Feelings

I don’t know where all of these feelings come from. I try to make a list of all of the good things in my life, and there are many. On the outside it looks like I have everything going in my favor. Charles left me in good shape. He told me that I would realize one day how much he really loved me, and I realize that everyday. The only thing is now I’m living a lonely life. Yes, I have friends and I have a good time. I have a family that loves me. How many grandmothers can say that their grandsons think they’re either “hot” or a really “cool” grandmother. I like that my grandsons want to spend time with me and enjoy being with me. I took Jonathan on one of my rides in the convertible. I got him back home at 1 a.m. and he said, you know everybody your age is in bed. I don’t know really what that means, but I do like to have fun as long as I can. All I can do is thank God that I have good health and I know that with each experience I have had, I use it as a positive stepping stone. I lived in “limbo” for so long. When my parents and my husband first got sick, it made me angry. Yes, I admit that I was so angry. My life was not my own anymore. I devoted everything to them. After a while I got used to it and I wasn’t angry anymore. I don’t regret one moment I spent with each of them. It was hard. The hardest part was watching the people I loved slowly die. The people who were so independent and could do everything on their own and make decisions on their own could no longer do any of those things. I went to a support group one time. I never went to another one because no one had any idea what I was going through. I’m not saying any of this to get sympathy, but nobody can comprehend both their parents and husband all dying at the same time. My mother died two weeks before my husband. I saw how we’re only one breath away from death. I was jealous that they knew what heaven was like before I would ever know. No, I’m not ready to go today, but I got to see God’s dying grace first hand. Feelings, sometimes I wish I didn’t have any. Sometimes I think I have too much to feel. The only way I can get these feelings out is by writing down how I feel on paper. There is so much going on in my head and nobody to tell it to. So, if you’re reading this, thanks for reading. I don’t know if you can even understand how I feel. I never thought in a million years that I would be in the place I’m in right now. I thank God that I had a husband who thought ahead for my welfare. I don’t know how I got so lucky to get such a wonderful person in my life. I just wish I could have had him a little longer. Well, I should never have these feelings that I feel such despair, but I do. When you see me, you won’t see this side of me. Basically I’m a very happy person and thankful for everything I have. But, I can’t ignore these feelings of despair and loneliness that I get. Oh, I’ll get ready and get out of here and I’ll have fun and laugh. Until then, here I sit with tears streaming down my face. Thank you God that I can still feel. DR 7/22/13