My Crazy Life

I used to live such a dull life. I really did. Talk about a rut, mine was really deep. I have a friend who told me recently that I’m more fun to watch than Days of Our Lives, she calls it Days of Diane. Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but I have to admit my life is at times a little crazy, or should I say that maybe I’m a little crazy, lol. Life is too short to not find fun and humor in everything. I love to laugh and maybe do some crazy things at times. I think we should laugh more, be more active, do more things. I think a lot of people are scared to step out of their comfort zone. When I decided to step out of my “box”, I have to admit it was pretty scary. I would be putting myself out there to be criticized, analyzed, judged, and maybe some other adjectives I can’t think of right now. I have come to the realization that if I do something to make you laugh, then I have accomplished something. If we can’t have fun, then just dry up and sit there and be your own morbid self. Life is for living. Life is for helping someone else to know that there is more to life than just being worried all of the time. Get out there and have fun. Last night I had my daughter in my car and I think I really scared her with some of my driving. I like to drive fast (I hope no policemen are reading this) but I am a careful driver. I looked at her last night and said, I sure don’t drive like Granny, do I? Of course, I was talking about my mother who was afraid to get on the interstate and thought if she went over 35 miles an hour she was speeding. Christi said no, you’re nothing like her. She said she always wondered if she would ever arrive at where they were heading when she was with my mother. With me, she wonders if she will arrive there alive and in one piece. Oh, I’m really not that bad. Although, I do remember one day when Becky chose three men agents to ride in my car, including my broker, (we did this every Tuesday to view houses that had just been listed) that when we were heading to my car, I turned around and they all had on motorcycle helmets. I asked, why helmets? They responded, we’re riding with you! Well, I know they were kidding even when we returned and one of the men kissed the ground when he got out of my car. Do you think that got me off from having people in my car on tour, no. Also, I’m not that bad. Anyway, I don’t think so. Take a ride with me this summer in my convertible and you’ll see. Well, just ask my Kristin. She was always ready to ride with me last summer. I really hope she is going to ride with me again this summer. We had a ball. Well, I did have a guy to ride with me. Ok, so what if he was only 48 and liked me. I’ve already said I like men younger than me. I told him when he got into my car he should fear for his life. He said, but you promised that you wouldn’t put me out anywhere. I said, yes I did promise you that, but I drive fast and I play my music loud. He was ok with that. He said he was really surprised that I like Blondie. For those of you who have never heard of Blondie, she was a rock singer in the 70’s or 80’s. We had a few dates until he moved back to Kentucky. That was fun, but he was a little too young. I’ve said all of this to say that sometimes we need to let go and have fun. I know I am. DR 3/30/13

Freedom

Today I was talking to my daughter and she was telling me that she is going to prepare a talk, and she named off three different titles. When she said freedom, I suddenly felt this overwhelming urge to write about my freedom. Have you ever thought about the word “freedom.” What exactly does it mean for you? I guess I’m in a situation that may be different from yours. I don’t answer to anyone. Well, I do have an angry little Yorkie at times if I stay away from home too long. But, she is easy to please. She’s always happy to see me come home and as long as she has food and water, she’s happy. My freedom is that I can go anywhere, do anything, and buy anything I want. I can also not cook or cook some strange concoctions just for me. I’m usually always watching what I eat, so I don’t eat like the normal person. I can also watch tv in bed, keep my glasses on, and fall asleep without anyone waking me up to tell me to turn the tv off or you’d better take those glasses off. I have been known to make midnight runs to WalMart. I can go on trips to anywhere I choose without asking anyone if I can go. Well, my list could go on and on. I guess it sounds like the perfect life, but it isn’t always. I didn’t mention that sometimes it’s a lonely life, but most of the time I don’t even mind that. I’m beginning to get set pretty much in some of my own ways. Freedom, what does that mean to you? DR 3/28/13

Things I Hate to Do

I closed myself up for the past two days to do my taxes. I don’t know why I hate this project so bad, but I do it every year. I don’t procrastinate about many things, but this one I do big time! I always have to make the appointment with my CPA to ensure that my taxes will be done. I am also a pack rat. I remember a few years ago Charles asked our CPA how long we should keep copies of our taxes. I believe David said about seven years. Then Charles said, so, Diane can start destroying her taxes from 1963? I was so embarrassed. But, we all laughed. We had a big bonfire a few days later. I really hated to see those records go up in flames. I don’t know about you, but another thing I hate to do is go to the doctor, and especially to get blood work. Last week I had to get blood work. I didn’t dread it too much since the lady had no trouble the previous time. Well, this time she did. I have small veins and they roll. She had to get 3 vials of blood. She was able to get one vial out of my left arm and then she started hunting for another vein on my right arm. She took the blood out of a vein at my wrist. I had a large bruise on the left arm. One time it took five people to try to get my blood. I pity the poor vampire, if there are any such people, to try to get my blood! I know there are some other things that I hate to do, but right now all I can think about is that I have to go see my CPA tomorrow. He knows me like a book. He’s been doing our taxes for 30 years. I hope he never retires. I would hate to have to break in a new CPA. DR 3/26/13

Charles

After my mother died, I knew you didn’t have much longer, even though I wanted you to live forever. I finally gave in and ordered a hospital bed for you. Yes, it went downstairs in the same room where my mother died. You were there five days. Debbie stayed with you at night so I could get some sleep. Debbie went home to take a shower and you weren’t communicating with me very well. I put my arms around you and told you all of the things that you had worried so much about. I lied about a couple of things because I knew that they would get worked out eventually. I then told you that you had suffered enough and it was time for you to go. Those were the hardest words I have ever spoken. You were my life. I didn’t know how I would live one day without you. You were my best friend. I could tell you anything. You never judged me. When I thought things were so bad, you could always make me laugh. But this day, you were barely communicating. Oh how I loved you and I will love you until the day I die. We fell madly and passionately in love. I will never forget you or how you gave your love to me completely. Debbie came back and you wanted up. I sat on the side of the hospital bed and you were sitting in front of me. Debbie was sitting beside you on the couch. You took your feet and kept rubbing them over mine. Debbie said, look at that, Charles is still playing footsies with you. Oh, how I wish you could do that today! I only have the memories. We had Chloe only two weeks and you loved that little puppy. She was always so still when you held her. I took a picture of you holding her. I didn’t know that in two hours you would be gone. You were having trouble swallowing so I left to get your medicine. Debbie was staying with you. At six o’clock she told you she was going to get your medicine. She came back in less than five minutes and you had slid onto the floor. She called Leon to help get you back up. Leon knew immediately you were gone. I had gone back to WalMart because Access Drug was an hour behind on their compounding. I was on my way back to Access Drug when Leon called. He only asked me for the phone number for Hospice and I said he’s dead isn’t he? Leon couldn’t bring himself to tell me. I was driving and still had to come back up the mountain and he said he just couldn’t. I had Kristin with me. I then asked Leon if I needed to get your medicine and he said no, just come home. I told him I would call Hospice. I called Sharon direct and she told me she would take care of canceling your medicine and she would meet me back at the house. I then tried to call Father Bertin. I left him a message, and I drove back home. It didn’t really hit me what had happened until I opened the door and I saw you lying lifeless on the bed. I never thought that I would see you that way. We talked about it for 14 years. You had gotten sick when we were building this house. That’s another story in itself, but you lived to finish the top portion of our house so we could move in. I really thought you would never be able to do that. God let me have you another 14 years and I feel so blessed with that, but I really wanted you longer. I wanted to be the one to go first. Why did it have to be you? How was I going to live another day without you? Sharon came, Christi and Scott came. I wasn’t able to call anybody. I had to go down the mountain to bring Father George back up so he could do last rites on you. I learned later that Father Bertin had given you last rites the weekend my mother died. He wanted you to know what he was doing. You were special, you got last rites before and after you died. After the funeral home came to get you, I took Father George back down to his car. Christi rode with me. After we got back to my house, Christi and Scott left. Debbie had already gone home and it was just Leon and me sitting downstairs. Leon finally said he should go and would I be ok. I asked him if Debbie would mind coming back over and spend the night with me. He called her and Debbie came right over. We finally went to bed about 4 a.m. That is the only night I needed someone to stay with me. Yes Charles you taught me well. I knew everything I needed to do. I knew how to take care of myself. So here I sit three years later and I can remember that day and night just like it had happened yesterday. I’ll never forget it and I will never forget you. You were the great love of my life. DR 3/22/13

Today

Today seemed to be a day just like all of the other Saturdays. I took Chloe to the groomer. I made a few stops and then I put my top down on my car and headed to the interstate. I wasn’t the only one with my top down. Oh how good the fresh air felt, and the sun felt wonderful. I headed back to pick up Chloe and took her back home. She could see again with all the hair out of her eyes. I then started getting ready to go to the Station House. I’ve never been, so it was exciting for me. On my way home from the Station House, I had the sad news that my friend’s sister-in-law had died. I was also friends with her and her husband. I’ve known her husband since he was 9 years old. He has been a dedicated husband to her. She was diagnosed with brain cancer over 20 years ago. It has been a miracle that she has lived this long. I really feel for the family. It brought back all the memories of three years ago and the things you have to take care of. I don’t wish that on anybody, but this is part of life, and if you don’t die first, then you are the one left to take care of things. Even though you expect this day to come, it is never easy. My mother always told me that time heals all wounds. She didn’t tell me how much it would really hurt and it would hurt for a very long time. You never forget, it just gets easier to cope with. I was in my truck tonight and when I turned on the cd player, the song “Til I Can Make It On My Own” played. Guess, I really like to torture myself. Can we really make it on our own? The only way I have made it is with God’s help. I don’t know what I would have done if I couldn’t depend on Him. Sometimes, I feel like He’s not listening when I tell Him how bad I hurt and how lonely I get. I look around and I see that I am really a very fortunate person. I had a husband who took care of me and tried to prepare me. Well, enough of this sadness tonight. I know that 2013 is going to be a wonderful year, and great things are going to happen—not only for me but for you also. Just put all of your trust in God’s hands. Sometimes you will feel like things are not happening as quickly as you want them to, but believe me, they are. DR

Mother

I can finally talk about the last time I saw you. I was so distraught when the social worker kept calling me from assisted living. You were on hospice and you had been x-rayed to see if you had any broken bones when you fell. You had no broken bones, but you still couldn’t walk to the dining room to eat. You were so bruised and in a lot of pain. I had gone to pick up your pain medicine the night you fell. You fell on Wednesday. All day Friday the social worker kept calling me. She said I should take you off of hospice so you could go to the emergency room. I knew that you were not able to do that. I was at my wit’s end because Charles was already in a wheelchair and I knew that he didn’t have much longer to live I just didn’t know how I could manage having you downstairs and Charles upstairs, both of you on hospice.. I took a shower and when I got out I had a voice mail from the social worker. She said it was inhumane treatment for you to suffer and yell out in pain all day. That was my turning point. Hospice had ordered a hospital bed to be delivered to your room at assisted living. I called hospice and asked if it could be delivered to my house. They said yes. I told them to have it delivered about 4:30. I called an ambulance and asked them to pick you up and bring you to my house at 5:30. Debbie told me she would stay with you 24/7 downstairs. Leon and Debbie helped me clean out the room that had become my catch all room. I had trains, a lot of stuff I cleaned out of your house, and a lot of stuff where I had cleaned out my office I had in East Ridge. We carried so much stuff to the garage, but we got the room looking so warm and cozy by the time the hospital bed arrived. I put my little stove that looked like real logs in it, and they were electric, but I knew that would keep you even warmer. I put a small couch in there. I couldn’t have done it without Leon and Debbie. I remember running back up the steps and telling Charles, Oh, I forgot to ask you if it’s ok that I bring my mother here. Charles looked at me and said, I’m breaking out in smiles all over because I think that’s the right thing to do. The ambulance arrived with you right on time. Leon went out to meet you and asked if you knew where you were. You answered him, Yes, Leon, I’m so happy. She has brought me home. Those words still echo in my brain today. Genell fixed you a wonderful supper—fried chicken, gravy, mashed potatoes, and biscuits. I think there was more, but that’s what you really liked. Two of your sisters were here—Genell and Reida. Leon, Debbie, Ginger, and Kristin came over. Leon went upstairs and carried Charles down to see you. It was amazing that you knew everybody’s names. I couldn’t stay because I had to go back and get your clothes, medicine, and to tell my dad that I brought you home. When I got your medicine, all of it was still there. You were in pain because they had not given you any pain medicine. I went back home and Debbie was making you all comfortable and we gave you your pain medicine. You were hungry again so you ate another biscuit and gravy. I heated up what I had left. You told Debbie that Genell was sure stingy with her gravy. Kristin went down to Genell’s and got some more gravy for your biscuit. My last words to you were, Debbie is going to spoil you and you replied, she already has. I went upstairs knowing that you weren’t in pain and I had you in good hands with Debbie. Leon promised you two country fried eggs for breakfast to go with Genell’s homemade biscuits and gravy. You really loved biscuits and gravy. You went to sleep a very happy woman. Charles and I slept through the night for the first time in several months. I woke up the next morning and ran down the steps. I felt like the first time Christi slept through the night when she was a baby. Debbie looked at me and said, everything’s ok. I’ve been checking on her all night. I was so relieved. We stood at the door and you were snoring like a freight train, but I heard another sound. I asked Debbie, what is that other noise? She said you were congested and she would get you to cough when you woke up. I sat downstairs for a little while and Debbie and I discussed what we would do the rest of the weekend. We had all the meals planned out. I went back upstairs to get dressed and Debbie went in to wake you up. She said as soon as she entered your room it was totally quiet. She called Leon. Yes, you were gone that quick. Leon came up the steps to tell me. I couldn’t believe it. I was just down there. I was ready to run down the steps, but Charles told me to call hospice first and get my paperwork. You see, the previous year I went to the funeral home and set up four funerals—Charles, my mother, my dad, and me. I had all the necessary paperwork attached to each one. My parents wanted to be buried at National Cemetery so I had to make sure everything would be ok. I called hospice and went downstairs with my paperwork. I’ll never forget what I saw—Debbie was laying over you sobbing. I just felt numb. I had never been around anyone who had just died. This is as far as I can go with this story right now. I didn’t cry then, but I am now and it has been three years. All I can find comfort in right now, is what you said to Leon. “I’m so happy, she’s brought me home.” DR 3/6/13

Brenda

When my husband was dying from cancer and was on Hospice, I spent many hours on the computer playing a game called Farmtown on Facebook. Brenda Macura was one of my “neighbors” and I let her harvest many of my crops. I was always anxious when she would notify me that she was available. After she harvested my crops, our little avatars would stand out in the field and we would talk. I was able to pour my heart out to her during those long days and Charles would never hear how sad I had become. Brenda became so close to me. We talked about everything and we grew to know each other really well. After Charles died, we still communicated through Facebook and I always knew that someday I would go meet her. Her hometown is in North Carolina. I received the sad news today that Brenda died. Last week she suddenly went unconscious and never came back. She was on life support. I sent her daughter, Angel a note about how sorry I was to hear about Brenda. Angel told me that her mother had told her that when she retired she wanted to go meet Diane. I felt so honored that her mother thought that much of me. It’s funny how you can get close to someone and never have met them or even heard their voice. Now, I will never get to meet her in this life. I know there are no words I can express to Angel right now about losing her mother. I only want her and her brother to know that in time it will get easier. You never forget. The tears you shed right now will get to be more infrequent. You will be able to talk about her without crying and start remembering all of the good times. In two days it will be three years since my mother died. March is already a difficult month for me to go through, but this year it is a lot easier. I know each year for Angel and her brother will get easier, but still painful. I just wish I had been able to meet Brenda. You never know what each day is going to bring. I’m so thankful that Brenda was here for me when I needed a friend, and she took the time to talk to me. I know heaven is a little sweeter now that Brenda is there. DR 3/4/13

Regrets

I had a hard time trying to get a title to this. I think everyone has some regrets over some things that have happened in their lives. My regrets go back many years. Some I can’t share openly because of the people who might read about them. I can only say that my life could be totally different from what it is today. I decided about this time last year to start living again. I think I could have stared at my four walls for the rest of my life. I don’t know what influenced me to change. I know that when Sabra asked me to go to Florida with her, it was a definite turning point. She rented a red Mustang convertible for us to drive down. I asked her why did she do that and she replied, you need to start having fun again! That week was actually a working week, but also one of so much fun. I realized how much I loved the beach and getting up every morning and sitting on the deck with my cup of coffee watching the waves and the sunrise. It amazes me at God’s handiwork. I also decided in the following months that I didn’t want to be alone the rest of my life. I didn’t know what a surprise I was in for. It seems the ones I like don’t want me and the ones I don’t want, want me. I guess that’s life. So here I sit on Saturday night all by myself. I know that there has to be someone out there just for me. So far my very best friend is my dog Chloe. Oh, I know my daughter and grandsons love me, but they’re not here when I get home. So, I made several decisions last year. I’m doing pretty good with those decisions and now I am making more. I have decided to work again. Boy, that has been an eye opener. I am learning all over again the streets and how to do everything, but I love it. Who knows, maybe that tall, dark stranger will walk into my life and want to buy a house. I do know that staying in this house all of the time isn’t going to do it. I believe they would have to fall out of the sky and I don’t see anything like that happening. Have I had some hurts this year? Yes, and I think the older we get, the more we hurt. Am I happy? Yes, I am totally happy with my life. I am so thankful that I had a husband who taught me how to take care of myself. Maybe when I write next year when all of these memories come flooding back, I’ll be telling a totally different story. The verse that keeps coming to me is Jeremiah 29:11. God keeps reminding me that he has plans for me…. As I told someone a long time ago, God expects us to put legs on our prayers. They’re not going to be answered just by sitting and waiting for things to drop into our lap. Yes, I’m open to new opportunities. Just because I’ve had a few doors to close doesn’t mean there aren’t some doors that are going to open wide for me. I’m expecting wonderful things to happen this year! DR 3/2/13