It's Time to Move On....

I made a decision today….it’s time to move on. I really thought I had, but I really haven’t. The first things I need to do is start selling some things. The first thing is the pool table. I don’t shoot pool and actually I keep the door to the pool room closed. When I open the door, all the memories come flooding back. I see all of the pictures on the wall, all the trophies, all the puzzles, and most of all his pool sticks. Why after over three years do these things still bother me? Well, that’s the emotional me. The one that I don’t allow anyone to see. The one who seems to cry a lot. Tonight Masterpiece Theater came on and when the theme music starts, I always cry. I go back to the 80’s when Charles first introduced me to Masterpiece Theater and for that matter, public television. I love so many things on public television. I look around this house and I see Charles everywhere. Sometimes, it doesn’t bother me at all. I guess it’s really bothering me now because I think it’s time for me to leave all of this behind. I need to look at new walls. I need to stop being the hermit that I allow myself to be at times. I’m not as bad as I used to be, but sometimes I can stay in this house for days and never come out, never call anyone, never want to see anyone. I’m not depressed. I hope I don’t sound that way because I’m not. I know that things will never be the way they used to be. I’m only thankful that I have wonderful memories. I had a husband who truly loved me and would do anything for me. What woman would give their eye tooth for that? Some women never experience what I had. Yes, I am thankful. But, I do get lonely. Sometimes the loneliness envelopes me so much that I can’t seem to shake it. I have done well at making myself step out and get involved again. I just don’t understand why the tears come when I am going home or when I hear a certain song or even when I see other couples enjoying each other. I so long to have someone in my life again. My friends say I’m picky. I say I’m selective. But, it’s time to move on. I need a new lease on life. God has truly blessed me and I’m grateful. Doors have started opening for me and with each one I am truly amazed. I can see Jeremiah 29:11 working in my life. It’s just that I’m such an impatient person. People tell me it will happen in God’s time. I tell them, I don’t have that much time left. I’m going to use every minute of my life to the fullest. I have so many things I still want to do. Sometimes I procrastinate though. Sometimes I get lazy in my pursuit of getting things done. I also get overwhelmed at times. Well, it seems I’m rambling on and on again. But, it’s time to move on…. DR 5/19/13