I bought the cd a few years ago because I loved the song “Only Time” by Enja. Now the song really has a lot of meaning to it. I’ve given advice to some of my friends who have lost their husbands and told them not to make any major decisions for a year. Now, I really know that it does take “time” to mend your broken heart.
The chaplain from hospice called me today and wanted to know how I’m doing. He told me I had exchanged one type of stress for another type. Of course, I don’t want to go into detail about all of the little things I am coping with right now, but he is right. He told me that I’m lucky to have family and friends. I told him that even though I do, I still feel empty—all alone—like part of me is missing. He told me to take time just for me.
I paid my Toastmaster dues today and I so want to get started back because I loved it so much—but when it comes time to go, I just can’t make myself. I’m not ready to make any speeches right now. I want to be my funny self again and not break down and cry so much. I emailed the person who turns our dues in and she wrote me back that she understands. She told me that when her husband died, she missed several important functions. Once, she even got into her car and backed out and just pulled back into the carport again. She said it’s feeling somewhat like a wounded animal.
Ed, the chaplain, told me he would be checking on me again in a couple of months to see how I’m doing. He told me I would be going through many changes. I told him that right now I don’t know what my purpose in life is. What do I do now? I guess I was so busy taking care of everybody that when everyone is gone, I am left here all alone.
I really miss Charles calling me “my dearest, my darling, my lover, my all.” I miss his hugs, his off the wall comments. I miss him comforting me when I felt depressed. He always knew what to say and how to build up my confidence. I miss Charles calling me on the cell phone to just tell me he loved me. I miss holding hands with him at night and just talking. Oh, if I could have just one more day! Now when something goes wrong or breaks, I think, ok, what would Charles do? He sure wouldn’t panic the way I do. He always told me we would have challenges, not problems. We would look at the challenge and see if we could fix it and we couldn’t fix it, how we would respond to it. I don’t like facing these challenges alone.
I know someday I will see so many people I have loved here on earth, but the one person I want to see again is my Charles!
DR
9/27/10
Monday, September 27, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Leon
Leon is my first cousin, but he has become one of my very best friends. If Leon sees anyone in need, he is there. Leon is a “workaholic.” He cannot stand to see anyone who is “lazy”.
When Charles started to get so bad, Leon would finish his “chores”, take a shower, get a thermos of coffee, and come over to chat with Charles for a few hours. Charles looked forward to his visits. If Leon got sick, Charles would worry himself to death about it. One night he told Leon that he really loved him; he said I mean I really love you. Oh, if you could have heard Charles say it, you wouldn’t forget it and Leon never has. I have loved Leon for coming to see my husband like he did, he didn’t have to do that, but he did. Then one night, I told Leon that I had found some type of sore on Charles’ back side and Leon called his wife Debbie. In a few minutes Debbie was over here with rubber gloves on and some kind of cream. Charles was very modest and didn’t want her to see his rear end, but Debbie won. From that point on, Debbie was the doctor who healed his bedsore. He loved Debbie just as much as he did Leon. The funny thing about Debbie is that I always thought she was “unfriendly” and she thought I was a “snob.” It’s funny how we think of somebody that we don’t really know. I love Debbie like I think I would love a sister. We no longer think those things about each other.
But getting back to Leon. He loves his mother and faithfully cuts her wood and keeps her wood stacked on her porch. She still wants to heat with wood at 83 years old. Leon makes sure she doesn’t run out. He helps her with her grass and any other thing that comes up.
And now, he has me, I am still afraid of the riding lawnmower. He has cut my grass, helped me with my toilets, and numerous other things.
In addition, for the past 2 or 3 years he has cut my dad’s hair.
The other week he nearly killed himself helping his friend, Benny (who is in his 80’s) bale hay. He had to work on the machinery plus help him bale the hay. Leon would come in at night barely able to walk. Yet, he was up again bright and early the next morning to help Benny all day again.
Did I mention he made a huge garden and with the vegetables they didn’t can or freeze, he was taking to friends and even cutting corn off the cob and freezing for family members?
I can’t say enough about Leon. Up until Charles got sick, I really didn’t know Leon either. I worked all the time and he was at work and then he retired and of course, worked more in the yard.
If you need a best friend, I recommend Leon!
DR, 9/18/10
When Charles started to get so bad, Leon would finish his “chores”, take a shower, get a thermos of coffee, and come over to chat with Charles for a few hours. Charles looked forward to his visits. If Leon got sick, Charles would worry himself to death about it. One night he told Leon that he really loved him; he said I mean I really love you. Oh, if you could have heard Charles say it, you wouldn’t forget it and Leon never has. I have loved Leon for coming to see my husband like he did, he didn’t have to do that, but he did. Then one night, I told Leon that I had found some type of sore on Charles’ back side and Leon called his wife Debbie. In a few minutes Debbie was over here with rubber gloves on and some kind of cream. Charles was very modest and didn’t want her to see his rear end, but Debbie won. From that point on, Debbie was the doctor who healed his bedsore. He loved Debbie just as much as he did Leon. The funny thing about Debbie is that I always thought she was “unfriendly” and she thought I was a “snob.” It’s funny how we think of somebody that we don’t really know. I love Debbie like I think I would love a sister. We no longer think those things about each other.
But getting back to Leon. He loves his mother and faithfully cuts her wood and keeps her wood stacked on her porch. She still wants to heat with wood at 83 years old. Leon makes sure she doesn’t run out. He helps her with her grass and any other thing that comes up.
And now, he has me, I am still afraid of the riding lawnmower. He has cut my grass, helped me with my toilets, and numerous other things.
In addition, for the past 2 or 3 years he has cut my dad’s hair.
The other week he nearly killed himself helping his friend, Benny (who is in his 80’s) bale hay. He had to work on the machinery plus help him bale the hay. Leon would come in at night barely able to walk. Yet, he was up again bright and early the next morning to help Benny all day again.
Did I mention he made a huge garden and with the vegetables they didn’t can or freeze, he was taking to friends and even cutting corn off the cob and freezing for family members?
I can’t say enough about Leon. Up until Charles got sick, I really didn’t know Leon either. I worked all the time and he was at work and then he retired and of course, worked more in the yard.
If you need a best friend, I recommend Leon!
DR, 9/18/10
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
What Lies Ahead
I’ve had quite a few days of thinking about lies ahead for me. This is the first time in my life I have ever been totally alone. I lived my parents until I married the first time and when I divorced after 18 years, I still had my daughter with me. Of course she is married and has children of her own, and now that Charles has died, I am alone.
It has been six months and still seems like yesterday he was here and and then again sometimes I think the past 30 years have been a dream and he was never here. Of course I can look around and see him everywhere in the clocks and bowls and the things he has made over the years, even the house I’m living in.
I attended a meeting with my daughter, Christi, on Sunday afternoon and the speaker, Jennifer, talked about “Dreams.” At first I thought she was going to discuss the meaning of dreams and of course I have some of the craziest dreams on record—well besides my friend, Irma, whom I think we compete with each other on having the craziest. Well, she began to talk about when she was a little girl and the dreams she had and that she could do anything. Dreams of singing with her brothers and maybe they could form a band, or her fairytale wedding, and then—she grew up and life began.
I began to think of what my dreams used to be. But, I can truthfully say Charles taught me to dream again and he always told me how smart I was. I always said back, but I’m fat and ugly. He always responded, “you’re not ugly.” Lol My new dream is that I will become thin again and I am working on it. You may say, why didn’t you work on that before? Food was my only comfort. And even at that, I couldn’t do my comforting in front of Charles because he lived on Ensure for over 3 years and I even felt guilty that I could eat anything that I wanted.
I don’t know what lies ahead of me, am I always going to live alone, what do I do with myself, can I ever be truly happy again? Well, I working on the happiness part. Charles was happy before he died and he told me the key to everything is forgiveness. Oh, I don’t know about that one. I’m working on that too. I’m also working on being around people who are positive and have goals in mind. I want to go places further than 30 miles from my house. I’m making my “bucket” list. If you don’t have one, you need to make one. It’s kind of like a “dream” list, anyway in my opinion it is.
Well, I’m finally beginning to enjoy being alone. At least when I have a bad day, I can cry and no one knows except my new puppy who licks my tears and then I have to laugh. When I come home, she is so happy to see me. It’s not quite like Charles greeting me, but it’s better than coming to an empty house. I try to take her with me as much as I can because she really enjoys going with me.
Well, enough for today. Just start those “dreams” again!
DR
9/15/10
It has been six months and still seems like yesterday he was here and and then again sometimes I think the past 30 years have been a dream and he was never here. Of course I can look around and see him everywhere in the clocks and bowls and the things he has made over the years, even the house I’m living in.
I attended a meeting with my daughter, Christi, on Sunday afternoon and the speaker, Jennifer, talked about “Dreams.” At first I thought she was going to discuss the meaning of dreams and of course I have some of the craziest dreams on record—well besides my friend, Irma, whom I think we compete with each other on having the craziest. Well, she began to talk about when she was a little girl and the dreams she had and that she could do anything. Dreams of singing with her brothers and maybe they could form a band, or her fairytale wedding, and then—she grew up and life began.
I began to think of what my dreams used to be. But, I can truthfully say Charles taught me to dream again and he always told me how smart I was. I always said back, but I’m fat and ugly. He always responded, “you’re not ugly.” Lol My new dream is that I will become thin again and I am working on it. You may say, why didn’t you work on that before? Food was my only comfort. And even at that, I couldn’t do my comforting in front of Charles because he lived on Ensure for over 3 years and I even felt guilty that I could eat anything that I wanted.
I don’t know what lies ahead of me, am I always going to live alone, what do I do with myself, can I ever be truly happy again? Well, I working on the happiness part. Charles was happy before he died and he told me the key to everything is forgiveness. Oh, I don’t know about that one. I’m working on that too. I’m also working on being around people who are positive and have goals in mind. I want to go places further than 30 miles from my house. I’m making my “bucket” list. If you don’t have one, you need to make one. It’s kind of like a “dream” list, anyway in my opinion it is.
Well, I’m finally beginning to enjoy being alone. At least when I have a bad day, I can cry and no one knows except my new puppy who licks my tears and then I have to laugh. When I come home, she is so happy to see me. It’s not quite like Charles greeting me, but it’s better than coming to an empty house. I try to take her with me as much as I can because she really enjoys going with me.
Well, enough for today. Just start those “dreams” again!
DR
9/15/10
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Happy Anniversary, Charles
Today would have been our 26th wedding anniversary. Instead of celebrating with me, you are in heaven celebrating. Someone told me to think about good memories of you today and so here goes.
I showed some of our old pictures to Kristin today and it brought back so many good memories. While we were dating, we were always building something, fixing something, cutting down trees, or hauling logs. Boy, I never knew that I would think of those as the fun days. You took some pictures of me while we were building your solar shed, but they were all “butt” shots. I was pretty skinny then and you told me I had a nice butt. Lol Looking back at those pictures, yeah wish I looked like that now. I went through the pictures of the snow that kept up snowbound for a week when we had first gotten married. I loved that house and used to call it our “love nest”. I especially liked the swing you built for me and put it on that big flat rock overlooking our creek. We used to sit out there while it was raining because you had that nice wood shingle roof on it.
I can remember that we had about 20 dogs that would chase us out the driveway of the morning. Of course, we weren’t around anybody and nobody cared about all of the barking. I can remember the time we came home at midnight and a tree had fallen across the driveway to our house and we didn’t have a good flashlight as we walked almost a mile to the house and we were both scared to death and then we had to drive back up to cut the tree up so we could go on to our house.
I remember the time that I won the fur coat in Dallas. I had 12 of my consultants there, including my mother, you, and Christi. I knew I was in the top 50 in the nation. You told me that my mother looked around and told everyone to not get their hopes up because I would not win anything. You told me that Christi burst out crying and my friend, Cherry took her closer to the stage so they could get a picture of me coming out to get my fur coat. Yes, I knew I was in the top 10 when they started numbering us off outside, but I didn’t know where. I remember you telling me how you cheered and clapped as #11 came out onto the stage and the man next to you said, oh is that your wife, I bet you’re really proud of her. And you responded, Hell no, my wife has won a fur coat! You said it made you even happier when I was not #10 or #9, but I was #8.
I remember when I made Director-In Qualification, you sent me flowers at TVA and your card said “Congratulations to my VIP, DIQ, and lover forever, for all things come to him who works his ass off.” You always could make me laugh.
I have a million good memories of you, because you had faith in me and kept telling me how smart I am. I grew up in a very negative family and had a low opinion of myself and you gave me courage to step out and do things that I never thought I could possibly do.
Happy Anniversary, Charles, and I will always love you and I miss you terribly.
DR
9/1/10
I showed some of our old pictures to Kristin today and it brought back so many good memories. While we were dating, we were always building something, fixing something, cutting down trees, or hauling logs. Boy, I never knew that I would think of those as the fun days. You took some pictures of me while we were building your solar shed, but they were all “butt” shots. I was pretty skinny then and you told me I had a nice butt. Lol Looking back at those pictures, yeah wish I looked like that now. I went through the pictures of the snow that kept up snowbound for a week when we had first gotten married. I loved that house and used to call it our “love nest”. I especially liked the swing you built for me and put it on that big flat rock overlooking our creek. We used to sit out there while it was raining because you had that nice wood shingle roof on it.
I can remember that we had about 20 dogs that would chase us out the driveway of the morning. Of course, we weren’t around anybody and nobody cared about all of the barking. I can remember the time we came home at midnight and a tree had fallen across the driveway to our house and we didn’t have a good flashlight as we walked almost a mile to the house and we were both scared to death and then we had to drive back up to cut the tree up so we could go on to our house.
I remember the time that I won the fur coat in Dallas. I had 12 of my consultants there, including my mother, you, and Christi. I knew I was in the top 50 in the nation. You told me that my mother looked around and told everyone to not get their hopes up because I would not win anything. You told me that Christi burst out crying and my friend, Cherry took her closer to the stage so they could get a picture of me coming out to get my fur coat. Yes, I knew I was in the top 10 when they started numbering us off outside, but I didn’t know where. I remember you telling me how you cheered and clapped as #11 came out onto the stage and the man next to you said, oh is that your wife, I bet you’re really proud of her. And you responded, Hell no, my wife has won a fur coat! You said it made you even happier when I was not #10 or #9, but I was #8.
I remember when I made Director-In Qualification, you sent me flowers at TVA and your card said “Congratulations to my VIP, DIQ, and lover forever, for all things come to him who works his ass off.” You always could make me laugh.
I have a million good memories of you, because you had faith in me and kept telling me how smart I am. I grew up in a very negative family and had a low opinion of myself and you gave me courage to step out and do things that I never thought I could possibly do.
Happy Anniversary, Charles, and I will always love you and I miss you terribly.
DR
9/1/10
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