Before Charles and I got married, I told him that there was something in the wedding vows I would not commit to. He asked what that could be and I told him, submission. I would never be submissive again. He told me that he wanted me to learn to be independent and think on my own. Wow!
I can also remember right after Charles and I got married, I asked him to go to Loveman’s with me at lunchtime. We stopped in front of a cosmetics counter and I explained to him that I really loved this particular lotion and cologne. I explained that the lotion was a little high. He stood there a few moments and said, I don’t know why you’re showing me this. It appears to me that instead of buying the small lotion, it would be better if you bought the large size—it will last longer and is cheaper by the ounce. Anyway, this is not a luxury, this is a necessity and you don’t have to ask my permission. I thought then and there, this man is definitely a KEEPER!
Yesterday turned out to be a difficult day for me. I didn’t think that it would—but I was wrong. I finally decided to clean myself up and get out of the house. I went over to Christi’s and we (including Scott) went to Costco and shopped around and then we went to eat. While we were there, a couple that Scott and Christi know, came in. We talked to them awhile after we all finished eating. It was refreshing to hear about their trips to Belize to help people who are less fortunate than us. He told me how he had taken several wringer type washing machines there and how thankful they were to get them. He told me how the pastor there had gotten so creative that he created a shower out of a refrigerator. How can I feel so sorry for myself when I have so many luxuries of life?
The night Charles died, I wondered how I could ever live one day without him. This was the first time in my life I had ever been faced with living alone. Well, I’ve made it a year. I have found that I am independent and yes, I can make it. I actually love my life. I come and go when I choose. I choose who I want to spend my time with. I enjoy everything that I do now.
Thank you Charles for teaching me how to take care of myself. I miss you terribly, but thank you. I know you’re in heaven watching and waiting.
DR
3/22/11
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Please March 2011 Go Away
When March of this year started, it seemed as though I was on some sort of countdown. This time last year was the last night I would ever have my Charles. What would I have done differently? None of us ever know when it is our time to die. I could die tomorrow or I could even die tonight. We just don’t know. But, I keep thinking about what I did last year—how could I have done things differently. Oh, if I could have known and sat by Charles’ bed all night and never left his side. But, we don’t know and we can’t beat ourselves up for something we didn’t do or something we didn’t say.
I never knew that I would feel the way I have felt since Charles died. Yes, Charles left me in good shape financially and tried to have everything fixed for me that needed repairs in the house. It’s just not the same when you are alone. What good is a “fun” car when your “fun” person is not here to hear you talk about it.
I could tell Charles anything and everything. When we first started going together, we could talk for hours and hours. He was so smart. Now, I have a little Yorkie who listens to me and turns her little head this way and that, but she doesn’t have anything to say in return. Thank goodness I have her though, because now I look forward to coming home because she’s so happy to see me.
Please March 2011 go away so I can think about other things instead of how lonely I am and how much I miss the love of my life. I am just thankful that Charles is at peace now and in a much better place. I just need to get my life together because I’m still here and I’m sure that I am supposed to do more with my life before it’s my time to go. I loved you Charles and I still do.
DR
3/21/11
I never knew that I would feel the way I have felt since Charles died. Yes, Charles left me in good shape financially and tried to have everything fixed for me that needed repairs in the house. It’s just not the same when you are alone. What good is a “fun” car when your “fun” person is not here to hear you talk about it.
I could tell Charles anything and everything. When we first started going together, we could talk for hours and hours. He was so smart. Now, I have a little Yorkie who listens to me and turns her little head this way and that, but she doesn’t have anything to say in return. Thank goodness I have her though, because now I look forward to coming home because she’s so happy to see me.
Please March 2011 go away so I can think about other things instead of how lonely I am and how much I miss the love of my life. I am just thankful that Charles is at peace now and in a much better place. I just need to get my life together because I’m still here and I’m sure that I am supposed to do more with my life before it’s my time to go. I loved you Charles and I still do.
DR
3/21/11
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Lent - 2011
Today is the beginning of Lent, Wednesday, March 9, 2011. I can’t remember the year, but this particular Lent, Charles decided that he would go to mass everyday for 40 days. He got up every morning and attended mass. He told me that it was okay if I didn’t go because this was what he wanted to do, not me. I remember feeling so guilty when he would leave. I also was so impressed that Charles never tried to make me feel guilty that I didn’t go. He never said a word to me. I have never forgotten the impression he made on me. That’s the way we should be to others—not someone who condemns and tells someone else what their failures are, but just set an example.
Everyday of our lives someone is looking at us—watching our every action, every word that comes out of our mouths. I know that I fall short so many times.
I know everyone does not observe Lent the way Catholics do, but maybe this Easter season we can remember to be better examples to others. I don’t think that I could have gotten up every morning for 40 mornings and gone to mass. I did good to get to church once a week—but I was not condemned for not doing so.
Charles you taught me a lot in our years together and this is one thing I will never forget.
DR
3/9/11
Everyday of our lives someone is looking at us—watching our every action, every word that comes out of our mouths. I know that I fall short so many times.
I know everyone does not observe Lent the way Catholics do, but maybe this Easter season we can remember to be better examples to others. I don’t think that I could have gotten up every morning for 40 mornings and gone to mass. I did good to get to church once a week—but I was not condemned for not doing so.
Charles you taught me a lot in our years together and this is one thing I will never forget.
DR
3/9/11
Friday, March 4, 2011
My Mother
I find it so hard to believe that my mother has been gone almost a year. It will be Sunday, March 6. When I think back to a year ago, I don’t know how I survived. My mother had fallen at assisted living and even though she had not broken her hip, she could not raise up or walk, much less feed herself. I was in a turmoil of what to do. My husband, Charles, was in a wheelchair and I knew that the end was getting near for him and I couldn’t bear the thoughts of my mother downstairs on hospice and my husband upstairs on hospice. I decided to bring my mother to my house. The ambulance got her here about 5:30 p.m. and she had a wonderful time with two of her sisters, Genell and Reida, and Leon, Debbie, and Kristin. Leon brought Charles downstairs and my mother knew who he was and she had not seen him in about 6 months. In fact, my mother was more lucid than she had been in the past 2 or 3 years. Genell cooked her fried chicken, gravy, homemade biscuits, mashed potatoes and my mother just ate and ate. They all laughed and joked. I didn’t get to spend very much time with her because I had to go back to the assisted living and get her medicine, some clothes, and tell my dad she was at my house.
I came back home and everyone was leaving. Debbie was making my mother comfortable and washing her off. My mother asked if she could have one more biscuit and gravy. I fixed what I had left and she said, boy that Genell sure is stingy with her gravy. We called Genell to see if she had more gravy at her house and she sent more. I told my mother that Debbie was going to spoil her and she said that Debbie had already done that.
Debbie spent the night and checked on her throughout the night. My mother was dreaming of more biscuits and gravy and two country fried eggs for breakfast.
The next morning I ran down the steps to see if she was ok and Debbie and I looked in on her and she was snoring like a freight train. I sat downstairs and Debbie and I talked for a little while and then I said I had better go back upstairs and get dressed and see about Charles. Debbie said she would go ahead and wake my mother. As soon as she walked in my mother’s room, she said it was totally quiet. My mother was gone. She was at my house less than 24 hours and never woke up again.
I could not believe it. My consolation to this day is my mother kept saying, “I am so happy Diane brought me home.”
Now my dad is on hospice and I’m so afraid he’s going to make this March another one I won’t be able to forget.
Life is short. It’s much shorter than I have every imagined. Live everyday to the fullest and be good to your mom and dad, they may not be here tomorrow.
DR
3/4/11
I came back home and everyone was leaving. Debbie was making my mother comfortable and washing her off. My mother asked if she could have one more biscuit and gravy. I fixed what I had left and she said, boy that Genell sure is stingy with her gravy. We called Genell to see if she had more gravy at her house and she sent more. I told my mother that Debbie was going to spoil her and she said that Debbie had already done that.
Debbie spent the night and checked on her throughout the night. My mother was dreaming of more biscuits and gravy and two country fried eggs for breakfast.
The next morning I ran down the steps to see if she was ok and Debbie and I looked in on her and she was snoring like a freight train. I sat downstairs and Debbie and I talked for a little while and then I said I had better go back upstairs and get dressed and see about Charles. Debbie said she would go ahead and wake my mother. As soon as she walked in my mother’s room, she said it was totally quiet. My mother was gone. She was at my house less than 24 hours and never woke up again.
I could not believe it. My consolation to this day is my mother kept saying, “I am so happy Diane brought me home.”
Now my dad is on hospice and I’m so afraid he’s going to make this March another one I won’t be able to forget.
Life is short. It’s much shorter than I have every imagined. Live everyday to the fullest and be good to your mom and dad, they may not be here tomorrow.
DR
3/4/11
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