I have to admit that I do have a lot of anxiety. The definition of anxiety is “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” Charles used to say that I would worry that I didn’t have anything to worry about. Lately though, it seems as though so many things have “popped” up that I almost went out of control. I then realized that God is in control of my life and all things happen for a reason. Sometimes we find out and sometimes we never really know, but I do know that all things work themselves out.
The thing that I miss most about Charles is that whenever I would get this way, we could talk and he would always put a funny twist of any situation and make me laugh. Boy, I really miss that. Now, I put my total trust in God that He will work everything out. Sometimes, I can swear that I can hear Charles telling me something funny that I can depend on. I even went to the doctor to make sure that I’m not having a nervous breakdown and the doctor told me that I am fine and handling everything ok. Yes, I even have my sense of humor back and I can actually laugh about most things again. I’ve always said that God has a sense of humor and he picked me to find the humor in a lot of things that happen in my life.
Do I sit around and moan and groan? Sometimes I do and then I pull my boot straps back up and continue on. Life is not meant to always be easy. If life were easy, we wouldn’t be able to enjoy the good things that come our way.
I loved being married to Charles. I loved our life and I loved him more than words could every express. But, I am beginning to enjoy the new life I have now. I have truly enjoyed being with Christi and shopping and eating out and just talking. I feel as though I have been welcomed back into the real world. I love my grandsons and now today I’m going to let Jonathan drive us to the “dump.” Yes, I hold my breath, but he needs driving experience. I have gotten too involved with Christopher’s problems, but he is going to be ok. I’ve learned to listen to Scott (my son-in-law) and get to know him better. And, I miss my Tag that I had for 11-1/2 years, but I so love my little Yorkie, Chloe. She “talks” to me! She is so loving and so much fun! Yes, I miss my mother. I miss being able to call her and our trips to Hamricks together. I miss my dad, even though he is still alive. My dad is not the same anymore. It is so sad to see the people you love grow old and die. This is life!
As you can see, my life has many “new” beginnings. I’m “anxious” to see what God has in store for me.
DR
6/27/11
