I'm An Introvert

I told one of my friends that today and she laughed. She said, no you’re not! I said, but I am. I have to really talk to myself to do some things. I’ve always been this way, only a lot worse in my younger years. I couldn’t make an oral book report. I would throw up constantly the night before just thinking about it. I did become very comfortable in front of people when I was doing Image Workshops. I even started going to Toastmasters to build my self confidence. Yesterday I had to talk myself into going to something by myself. Now I’m so proud of myself that I had the courage to do it. I guess I give the image that I’m very outgoing and happy all of the time. I’m not. I have started working more and walking to get my mind off of the things that really bother me. You don’t see the real me. The “me” that comes home to loneliness. The “me” who sometimes still cries herself to sleep. The “me” who is afraid to let others know the “real Diane.” There are very few people who have come to know the “real me.” I guess everyone is pretty much the same way. I really don’t know. I just know that the introvert in me prevents you to get “too close” to me. I may look like on the outside that I have everything all together and that I have a pretty much wonderful life. That’s you looking at the outside of me. I have to admit that I am happier than I was even a year ago. It has taken a lot of work on my part to get past all the “bad” memories of the years that I watched the three people closest to me die. If Charles were here, he would tell me that this is part of life. He always knew that he would die before me because he was so much older. He taught me a lot about life. Yes, I’ve had a lot of “challenges” since he died. I really miss his off the wall sense of humor, especially when I’ve had a difficult day. I could tell him anything and he was never judgmental of me. I wonder if I will ever find someone like that again. I told my friend Jeanie that I’m not looking anymore. She told me that I don’t have to, he will find me. Of course I asked her where should I be standing. I want to make sure he finds me. Why does life have to be full of such bad things? When I was young, I thought that people the age I am right now, had one foot already in the grave. I feel like my life has just begun. I still have so many things I want to do. Some of the things absolutely scare me to death, but I’m going to take that risk and do them. Oh, they’re not anything bad. But like I said, I’m really an introvert. I have to talk myself into doing most of the things that I do. I came really close to not going to Europe, and I would have missed some of the most wonderful places to see. The pictures in books or even videos on the travel channel do not compare to seeing the real thing. Sometimes, we just need to be open to new ideas, new opportunies, and just take the chance. I still have some memories of what Charles would tell me, and if you see me smile a little crazy, I’m probably thinking of one of them. Thank you Charles for still helping me to live—even if I have to be alone. DR 7/14/13