Christmas 2013

Today is Christmas Eve and my heart is so heavy and so sad. I’ve never had a brother, but my cousin Leon feels like a brother to me. He was so good to my dad when he was in assistant living. I would take Leon so he could cut my dad’s hair. At one time, I think he was cutting every man’s hair that lived there. Then when Charles got so bad, Leon would come over every night and just sit and talk to Charles. He kept Charles’ hair cut and also shaved him. One night Leon was coming in and Charles said, Leon is that you? Leon of course said yes. Charles said, “I love you Leon.” I can still hear Leon laugh as he said, “well Charles I love you too!” Then Charles said, “But Leon, I REALLY LOVE you!” Charles was not the type to show his emotions like that, and I will never forget it. Leon is a year younger than me, and Leon always liked to tell everybody that. Of course, it isn’t even a full year. After Charles died, Leon and I became very close. He helped me with so many things at my house, and he also went with me to some places. One morning he went with me when I was having some blood work done. When I came out, he said, “Let’s go to Nancy and Bobby’s house.” I called to make sure they were home and off we went. When we would leave, we would usually be gone until dark. One night he built a great big bon fire and nobody would sit down there with us. We sat by the fire and talked and talked. His granddaughter, Kristin, said we were just alike. I asked her, how? Kristin said, “You and Poppy just strike up conversations with complete strangers.” A couple of months ago, Leon and Debbie learned something terrible—cancer. I’ve never seen anyone go down so fast. I’m losing one of my best friends. I just can’t understand why, but I know that God’s timing is never our timing. My mother-in-law told me one time that if you live long enough, you will see more and more of your friends and family die. I’m beginning to see that more and more. I can only say that it is not easy. There are no words to describe the pain and the sense of not knowing what to do. I told Leon today that I loved him, and he responded back to me, “I’ve always loved you.” He reached up and held my hand. Oh Leon, I feel so much at a loss. I thought we had a bunch more years to have fun. I guess God wants you more. DR 12/24/13

Fantasies

We all have fantasies or sometimes I have called them my dreams. One of my fantasies is to be able to do the Viennese Waltz. I can picture myself in a beautiful long flowing gown and gliding all over a marble type floor with a wonderful dance partner. I have learned to do the basic steps in a waltz, but I would love to be able to be an expert. Well, so much for that fantasy. But, who knows, it may come true. Sometimes our fantasies do come true, only to become a nightmare. You may have had some of those. Even though you have had some to materialize and not really be as wonderful as you had imagined, don’t give up. Don’t stop dreaming. What do you think the most about? If you’re like me, you become too busy to even think about dreaming or fantasizing. Life with all of its complications may have become too much of a hassle. I had dreamed of a lifetime with my husband—well that didn’t work out. I went through a time of wondering what do I do now? So, here I go again, dreaming of what could happen in the “golden” years of my life. I can still remember my mother saying that whoever called these the golden years must have been crazy, because all my mother had seen was “rust.” We can get that way, thinking that life has dealt us a bad hand. My mother lived a long life and she only had a few years that were bad and actually the last few she didn’t even know how bad it really was and I’m very thankful for that. Well, fantasies/dreams? What are yours? Think about it. DR 9/17/13

Cell Phone Blues

I never really knew how much I was attached to my cell phone until the unthinkable happened. I’ve heard stories of other people who have dropped their phone in the lake or dropped it and it shattered or a bunch of other crazy stories, but for me to drop my phone into the toilet was absolutely one of the craziest things I’ve ever done. I never put my phone in my back pocket, but I did. I forgot it was there and well, you can imagine the rest. I dried it off, used a hair dryer, put it in rice over night. Nothing worked. My phone was dead. I had just gotten my phone about 2 months ago. I need my phone because of my work. The first thing I did was get a temporary phone. It took me all day to just learn to “answer” a call. Then, of course, the laughter of my friends—well, family. My family thought it was hilarious. My cousin even had the sound of my phone hitting the water—which by the way, I did not hear when it happened. This happened on Friday and I had to wait until Monday to get my new phone. I discovered that my insurance did not cover “water” damage. Of course, just my luck. I finally got my phone and I had a backup from my previous Iphone 4. When my daughter tried to recover it all, it required a password. Neither one of us remembered putting a password on that. We tried every password we had ever used—nothing worked. Fortunately, she recovered my apps from ITunes. She downloaded each one separately. I got most of my things back, but I also lost some things. It was a costly, time consuming, nerve wracking experience. I even bought a new cover that is waterproof, dustproof, and snow proof. Guess what? I can’t use it. I went out to show houses and my adapter for the ekey would not fit. I had to remove the cover. I just hope that Verizon will let me get my money back. My advice to all cell phone owners—this could happen to you. I never thought that I would be a victim. DR 9/6/13

Broken Dreams

I am about to tell a story about me that very few people know about. Some of the things that have been happening lately concerning pastors/churches has really brought this terrible thing back to my memory. In 1975 my husband and I quit our jobs here in Chattanooga to serve in full time ministry. We were so excited. We had made several visits to this church and felt that God was really calling us there. I knew after about a week or two that we might be in a situation that was going to be bad. We arrived at the church to go visiting. The pastor called my husband into another room and told him that I could not go on visitation because my dress was too short. Evidently he saw me when I was getting out of the car and my skirt must have been above my knees. Regardless, my skirt was below my knees when I stood up. Anyone who knew me back then knew that I was a very conservative person. I made all of my clothes and made sure that they were not offensive in any way. I had to sit there until everyone got back. I felt so humiliated. After we got home, the pastor’s wife called me and asked me why I was trying to entice her husband. Entice her husband???? Today I would have told her that if I wanted to entice somebody they would not be old, fat, bald, and wear ugly black glasses. As we stayed, every three months the pastor would call both of us in. I wasn’t even on the payroll but I got a lecture every three months. We could not do anything right. I could go into so much detail as to a lot of the things that happened, but as time went on, we knew that it didn’t matter how we left, it would be terrible. We learned that the pastor had stood a deacon and his entire family in front of the church and told all of the terrible things they had done and had the church vote them out. The previous associate pastor and his wife had to stand in front of the church while the pastor proceeded to tell all of the bad things they had done. The church not only voted them out, but went to their house and sat all of their furniture out in the yard. We heard these stories when we visited members trying to get them to come back to church. We knew that this would happen to us—there was no way of getting out of it. So my husband resigned at a deacon’s meeting. The pastor got so angry that he turned blood red and threw his glasses across the table. He said you can’t. My husband said, I just did and walked out. The pastor lost his chance to stand us in front of the church. The next week was like a week in hell. We proceeded to get all of our things packed and get out of the house. Oh, did I forget to tell that by this time I was teaching kindergarten there and I dearly loved all of those children. The pastor went to each family and told them what a bad person I was. After we got back to Chattanooga we received an 11 page letter written by the pastor. He went into detail about all of the things that he thought we had done so badly. He made copies of that letter and handed it out to every church member and also mailed that same letter to several pastors here in Chattanooga. I took the letter to my attorney and he told me that this man must really be crazy because the things he wrote were just crazy. I wanted to sue him so bad for slander but my attorney said that this man would probably love to have a good fight. He said to ignore it and it would probably drive him crazy. I don’t know who went crazy because I had nightmares every night and had to go on nerve medicine. I couldn’t believe a man of God could treat anyone like he was treating us. We truly thought that we would be serving God and instead it felt like we went straight to hell. It didn’t even end there. When we finally decided to move our “letter” to a church here in Chattanooga, we told our pastor that he would probably get that 11 page letter. Well not only did he get that one but the pastor wrote another personal letter. He outlined how the church had grown while we were there and how it dropped off to half its size when we left. Did he not realize that he was the cause of the loss of membership? We didn’t talk to anyone there except one deacon and his family whom we had gotten close to. We knew that the people loved us. During the summer they filled our car with vegetables. At Christmas my high school girls’ Sunday school class took me to Montgomery for dinner and gave me a present. They loved going on visitation with me. Oh, and about my high school girls class. One of the girls got pregnant. She was the daughter of one of the deacons. The girls and I wanted her to know that we loved her so we planned a baby shower. I got a phone call from the pastor. He told me that not only could I not give her a shower but I could not attend a shower or give her a present. It would be like the church putting its ok on premarital sex. I told him that God had forgiven her and so had we. He said you heard what I said. After we left that church this girl married the baby’s father. They had a little girl. One night it was raining and they ran off the road and hit a telephone pole and killed all three of them plus another friend in the back seat. I wanted to go to her funeral, but guess who was going to do the funeral? You guessed right the same pastor who said I couldn’t give her a baby shower. I lived in fear of this man until after I had married Charles. Charles and I had gone back to the church we got married in for a homecoming. The pastor who married us had moved to Georgia but he was the preacher that day. I told Charles we had to go to let him know we were still married and happy. The church was packed. They introduced some of the preachers there and the first one was, you guessed it, my biggest fear was right there in that church! I told Charles I had to speak to him after the service. I went over to the fellowship hall where everyone was eating and I went up to him and he stood up to shake my hand. He kept looking at my name tag and I introduced myself as Diane Rizzo but you know me better as Diane Gasaway. I had a death grip on his hand. I could tell he wanted to let go. His wife looked down at her plate and never looked up at me. I smiled so big at him and it was like the heaviest weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I faced my fear and I think he was actually afraid of me. Charles told me he wished he could have video taped his face. He said his expression changed from smiling to like he wanted to bolt and run. Well, I’ve told most of this story. But I just think that Christians don’t act like that. It took me a long time to recover, but it taught me a lesson. We answer to God. Not all Christians are really Christians. We should pray and help one another. There was only one perfect person, Jesus, and I am certainly not even close to perfect. I try to treat others the way I would like to be treated. I have found that kindness outweighs any ugly words that you can ever say to another person. This was hard for me to write. It is tough sharing something this humiliating. But, it became a stepping stone. I never want to set myself up as judge and jury against someone. Would Jesus had treated anyone like that? And there you have one of my broken dreams. DR 8/23/13

Dunkin' Donuts

Construction started a couple of months ago on Signal Mountain Road beside the new Zaxby’s and Baskin Robbins. I had heard that it would be Starbucks and I’m really not crazy about Starbucks. Today I passed by and the signs were up—Dunkin’ Donuts. I immediately thought back to something that happened years ago. One night Charles and I had a terrible argument. It must not have been too serious because I don’t even remember what it was over. Anyway, we were in our Chattanooga apartment and he stormed out and it was 11 p.m. After about an hour when he didn’t come back, I started calling our house on Lookout Mountain. I thought he was probably being stubborn and just not answering. So, I got into my car, I had an RX7 at the time, and drove home. Boy at 1 o’clock in the morning going down that mile long driveway was really scary. I parked and the house was all dark and no Charles. I went into the house just to check and see if he had been there, but it didn’t look like it. I left to go back to Chattanooga. I got to the foot of the mountain when a Nissan truck flew past me. I thought there he goes. So I turned around and went back up the mountain and went down that dark driveway again and when I got to the house, still no Charles. I got back into my car and headed toward Chattanooga. By this time, I was praying and asking God to please keep him safe. All the time I was still calling his cell phone and the phone in Chattanooga. I was beside myself until I turned into the driveway and there sat Charles’ truck and the lights inside were all off. I burst into the door turning on the lights and asking him where he had been. He said he didn’t want to talk about it and just come to bed. I didn’t want to come to bed, I wanted to know why he wouldn’t answer any phone. He just said, come to bed. So reluctantly I went to bed and in the stillness and quietness and darkness, I realized where he had been. I asked, “What kind of donut did you have with your hot chocolate?” He giggled and said “Toasted Coconut, how did you know?” I said “That’s the only place open this late.” So, all was well. I had to get up early to meet a friend for breakfast at the Cracker Barrel. It was my birthday. She handed me my card and it said, “To my warm and crazy friend.” I laughed and said, do you want to know how crazy??? DR 8/21/13

Dreams

I shared a flash dance of a waltz by Tchaikovsky on Face Book. It put me in my fantasy world of being able to waltz to that. I’ve always wanted to be able to dance and if I could just waltz to that, it would be wonderful. But, there is at least one thing that I need to do to copy the dream. I need to be in a beautiful long, flowing dress. I could picture myself waltzing this time because I have learned how. When I listen to classical music it always puts me in another world. It puts me in the world of dreams and hopes and where everything is wonderful. It takes me back in time. I can remember as a little girl I loved to read because I could become the character in my books and live that fantasy. Where do all of our hopes and dreams go? Why do we not hold onto them? I guess the reality of life sets in. That’s why it’s so wonderful when you listen to songs like this, you can close your eyes and all of a sudden you’re in a different world. DR 8/15/13

Worry

I don’t know why I have this problem of “worry.” I seem to worry about everything. I worry if I look ok. I worry if I’m going to say something to somebody and they take it wrong. I worry that somebody may not like me. I want everybody to like me, but I know there must be some people who probably hate me. I have to admit that I don’t have anyone in my life that I hate. I do worry that I will not find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t worry about that as much as I used to though. It seems the longer that I am alone, the better I like it. I think that you have to like yourself and enjoy your own company. I seem to get along with myself pretty well. I worry about my daughter, son-in-law, and I especially worry about my grandsons. So far, I think I have two wonderful grandsons and they are good. Oh, they have their moments, but they are always good to me. When I need hugs, I just go over to Christi’s and get plenty of them there. They tell me I look good, and I think everybody needs to hear that every once in a while. I’ve never thought that I’m pretty, so I try to make up for it in personality. Well, I worry about that too. Sometimes I think I talk too much, and I worry about that, but Chloe never talks to me, so if I talk a lot to you, I apologize in advance. Just tell me to shut up. Then I’ll worry about you telling me to shut up. Do you get where I’m going? I worry about any and everything. Oh, how I wish I could never worry about anything, but that wouldn’t be me. Well, now that I’ve said all of this, I’ll worry about what people will say about all of the things I’ve said about worry. Oh well…… DR 8/10/13

Everything Happens For a Reason

I have seen good come out of a lot of bad things that have happened—even to me. Today my dance instructor told me that their lease will not be renewed and I asked what does that mean? He said it means he needs to look for a job. We talked about this is not the worse thing that can happen. I told him that to me, death is the worst thing that could ever happen, and I have survived even that. We agreed that sometimes when these things happen, it forces us to do something else. I told him to take his passion and make it happen. Those are some words that have stuck in my mind from the song, Flashdance. I have been searching for my passion. I really still do not know what it is. I don’t know if you have ever felt like this, but when something bad has happened to me, I just want to crawl into a shell and wish I could die. I know I keep telling myself that in five years it won’t matter any more. When I look back on a lot of things, I wish I could have handled myself differently. I wish that I could have known what I would find out later. Guess that would be like a fortune teller, and I don’t think anyone can predict the future. I just know that if these things never happened, we would stay in the same old rut that we get so accustomed to. I never thought even a year ago that I would be taking dancing lessons and loving it the way that I do. And to think that I had to get the courage to make that phone call to sign up. Nobody believes that I am the introvert that I really am. I have to make myself do a lot of things. I’m getting better though. I really hate to lose my instructor. I’ve just gotten attached to him and he likes all the crazy stuff I say and do. Today we worked on a turn and he kept saying you’re making it so much harder than it really is. When I finally did it, yes, I was making it way harder. Which dance do I like best? Well, I was really wanting to get more involved with the Tango. I asked Rob when could I wrap my leg around him? Oh, he just shakes his head. Well, they have a picture hanging on the wall with that very thing. I guess my favorite is the waltz. No, I like the Rumba, well, I like the foxtrot too. They are all very similar. But my all time favorite is the hustle. It is so much like what we used to dance when I was a teenager. Oh, am I reliving those years? I think I’m just beginning to live again. DR

Am I Too Old For This???

I had lunch with Brenda last week and we both realized that we have a lot in common. It’s so hard to find single women who still want to be active and do things. After two years I found Debbie and we went on a cruise together—my first. It still scares me half to death to do some of the things that I do. First of all, what if I mess up? What will people say about me? Well, I have started putting all of that aside and just put myself out there. Brenda asked me if I wanted to meet her Saturday and have dinner and then go dancing. Of course I said yes, but I thought I will be sitting there like a knot on a log. She said oh no, you will have a good time. I have to admit I was a little scared. I did dance with a couple of guys but I ended up dancing with a man named Paul who was a really good dancer. I asked him if he takes lessons and he said yes. I had a ball with him. I left that place soaking wet! I told him he was wearing me out and he said that he thought it was the other way around. I have to tell you, Paul is just a little older than my daughter. It’s hard to keep up with somebody that young! As Brenda and I were leaving I told Brenda that the beautiful bike outside the door belonged to Paul. About that time Paul came out and Brenda said Diane wants her picture on your bike! I wanted it for my grandson who loves motorcycles. You know, he told me he thinks I’m the “coolest” grandmother ever. Well, it was a little difficult getting on, and then Brenda said you two act like you like each other. So, there you have it! There is no attachment between the two of us, just fun. I may sit on a motorcycle, but I’m not sure I ever want to be on one when it is moving. They scare me. How am I today? I could barely get out of bed. I have to admit I had a lot of fun and I’m glad there was somebody there who knew how to dance—not that I’m that good, but it was fun! DR 8/4/2013

Waffle Waffle

I’ve had this one on my mind for a while so I might as well get it out. I know I must have some of the worst dating experiences. Yes, I’ve been on some of the dating sites. They are not the glamorous sites as they make them out to be. I don’t know where they get those gorgeous hunks, but that has not been my experience. I do show up and meet them, not that there have been that many, but this is the worst one. This guy said that he is a college professor and lived in another city not far from here. I should have known when he wanted to meet at the Waffle House that there had to be something wrong with him. Well, that morning I took Chloe to the groomer and I headed to the Waffle House in East Ridge. I got there early and had to go to the bathroom. When I came out, I saw a man in the parking lot walking back and forth. He was thin, sway backed, and when the wind blew he had a few locks of hair that stood up about a foot from his head. I stood there thinking, I cannot meet this man, I will throw up in my plate of eggs and toast. I went back to the bathroom and decided that I couldn’t just hang in there because somebody would be wanting to go. I went back out and kind of crept toward the window so I could see if he was still out there. Yep, there he was and that foot of hair still waving in the air. I turned around and saw that everybody in the Waffle House was watching me. Did you know there is not a back door in those places? I looked. How in the world was I going to get out of there? I would back up and then creep up to peep out that window. All of a sudden he disappeared. I thought here’s my chance to get out of here. I went through the first door and as I started out the main door, he was coming in. I glanced at him and said “hey” and eyes straight ahead and as fast as I could walk I headed to my car. I got in and never looking back I got out of there as quickly as I could. I got an email later asking me if that was me he passed as he started into the Waffle House. I finally responded and told him that I had an emergency, you know I’m in real estate….. I felt really bad about standing him up, but I think he would have felt worse with me throwing up in front of him. I just couldn’t, wouldn’t see him. I told my aunt and uncle and of course, Bobby couldn’t stop laughing. So this is where I got the title, Bobby called him Waffle Waffle. Oh why do I do these stupid things. Where oh where are the handsome ones they show on tv? I’m sure they are actors. Of course the men could say the same thing about the women. Oh such is life in the dating world. I recommend that you stay away from the dating sites. I don’t know where you need to meet somebody, but just take your chances. You may get a “Waffle Waffle.” DR 7/24/13

Feelings

I don’t know where all of these feelings come from. I try to make a list of all of the good things in my life, and there are many. On the outside it looks like I have everything going in my favor. Charles left me in good shape. He told me that I would realize one day how much he really loved me, and I realize that everyday. The only thing is now I’m living a lonely life. Yes, I have friends and I have a good time. I have a family that loves me. How many grandmothers can say that their grandsons think they’re either “hot” or a really “cool” grandmother. I like that my grandsons want to spend time with me and enjoy being with me. I took Jonathan on one of my rides in the convertible. I got him back home at 1 a.m. and he said, you know everybody your age is in bed. I don’t know really what that means, but I do like to have fun as long as I can. All I can do is thank God that I have good health and I know that with each experience I have had, I use it as a positive stepping stone. I lived in “limbo” for so long. When my parents and my husband first got sick, it made me angry. Yes, I admit that I was so angry. My life was not my own anymore. I devoted everything to them. After a while I got used to it and I wasn’t angry anymore. I don’t regret one moment I spent with each of them. It was hard. The hardest part was watching the people I loved slowly die. The people who were so independent and could do everything on their own and make decisions on their own could no longer do any of those things. I went to a support group one time. I never went to another one because no one had any idea what I was going through. I’m not saying any of this to get sympathy, but nobody can comprehend both their parents and husband all dying at the same time. My mother died two weeks before my husband. I saw how we’re only one breath away from death. I was jealous that they knew what heaven was like before I would ever know. No, I’m not ready to go today, but I got to see God’s dying grace first hand. Feelings, sometimes I wish I didn’t have any. Sometimes I think I have too much to feel. The only way I can get these feelings out is by writing down how I feel on paper. There is so much going on in my head and nobody to tell it to. So, if you’re reading this, thanks for reading. I don’t know if you can even understand how I feel. I never thought in a million years that I would be in the place I’m in right now. I thank God that I had a husband who thought ahead for my welfare. I don’t know how I got so lucky to get such a wonderful person in my life. I just wish I could have had him a little longer. Well, I should never have these feelings that I feel such despair, but I do. When you see me, you won’t see this side of me. Basically I’m a very happy person and thankful for everything I have. But, I can’t ignore these feelings of despair and loneliness that I get. Oh, I’ll get ready and get out of here and I’ll have fun and laugh. Until then, here I sit with tears streaming down my face. Thank you God that I can still feel. DR 7/22/13

Dancing

When I was a teenager, we loved to dance. Back then we called it “The Bop”. But I have always loved rock n roll music. Now, remember I am an introvert, so the only people I ever danced with were my relatives and some of my friends. Well, I did dance with some of my boyfriends—not that I ever had that many. My parents were really strict on me and wouldn’t let me do or go a lot of places. I guess I’m finally living my dreams at this later stage of my life. I finally got up the nerve to call to see about ballroom dancing. I love Dancing with the Stars and I have always wanted to be able to waltz and do the fast dances too. I started my lessons this week and Rob, my instructor, has been wonderful. The first day he said that I needed good balance and not be a klutz—I said, oh no, we’re already in trouble! He said it was ok, he would teach me balance. Our first Friday night dance was last night and I have had more fun than I can think of in a long time. I think I have finally found my passion. I hope my health continues to be good so I can keep this up. My favorite dance is the “Hustle.” I compare it to the “Bop.” One song was six minutes long. Rob said, oh, did I forget to tell you this one is six minutes long? I told Rob and Travis they were trying to kill me. I guess I really got into it because I went over to Christi’s afterward and when I got up to leave, I could barely walk. She and Scott laughed and laughed. I had to laugh too. What better way to relieve stress and forget about all of the worries in the world but by dancing. I can’t wait to go back to the “Senior Dance” in August. Boy, am I going to show them a thing or two. I dance with a guy named Joe a lot and he always want to “waltz”. I think after my few lessons that he’s doing it wrong. He’s the one I’m going to show some of my new steps to. He told me that he feels the music on the inside of him. I completely understand what he’s saying. I feel it too, but now I’m learning to express it better. If you have a passion and you’re scared to try it, step out and go for it. That’s what I’m doing. DR 7/20/13

My Past

This evening I went to the funeral home. I don’t talk a lot about my past, but this was Joe who had died and I had known him since I was 16. All of his sisters were there, and it was like time had stood still. They still call me Aunt Diane. Darlene is the youngest sister and boy is she a talker. It’s so hard to believe that I still remember her as a little girl. In fact, all of them were really young back then. They wanted me to go back over to their mother’s house so we could talk. Of course their mother is now gone. When I drove up in front of the house, the memories came flooding back. I have to admit that it was depressing to me when I first walked in. That part of my life seems to have been blocked out of my memory. I don’t know why it affected me like that, but it soon went away because they pulled out old pictures and we sat and talked and drank coffee. Christi and Scott came over too. I told them that I gave a speech at Toastmasters that introduced me to the group and the title was “I’ve Led Three Lives.” My first life was growing up with my parents, the second life was my first marriage, and of course the third life was my life with Charles. I guess you could say that I am now in my fourth life. I’m not sure how to explain this current life because I’m still discovering who I am now. All of these nieces are from my second life. It was as if we had all been together all these years. It was a lot of fun to be with them again. Why do we let things stand in the way of seeing people from our past? I guess when you divorce you think those people don’t want to be around you anymore. Or maybe it was my feeling when I drove up in front of Juanita’s house, sadness overcame me. I have been through so much sadness, I try to steer away from it as much as possible. The funny thing is, you can’t avoid it. It is so sad that we only see some of these people when someone dies. Why can’t we see them at a happier time? I’m glad that I went and I’m so glad that I saw everyone. DR 7/18/13

I'm An Introvert

I told one of my friends that today and she laughed. She said, no you’re not! I said, but I am. I have to really talk to myself to do some things. I’ve always been this way, only a lot worse in my younger years. I couldn’t make an oral book report. I would throw up constantly the night before just thinking about it. I did become very comfortable in front of people when I was doing Image Workshops. I even started going to Toastmasters to build my self confidence. Yesterday I had to talk myself into going to something by myself. Now I’m so proud of myself that I had the courage to do it. I guess I give the image that I’m very outgoing and happy all of the time. I’m not. I have started working more and walking to get my mind off of the things that really bother me. You don’t see the real me. The “me” that comes home to loneliness. The “me” who sometimes still cries herself to sleep. The “me” who is afraid to let others know the “real Diane.” There are very few people who have come to know the “real me.” I guess everyone is pretty much the same way. I really don’t know. I just know that the introvert in me prevents you to get “too close” to me. I may look like on the outside that I have everything all together and that I have a pretty much wonderful life. That’s you looking at the outside of me. I have to admit that I am happier than I was even a year ago. It has taken a lot of work on my part to get past all the “bad” memories of the years that I watched the three people closest to me die. If Charles were here, he would tell me that this is part of life. He always knew that he would die before me because he was so much older. He taught me a lot about life. Yes, I’ve had a lot of “challenges” since he died. I really miss his off the wall sense of humor, especially when I’ve had a difficult day. I could tell him anything and he was never judgmental of me. I wonder if I will ever find someone like that again. I told my friend Jeanie that I’m not looking anymore. She told me that I don’t have to, he will find me. Of course I asked her where should I be standing. I want to make sure he finds me. Why does life have to be full of such bad things? When I was young, I thought that people the age I am right now, had one foot already in the grave. I feel like my life has just begun. I still have so many things I want to do. Some of the things absolutely scare me to death, but I’m going to take that risk and do them. Oh, they’re not anything bad. But like I said, I’m really an introvert. I have to talk myself into doing most of the things that I do. I came really close to not going to Europe, and I would have missed some of the most wonderful places to see. The pictures in books or even videos on the travel channel do not compare to seeing the real thing. Sometimes, we just need to be open to new ideas, new opportunies, and just take the chance. I still have some memories of what Charles would tell me, and if you see me smile a little crazy, I’m probably thinking of one of them. Thank you Charles for still helping me to live—even if I have to be alone. DR 7/14/13

Independence Day

Yesterday I was in the doctor’s office and I was very relaxed and started thinking about Independence Day. The thought that came to my mind was a conversation with Charles before we got married. I told him there were two things that I did not want in our vows—I would never be submissive and I would not ever obey. He looked at me and said, “I want you to learn to be independent and learn to do things on your own.” I can truly say he taught me how to be independent. As I was thinking about this, a song started playing. I had not paid any attention to the music that was playing, it was all instrumental and none of the music was familiar to me until this one started playing, it was Lord of the Dance. This was Charles’ favorite song. I couldn’t control the tears. I felt like he was with me again. Just when you think you have control of your emotions, something like this happens again. I had not heard that song since he died. Why did it come on at that exact moment? I can’t explain it. I’m thankful that I have such wonderful memories. I could not have made it if Charles had not taught me to be independent. I just wish I had listened more. He told me that I would realize after he was gone just how much he really loved me. I thought I knew while he was living, but as always, he was right again. I look around and realize he really did love me. I feel lucky and blessed because some people will never have what I had and at the time I didn’t even realize what I had. God blessed me with a wonderful man who truly gave me my independence. He let me be me. If you knew me years ago, you will remember the person that I was—very shy and unsure of myself. Charles encouraged me. He told me I was smart and he meant it. One time he said, you’re way smarter than I even thought. I had to laugh. Yes, I still miss him. But, he also taught me that I can be me, even without him. Thank you Charles for giving me the chance to be “just me.” DR

Blondie

I have a cd by Blondie and I call a couple of the songs my convertible songs. This morning when I was going back home from our morning walk, “Heart of Glass” by Blondie came on the radio. It made me think about a date I had. Yes, I have dates that I never talk about and I’m skeptical to even mention this one at all, but here goes. He is the youngest person I have gone out with, but I just had to take him up on it since he was only 48. I told him that I was old enough to be his mother, but he liked me. So, of course we out a few times. I took him for a ride in my convertible one night and when he got in, I looked at him and said, “I guess you know you’re taking your life into your own hands getting in the car with me.” He looked at me and said, “But you promised you wouldn’t put me out anywhere.” We both laughed and I told him I drive fast and I play my music loud. He said that was fine, so we took off. After a while I told him that I guessed that my music was pretty different from the music he plays on the radio. He was a dj on one of the stations. He replied that he was surprised that I like Blondie. I asked why and he replied that most people down here like country music. So, every time I listen to Blondie I think of him. Yes, he was too young for me but we had fun. He moved back to Kentucky to help his parents. DR 6/26/13

My Old Boss

Today I left my office to go get me something to eat and I passed the house where my favorite boss used to live. He died two months before my husband died. I knew his wife and thought why not stop in and say hello. I went up to the door and she was sitting there. She came to the door and just said, Diane! I went in and she hugged me. She said it was so good to see me. Her son Randy was also there. I told Randy I had heard so much about him and that was the first time I had ever met him. It was wonderful to sit and talk about Joe. He was the best boss I ever had. My fondest memory is when he created a job for me. Well, let me back up. He was over Safety and was moved to be over Administrative Services. He told me who my new boss would be and I said oh I really like him. Joe said you will not like him. Well, after two weeks I went to Joe and told him my new boss was the worst boss I ever had. Joe just said I told you. Joe had a secretary who eventually retired and they downgraded that position. Joe refused to hire anyone at that grade level. Guess it was an ego thing. Well, the director of our division came to Joe and told him that he was going to have to do something about the girls who filled in the director’s office. He said they didn’t dress appropriately, chewed gum, and just didn’t fit the picture of what the director’s office should be. Joe called me down to his office the next morning and he said I have fixed your problem and my problem. He said he sat straight up in bed the night before and said my problem and Diane’s problem is solved. He said Joyce said what in the world are you talking about. Anyway, he wrote a job description just for me. I would only be working for him and when someone in the director’s office or the Office of Power would be out, I would fill in. I was already part of the director’s office and knew how everything worked. I told him I would have to think about it. Well, he said a few little words I can’t mention here but he said I created this job for you and you’re taking it. I went back to my office and my boss came out and told me that Personnel had called and was offering me a job to work for Joe. My boss said he had not seen that job advertised and I told him it wasn’t. It was created for me. My boss said well, you are not going to take it and walked down the hall. He made my decision for me. I called Personnel and accepted it. I went from being overworked to really a wonderful position. Joe was the best boss I ever had and it was so much fun talking about him to Joyce and Randy. I think they enjoyed it too. When I left I thought of how many blessings we must miss by just not stopping to see someone. It really made my day. DR 6/25/13

Every Song Has a Story

I always say that my life is like a song. Last night I was with my friend Jeanie at Steak and Shake. I love Steak and Shake mainly because of the music. Well, I do like their milkshakes. I treated myself to one last night and I felt like the biggest sinner on the face of the earth. I realized that with the songs that were being played, some memories were coming back. Some are good and some are not so good. I relate so much of my life to the music. I lost contact with some music during the 70’s. I won’t go into that here as to the why, but part of my life went a little crazy during those years. I heard one song last night and told Jeanie the story behind that one and it depressed me. I told Jeanie that I don’t regret the choices I have made because those choices have brought me to the person I am today. We can all go back and say what if I had done that different, what if I had married someone else. Well for me, I wouldn’t have Christi and my grandsons whom I love more than anything. Also, I probably wouldn’t have ended up with Charles who was the best thing that ever happened to me. We were the most unlikely couple and when we got married, all the men we worked with came to our wedding. They all had me convinced that Charles would chicken out. They were all surprised because Charles was so happy that day and couldn’t wait to become my husband. Until the day he died he always said we were still on our honeymoon. Like most marriages we had our ups and downs but we worked through all the challenges we faced, and I can tell you there were many. At one time we lived in three states at one time. My marriage to Charles was far from being dull and boring. I miss him and his weird outlook on things. The thing I miss most is that he was the only person who knew everything about me and I mean everything, and never judged or criticized me. He loved me for just me. He asked me before we ever dated and I was married to someone else, if I had ever been madly in love. I asked him had he and he said no. He said he wanted to fall madly and passionately in love some day. He always told me everything because he thought it was safe to. So he was the one I asked to take me to singles places when I divorced. We did not have any romantic designs on each other at all. He became my best friend and he helped me through my darkest hours. He had been through a divorce and understood. He told me that I was the first person he had ever worked with who never said one bad thing about their spouse. Needless to say when I came in and told everyone I was going through a divorce, they were surprised. I told them up front and told them to not ask me any questions. It was a very dark period in my life. Christi was only 10. We did fall madly and passionately in love. He told me he had been looking for the perfect woman and didn’t realize that I had been right under his nose the whole time. Go figure. Neither did I. When he said I do for better or worse, he didn’t have a clue what he was getting into. Now I probably have you curious about the “real” me. I hope so. There’s a “me” that few people know. I even surprise myself sometimes. I sometimes wonder if Charles would be surprised, but I really doubt it. He would probably say, you go girl! I have things that I wonder about even now, how is my life going to end up? Am I going to be alone the rest of my life? Will I ever find another love? Have I already found that love? Well, that is my secret and the only one who knows is Chloe and she’s not telling. Oh, the things that Chloe has seen and heard. Thank goodness she can’t tell on me. What do the songs you listen to remind you of? DR, 6/22/13

Jet Lag

I’ve heard people talk about jet lag for years, but I never experienced it and I really thought that they were making it up. I didn’t think anything could be that bad. Well, now I have experienced it and I felt like a fleet of Sherman tanks had run over my body and somebody stole my brain. I couldn’t even think any more. I am used to being in control and for the past few days I feel like I lost total control. The first morning I woke up in my bed, I was dreaming that I had overslept and everybody had left me. I was struggling to get up and the surroundings were different. I thought, why does this look like my bedroom? Oh my goodness, it is my bedroom. Oh how I love my bed. For almost two weeks the beds in Europe were only twin size. The rooms were very small. I took my own wash cloths. I left wash cloths in Amsterdam, Brussels, Paris, and London. Well, I took my ragged ones and I threw them in the garbage. It was wonderful to come back to ice cold water. We had water on the table, but it was usually warm. They don’t believe in ice cubes over there. I have to admit that I submitted to drinking a beer at most of my meals. The beer was ice cold. I will probably never touch another beer, but over there it was a life saver. I had never had a beer in my life! I ate some strange meals. But getting back to jet lag—when I got home I had forgotten that I had no food. Ok, so I’m on a diet, but this was ridiculous. I was so tired, I just went hungry. I did have coffee and my coffee tasted so wonderful. In Europe they are heavy coffee drinkers but the coffee was so strong. Have I already said that I had a wonderful time? I did and I would jump on the next plane back. Of the four cities, London was my favorite and I intend to go back. I want to take Christi with me the next time. Looks like I’ve got to really sell some houses. Be sure and call me. I’m back at work and I love it! My life is coming together and I’m loving it! Do something you’ve never done before. It may surprise you at how good it feels that you can look fear right in the face and do something that before had scared you to death! You can do it! I am doing it! DR 6/18/13

Christopher

Today you’re 21 and I just can’t believe it. It seems like yesterday when I saw you being born. You came out kicking and screaming at the top of your lungs. You had a head of hair that had so many cowlicks. You were such a beautiful baby—well you have turned into a handsome young man with a bright shining future ahead of you. I can remember when you were so little how you loved Barnie. My mother knew the words to every song Barnie ever sang. You would stand in your playpen and sing and dance to all of the songs. I remember when you started to school. Oh those were the years. Yes, you’ve always been the outspoken one. Hmmm, maybe you get that from me. Yes, you were always getting in trouble at school for things you would say. Looking back, those were really good years. Sometimes I wish you were that little boy again. I look at you now and I wonder where all of the years went. You are still the same loving boy and I’m so thankful that every time I see you, you always hug me and tell me that you love me. You don’t know how much that means to me. I hope to always have those hugs and words from you. I even like it when you pile into my lap and hug my neck. Yes, you nearly kill me but it’s fun. You’re always willing to take a chance and with that ambition your heart has been broken. I know how you feel because I’ve been there too. I never thought that you would be giving me advice on dating. You were telling me how men think and I was telling you the girl’s side. Who would ever think that I would even be in this situation. Well, Christopher I could tell so many things but it might be a little embarrassing, so I will end this with I hope you have many more birthdays and I hope your day today is all that you want. Today you have arrived, you are now a MAN! I love you! DR 6/15/13

The Time of My Life

I have to admit that the week before I was to leave for Europe I felt like saying that I was sick or something so I could get out of going. I had such a fear of the unknown. Sometimes we just have to suck it in and just do it. I’m so glad that I did. The plane ride from Atlanta to Amsterdam wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. After we were in the air, it was just like any other plane trip I had taken. The only drawback was that we were on that plane for so long. Amsterdam was the most fascinating city. It was very clean but I thought I would be brought back in a body bag from being run over by a bicycle. I have never seen so many bicycles in my life. Instead of cars, everyone rides a bike. The gas over there is very high. I saw people who looked like they should be in a nursing home who were riding bikes. From Amsterdam we rode our bus to Brussels. Oh, I need to back up and tell how many there were in our group. We had four groups—Tennessee, Georgia, Louisiana, and California. I have to admit the southern states seemed to stay together and the group from Burbank seemed to look down their noses at us. It’s ok, they warmed up to us after a while—at least most of them. There were 37 of us in all plus our tour leader James, who was from London. The next city was Brussels and frankly I just wasn’t impressed. It was ok. We only spent one night there and then we were off to Paris. I loved seeing the Eiffel Tower for real. It was like a dream come true. In fact, just seeing everything so far was truly wonderful and much better than any television program or pictures in a book. Everything was so much bigger than I ever imagined. I never thought that going into the Notre Dame Cathedral would be so emotional for me, but it was. I think because they were having mass, playing music that I was so familiar with, and then I wanted to light a candle for Charles. The emotion was so real. I cried all the way through. It was truly beautiful. The school teacher from Atlanta said her students wanted to sit down and pray and she was really moved by that. We had one bad experience in Paris. We left our hotel to get to the Euro train station around 6 a.m. It was pouring down rain and James told us to just get our luggage and get into the station as quickly as possible. We would all end up in the same coach. I did not notice the five young men who circled our bus, and I’m thankful. But one of our own was surrounded by three of them and she did not know until she got into the station that her wallet with all of her credit cards, driver’s license, money, and passport were stolen. They also took her cell phone. It was so hard for all of us to continue on to London without her and also our group leader. They spent the entire day at the police station and then Monday at the U.S. Embassy. They finally got to London Monday night. The police said that the train station was one of the worst crime areas. We thought that who would ever think that would happen on Sunday morning in the pouring down rain at 6 a.m.???? All I could do was say a prayer of thanks that I was ok. She was an experienced traveler—me, no way. I feel that I am now though. Anyway, the Euro train was great. We had to go through customs and all of that so it was a little more involved than the first two places we went to. I do believe London was my favorite place of the four cities. Maybe it’s because I love British comedies and Masterpiece Theater. All of that came alive for me. To see the changing of the guard was just fantastic. I never dreamed the buildings were so large there. James was really in his element there. I know there is so much to write about and maybe I will get to more things later. We all became a little wiser about watching about us. Our Tennessee group left two days early. I really hated that I would not see Stonehenge, but I have made it a priority that I’m going back. I want to see Stonehenge and also where they film Downton Abbey. Oh, James and I talked about Hercule Perot and he told me some things about him and also he knew about House of Cards which was on Masterpiece Theater several years ago. It was nice to talk to someone who knew all about some of my favorite things. On the last night in London we had fish and chips and then James took us on a tour of where Jack the Ripper killed his victims. Not only that but he described in detail each murder and that they think they actually caught the man who did them. After this man was sentenced to the insane asylum there were no more murders. Of course, James said the case is still open. The next morning our taxi took up to the London airport and then our long journey back home. It was great to be on American soil again and back to everything familiar. But why spend the rest of your life with only familiar things? It’s great to step out of your comfort zone and do something you’ve never done before. I’m so thankful that I had the courage to do that. I’m not afraid of my next adventure. Yes, I had the time of my life! DR 6/12/13

Difficult Week

This has been a week filled with disappointments and heartbreaks. As Charles would have said, I have had a week full of challenges. Some of them I have figured out solutions and some of the others I am dealing with. Well, this is life! A friend of mine died. I worked with her for many years at TVA. She was so full of life and such a good friend, but of course, we lost touch after I left TVA and she went to work at one of the nuclear plants. I felt so bad for her husband. I could feel what he was feeling. I just wonder if I will do that for the rest of my life. Some of my friends have told me that even after 14 or 15 years, they still do. Then, I have had some other things to happen and I ask myself, why when I’m trying to get ready for the biggest trip of my life. I’m so afraid I’ll forget something. I’m leaving so many loose ends. I even have those thoughts that something might happen and I won’t be back. I don’t know if everybody has these thoughts or not. Maybe I’m just weird. But, last night it seemed everything just overwhelmed me. My friend Jeanie called. I didn’t want to let her know that right at that moment I was crying, but she sensed it. I didn’t want her to know because she and her husband had been a bad automobile accident and they’re still stranded without a car. She’s the last person I should be whining to. But, she gave me the encouragement I needed. She said I know you love the verse Jeremiah 29:11, but I want you to read Psalm 139. I read the entire chapter this morning and it really blessed me through and through. I have been thinking what a failure I am and why can’t I get my act together. I used to be so organized and confident. My son-in-law was downstairs at the house we were working on last night and he saw I was crying. He asked what could he do, and I said just hold me and tell me everything will be ok. He did. He didn’t even ask any questions. I am so blessed with a wonderful son-in-law who loves and adores my daughter. I can say that I’m ok today. So what if a dozen things hit you in the face at one time. My Jeremiah 29:11 goes a little further by saying that “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart.” I’m so thankful that God has been with me through everything bad and also everything good. He is the friend who is always there for me and knows my weaknesses, my shortcomings, my failures, and loves me unconditionally. DR 6/2/13

The Unknown

When my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer and had to have surgery, she was so calm. My dad and I were a nervous wreck. I asked my mother how she could be so calm. Her reply to me was, “I know what I’m facing, it’s the unknown that would scare me.” I have thought so many times about that answer. I thought about it when Charles got sick and the doctors couldn’t find out what was wrong. I knew exactly what she meant. The unknown is a scary thing. You think of all kinds of things—mostly bad. I thought then that Charles would die before they found out what was wrong. Of course, he didn’t right then and he actually had several things wrong with him before he died. I was able to face the things that I knew were happening, but the “unknown” was another story. Now today I am faced with an “unknown.” Well, actually it’s a good “unknown.” As it gets closer to my “out of the country” trip, I am scared, excited, and some more adjectives that I can’t think of right now. How could so many emotions be going on inside of me? I know last year when I flew to California, I was practically hysterical before I left. I couldn’t sleep and I walked the floor. Christi said she had never seen me like that. I guess I had gone to great links to never let her see the vulnerable part of me. It actually brought us a lot closer. She came and helped me pack and took me to the airport. I found out what was really bothering me after I got to the airport—security. After I got through security, I was fine. When I boarded the plane I realized how much I loved to fly. There is something about takeoff that puts me on a “high”—no pun intended. I remember that same feeling the first time I ever flew. Back then your friends or relatives could go to the gate with you. I had just boarded the plane and I remember seeing Charles watching with the look of fear on his face. It wasn’t that he was afraid for me to fly, it was the look of what have I made her do. He always encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and do things that I had never done before. I called him as soon as we landed and I told him how I loved it and he was so relieved. Oh, how I miss that man! He was my biggest supporter! Oh well, he is the one who taught me how I could make it without him. Well, Charles you would be proud of some of things I have accomplished and I’m sure you would be proud of me for my next trip. Well, so much for airing my fears and excitement. I’m sure I’ll be ok and love every minute. It’s just my pre jitters of the “unknown.” DR 5/30/13

Nothing in This World Will Ever Break My Heart Again

I heard this song for the first time on the tv series Nashville. I have to admit I cried all the way through it. My heart has been broken so many times… I wish that I could say with confidence that nothing in this world will ever break my heart again, but I’m only human and I give my heart freely to the ones I love. I know there are others around me who feel the same way and we suffer in silence. I’m afraid to really open up and even tell the ones who have broken my heart. My thoughts are that they don’t really care, or maybe they do and they can’t say anything just like me. I could put the walls up around me again and determine that nobody will ever get close to me again, but do I really want to do that? Life gets so complicated. I sometimes wonder when I look at others just what is really going on inside their heads and minds. I wonder if behind their smiles they’re hurting about something just like me. There are things inside of us that nobody will ever know. It’s so hard to share those things with anybody. You wonder what they’ll think about you. So, I only share my deepest feelings and hurts with the only one who understands me—God. He has been with me through many, many hurts. Thank you God for loving me through all of my failures and helping me to get through it. I know that there are still many good days ahead and I need to accept that. DR 5/25/13

It's Time to Move On....

I made a decision today….it’s time to move on. I really thought I had, but I really haven’t. The first things I need to do is start selling some things. The first thing is the pool table. I don’t shoot pool and actually I keep the door to the pool room closed. When I open the door, all the memories come flooding back. I see all of the pictures on the wall, all the trophies, all the puzzles, and most of all his pool sticks. Why after over three years do these things still bother me? Well, that’s the emotional me. The one that I don’t allow anyone to see. The one who seems to cry a lot. Tonight Masterpiece Theater came on and when the theme music starts, I always cry. I go back to the 80’s when Charles first introduced me to Masterpiece Theater and for that matter, public television. I love so many things on public television. I look around this house and I see Charles everywhere. Sometimes, it doesn’t bother me at all. I guess it’s really bothering me now because I think it’s time for me to leave all of this behind. I need to look at new walls. I need to stop being the hermit that I allow myself to be at times. I’m not as bad as I used to be, but sometimes I can stay in this house for days and never come out, never call anyone, never want to see anyone. I’m not depressed. I hope I don’t sound that way because I’m not. I know that things will never be the way they used to be. I’m only thankful that I have wonderful memories. I had a husband who truly loved me and would do anything for me. What woman would give their eye tooth for that? Some women never experience what I had. Yes, I am thankful. But, I do get lonely. Sometimes the loneliness envelopes me so much that I can’t seem to shake it. I have done well at making myself step out and get involved again. I just don’t understand why the tears come when I am going home or when I hear a certain song or even when I see other couples enjoying each other. I so long to have someone in my life again. My friends say I’m picky. I say I’m selective. But, it’s time to move on. I need a new lease on life. God has truly blessed me and I’m grateful. Doors have started opening for me and with each one I am truly amazed. I can see Jeremiah 29:11 working in my life. It’s just that I’m such an impatient person. People tell me it will happen in God’s time. I tell them, I don’t have that much time left. I’m going to use every minute of my life to the fullest. I have so many things I still want to do. Sometimes I procrastinate though. Sometimes I get lazy in my pursuit of getting things done. I also get overwhelmed at times. Well, it seems I’m rambling on and on again. But, it’s time to move on…. DR 5/19/13

Why????

I’ve gotten all involved in watching a trial on tv. It has been fascinating to say the least. I’m not alone in the fascination of this trial, so are some of my relatives. Today it has been so heartbreaking to hear the brother and sister of the murdered victim speak. I have seen three deaths in the past three years, but they were normal deaths. They were heartbreaking to me, but I just can’t imagine how I would feel if someone close to me were murdered, or rather stabbed 29 times, their throat slashed from ear to ear, and also shot in the head. It was very painful to listen to his brother and sister talk about how his murder had affected their lives and also how it has affected their entire family. A normal death is hard to bear, but this, and to sit in that courtroom for five months with the confessed killer would be more than anyone could stand. The murderer has yet to show any remorse. It is really bad when your own defense attorneys asked to be released from defending you right before the jury comes back with their verdict. Of course, the judge denied their request. I just know that when this trial is over, please, please, somebody take my television away from me if I ever say anything about watching another trial! I’m just glad that this one should be over before I leave for my trip to Europe. I need to think about fun! DR 5/16/13

Happy Mother's Day

Today was a busy day. Seems I was on the road all day, first going to Cleveland and then to Ringgold. I decided to go by Hamrick’s on my way home. I parked in a spot that reminded me of one time when I took my mother there. We used to go to Hamrick’s each week. The reason we did was because I would go to my mother’s house when Charles played on his pool team and we would go by Hamrick’s on my way to get gas. Back then the gas was cheaper in Georgia. Anyway, we knew everything in the store. My mother loved, loved Hamrick’s. As I went in today, I thought a lot about her. I remember how I spent more time hunting her than actually shopping. When I would see where she was at I would continue looking around. Sometimes we would never buy anything. Women just love to look. I went back to the shoes and there I saw a woman with her mother. I so wanted to tell the daughter to be thankful for the time she was spending with her mother and that I wish my mother were there with me. As I left the store, two men were sitting in the foyer waiting on their wives. One man said to the other, when I go shopping I know exactly what I want. I go in, I get it, and I leave. I had to chuckle to myself. Men just don’t get it. I heard that remark from my husband so many times. Well, Happy Mother’s Day to my mother. Her spirit was definitely with me today. DR 5/10/13

Happy Birthday Christi - May 7, 2013

It seems like only yesterday when I first saw you. I was amazed that God answered my prayer in detail. I had prayed for a brown haired, blued eyed little girl. Of course it was a while before I saw those blue eyes, but you had so much hair! I was so blessed! I had never been around any babies before, so I didn’t know anything! When I say anything, I mean anything! I had already bought a reference book and I had signed up for Tidy Didy diaper service. I was so nervous when I dressed you to come home from the hospital. When I got you home I needed to change your diaper. I thought oh no, I’ve never changed any diapers before. So luckily Tidy Didy had put a “how to” sheet in my first batch of prefolded diapers. This is before Pampers and all of the other kinds of diapers we have today. I laid you down beside the how to sheet, got the prefolded diaper and put it under you and all I had to do was pull the diaper up and pin on both sides. I felt so dumb! But, at the same time I thought how easy was that??? Well, that was the beginning of motherhood for me. You were born on Friday before Mother’s Day that year, and I thought what a wonderful gift I had received that year. You’ve never disappointed me. You were my special gift from God. It was the very first time that I had so believed that God would give me exactly what I had asked for, and this was before sonograms. Yes, God wants to bless us with what we want. You have turned out to be a wonderful, beautiful Christian woman who loves her husband and boys. Yes, God knew what he was doing. I love you Christi. I hope you have many more happy birthdays. DR 5/7/13

As Time Goes By

Tonight I watched one of my favorite programs on the public station, As Time Goes By. It’s a story of a couple who fell in love 38 years before. He was in the Army and she was a nurse. He went off to war and he wrote to her but she never received the letters, and she wrote to him but he never received her letters. Well, to make a long story short they married other people—he divorced and her husband died. They found each other again after 38 years and married. It’s a wonderful story and I love the song. Sometimes I daydream that maybe some day that will happen to me. Oh, I really can’t go into the “who” here. I just know that hearing the song again and watching the program brought back many memories. DR 5/4/13

Some Days are Diamonds, Some Days are Stone

I listened to this song tonight and it made me feel so sad. I try to make all of my days “diamonds”, but sometimes they just end up being “stones.” It talks about the face that I see in my mirror, and yes my face does look like a stranger to me sometimes. It seems that this past year I am trying to find “me.” It has been long time since I am just “me.” In the past I was a wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, employee and the list can go on. I am a different person to each of these people, but I am no longer a wife or daughter. Mother’s Day is coming up and I thought there is no one for me to buy for. And now I wear a white rose instead of the red one. All of a sudden I think back and wonder where did all of the time go? We take things for granted until we no longer have them. I’ve made a lot of changes in my life and I’m not done. There is still so much “living” to do. I am still a mother and grandmother. Someday I may be a great grandmother. My oldest grandson introduced me to his girlfriend as his “hot” grandmother. I hope to keep that title. What lies ahead? I don’t know. I hope to make everyday a “diamond” day, but I know that there are still some stones ahead. I just want to make them “stepping” stones to get back to the diamonds again. It seems that after midnight is when I start all of this deep thinking. Maybe I should go to bed and think about the diamond day I will have tomorrow. Fridays are always good. DR 5/3/13

He Stopped Loving Her Today....

When I first heard about George Jones dying today, I immediately had some memories come flooding back. My mother loved country music, and my passion has always been rock and roll. There are a few country songs that I really like and the song by George Jones, He Stopped Loving Her Today, was my favorite by him. I remember my mother was in the car with me and that song came on. I listened to the words that day and I told my mother, the man in the song died! My mother said, well haven’t you ever listened to the words? I told her no. I said that’s one of the saddest songs I’ve ever heard. It still has remained one of my favorites. Another time I watched a music video with my mother at her house. It was by Martina McBride and it’s called Freedom Rings. I had only heard the chorus on the Hannity and Combs radio broadcast. I couldn’t believe it was about domestic violence. Of course my mother told me the history of it. Another time I taught a friend of mine how to do makeup on some children who were doing a benefit for a man. Well, I knew this man’s name and the only person I knew by that name is a preacher. I couldn’t understand why this particular school was doing the benefit down at the Tivoli for him. I was down there the night of the benefit to help and then they announced that the “guest” was also going to wear the makeup that I sold. I was amazed to say the least. Well, my friend told me that I could stay for the benefit and I thought I would at least stay for the first part. The principal of the school came out and announced that he had known this man since he was in the second grade and followed his career. I thought how could that be, the principal is too young and the man I know is at retirement age. Well, when the “guest” came out I nearly fell out of my seat. He was an up and coming country music star. The next day I went over to my mother’s house and asked her if she knew this guy. She proceeded to tell me his history and how good he is. I then told her what had happened and I had wished I had told her. She would have loved to have been there. Well, I have other memories, but I have thought a lot about my mother today and how she always straightened me out on “who is who” in the country music world. But, I still have “He Stopped Loving Her Today” on my mind. DR 4/26/13

Get Over It

I heard these words the other day and they really hit home for me. I know I have written before that I am the queen of pity parties. I don’t know why I do that. I don’t even appear that way in public. I hide it really well. I’ll give an example: Last week was my birthday. I couldn’t have had a better day. I had so many “happy birthdays” from friends and relatives, phone calls, text messages, private messages on face book, and even a friend called and sang to me. I had a wonderful lunch with my daughter and that evening a wonderful dinner with my family. I love having fun and being with people. After we had dinner, I went over and spent time at their house and laughed and talked. Then I got into my car and headed home—I cried all the way home. I even asked myself why, why do I do this? I have nothing to cry about. I have a good life, wonderful friends, so why do I do this? I know the reason and it can’t be corrected—at least not bringing someone back from the dead. I so hate going home to my empty house. So, I need to just “get over it.” Now every time something happens that I think is not right or if I think that life is not fair to me, I’m saying, “Diane, just get over it.” There are so many things that are right. So, why do we tend to dwell on the things that we think are not right in our lives? I don’t know. Each day brings new challenges into our life. We need to look at each one and see if we can correct the problem or how we are going to let it affect us or how we can deal with it. Don’t look at the other person with envy and jealousy of what they have. We really don’t know what goes on inside of them. Who would ever know that I would let things get to me and cry so much? Who would ever know how depressed I get or how lonely I get and feel sorry for myself? You need to do what I am starting to do—just get over it! DR 4/18/13

You Never Know....

I had a wonderful time for my birthday, but when I got home, I realized that I had not heard from a friend in a few weeks. I was used to talking to him a lot. His mother had recently died and we talked about what he was going to do. The last time I talked to him I knew he was pretty distraught, but I was also caught up in my new office change. I thought of him late at night and would send him a private message, and I really thought it odd that he didn’t call because he always did. Well, this time I thought I should go to his face book page. I couldn’t believe it, he died a few weeks ago. I didn’t know and I am still upset about it. Why didn’t I stay in better contact with him? I knew he was upset. I read that he had a heart attack. He walked all of the time. He was thin. How could this happen? I still can’t believe that he’s gone and I’ll never talk to him again. I feel so awful. Then today, I heard some news that a close friend that lives up here on the mountain died. I was upset all day about her. My cousin and I talked about it and we said how we should have called her. Then we learned that the person who told that information was wrong and our friend is alive. How relieved we are. My cousin called her and told her what we had heard and how relieved we are that she’s ok. We never know when we may die, or when someone we really care about will die. We need to listen to that little voice inside of us that reminds us to call that person, go see that person, or just check to see if they’re ok. Why do we get so busy that we don’t take time to do that? I know that I always promise myself that I’m going to do better, and then I slip into that “busy” mode again. Oh God, please help me to reach out to the people I care about and let them know that I really do care about them. I hope you do the same. DR 4/13/13

What I Miss

In life we take so many things for granted. I know I took my husband for granted. He always told me that after he was gone, I would realize all of the things he did for me. Well, tonight I started thinking about what I am missing. He always wrote me poems on my birthday, valentine’s, and our anniversary. I couldn’t wait to see what he would come up with. I have them all in a notebook. I told him that I loved them better than any card that he could have picked out. I really liked the following poem: “My dearest, my darling, my – well you know the rest, You’ve made me so happy, cause you are the best, You’ve worked and you’ve suffered for me everyday, In appreciation for you, I’ve this to say, I desire you, I adore you, my lover, my all, I’d rather be with you, than at the poolhall. I love you, Charles” He always called me “My dearest, my darling, my lover, my all”, and he called me “Dar” for short. Charles never was the normal person. Everything he did was different and unique, even what he called me. You know, I am not and never have been a favorite of pet names. I have never wanted to be called honey or baby, but I loved being called “Dar”. A lot of times he would say the entire thing and yes, I miss hearing it. I especially liked this birthday poem because I know how much he loved shooting pool. I hope they have pool tables in heaven—just saying. DR 4/11/13

My Crazy Life

I used to live such a dull life. I really did. Talk about a rut, mine was really deep. I have a friend who told me recently that I’m more fun to watch than Days of Our Lives, she calls it Days of Diane. Well, I wouldn’t go that far, but I have to admit my life is at times a little crazy, or should I say that maybe I’m a little crazy, lol. Life is too short to not find fun and humor in everything. I love to laugh and maybe do some crazy things at times. I think we should laugh more, be more active, do more things. I think a lot of people are scared to step out of their comfort zone. When I decided to step out of my “box”, I have to admit it was pretty scary. I would be putting myself out there to be criticized, analyzed, judged, and maybe some other adjectives I can’t think of right now. I have come to the realization that if I do something to make you laugh, then I have accomplished something. If we can’t have fun, then just dry up and sit there and be your own morbid self. Life is for living. Life is for helping someone else to know that there is more to life than just being worried all of the time. Get out there and have fun. Last night I had my daughter in my car and I think I really scared her with some of my driving. I like to drive fast (I hope no policemen are reading this) but I am a careful driver. I looked at her last night and said, I sure don’t drive like Granny, do I? Of course, I was talking about my mother who was afraid to get on the interstate and thought if she went over 35 miles an hour she was speeding. Christi said no, you’re nothing like her. She said she always wondered if she would ever arrive at where they were heading when she was with my mother. With me, she wonders if she will arrive there alive and in one piece. Oh, I’m really not that bad. Although, I do remember one day when Becky chose three men agents to ride in my car, including my broker, (we did this every Tuesday to view houses that had just been listed) that when we were heading to my car, I turned around and they all had on motorcycle helmets. I asked, why helmets? They responded, we’re riding with you! Well, I know they were kidding even when we returned and one of the men kissed the ground when he got out of my car. Do you think that got me off from having people in my car on tour, no. Also, I’m not that bad. Anyway, I don’t think so. Take a ride with me this summer in my convertible and you’ll see. Well, just ask my Kristin. She was always ready to ride with me last summer. I really hope she is going to ride with me again this summer. We had a ball. Well, I did have a guy to ride with me. Ok, so what if he was only 48 and liked me. I’ve already said I like men younger than me. I told him when he got into my car he should fear for his life. He said, but you promised that you wouldn’t put me out anywhere. I said, yes I did promise you that, but I drive fast and I play my music loud. He was ok with that. He said he was really surprised that I like Blondie. For those of you who have never heard of Blondie, she was a rock singer in the 70’s or 80’s. We had a few dates until he moved back to Kentucky. That was fun, but he was a little too young. I’ve said all of this to say that sometimes we need to let go and have fun. I know I am. DR 3/30/13

Freedom

Today I was talking to my daughter and she was telling me that she is going to prepare a talk, and she named off three different titles. When she said freedom, I suddenly felt this overwhelming urge to write about my freedom. Have you ever thought about the word “freedom.” What exactly does it mean for you? I guess I’m in a situation that may be different from yours. I don’t answer to anyone. Well, I do have an angry little Yorkie at times if I stay away from home too long. But, she is easy to please. She’s always happy to see me come home and as long as she has food and water, she’s happy. My freedom is that I can go anywhere, do anything, and buy anything I want. I can also not cook or cook some strange concoctions just for me. I’m usually always watching what I eat, so I don’t eat like the normal person. I can also watch tv in bed, keep my glasses on, and fall asleep without anyone waking me up to tell me to turn the tv off or you’d better take those glasses off. I have been known to make midnight runs to WalMart. I can go on trips to anywhere I choose without asking anyone if I can go. Well, my list could go on and on. I guess it sounds like the perfect life, but it isn’t always. I didn’t mention that sometimes it’s a lonely life, but most of the time I don’t even mind that. I’m beginning to get set pretty much in some of my own ways. Freedom, what does that mean to you? DR 3/28/13

Things I Hate to Do

I closed myself up for the past two days to do my taxes. I don’t know why I hate this project so bad, but I do it every year. I don’t procrastinate about many things, but this one I do big time! I always have to make the appointment with my CPA to ensure that my taxes will be done. I am also a pack rat. I remember a few years ago Charles asked our CPA how long we should keep copies of our taxes. I believe David said about seven years. Then Charles said, so, Diane can start destroying her taxes from 1963? I was so embarrassed. But, we all laughed. We had a big bonfire a few days later. I really hated to see those records go up in flames. I don’t know about you, but another thing I hate to do is go to the doctor, and especially to get blood work. Last week I had to get blood work. I didn’t dread it too much since the lady had no trouble the previous time. Well, this time she did. I have small veins and they roll. She had to get 3 vials of blood. She was able to get one vial out of my left arm and then she started hunting for another vein on my right arm. She took the blood out of a vein at my wrist. I had a large bruise on the left arm. One time it took five people to try to get my blood. I pity the poor vampire, if there are any such people, to try to get my blood! I know there are some other things that I hate to do, but right now all I can think about is that I have to go see my CPA tomorrow. He knows me like a book. He’s been doing our taxes for 30 years. I hope he never retires. I would hate to have to break in a new CPA. DR 3/26/13

Charles

After my mother died, I knew you didn’t have much longer, even though I wanted you to live forever. I finally gave in and ordered a hospital bed for you. Yes, it went downstairs in the same room where my mother died. You were there five days. Debbie stayed with you at night so I could get some sleep. Debbie went home to take a shower and you weren’t communicating with me very well. I put my arms around you and told you all of the things that you had worried so much about. I lied about a couple of things because I knew that they would get worked out eventually. I then told you that you had suffered enough and it was time for you to go. Those were the hardest words I have ever spoken. You were my life. I didn’t know how I would live one day without you. You were my best friend. I could tell you anything. You never judged me. When I thought things were so bad, you could always make me laugh. But this day, you were barely communicating. Oh how I loved you and I will love you until the day I die. We fell madly and passionately in love. I will never forget you or how you gave your love to me completely. Debbie came back and you wanted up. I sat on the side of the hospital bed and you were sitting in front of me. Debbie was sitting beside you on the couch. You took your feet and kept rubbing them over mine. Debbie said, look at that, Charles is still playing footsies with you. Oh, how I wish you could do that today! I only have the memories. We had Chloe only two weeks and you loved that little puppy. She was always so still when you held her. I took a picture of you holding her. I didn’t know that in two hours you would be gone. You were having trouble swallowing so I left to get your medicine. Debbie was staying with you. At six o’clock she told you she was going to get your medicine. She came back in less than five minutes and you had slid onto the floor. She called Leon to help get you back up. Leon knew immediately you were gone. I had gone back to WalMart because Access Drug was an hour behind on their compounding. I was on my way back to Access Drug when Leon called. He only asked me for the phone number for Hospice and I said he’s dead isn’t he? Leon couldn’t bring himself to tell me. I was driving and still had to come back up the mountain and he said he just couldn’t. I had Kristin with me. I then asked Leon if I needed to get your medicine and he said no, just come home. I told him I would call Hospice. I called Sharon direct and she told me she would take care of canceling your medicine and she would meet me back at the house. I then tried to call Father Bertin. I left him a message, and I drove back home. It didn’t really hit me what had happened until I opened the door and I saw you lying lifeless on the bed. I never thought that I would see you that way. We talked about it for 14 years. You had gotten sick when we were building this house. That’s another story in itself, but you lived to finish the top portion of our house so we could move in. I really thought you would never be able to do that. God let me have you another 14 years and I feel so blessed with that, but I really wanted you longer. I wanted to be the one to go first. Why did it have to be you? How was I going to live another day without you? Sharon came, Christi and Scott came. I wasn’t able to call anybody. I had to go down the mountain to bring Father George back up so he could do last rites on you. I learned later that Father Bertin had given you last rites the weekend my mother died. He wanted you to know what he was doing. You were special, you got last rites before and after you died. After the funeral home came to get you, I took Father George back down to his car. Christi rode with me. After we got back to my house, Christi and Scott left. Debbie had already gone home and it was just Leon and me sitting downstairs. Leon finally said he should go and would I be ok. I asked him if Debbie would mind coming back over and spend the night with me. He called her and Debbie came right over. We finally went to bed about 4 a.m. That is the only night I needed someone to stay with me. Yes Charles you taught me well. I knew everything I needed to do. I knew how to take care of myself. So here I sit three years later and I can remember that day and night just like it had happened yesterday. I’ll never forget it and I will never forget you. You were the great love of my life. DR 3/22/13

Today

Today seemed to be a day just like all of the other Saturdays. I took Chloe to the groomer. I made a few stops and then I put my top down on my car and headed to the interstate. I wasn’t the only one with my top down. Oh how good the fresh air felt, and the sun felt wonderful. I headed back to pick up Chloe and took her back home. She could see again with all the hair out of her eyes. I then started getting ready to go to the Station House. I’ve never been, so it was exciting for me. On my way home from the Station House, I had the sad news that my friend’s sister-in-law had died. I was also friends with her and her husband. I’ve known her husband since he was 9 years old. He has been a dedicated husband to her. She was diagnosed with brain cancer over 20 years ago. It has been a miracle that she has lived this long. I really feel for the family. It brought back all the memories of three years ago and the things you have to take care of. I don’t wish that on anybody, but this is part of life, and if you don’t die first, then you are the one left to take care of things. Even though you expect this day to come, it is never easy. My mother always told me that time heals all wounds. She didn’t tell me how much it would really hurt and it would hurt for a very long time. You never forget, it just gets easier to cope with. I was in my truck tonight and when I turned on the cd player, the song “Til I Can Make It On My Own” played. Guess, I really like to torture myself. Can we really make it on our own? The only way I have made it is with God’s help. I don’t know what I would have done if I couldn’t depend on Him. Sometimes, I feel like He’s not listening when I tell Him how bad I hurt and how lonely I get. I look around and I see that I am really a very fortunate person. I had a husband who took care of me and tried to prepare me. Well, enough of this sadness tonight. I know that 2013 is going to be a wonderful year, and great things are going to happen—not only for me but for you also. Just put all of your trust in God’s hands. Sometimes you will feel like things are not happening as quickly as you want them to, but believe me, they are. DR

Mother

I can finally talk about the last time I saw you. I was so distraught when the social worker kept calling me from assisted living. You were on hospice and you had been x-rayed to see if you had any broken bones when you fell. You had no broken bones, but you still couldn’t walk to the dining room to eat. You were so bruised and in a lot of pain. I had gone to pick up your pain medicine the night you fell. You fell on Wednesday. All day Friday the social worker kept calling me. She said I should take you off of hospice so you could go to the emergency room. I knew that you were not able to do that. I was at my wit’s end because Charles was already in a wheelchair and I knew that he didn’t have much longer to live I just didn’t know how I could manage having you downstairs and Charles upstairs, both of you on hospice.. I took a shower and when I got out I had a voice mail from the social worker. She said it was inhumane treatment for you to suffer and yell out in pain all day. That was my turning point. Hospice had ordered a hospital bed to be delivered to your room at assisted living. I called hospice and asked if it could be delivered to my house. They said yes. I told them to have it delivered about 4:30. I called an ambulance and asked them to pick you up and bring you to my house at 5:30. Debbie told me she would stay with you 24/7 downstairs. Leon and Debbie helped me clean out the room that had become my catch all room. I had trains, a lot of stuff I cleaned out of your house, and a lot of stuff where I had cleaned out my office I had in East Ridge. We carried so much stuff to the garage, but we got the room looking so warm and cozy by the time the hospital bed arrived. I put my little stove that looked like real logs in it, and they were electric, but I knew that would keep you even warmer. I put a small couch in there. I couldn’t have done it without Leon and Debbie. I remember running back up the steps and telling Charles, Oh, I forgot to ask you if it’s ok that I bring my mother here. Charles looked at me and said, I’m breaking out in smiles all over because I think that’s the right thing to do. The ambulance arrived with you right on time. Leon went out to meet you and asked if you knew where you were. You answered him, Yes, Leon, I’m so happy. She has brought me home. Those words still echo in my brain today. Genell fixed you a wonderful supper—fried chicken, gravy, mashed potatoes, and biscuits. I think there was more, but that’s what you really liked. Two of your sisters were here—Genell and Reida. Leon, Debbie, Ginger, and Kristin came over. Leon went upstairs and carried Charles down to see you. It was amazing that you knew everybody’s names. I couldn’t stay because I had to go back and get your clothes, medicine, and to tell my dad that I brought you home. When I got your medicine, all of it was still there. You were in pain because they had not given you any pain medicine. I went back home and Debbie was making you all comfortable and we gave you your pain medicine. You were hungry again so you ate another biscuit and gravy. I heated up what I had left. You told Debbie that Genell was sure stingy with her gravy. Kristin went down to Genell’s and got some more gravy for your biscuit. My last words to you were, Debbie is going to spoil you and you replied, she already has. I went upstairs knowing that you weren’t in pain and I had you in good hands with Debbie. Leon promised you two country fried eggs for breakfast to go with Genell’s homemade biscuits and gravy. You really loved biscuits and gravy. You went to sleep a very happy woman. Charles and I slept through the night for the first time in several months. I woke up the next morning and ran down the steps. I felt like the first time Christi slept through the night when she was a baby. Debbie looked at me and said, everything’s ok. I’ve been checking on her all night. I was so relieved. We stood at the door and you were snoring like a freight train, but I heard another sound. I asked Debbie, what is that other noise? She said you were congested and she would get you to cough when you woke up. I sat downstairs for a little while and Debbie and I discussed what we would do the rest of the weekend. We had all the meals planned out. I went back upstairs to get dressed and Debbie went in to wake you up. She said as soon as she entered your room it was totally quiet. She called Leon. Yes, you were gone that quick. Leon came up the steps to tell me. I couldn’t believe it. I was just down there. I was ready to run down the steps, but Charles told me to call hospice first and get my paperwork. You see, the previous year I went to the funeral home and set up four funerals—Charles, my mother, my dad, and me. I had all the necessary paperwork attached to each one. My parents wanted to be buried at National Cemetery so I had to make sure everything would be ok. I called hospice and went downstairs with my paperwork. I’ll never forget what I saw—Debbie was laying over you sobbing. I just felt numb. I had never been around anyone who had just died. This is as far as I can go with this story right now. I didn’t cry then, but I am now and it has been three years. All I can find comfort in right now, is what you said to Leon. “I’m so happy, she’s brought me home.” DR 3/6/13

Brenda

When my husband was dying from cancer and was on Hospice, I spent many hours on the computer playing a game called Farmtown on Facebook. Brenda Macura was one of my “neighbors” and I let her harvest many of my crops. I was always anxious when she would notify me that she was available. After she harvested my crops, our little avatars would stand out in the field and we would talk. I was able to pour my heart out to her during those long days and Charles would never hear how sad I had become. Brenda became so close to me. We talked about everything and we grew to know each other really well. After Charles died, we still communicated through Facebook and I always knew that someday I would go meet her. Her hometown is in North Carolina. I received the sad news today that Brenda died. Last week she suddenly went unconscious and never came back. She was on life support. I sent her daughter, Angel a note about how sorry I was to hear about Brenda. Angel told me that her mother had told her that when she retired she wanted to go meet Diane. I felt so honored that her mother thought that much of me. It’s funny how you can get close to someone and never have met them or even heard their voice. Now, I will never get to meet her in this life. I know there are no words I can express to Angel right now about losing her mother. I only want her and her brother to know that in time it will get easier. You never forget. The tears you shed right now will get to be more infrequent. You will be able to talk about her without crying and start remembering all of the good times. In two days it will be three years since my mother died. March is already a difficult month for me to go through, but this year it is a lot easier. I know each year for Angel and her brother will get easier, but still painful. I just wish I had been able to meet Brenda. You never know what each day is going to bring. I’m so thankful that Brenda was here for me when I needed a friend, and she took the time to talk to me. I know heaven is a little sweeter now that Brenda is there. DR 3/4/13

Regrets

I had a hard time trying to get a title to this. I think everyone has some regrets over some things that have happened in their lives. My regrets go back many years. Some I can’t share openly because of the people who might read about them. I can only say that my life could be totally different from what it is today. I decided about this time last year to start living again. I think I could have stared at my four walls for the rest of my life. I don’t know what influenced me to change. I know that when Sabra asked me to go to Florida with her, it was a definite turning point. She rented a red Mustang convertible for us to drive down. I asked her why did she do that and she replied, you need to start having fun again! That week was actually a working week, but also one of so much fun. I realized how much I loved the beach and getting up every morning and sitting on the deck with my cup of coffee watching the waves and the sunrise. It amazes me at God’s handiwork. I also decided in the following months that I didn’t want to be alone the rest of my life. I didn’t know what a surprise I was in for. It seems the ones I like don’t want me and the ones I don’t want, want me. I guess that’s life. So here I sit on Saturday night all by myself. I know that there has to be someone out there just for me. So far my very best friend is my dog Chloe. Oh, I know my daughter and grandsons love me, but they’re not here when I get home. So, I made several decisions last year. I’m doing pretty good with those decisions and now I am making more. I have decided to work again. Boy, that has been an eye opener. I am learning all over again the streets and how to do everything, but I love it. Who knows, maybe that tall, dark stranger will walk into my life and want to buy a house. I do know that staying in this house all of the time isn’t going to do it. I believe they would have to fall out of the sky and I don’t see anything like that happening. Have I had some hurts this year? Yes, and I think the older we get, the more we hurt. Am I happy? Yes, I am totally happy with my life. I am so thankful that I had a husband who taught me how to take care of myself. Maybe when I write next year when all of these memories come flooding back, I’ll be telling a totally different story. The verse that keeps coming to me is Jeremiah 29:11. God keeps reminding me that he has plans for me…. As I told someone a long time ago, God expects us to put legs on our prayers. They’re not going to be answered just by sitting and waiting for things to drop into our lap. Yes, I’m open to new opportunities. Just because I’ve had a few doors to close doesn’t mean there aren’t some doors that are going to open wide for me. I’m expecting wonderful things to happen this year! DR 3/2/13