough, you’ll see those closest to you die. Don’t take anything or anyone for granted. Treasure the moments you have with your family and your friends. Guess I’ll be on this emotional rollercoaster until I get out of here. I love it here. I have so many memories, but I need to move on and make new ones. DR 7/2/14

Moving On

Today Charles’ tools and equipment started being moved out. I thought I could handle it, because it has been over four years since he died. For the first two years, I couldn’t even enter either of his two workshops. He spent so much time in both of them. Even now I can see him walking from one workshop to the other one. He finished his last clock for me in January before he died in March. I don’t know how he did it. I asked him why was he working so hard on another clock, and his response to me was, “I don’t want you to ever forget me.” How could I ever forget him. This is the man that before we got married, I told him there are two things I didn’t want in her marriage vows. He asked me what? I told him I would never be submissive and I would never obey. He looked at me and said, “I want you to learn to be independent and do things on your own.” Not only did he give me my freedom, but he did teach me how to be independent. Plus, it was easy to be submissive and obey, because we both took our marriage as 50/50. Toward the end of his last days, it felt like Christmas almost everyday. As long as he could order online, the Fed Ex and UPS trucks kept our driveway hot. He tried to get me everything that I had ever mentioned. The one thing that I did not want was the convertible. My Honda Accord was almost new. I didn’t want another car. But he insisted. He wanted me to have a “fun car.” I can tell you it wasn’t fun for me until two years after he died. I heard the song, “Man I feel Like a Woman” by Shania Twain and it made me feel happy. I had not had that feeling in a long, long time. I got my cousin next door and we made many trips with the top down, and each time we came home, I would say, “Thank you Charles for my fun car.” I know he must be smiling and saying, “Finally she’s getting her act together and getting out of that house.” He so wanted me to sell this house that we built together. Well, all I can say is that it is still emotionally hard for me to still say goodbye. Today I felt like part of my life was going down that driveway. But I have started moving on. DR 6/18/14

Jonathan

Last night my youngest grandson graduated from high school. Boy, how the years fly by. I was sitting beside his girlfriend, whom I really like. The memories came flooding back. Seems like just yesterday when he was born. We had one of the biggest snows that week. He was so little and cute. Now, he’s all grown up and has been accepted into the Marines. I asked his girlfriend how she felt about him leaving, and she said, “I’m proud of him, whatever he does.” I think he’s found the right one. The next graduation will be from basic training. Jonathan seems to know what he wants in life. He’s always so serious. Sometimes I can get him to loosen up, especially when I take him for a ride with the top down in my car. I couldn’t help but think last night, it has just been a few months since my 50th high school reunion. I wonder what will happen in Jonathan’s life the next 50 years. I hope he makes good choices. I made some good ones and some really bad ones. The thing is, how you end up. Those bad choices can actually make you a better, stronger person. I wish Jonathan all the success in life he deserves. I hope to live to see some of it. DR 5/23/14

Mother's Day - 2014

Today I have mixed feelings about Mother’s Day. I thought my mother would always be here. I guess we all feel that way until the day comes that they leave us. My mother was a good woman and I have many memories. I am an only child and my mother was very protective of me. Should I say “over protective”? I really don’t remember this very well but my mother told me that we were in Miller Brothers downtown and she was looking at the ladies dresses. I must have been about 4. She said I hid in between some dresses hanging on a rack and when she came over, I threw the dresses back and yelled “Mammy.” Needless to say, we had a long talk about what I should call her. I never called her that again. I remember the first day of school when I went to first grade. Most of the kids were crying and clinging to their mothers. My mother said I looked up at her and said, “Don’t you have some place you need to go?” My mother told me whatever I did I had better not get on the merry-go-round on the playground at school. Well, you guessed it, I did. Not only did I get on, but I was dragged around. I was skinned, bleeding, and bruised all over. Back then they didn’t take you to the emergency room, you just washed off the blood. My mother worked at night so when I got home from school I told my daddy and I told him she would kill me. He was always my protector from her. I heard her that night when she came home. My daddy told her what had happened and of course she wanted to punish me. He told her I had been punished enough. He said I don’t think she’ll go anywhere near that merry-go-round again. Escaped again! You guessed it, my mother was the discipline person. I really can’t remember my dad ever laying a hand on me. My mother and I had a love/hate relationship for a long time, but at some point we became really good friends. I could get upset with something and call her and we would talk about it until I got it out of my system. I miss that. So many times I’ve wanted to call her and just hear her voice again. Well, this is life as we know it here. I’m happy that I’ll see her again and there will be no more tears in Heaven. DR 5/11/14

Another One?

Tomorrow I celebrate another birthday. I feel torn between I’m glad I’m alive and oh I’m getting so old! I have a couple of birthdays that I remember very vividly. The only birthday I had trouble with was when I turned 25. I was so upset that my mother told me she would never wish me happy birthday again. Now, that’s getting pretty bad! I don’t know why the hangup on that age, only that I thought I would never have any children. But thankfully after my 26th birthday, Christi was born. She was born on Friday before Mother’s Day and it was the best Mother’s Day ever. The next birthday I remember was when I turned 50. I was born 45 minutes after President Franklin Roosevelt died, so I just knew there had to be something special at The Little White House in Warm Springs, Georgia. Charles and I packed us a lunch and we headed there. It was a good thing I packed us food, because once the word that President Bill Clinton was going to be there, no one could leave. It was so exciting that there were thousands of people were there. I got frisked and the contents of my purse was emptied. I set off the alarms because I had on too much metal. Ex President Jimmy Carter was there and of course tons of Democrats. My 50th birthday was really special to me. That also reminds me of the time Charles’ mother first met me. Charles was 14 years older than me and she was curious about my age. She didn’t know the age difference, but she knew there was one. I told her I was born 45 minutes after President Roosevelt died. She looked at me, and then said, “Teddy”? I said, “No, Franklin.” Boy, that would have made me really old. We’ve always made a big deal out of our birthdays. I look back and I can’t believe I’ve made it to this age. No, I’m not telling. You’ll have to figure it out. It’s in all the history books. I still feel like I’m still young and I can remember my teenage days like it was yesterday. I am reminded of something Charles said and it applies to me also. He was on a Pool League with a bunch of really young guys one time. Charles said he felt just like one of them until he passed by a mirror. Yeah, the mirror tells it all. Birthdays—I am thankful for each one of them. DR 4/11/14

Really???

Today would have been my mother and dad’s 71st anniversary. I would like to picture them having that celebration in heaven, but we don’t really know how we will be after this life. But, it’s a pleasant thought for me. I started thinking back to something that happened many years ago. We had moved and I told our new neighbor that my parents were married on April 5th and I was born one week later. The neighbor told my mother what I had said, now remember I was just a little kid, and my mother nearly died. She said what Diane failed to tell you is that it was 2 years and one week later. My dad always told me that the day I was born he had two major disappointments. Both happened at the hospital. The first was that the doctor came out and told my dad that our president was dead. Yes, I was born 45 minutes after President Franklin Roosevelt died. The second disappointment was that the doctor came out and told my dad he had a girl. I guess every dad wants a son, but what my dad didn’t know at the time was how attached we would be. I was a daddy’s girl. My dad always took up for me no matter what I did. I don’t ever remember him ever spanking me or ever saying a critical word to me. My mother was the one to be feared. It’s a lonely life to be an only child, but my mother always told me that someday I would thank her for not giving me brothers and sisters. I think she said that because she was the oldest of twelve. I did grow up with aunts and uncles closer to my age, and I’m still close to one aunt who is the same age as me. She is as close to sister as I will ever know. I lived by a cousin a year younger than me, and he felt more like a brother than I’ll ever know, and now he’s gone. I like to picture him entering Heaven and my husband and my mother and dad saying, “Welcome home.” Someday we will all be together, but in the meantime, I want to spend as much time with the people I love and do all the things that I can cram in before I can’t. Tell somebody today how much you care about them—they might not be here tomorrow. DR 4/5/14