The Unknown

When my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer and had to have surgery, she was so calm. My dad and I were a nervous wreck. I asked my mother how she could be so calm. Her reply to me was, “I know what I’m facing, it’s the unknown that would scare me.” I have thought so many times about that answer. I thought about it when Charles got sick and the doctors couldn’t find out what was wrong. I knew exactly what she meant. The unknown is a scary thing. You think of all kinds of things—mostly bad. I thought then that Charles would die before they found out what was wrong. Of course, he didn’t right then and he actually had several things wrong with him before he died. I was able to face the things that I knew were happening, but the “unknown” was another story. Now today I am faced with an “unknown.” Well, actually it’s a good “unknown.” As it gets closer to my “out of the country” trip, I am scared, excited, and some more adjectives that I can’t think of right now. How could so many emotions be going on inside of me? I know last year when I flew to California, I was practically hysterical before I left. I couldn’t sleep and I walked the floor. Christi said she had never seen me like that. I guess I had gone to great links to never let her see the vulnerable part of me. It actually brought us a lot closer. She came and helped me pack and took me to the airport. I found out what was really bothering me after I got to the airport—security. After I got through security, I was fine. When I boarded the plane I realized how much I loved to fly. There is something about takeoff that puts me on a “high”—no pun intended. I remember that same feeling the first time I ever flew. Back then your friends or relatives could go to the gate with you. I had just boarded the plane and I remember seeing Charles watching with the look of fear on his face. It wasn’t that he was afraid for me to fly, it was the look of what have I made her do. He always encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and do things that I had never done before. I called him as soon as we landed and I told him how I loved it and he was so relieved. Oh, how I miss that man! He was my biggest supporter! Oh well, he is the one who taught me how I could make it without him. Well, Charles you would be proud of some of things I have accomplished and I’m sure you would be proud of me for my next trip. Well, so much for airing my fears and excitement. I’m sure I’ll be ok and love every minute. It’s just my pre jitters of the “unknown.” DR 5/30/13

Nothing in This World Will Ever Break My Heart Again

I heard this song for the first time on the tv series Nashville. I have to admit I cried all the way through it. My heart has been broken so many times… I wish that I could say with confidence that nothing in this world will ever break my heart again, but I’m only human and I give my heart freely to the ones I love. I know there are others around me who feel the same way and we suffer in silence. I’m afraid to really open up and even tell the ones who have broken my heart. My thoughts are that they don’t really care, or maybe they do and they can’t say anything just like me. I could put the walls up around me again and determine that nobody will ever get close to me again, but do I really want to do that? Life gets so complicated. I sometimes wonder when I look at others just what is really going on inside their heads and minds. I wonder if behind their smiles they’re hurting about something just like me. There are things inside of us that nobody will ever know. It’s so hard to share those things with anybody. You wonder what they’ll think about you. So, I only share my deepest feelings and hurts with the only one who understands me—God. He has been with me through many, many hurts. Thank you God for loving me through all of my failures and helping me to get through it. I know that there are still many good days ahead and I need to accept that. DR 5/25/13

It's Time to Move On....

I made a decision today….it’s time to move on. I really thought I had, but I really haven’t. The first things I need to do is start selling some things. The first thing is the pool table. I don’t shoot pool and actually I keep the door to the pool room closed. When I open the door, all the memories come flooding back. I see all of the pictures on the wall, all the trophies, all the puzzles, and most of all his pool sticks. Why after over three years do these things still bother me? Well, that’s the emotional me. The one that I don’t allow anyone to see. The one who seems to cry a lot. Tonight Masterpiece Theater came on and when the theme music starts, I always cry. I go back to the 80’s when Charles first introduced me to Masterpiece Theater and for that matter, public television. I love so many things on public television. I look around this house and I see Charles everywhere. Sometimes, it doesn’t bother me at all. I guess it’s really bothering me now because I think it’s time for me to leave all of this behind. I need to look at new walls. I need to stop being the hermit that I allow myself to be at times. I’m not as bad as I used to be, but sometimes I can stay in this house for days and never come out, never call anyone, never want to see anyone. I’m not depressed. I hope I don’t sound that way because I’m not. I know that things will never be the way they used to be. I’m only thankful that I have wonderful memories. I had a husband who truly loved me and would do anything for me. What woman would give their eye tooth for that? Some women never experience what I had. Yes, I am thankful. But, I do get lonely. Sometimes the loneliness envelopes me so much that I can’t seem to shake it. I have done well at making myself step out and get involved again. I just don’t understand why the tears come when I am going home or when I hear a certain song or even when I see other couples enjoying each other. I so long to have someone in my life again. My friends say I’m picky. I say I’m selective. But, it’s time to move on. I need a new lease on life. God has truly blessed me and I’m grateful. Doors have started opening for me and with each one I am truly amazed. I can see Jeremiah 29:11 working in my life. It’s just that I’m such an impatient person. People tell me it will happen in God’s time. I tell them, I don’t have that much time left. I’m going to use every minute of my life to the fullest. I have so many things I still want to do. Sometimes I procrastinate though. Sometimes I get lazy in my pursuit of getting things done. I also get overwhelmed at times. Well, it seems I’m rambling on and on again. But, it’s time to move on…. DR 5/19/13

Why????

I’ve gotten all involved in watching a trial on tv. It has been fascinating to say the least. I’m not alone in the fascination of this trial, so are some of my relatives. Today it has been so heartbreaking to hear the brother and sister of the murdered victim speak. I have seen three deaths in the past three years, but they were normal deaths. They were heartbreaking to me, but I just can’t imagine how I would feel if someone close to me were murdered, or rather stabbed 29 times, their throat slashed from ear to ear, and also shot in the head. It was very painful to listen to his brother and sister talk about how his murder had affected their lives and also how it has affected their entire family. A normal death is hard to bear, but this, and to sit in that courtroom for five months with the confessed killer would be more than anyone could stand. The murderer has yet to show any remorse. It is really bad when your own defense attorneys asked to be released from defending you right before the jury comes back with their verdict. Of course, the judge denied their request. I just know that when this trial is over, please, please, somebody take my television away from me if I ever say anything about watching another trial! I’m just glad that this one should be over before I leave for my trip to Europe. I need to think about fun! DR 5/16/13

Happy Mother's Day

Today was a busy day. Seems I was on the road all day, first going to Cleveland and then to Ringgold. I decided to go by Hamrick’s on my way home. I parked in a spot that reminded me of one time when I took my mother there. We used to go to Hamrick’s each week. The reason we did was because I would go to my mother’s house when Charles played on his pool team and we would go by Hamrick’s on my way to get gas. Back then the gas was cheaper in Georgia. Anyway, we knew everything in the store. My mother loved, loved Hamrick’s. As I went in today, I thought a lot about her. I remember how I spent more time hunting her than actually shopping. When I would see where she was at I would continue looking around. Sometimes we would never buy anything. Women just love to look. I went back to the shoes and there I saw a woman with her mother. I so wanted to tell the daughter to be thankful for the time she was spending with her mother and that I wish my mother were there with me. As I left the store, two men were sitting in the foyer waiting on their wives. One man said to the other, when I go shopping I know exactly what I want. I go in, I get it, and I leave. I had to chuckle to myself. Men just don’t get it. I heard that remark from my husband so many times. Well, Happy Mother’s Day to my mother. Her spirit was definitely with me today. DR 5/10/13

Happy Birthday Christi - May 7, 2013

It seems like only yesterday when I first saw you. I was amazed that God answered my prayer in detail. I had prayed for a brown haired, blued eyed little girl. Of course it was a while before I saw those blue eyes, but you had so much hair! I was so blessed! I had never been around any babies before, so I didn’t know anything! When I say anything, I mean anything! I had already bought a reference book and I had signed up for Tidy Didy diaper service. I was so nervous when I dressed you to come home from the hospital. When I got you home I needed to change your diaper. I thought oh no, I’ve never changed any diapers before. So luckily Tidy Didy had put a “how to” sheet in my first batch of prefolded diapers. This is before Pampers and all of the other kinds of diapers we have today. I laid you down beside the how to sheet, got the prefolded diaper and put it under you and all I had to do was pull the diaper up and pin on both sides. I felt so dumb! But, at the same time I thought how easy was that??? Well, that was the beginning of motherhood for me. You were born on Friday before Mother’s Day that year, and I thought what a wonderful gift I had received that year. You’ve never disappointed me. You were my special gift from God. It was the very first time that I had so believed that God would give me exactly what I had asked for, and this was before sonograms. Yes, God wants to bless us with what we want. You have turned out to be a wonderful, beautiful Christian woman who loves her husband and boys. Yes, God knew what he was doing. I love you Christi. I hope you have many more happy birthdays. DR 5/7/13

As Time Goes By

Tonight I watched one of my favorite programs on the public station, As Time Goes By. It’s a story of a couple who fell in love 38 years before. He was in the Army and she was a nurse. He went off to war and he wrote to her but she never received the letters, and she wrote to him but he never received her letters. Well, to make a long story short they married other people—he divorced and her husband died. They found each other again after 38 years and married. It’s a wonderful story and I love the song. Sometimes I daydream that maybe some day that will happen to me. Oh, I really can’t go into the “who” here. I just know that hearing the song again and watching the program brought back many memories. DR 5/4/13

Some Days are Diamonds, Some Days are Stone

I listened to this song tonight and it made me feel so sad. I try to make all of my days “diamonds”, but sometimes they just end up being “stones.” It talks about the face that I see in my mirror, and yes my face does look like a stranger to me sometimes. It seems that this past year I am trying to find “me.” It has been long time since I am just “me.” In the past I was a wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, employee and the list can go on. I am a different person to each of these people, but I am no longer a wife or daughter. Mother’s Day is coming up and I thought there is no one for me to buy for. And now I wear a white rose instead of the red one. All of a sudden I think back and wonder where did all of the time go? We take things for granted until we no longer have them. I’ve made a lot of changes in my life and I’m not done. There is still so much “living” to do. I am still a mother and grandmother. Someday I may be a great grandmother. My oldest grandson introduced me to his girlfriend as his “hot” grandmother. I hope to keep that title. What lies ahead? I don’t know. I hope to make everyday a “diamond” day, but I know that there are still some stones ahead. I just want to make them “stepping” stones to get back to the diamonds again. It seems that after midnight is when I start all of this deep thinking. Maybe I should go to bed and think about the diamond day I will have tomorrow. Fridays are always good. DR 5/3/13