Waffle Waffle

I’ve had this one on my mind for a while so I might as well get it out. I know I must have some of the worst dating experiences. Yes, I’ve been on some of the dating sites. They are not the glamorous sites as they make them out to be. I don’t know where they get those gorgeous hunks, but that has not been my experience. I do show up and meet them, not that there have been that many, but this is the worst one. This guy said that he is a college professor and lived in another city not far from here. I should have known when he wanted to meet at the Waffle House that there had to be something wrong with him. Well, that morning I took Chloe to the groomer and I headed to the Waffle House in East Ridge. I got there early and had to go to the bathroom. When I came out, I saw a man in the parking lot walking back and forth. He was thin, sway backed, and when the wind blew he had a few locks of hair that stood up about a foot from his head. I stood there thinking, I cannot meet this man, I will throw up in my plate of eggs and toast. I went back to the bathroom and decided that I couldn’t just hang in there because somebody would be wanting to go. I went back out and kind of crept toward the window so I could see if he was still out there. Yep, there he was and that foot of hair still waving in the air. I turned around and saw that everybody in the Waffle House was watching me. Did you know there is not a back door in those places? I looked. How in the world was I going to get out of there? I would back up and then creep up to peep out that window. All of a sudden he disappeared. I thought here’s my chance to get out of here. I went through the first door and as I started out the main door, he was coming in. I glanced at him and said “hey” and eyes straight ahead and as fast as I could walk I headed to my car. I got in and never looking back I got out of there as quickly as I could. I got an email later asking me if that was me he passed as he started into the Waffle House. I finally responded and told him that I had an emergency, you know I’m in real estate….. I felt really bad about standing him up, but I think he would have felt worse with me throwing up in front of him. I just couldn’t, wouldn’t see him. I told my aunt and uncle and of course, Bobby couldn’t stop laughing. So this is where I got the title, Bobby called him Waffle Waffle. Oh why do I do these stupid things. Where oh where are the handsome ones they show on tv? I’m sure they are actors. Of course the men could say the same thing about the women. Oh such is life in the dating world. I recommend that you stay away from the dating sites. I don’t know where you need to meet somebody, but just take your chances. You may get a “Waffle Waffle.” DR 7/24/13

Feelings

I don’t know where all of these feelings come from. I try to make a list of all of the good things in my life, and there are many. On the outside it looks like I have everything going in my favor. Charles left me in good shape. He told me that I would realize one day how much he really loved me, and I realize that everyday. The only thing is now I’m living a lonely life. Yes, I have friends and I have a good time. I have a family that loves me. How many grandmothers can say that their grandsons think they’re either “hot” or a really “cool” grandmother. I like that my grandsons want to spend time with me and enjoy being with me. I took Jonathan on one of my rides in the convertible. I got him back home at 1 a.m. and he said, you know everybody your age is in bed. I don’t know really what that means, but I do like to have fun as long as I can. All I can do is thank God that I have good health and I know that with each experience I have had, I use it as a positive stepping stone. I lived in “limbo” for so long. When my parents and my husband first got sick, it made me angry. Yes, I admit that I was so angry. My life was not my own anymore. I devoted everything to them. After a while I got used to it and I wasn’t angry anymore. I don’t regret one moment I spent with each of them. It was hard. The hardest part was watching the people I loved slowly die. The people who were so independent and could do everything on their own and make decisions on their own could no longer do any of those things. I went to a support group one time. I never went to another one because no one had any idea what I was going through. I’m not saying any of this to get sympathy, but nobody can comprehend both their parents and husband all dying at the same time. My mother died two weeks before my husband. I saw how we’re only one breath away from death. I was jealous that they knew what heaven was like before I would ever know. No, I’m not ready to go today, but I got to see God’s dying grace first hand. Feelings, sometimes I wish I didn’t have any. Sometimes I think I have too much to feel. The only way I can get these feelings out is by writing down how I feel on paper. There is so much going on in my head and nobody to tell it to. So, if you’re reading this, thanks for reading. I don’t know if you can even understand how I feel. I never thought in a million years that I would be in the place I’m in right now. I thank God that I had a husband who thought ahead for my welfare. I don’t know how I got so lucky to get such a wonderful person in my life. I just wish I could have had him a little longer. Well, I should never have these feelings that I feel such despair, but I do. When you see me, you won’t see this side of me. Basically I’m a very happy person and thankful for everything I have. But, I can’t ignore these feelings of despair and loneliness that I get. Oh, I’ll get ready and get out of here and I’ll have fun and laugh. Until then, here I sit with tears streaming down my face. Thank you God that I can still feel. DR 7/22/13

Dancing

When I was a teenager, we loved to dance. Back then we called it “The Bop”. But I have always loved rock n roll music. Now, remember I am an introvert, so the only people I ever danced with were my relatives and some of my friends. Well, I did dance with some of my boyfriends—not that I ever had that many. My parents were really strict on me and wouldn’t let me do or go a lot of places. I guess I’m finally living my dreams at this later stage of my life. I finally got up the nerve to call to see about ballroom dancing. I love Dancing with the Stars and I have always wanted to be able to waltz and do the fast dances too. I started my lessons this week and Rob, my instructor, has been wonderful. The first day he said that I needed good balance and not be a klutz—I said, oh no, we’re already in trouble! He said it was ok, he would teach me balance. Our first Friday night dance was last night and I have had more fun than I can think of in a long time. I think I have finally found my passion. I hope my health continues to be good so I can keep this up. My favorite dance is the “Hustle.” I compare it to the “Bop.” One song was six minutes long. Rob said, oh, did I forget to tell you this one is six minutes long? I told Rob and Travis they were trying to kill me. I guess I really got into it because I went over to Christi’s afterward and when I got up to leave, I could barely walk. She and Scott laughed and laughed. I had to laugh too. What better way to relieve stress and forget about all of the worries in the world but by dancing. I can’t wait to go back to the “Senior Dance” in August. Boy, am I going to show them a thing or two. I dance with a guy named Joe a lot and he always want to “waltz”. I think after my few lessons that he’s doing it wrong. He’s the one I’m going to show some of my new steps to. He told me that he feels the music on the inside of him. I completely understand what he’s saying. I feel it too, but now I’m learning to express it better. If you have a passion and you’re scared to try it, step out and go for it. That’s what I’m doing. DR 7/20/13

My Past

This evening I went to the funeral home. I don’t talk a lot about my past, but this was Joe who had died and I had known him since I was 16. All of his sisters were there, and it was like time had stood still. They still call me Aunt Diane. Darlene is the youngest sister and boy is she a talker. It’s so hard to believe that I still remember her as a little girl. In fact, all of them were really young back then. They wanted me to go back over to their mother’s house so we could talk. Of course their mother is now gone. When I drove up in front of the house, the memories came flooding back. I have to admit that it was depressing to me when I first walked in. That part of my life seems to have been blocked out of my memory. I don’t know why it affected me like that, but it soon went away because they pulled out old pictures and we sat and talked and drank coffee. Christi and Scott came over too. I told them that I gave a speech at Toastmasters that introduced me to the group and the title was “I’ve Led Three Lives.” My first life was growing up with my parents, the second life was my first marriage, and of course the third life was my life with Charles. I guess you could say that I am now in my fourth life. I’m not sure how to explain this current life because I’m still discovering who I am now. All of these nieces are from my second life. It was as if we had all been together all these years. It was a lot of fun to be with them again. Why do we let things stand in the way of seeing people from our past? I guess when you divorce you think those people don’t want to be around you anymore. Or maybe it was my feeling when I drove up in front of Juanita’s house, sadness overcame me. I have been through so much sadness, I try to steer away from it as much as possible. The funny thing is, you can’t avoid it. It is so sad that we only see some of these people when someone dies. Why can’t we see them at a happier time? I’m glad that I went and I’m so glad that I saw everyone. DR 7/18/13

I'm An Introvert

I told one of my friends that today and she laughed. She said, no you’re not! I said, but I am. I have to really talk to myself to do some things. I’ve always been this way, only a lot worse in my younger years. I couldn’t make an oral book report. I would throw up constantly the night before just thinking about it. I did become very comfortable in front of people when I was doing Image Workshops. I even started going to Toastmasters to build my self confidence. Yesterday I had to talk myself into going to something by myself. Now I’m so proud of myself that I had the courage to do it. I guess I give the image that I’m very outgoing and happy all of the time. I’m not. I have started working more and walking to get my mind off of the things that really bother me. You don’t see the real me. The “me” that comes home to loneliness. The “me” who sometimes still cries herself to sleep. The “me” who is afraid to let others know the “real Diane.” There are very few people who have come to know the “real me.” I guess everyone is pretty much the same way. I really don’t know. I just know that the introvert in me prevents you to get “too close” to me. I may look like on the outside that I have everything all together and that I have a pretty much wonderful life. That’s you looking at the outside of me. I have to admit that I am happier than I was even a year ago. It has taken a lot of work on my part to get past all the “bad” memories of the years that I watched the three people closest to me die. If Charles were here, he would tell me that this is part of life. He always knew that he would die before me because he was so much older. He taught me a lot about life. Yes, I’ve had a lot of “challenges” since he died. I really miss his off the wall sense of humor, especially when I’ve had a difficult day. I could tell him anything and he was never judgmental of me. I wonder if I will ever find someone like that again. I told my friend Jeanie that I’m not looking anymore. She told me that I don’t have to, he will find me. Of course I asked her where should I be standing. I want to make sure he finds me. Why does life have to be full of such bad things? When I was young, I thought that people the age I am right now, had one foot already in the grave. I feel like my life has just begun. I still have so many things I want to do. Some of the things absolutely scare me to death, but I’m going to take that risk and do them. Oh, they’re not anything bad. But like I said, I’m really an introvert. I have to talk myself into doing most of the things that I do. I came really close to not going to Europe, and I would have missed some of the most wonderful places to see. The pictures in books or even videos on the travel channel do not compare to seeing the real thing. Sometimes, we just need to be open to new ideas, new opportunies, and just take the chance. I still have some memories of what Charles would tell me, and if you see me smile a little crazy, I’m probably thinking of one of them. Thank you Charles for still helping me to live—even if I have to be alone. DR 7/14/13

Independence Day

Yesterday I was in the doctor’s office and I was very relaxed and started thinking about Independence Day. The thought that came to my mind was a conversation with Charles before we got married. I told him there were two things that I did not want in our vows—I would never be submissive and I would not ever obey. He looked at me and said, “I want you to learn to be independent and learn to do things on your own.” I can truly say he taught me how to be independent. As I was thinking about this, a song started playing. I had not paid any attention to the music that was playing, it was all instrumental and none of the music was familiar to me until this one started playing, it was Lord of the Dance. This was Charles’ favorite song. I couldn’t control the tears. I felt like he was with me again. Just when you think you have control of your emotions, something like this happens again. I had not heard that song since he died. Why did it come on at that exact moment? I can’t explain it. I’m thankful that I have such wonderful memories. I could not have made it if Charles had not taught me to be independent. I just wish I had listened more. He told me that I would realize after he was gone just how much he really loved me. I thought I knew while he was living, but as always, he was right again. I look around and realize he really did love me. I feel lucky and blessed because some people will never have what I had and at the time I didn’t even realize what I had. God blessed me with a wonderful man who truly gave me my independence. He let me be me. If you knew me years ago, you will remember the person that I was—very shy and unsure of myself. Charles encouraged me. He told me I was smart and he meant it. One time he said, you’re way smarter than I even thought. I had to laugh. Yes, I still miss him. But, he also taught me that I can be me, even without him. Thank you Charles for giving me the chance to be “just me.” DR