Charles died 14 months ago today. I thought I could never face another day without him. Well, here I am and I am happy. Yes, I still think about him and I still miss him. But during the past 14 months, I have learned a lot of things about myself. I like my life. We make choices everyday—what to wear, what to eat, who to see, etc. The choices I’ve had to make are: living alone and liking it or disliking it—I have chosen to like it. I have chosen to be happy and find new things to do. It seems that I have entered into a fourth life.
My first life was lived as Diane German with my parents. I was so quiet and withdrawn. Friends I have now do not believe that, but when I was young I never talked. That’s the way life was when I was growing up.
My second life was lived as Diane Gasaway. I was married for 18 years and we had a daughter, Christi. Actually, that was a bad choice I made. Getting married at 18 was just too young. But, that was the choice I made and I’m glad that I have my daughter, Christi, as a result of that.
My third life was and still is being lived as Diane Rizzo. I married Charles for all of the right reasons. We were madly in love and until the day Charles died, he always said we were still on our honeymoon. I really miss him. He taught me a lot of things. I told him before we married that I would never be submissive. He told me he wanted me to be independent and learn to do things on my own. I have to admit that I truly was submissive but it was easy. The man spoiled me and treated me like a queen. Now, everyday was not perfect—we had our ups and downs—we were human. But, I have to admit that I usually got my way. I love clocks and he made me a lot of them.
Now, I’m in my fourth life. I’m still Diane Rizzo, but who am I really? What lies ahead for me now? I don’t know, but I do know that I am still making choices of what I want to do. The last year of Charles’ life, I realized that “things” are not what makes me happy. We enjoyed his last months together. He wanted to go to bed and hold hands and talk. Now, I have the company of my little Yorkie. She doesn’t talk but she sure acts like she wants to. I enjoy little things. I enjoy my family more. I’m listening more.
Choices make up our entire life. What would I have done differently? Probably nothing. Right now, I love my life, and I want to live everyday to the fullest. I do have some things on my “bucket” list. I’ll have to write about those—but another time.
Take the time to grieve—it’s part of life.
DR
5/22/11
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Happy Birthday Christi
Forty years ago I was doubly happy—God gave me exactly what I had prayed for—a brown haired, blue-eyed baby girl. Of course, I didn’t know exactly what color your eyes were yet but I did know you had a full head of hair and it was dark! You were so beautiful! You were also born on the Friday before Mother’s Day. I was finally a mother and I was so happy.
You have made me happy for 40 years and blessed me with two wonderful grandsons. You’ve done a good job with those boys and I’m proud of them and you.
As you grow older, I want you to never stop believing in yourself and also that God is still in the Miracle Business. I have seen you grow in your walk with God and I so admire your dedication. I love seeing your creativity in everything that you—decorating, weddings,--just everything that you touch. Yes, you can do anything that you set out to do. You’ve even drawn me into part of that with my baking. I have so enjoyed baking wedding cakes, anniversary cakes, and especially sharing my baking knowledge with Jonathan. It has even become a “family” affair when you do these things and it has been fun when even your dad and my wife-in-law join in.
I wish I could be around to see you when your grandchildren and great grandchildren see what a great person God has molded you into. I knew when I prayed that God would give me my baby girl that He had a plan for you. I just didn’t know how much.
I want you to know that I love you and I always will. God answers prayer and sometimes we have to wait for his answer and sometimes He answers pretty quickly. But, remember to always pray in detail. You don’t want to pray for just a car—ask for the specifics, like a van that seats 8, plenty of room to carry all of our equipment, dependable, good on gas. Because if you just ask for a car, you might end up with a two-seater sports car and you know that would never work.
Happy Birthday and Happy Mother’s Day
Mom
DR
5/6/11
You have made me happy for 40 years and blessed me with two wonderful grandsons. You’ve done a good job with those boys and I’m proud of them and you.
As you grow older, I want you to never stop believing in yourself and also that God is still in the Miracle Business. I have seen you grow in your walk with God and I so admire your dedication. I love seeing your creativity in everything that you—decorating, weddings,--just everything that you touch. Yes, you can do anything that you set out to do. You’ve even drawn me into part of that with my baking. I have so enjoyed baking wedding cakes, anniversary cakes, and especially sharing my baking knowledge with Jonathan. It has even become a “family” affair when you do these things and it has been fun when even your dad and my wife-in-law join in.
I wish I could be around to see you when your grandchildren and great grandchildren see what a great person God has molded you into. I knew when I prayed that God would give me my baby girl that He had a plan for you. I just didn’t know how much.
I want you to know that I love you and I always will. God answers prayer and sometimes we have to wait for his answer and sometimes He answers pretty quickly. But, remember to always pray in detail. You don’t want to pray for just a car—ask for the specifics, like a van that seats 8, plenty of room to carry all of our equipment, dependable, good on gas. Because if you just ask for a car, you might end up with a two-seater sports car and you know that would never work.
Happy Birthday and Happy Mother’s Day
Mom
DR
5/6/11
Monday, April 25, 2011
Ladies Spring Soiree
I’m getting excited about dressing up. I know that sounds crazy, but when I first heard about the “Ladies Spring Soiree”, I said what the heck is that? Well, we’re having a luncheon based on dressing in your Derby Best Attire. The more I thought about it, the more excited I have become. My thoughts especially went back to the movie “Pretty Woman” and how beautiful Julia Roberts was when she dressed up to go to the races. Christi and I went shopping for hats and I do believe that we will look our best. In my teenage years, I used to wear a hat all of the time and I even found a picture of me with a large hat on. I loved hats. I have even decided to buy a dress! Yes, this body has not had on a dress in many years. It’s a little scary when I think about it, but I also get excited about playing dress up.
Some of the women have asked do they have to dress up. Oh come on, let’s dress up and have fun! You can wear jeans any ole day. Let’s look prim and proper for a change. You know, we may just start a new trend!
DR
4-22-11
Some of the women have asked do they have to dress up. Oh come on, let’s dress up and have fun! You can wear jeans any ole day. Let’s look prim and proper for a change. You know, we may just start a new trend!
DR
4-22-11
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Another Birthday
Well, I’ve made it to another birthday without you, Charles. I never thought that I could make it one day without you and now it has been over a year. Looking back, I’m glad that you taught me so many things and I’m so thankful for all of the talks we had. We had a lot of health scares in the last 14 years of your life and each time we would get out all of the papers to make sure that I would be ok after you were gone. We even joked about your new “apartment” up on the mantle. Now, I look at the mantle and you are there in your new “apartment.” Well, you’re really not right there, I know you must be dancing all over heaven and having the time of your life.
I have so many things to be thankful for. Since last year, I finally got on that new weight plan you wanted me to do—not so much to look better but so that I would be healthier and live longer. Losing weight has helped me get off one of my blood pressure pills and hopefully next year I’ll be off of them completely. I have learned that I actually love my new life, although I miss you terribly. I never know when something will happen that will make me cry uncontrollably, but at least I am here and only Chloe sees me. I do believe that dog really wants to talk to me and just can’t.
I love spending time with Christi and I have found new joy in spending time with my grandsons. I have loved baking and cooking with Jonathan and I do hope that he does become a wonderful Chef. I never knew that two boys growing up in the same household could be so different, but I am thankful for Christopher’s outgoing personality and I know that whatever part of the ministry he goes into, he will do well. I admire my son-in-law, Scott, for the part he takes in taking his mother to work and now to her chemo treatments. I know how hard that can be.
Life is full of challenges and I’m so glad that Charles taught me that I’m not always being punished when something “bad” happens. The word “challenge” seems so much better than “problem”. I always loved that when a new challenge came up, we talked about if we could solve it or is this a challenge we need to just deal with or cope with. The biggest challenge for us was when your cancer came back. Yes, it was hard to watch someone die and there was nothing anyone could do—but this is life. From the moment we are born, we know that someday we will die. Everyone gets their turn. I saw first hand how God can give “dying grace” and you were so happy until the day you died. I just couldn’t understand why or how you could be so happy when it was the end of the world for me. I know that my life is not finished here yet, and I’m still searching to know what I’m supposed to do. I do know that God has given me peace.
Well, another birthday—what lies in the year to come? I’m excited to find out.
DR
4/12/11
I have so many things to be thankful for. Since last year, I finally got on that new weight plan you wanted me to do—not so much to look better but so that I would be healthier and live longer. Losing weight has helped me get off one of my blood pressure pills and hopefully next year I’ll be off of them completely. I have learned that I actually love my new life, although I miss you terribly. I never know when something will happen that will make me cry uncontrollably, but at least I am here and only Chloe sees me. I do believe that dog really wants to talk to me and just can’t.
I love spending time with Christi and I have found new joy in spending time with my grandsons. I have loved baking and cooking with Jonathan and I do hope that he does become a wonderful Chef. I never knew that two boys growing up in the same household could be so different, but I am thankful for Christopher’s outgoing personality and I know that whatever part of the ministry he goes into, he will do well. I admire my son-in-law, Scott, for the part he takes in taking his mother to work and now to her chemo treatments. I know how hard that can be.
Life is full of challenges and I’m so glad that Charles taught me that I’m not always being punished when something “bad” happens. The word “challenge” seems so much better than “problem”. I always loved that when a new challenge came up, we talked about if we could solve it or is this a challenge we need to just deal with or cope with. The biggest challenge for us was when your cancer came back. Yes, it was hard to watch someone die and there was nothing anyone could do—but this is life. From the moment we are born, we know that someday we will die. Everyone gets their turn. I saw first hand how God can give “dying grace” and you were so happy until the day you died. I just couldn’t understand why or how you could be so happy when it was the end of the world for me. I know that my life is not finished here yet, and I’m still searching to know what I’m supposed to do. I do know that God has given me peace.
Well, another birthday—what lies in the year to come? I’m excited to find out.
DR
4/12/11
Monday, April 11, 2011
Vacation - 2011
This is the first vacation I’ve had in a long, long time. It was amazingly good! We, Christi, Scott, and Jonathan, drove to Orlando and had a very nice drive. The first 2 days we spent at a motel that was really nice—but we couldn’t get the shower to work, the cable was out, the wi-fi was out, a light was out, and we couldn’t get anyone to answer the phone to complain. The next day we did and they fixed the shower but they had had a lightening strike and the wi fi was still down. All in all, we had a good time there. We then drove to the house Christi had found on line, and it was as good as the ad—maybe even better. I had gotten on line and found the tax records so I knew that it was a nice house in a nice neighborhood. On Tuesday we drove to the airport and picked up Christopher and his girlfriend, Megan. I was a little skeptical at how this would turn out, but I do believe that Megan is a good influence for our Christopher. They are both Freshmen at Lee College.
The next day we went to Disneyland and I do believe that Hell has moved to Orlando. It was hot and we could barely move because it was so crowded and it seemed that everyone had gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. I decided that would be my first and last visit to the Magic Kingdom. I have to admit that even though I’m not a fan of parades, the electric parade that night was absolutely beautiful.
The next day I could barely get out bed. I could not fathom the thought of another theme park and the droves of people there. But, we all climbed into the van again and off we went to Universal studios. I was pleasantly surprised that the crowd had thinned and we could actually see the ground underneath our feet. I began to think that the Florida trip had taken a turn for the better.
The next day we went back for the Islands of Adventure and I guess everyone had rested up, because THEY were back! It was hotter and the crowd was thicker. The difference was that they weren’t as rude as day 1. The best part of the day were the two water rides for me. Normally, I don’t want to walk around like I just stepped out of a swimming pool with all of my clothes on, but it was hot and I didn’t care. None of cared! We even thought about doing it again, but we decided to eat again and go home.
On Saturday we took a day of rest and stayed at the house. We had a wonderful swimming pool and Scott grilled chicken and we had our dinner sitting around the pool. What a great time!
We told Megan if she survived a week with all of us, then she would be a keeper! Oh, I forgot to talk about Chloe (my little Yorkie). She did great! And, Jonathan really stayed close to me and helped me with Chloe. All in all, our trip was great and I believe we all got a little closer to each other. Families need each other and we need to tell each other how much we care.
The next day we went to Disneyland and I do believe that Hell has moved to Orlando. It was hot and we could barely move because it was so crowded and it seemed that everyone had gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. I decided that would be my first and last visit to the Magic Kingdom. I have to admit that even though I’m not a fan of parades, the electric parade that night was absolutely beautiful.
The next day I could barely get out bed. I could not fathom the thought of another theme park and the droves of people there. But, we all climbed into the van again and off we went to Universal studios. I was pleasantly surprised that the crowd had thinned and we could actually see the ground underneath our feet. I began to think that the Florida trip had taken a turn for the better.
The next day we went back for the Islands of Adventure and I guess everyone had rested up, because THEY were back! It was hotter and the crowd was thicker. The difference was that they weren’t as rude as day 1. The best part of the day were the two water rides for me. Normally, I don’t want to walk around like I just stepped out of a swimming pool with all of my clothes on, but it was hot and I didn’t care. None of cared! We even thought about doing it again, but we decided to eat again and go home.
On Saturday we took a day of rest and stayed at the house. We had a wonderful swimming pool and Scott grilled chicken and we had our dinner sitting around the pool. What a great time!
We told Megan if she survived a week with all of us, then she would be a keeper! Oh, I forgot to talk about Chloe (my little Yorkie). She did great! And, Jonathan really stayed close to me and helped me with Chloe. All in all, our trip was great and I believe we all got a little closer to each other. Families need each other and we need to tell each other how much we care.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Yes, I Can!
Before Charles and I got married, I told him that there was something in the wedding vows I would not commit to. He asked what that could be and I told him, submission. I would never be submissive again. He told me that he wanted me to learn to be independent and think on my own. Wow!
I can also remember right after Charles and I got married, I asked him to go to Loveman’s with me at lunchtime. We stopped in front of a cosmetics counter and I explained to him that I really loved this particular lotion and cologne. I explained that the lotion was a little high. He stood there a few moments and said, I don’t know why you’re showing me this. It appears to me that instead of buying the small lotion, it would be better if you bought the large size—it will last longer and is cheaper by the ounce. Anyway, this is not a luxury, this is a necessity and you don’t have to ask my permission. I thought then and there, this man is definitely a KEEPER!
Yesterday turned out to be a difficult day for me. I didn’t think that it would—but I was wrong. I finally decided to clean myself up and get out of the house. I went over to Christi’s and we (including Scott) went to Costco and shopped around and then we went to eat. While we were there, a couple that Scott and Christi know, came in. We talked to them awhile after we all finished eating. It was refreshing to hear about their trips to Belize to help people who are less fortunate than us. He told me how he had taken several wringer type washing machines there and how thankful they were to get them. He told me how the pastor there had gotten so creative that he created a shower out of a refrigerator. How can I feel so sorry for myself when I have so many luxuries of life?
The night Charles died, I wondered how I could ever live one day without him. This was the first time in my life I had ever been faced with living alone. Well, I’ve made it a year. I have found that I am independent and yes, I can make it. I actually love my life. I come and go when I choose. I choose who I want to spend my time with. I enjoy everything that I do now.
Thank you Charles for teaching me how to take care of myself. I miss you terribly, but thank you. I know you’re in heaven watching and waiting.
DR
3/22/11
I can also remember right after Charles and I got married, I asked him to go to Loveman’s with me at lunchtime. We stopped in front of a cosmetics counter and I explained to him that I really loved this particular lotion and cologne. I explained that the lotion was a little high. He stood there a few moments and said, I don’t know why you’re showing me this. It appears to me that instead of buying the small lotion, it would be better if you bought the large size—it will last longer and is cheaper by the ounce. Anyway, this is not a luxury, this is a necessity and you don’t have to ask my permission. I thought then and there, this man is definitely a KEEPER!
Yesterday turned out to be a difficult day for me. I didn’t think that it would—but I was wrong. I finally decided to clean myself up and get out of the house. I went over to Christi’s and we (including Scott) went to Costco and shopped around and then we went to eat. While we were there, a couple that Scott and Christi know, came in. We talked to them awhile after we all finished eating. It was refreshing to hear about their trips to Belize to help people who are less fortunate than us. He told me how he had taken several wringer type washing machines there and how thankful they were to get them. He told me how the pastor there had gotten so creative that he created a shower out of a refrigerator. How can I feel so sorry for myself when I have so many luxuries of life?
The night Charles died, I wondered how I could ever live one day without him. This was the first time in my life I had ever been faced with living alone. Well, I’ve made it a year. I have found that I am independent and yes, I can make it. I actually love my life. I come and go when I choose. I choose who I want to spend my time with. I enjoy everything that I do now.
Thank you Charles for teaching me how to take care of myself. I miss you terribly, but thank you. I know you’re in heaven watching and waiting.
DR
3/22/11
Monday, March 21, 2011
Please March 2011 Go Away
When March of this year started, it seemed as though I was on some sort of countdown. This time last year was the last night I would ever have my Charles. What would I have done differently? None of us ever know when it is our time to die. I could die tomorrow or I could even die tonight. We just don’t know. But, I keep thinking about what I did last year—how could I have done things differently. Oh, if I could have known and sat by Charles’ bed all night and never left his side. But, we don’t know and we can’t beat ourselves up for something we didn’t do or something we didn’t say.
I never knew that I would feel the way I have felt since Charles died. Yes, Charles left me in good shape financially and tried to have everything fixed for me that needed repairs in the house. It’s just not the same when you are alone. What good is a “fun” car when your “fun” person is not here to hear you talk about it.
I could tell Charles anything and everything. When we first started going together, we could talk for hours and hours. He was so smart. Now, I have a little Yorkie who listens to me and turns her little head this way and that, but she doesn’t have anything to say in return. Thank goodness I have her though, because now I look forward to coming home because she’s so happy to see me.
Please March 2011 go away so I can think about other things instead of how lonely I am and how much I miss the love of my life. I am just thankful that Charles is at peace now and in a much better place. I just need to get my life together because I’m still here and I’m sure that I am supposed to do more with my life before it’s my time to go. I loved you Charles and I still do.
DR
3/21/11
I never knew that I would feel the way I have felt since Charles died. Yes, Charles left me in good shape financially and tried to have everything fixed for me that needed repairs in the house. It’s just not the same when you are alone. What good is a “fun” car when your “fun” person is not here to hear you talk about it.
I could tell Charles anything and everything. When we first started going together, we could talk for hours and hours. He was so smart. Now, I have a little Yorkie who listens to me and turns her little head this way and that, but she doesn’t have anything to say in return. Thank goodness I have her though, because now I look forward to coming home because she’s so happy to see me.
Please March 2011 go away so I can think about other things instead of how lonely I am and how much I miss the love of my life. I am just thankful that Charles is at peace now and in a much better place. I just need to get my life together because I’m still here and I’m sure that I am supposed to do more with my life before it’s my time to go. I loved you Charles and I still do.
DR
3/21/11
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