Today I say goodbye to my dad as I have known him in this world. I know I will meet him and my mother again, but today is a sad day. The past few years were really hard for him and he just could not accept the fact that my mother was sick and that he was not able to take care of himself any more. They were both very independent people and I’m the same way. I know for me it would be hard to start depending on someone else for everything. But on to happy memories….
My mother and daddy didn’t have a lot of money, so when I was little my dad worked the first shift and got home in time for my mother to leave for her second shift job. My dad and I spent most evenings reading. I knew how to read when I entered first grade. I don’t know how I learned to read and my parents couldn’t remember either—they just said I started reading. In the second grade I came home and told my dad that the guy at the bookmobile wouldn’t let me check out my books. We went back up to the school where it was parked and my books were still stacked there. My dad asked him why I couldn’t have my books and the man told him that I was too little to read them. My dad asked him if he let me read on one of the pages and he said no. My dad opened one of them and I began to read. After that I never had any trouble. I am an only child and I loved to read.
One evening when my dad was sitting on the porch and I was playing with my little red wagon, I begged him to leave to get a snowball. He finally gave in and we left. When we came back our yard was full of people and a car had run into the corner of our porch and demolished the chair my dad was sitting in and destroyed my little red wagon. It was not our time to go yet. That had to be more than 60 years ago. Oops, telling my age.
One Halloween night my dog, Rusty and I were standing at the door waiting for the “spooks”. Back then we had a screen door and we also did not have air conditioning. Well, a group came up on the porch and I don’t know who was more scared--me or Rusty. We ran to the kitchen and my dad had soaped up the floor (it was linoleum) and we slid all the way across. My dad couldn’t stop laughing.
My dad always took up for me and I guess you could call me a “daddy’s girl.” After I was grown, we could sit for hours and never really talk, but we could both say we had a great visit. He wasn’t ever much of a talker.
Yes, I have some good memories.
DR
12/27/11
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Thanksgiving - 2011
Thanksgiving started on Monday of “Thanksgiving Week” for me this year. I help in the kitchen at The Crossing and on Monday we cooked about 80 corn muffins with celery and onion already chopped up in them so the dressing would cook without any of us worrying about whether the onion and celery would be done. Christi prepared two turkeys that were donated and she prepared her basting consisting of orange zest, mandarin oranges, orange juice and I really don’t know the rest. All I know is that I cut both of my thumbs while “zesting”. Ed really got a kick out of that and, you know, you shouldn’t make fun because guess what? He cut one of his fingers. Oh well, so we’re old and we have accidents. If you’re wondering, no there was not any blood or lost band aides in the food.
Tuesday we finished the meal. We had Turkey, dressing, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, corn, rolls, and Jonathan and I made “little Turkeys” for dessert. I melted chocolate and heavy cream and dipped Oreo cookies into the mixture. Jonathan did most of the decorating of the cookies—candy corn went around the edge, a yellow candy disc in the center with a red jelley bean for the nose and we made “eyes” with the chocolate. Jonathan said he never wants to see another candy corn!
Wednesday, I rested! I had to, I couldn’t walk. My feet hurt when I stand too long.
Thursday, Christi and Jonathan went with me to assisted living to eat lunch with my dad. He didn’t feel very well but he sure cleaned his plate and ate his piece of cheesecake. The food was good and everyone seemed to have a good time. A lady was at the table next to us and she went ahead and ate her lunch, but her family never showed up. To me that was so sad. The funny thing was that she told us that she and another lady had had a fight over my dad and when she left, she leaned over to him and said, Bye Honey.
Friday, was Thanksgiving over at Christi’s. I have to confess that she is a marvelous cook! Turkey, dressing, corn casserole, broccoli casserole, sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes with fresh green onions mixed in (fresh from Leon’s garden the night before), rolls, sweet tea, coffee, pumpkin pie, coconut pie, pecan pie, and egg custard pie made especially for Scott’s mother. Kila brought a strawberry dessert and her famous pretzels wrapped with bacon. Jonathan made the potatoes and two of the pies. He is really getting good. Alex joined us, which also included Ed, Kila, Reba Underwood, Scott, Christi, and Jonathan. I missed Christopher, but he was working!!!! Scott took him a plate to his work.
I really enjoyed Thanksgiving this year, but I have to admit I miss Charles and my mother. I know they are both in a better place, but this year I had a harder time with it than last year. Maybe it’s the realization they are really, really gone. The good thing is that one day I’ll see them again!
DR
11/26/11
Tuesday we finished the meal. We had Turkey, dressing, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, corn, rolls, and Jonathan and I made “little Turkeys” for dessert. I melted chocolate and heavy cream and dipped Oreo cookies into the mixture. Jonathan did most of the decorating of the cookies—candy corn went around the edge, a yellow candy disc in the center with a red jelley bean for the nose and we made “eyes” with the chocolate. Jonathan said he never wants to see another candy corn!
Wednesday, I rested! I had to, I couldn’t walk. My feet hurt when I stand too long.
Thursday, Christi and Jonathan went with me to assisted living to eat lunch with my dad. He didn’t feel very well but he sure cleaned his plate and ate his piece of cheesecake. The food was good and everyone seemed to have a good time. A lady was at the table next to us and she went ahead and ate her lunch, but her family never showed up. To me that was so sad. The funny thing was that she told us that she and another lady had had a fight over my dad and when she left, she leaned over to him and said, Bye Honey.
Friday, was Thanksgiving over at Christi’s. I have to confess that she is a marvelous cook! Turkey, dressing, corn casserole, broccoli casserole, sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes with fresh green onions mixed in (fresh from Leon’s garden the night before), rolls, sweet tea, coffee, pumpkin pie, coconut pie, pecan pie, and egg custard pie made especially for Scott’s mother. Kila brought a strawberry dessert and her famous pretzels wrapped with bacon. Jonathan made the potatoes and two of the pies. He is really getting good. Alex joined us, which also included Ed, Kila, Reba Underwood, Scott, Christi, and Jonathan. I missed Christopher, but he was working!!!! Scott took him a plate to his work.
I really enjoyed Thanksgiving this year, but I have to admit I miss Charles and my mother. I know they are both in a better place, but this year I had a harder time with it than last year. Maybe it’s the realization they are really, really gone. The good thing is that one day I’ll see them again!
DR
11/26/11
Monday, November 14, 2011
Family
I’ve been thinking a lot about family lately. On my dad’s side, there is no one left but me and my daughter. Everyone is gone. I can’t imagine how he must feel outliving everyone in his family, including his wife. My dad grew up without a father. He was two years old when his dad died from TB. His 22 year old sister also died from TB and he really never knew her either. I grew up with no brothers or sisters and I swore I would have more than one child—well, that didn’t happen and so I have only one daughter.
My mother was the oldest of 13 children. Now, there are only 6 left. After my grandfather died, it seemed that the family never got together again. My grandmother died when she was 88 years old, but she didn’t seem to want everyone together. There were times when she didn’t even speak to my mother. They had a disagreement about something and my grandmother had a tendency to hold a grudge for a long time.
My husband, Charles, has 4 daughters and after his divorce from his first wife, they were all older and never really had anything to do with him. When he first got sick in 1996, I really didn’t know if I should even call them. My mother told me, he is their dad and they need to know—so I did. One daughter started coming to see him almost every year and then when he went on hospice she came down and seemed to act strange. When she got home she wrote him several emails that were so horrible—how he was such a terrible dad. Charles never got over those emails and never mentioned them to her. The youngest daughter drove here from Florida to ask her dad to forgive her for never getting to know him. They both cried. All 4 daughters came to his funeral, how I wished they had come together to see him before he died. The one who wrote the emails told me that they didn’t want people to talk about them if they didn’t show up for the funeral. It’s funny how people think.
Now my dad is in assisted living—if you can call it “living.” He’s in diapers now. He can barely walk some days. Sometimes we can carry on a pretty good conversation, which is better than I could with my mother. He couldn’t accept that my mother was sick. I knew she was but never in a million years would I think that when I brought her to my house she would be here less than 24 hours. She had fallen—not broken a hip—but couldn’t walk. She had Alzheimer’s/dementia and usually didn’t know many people. That evening she knew everyone and kept saying how thankful she was that I had brought her “home.” She visited with 2 of her sisters, some nieces and nephews, and my cousin brought Charles downstairs to see her. He was in a wheelchair then. He rolled right up to her and she said, Hi Charles, how have you been? My mother ate her last meal of fried chicken, gravey, creamed potatoes, homemade biscuits and ate another biscuit and gravey before she went to sleep. She never woke up the next morning. Two weeks later my husband died.
Family—what does that word mean to you? I sit here all alone and most of my family is gone. Thank goodness I have a daughter who means the world to me, but she’s not here in this empty house with me.
I thought I was the only one with a dysfunctional family—but I have learned a lot in the past few years. There’s a lot of you out there. Brothers and sisters who hate each other, sons and daughters that seem to hate their parents.
I go to assisted living and some of those poor people have nobody. Yes, it’s hard for me to see my dad like that and I usually cry all the way back home.
This Thanksgiving what are you thankful for? Are you thankful for your family, or are you holding grudges against some of them?
I see a lot of people on Facebook telling daily what they are thankful for, but are you really thankful? Life is short. You’re only a breath away from eternity. I’ve seen it and I know. This year, call somebody and tell them you love them. Better yet, go see them. Go visit a nursing home and then you can truly see how thankful you are that you have good health.
Family—how is yours?
DR
11/14/11
My mother was the oldest of 13 children. Now, there are only 6 left. After my grandfather died, it seemed that the family never got together again. My grandmother died when she was 88 years old, but she didn’t seem to want everyone together. There were times when she didn’t even speak to my mother. They had a disagreement about something and my grandmother had a tendency to hold a grudge for a long time.
My husband, Charles, has 4 daughters and after his divorce from his first wife, they were all older and never really had anything to do with him. When he first got sick in 1996, I really didn’t know if I should even call them. My mother told me, he is their dad and they need to know—so I did. One daughter started coming to see him almost every year and then when he went on hospice she came down and seemed to act strange. When she got home she wrote him several emails that were so horrible—how he was such a terrible dad. Charles never got over those emails and never mentioned them to her. The youngest daughter drove here from Florida to ask her dad to forgive her for never getting to know him. They both cried. All 4 daughters came to his funeral, how I wished they had come together to see him before he died. The one who wrote the emails told me that they didn’t want people to talk about them if they didn’t show up for the funeral. It’s funny how people think.
Now my dad is in assisted living—if you can call it “living.” He’s in diapers now. He can barely walk some days. Sometimes we can carry on a pretty good conversation, which is better than I could with my mother. He couldn’t accept that my mother was sick. I knew she was but never in a million years would I think that when I brought her to my house she would be here less than 24 hours. She had fallen—not broken a hip—but couldn’t walk. She had Alzheimer’s/dementia and usually didn’t know many people. That evening she knew everyone and kept saying how thankful she was that I had brought her “home.” She visited with 2 of her sisters, some nieces and nephews, and my cousin brought Charles downstairs to see her. He was in a wheelchair then. He rolled right up to her and she said, Hi Charles, how have you been? My mother ate her last meal of fried chicken, gravey, creamed potatoes, homemade biscuits and ate another biscuit and gravey before she went to sleep. She never woke up the next morning. Two weeks later my husband died.
Family—what does that word mean to you? I sit here all alone and most of my family is gone. Thank goodness I have a daughter who means the world to me, but she’s not here in this empty house with me.
I thought I was the only one with a dysfunctional family—but I have learned a lot in the past few years. There’s a lot of you out there. Brothers and sisters who hate each other, sons and daughters that seem to hate their parents.
I go to assisted living and some of those poor people have nobody. Yes, it’s hard for me to see my dad like that and I usually cry all the way back home.
This Thanksgiving what are you thankful for? Are you thankful for your family, or are you holding grudges against some of them?
I see a lot of people on Facebook telling daily what they are thankful for, but are you really thankful? Life is short. You’re only a breath away from eternity. I’ve seen it and I know. This year, call somebody and tell them you love them. Better yet, go see them. Go visit a nursing home and then you can truly see how thankful you are that you have good health.
Family—how is yours?
DR
11/14/11
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Riley
Riley was my mother’s youngest brother, and he was three years younger than me. My mother was the oldest of 12, well 13 if you want to be really accurate. One brother died right after he was born.
After my mother was living in assisted living, I would go over and sometimes a plaque would be off the wall. I would ask her why and she would say that, well you know Riley lives upstairs and he took it off and I don’t know why. Well, Riley was guilty of many things while she was there and she never knew why he did those things. The good part is that he was always there visiting her. You need to know that Riley did not live there and he did not do any of those things and I guess I will never know who did, but I find comfort in that she was never lonely. I know she loved Riley.
I have picked Riley to talk about today because he got killed by a car two years ago today—his 61st birthday. What a shock to all of us. I could never tell my mother or my dad about Riley. My dad had all of his senses, but he could never accept that my mother didn’t and I knew that he would tell her and I didn’t want her to get upset. I’m sure my mother was surprised when she entered heaven and there stood Riley. I miss my mother, but I’m glad that she’s with her mother, dad, some of her sisters and brothers and of course my Charles.
Happy Birthday Riley—you’re missed.
DR
11/9/11
Monday, November 7, 2011
Things You Think About…..
It’s funny how your mind wanders, and all of a sudden a memory comes flooding back
to you. I was just getting ready to go
out and was putting on my cologne and suddenly thought about a conversation I
had with Charles years ago. I told him
that someone told me that I always smell good.
I asked him if he had noticed and he said, you just always smell like
Diane. That was a compliment from
him. When I thought about that, I had to
smile. I miss him.
DR
11/7/11
Sunday, October 30, 2011
EXCUSES
Lately I’ve been finding excuses for a lot of things. What really brought that to my attention was
this morning. I have been “oversleeping”
a lot on Sunday’s. There have been
different “legitimate” excuses, but this morning is almost unbelievable! The time change is NEXT weekend, but my clock
radio changed last night! I woke up, and
of course, I had overslept, but I thought if I hurry I can still make it to
church. I hurried to the kitchen to get
my cup of coffee (I just can’t make it without my daily dose of caffeine) and
all of my clocks were one hour later. I
thought, what the heck is going on? I
should have already left! I checked my
Iphone, computer, and all of the other “battery” operated clocks and they were
all one hour later—only my clock radio had reset itself. What do I do now? The only thing I know to do—check my email,
read the newspaper (especially the obit’s), and get updated on Facebook.
Well, that’s my “excuse” this morning and I’m sticking to
it.
DR
10/30/11
Thursday, October 27, 2011
WORDS
Have you ever thought about the words you use or call someone?
Today I went to see my dad and the new sitter was there with him. I could tell that she is a very caring person. She had just gotten his clean Depends and pants on and then changed his shirt. She washed his face and combed his hair and then she said, Ok Darlin’, let me help you up. I said, boy I bet you feel really pampered, and he said, “I do.” I then said, and especially these names they call you and my dad said, “but they don’t mean it.” I asked Henrietta if she heard what he said and she said yes and I do mean it. My dad grinned. Yes, he’s 89 and loving all the pampering he is getting.
We need to be so careful of how we treat others, and I’m so guilty about being so outspoken and the words just flow out of my mouth. But, I’m trying to “think” before I “speak.” Yes, I’ve had my feelings hurt over some “hurtful names” and it has made me stop and take account of myself. I need to be a better friend. I need to say comforting and helpful things and not say anything mean. Even if I’m kidding—I need to stop before something comes out that I will regret later. Sometimes I think I need to be like I was when I was a kid—never opening my mouth to say anything. My mother was of the opinion that “children should be seen and not heard” and I wasn’t about to dispute her opinion!
Everyday when I wake up, I realize that our time here on earth is so short. We need to live each day like it is our last—because the way people drive it could very well be our last! Be careful of the things you say. If someone is mean to you, maybe they’re just having a bad day. Those are the people you need to be especially kind to. We really don’t know the problems that someone else may be going through and when we ask, “how are you?”, do we really want to know…. I’m sure you have had the same experience that I have had when I answer, all of a sudden that person is not even looking at me anymore and I could walk away and they would never even notice.
Be good to somebody today. Call a friend today and tell them what they mean to you—that may be just the encouragement they need.
Dr
10/27/11
Today I went to see my dad and the new sitter was there with him. I could tell that she is a very caring person. She had just gotten his clean Depends and pants on and then changed his shirt. She washed his face and combed his hair and then she said, Ok Darlin’, let me help you up. I said, boy I bet you feel really pampered, and he said, “I do.” I then said, and especially these names they call you and my dad said, “but they don’t mean it.” I asked Henrietta if she heard what he said and she said yes and I do mean it. My dad grinned. Yes, he’s 89 and loving all the pampering he is getting.
We need to be so careful of how we treat others, and I’m so guilty about being so outspoken and the words just flow out of my mouth. But, I’m trying to “think” before I “speak.” Yes, I’ve had my feelings hurt over some “hurtful names” and it has made me stop and take account of myself. I need to be a better friend. I need to say comforting and helpful things and not say anything mean. Even if I’m kidding—I need to stop before something comes out that I will regret later. Sometimes I think I need to be like I was when I was a kid—never opening my mouth to say anything. My mother was of the opinion that “children should be seen and not heard” and I wasn’t about to dispute her opinion!
Everyday when I wake up, I realize that our time here on earth is so short. We need to live each day like it is our last—because the way people drive it could very well be our last! Be careful of the things you say. If someone is mean to you, maybe they’re just having a bad day. Those are the people you need to be especially kind to. We really don’t know the problems that someone else may be going through and when we ask, “how are you?”, do we really want to know…. I’m sure you have had the same experience that I have had when I answer, all of a sudden that person is not even looking at me anymore and I could walk away and they would never even notice.
Be good to somebody today. Call a friend today and tell them what they mean to you—that may be just the encouragement they need.
Dr
10/27/11
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Detour
Detour
Last night I was on my way to Bible Study and traffic was backed up at the Ridge Cut—as usual. I really felt compelled to turn around and go to Hixson to hear Perry Stone. I’ve really never been a follower of Perry Stone, but I knew I had to go. I got off the interstate and headed back to Hixson. I am so glad that I went. His message was about being the “first born” child. I am a first born child—I am an only child. He also talked about widows—and yes, I am a widow. I can’t explain the message here, I only know that I needed to hear it.
How many times have we really “listened” to our inner voice and made a “detour”? I have done it before. One time I felt compelled to turn into the parking lot of a furniture store. That was the time that a man prayed over me and told me my husband would not have to have a heart transplant. At the time I thought the man was crazy. Two weeks later we were told that Charles didn’t need a heart transplant. For some unknown reason his heart was healing. I didn’t even know that man’s name. The next day I learned his name and he became a good friend. I even sold their home in Ringgold, GA. I’m still friends with him and his wife today. What if I had not heeded that still small voice?
Right now, I feel like a lost person trying to find my way again in the world. Patience has never been one of my virtues. I am learning to be happy in this new phase of my life. Yes, it gets lonely. I’m thankful that Charles insisted on me getting Chloe right after my Tag died. So many deaths in the month of March and he insisted on me getting a new little puppy. How could another puppy ever replace my Tag? Tag who always knew when I was sick and would lay on my stomach. That was the only time she would do that. How did Charles know that after he died that I would hold that little puppy close to me and cry and Chloe would lick my tears? No, Chloe did not take Tag’s place, she’s different. She’s actually more affectionate and stays right by my side. She wants my undivided attention. When someone calls me, I have to go out on the porch or close the door because she barks. She knows my daughter’s and son-in-law’s voice and “talks” to them on the phone. Yes, I know you think I’m crazy—but she has helped me this past year and a half.
What lies ahead? I don’t have any idea. Detours? I don’t know. I’ll just listen to that inner voice and go.
DR
10/20/11
Last night I was on my way to Bible Study and traffic was backed up at the Ridge Cut—as usual. I really felt compelled to turn around and go to Hixson to hear Perry Stone. I’ve really never been a follower of Perry Stone, but I knew I had to go. I got off the interstate and headed back to Hixson. I am so glad that I went. His message was about being the “first born” child. I am a first born child—I am an only child. He also talked about widows—and yes, I am a widow. I can’t explain the message here, I only know that I needed to hear it.
How many times have we really “listened” to our inner voice and made a “detour”? I have done it before. One time I felt compelled to turn into the parking lot of a furniture store. That was the time that a man prayed over me and told me my husband would not have to have a heart transplant. At the time I thought the man was crazy. Two weeks later we were told that Charles didn’t need a heart transplant. For some unknown reason his heart was healing. I didn’t even know that man’s name. The next day I learned his name and he became a good friend. I even sold their home in Ringgold, GA. I’m still friends with him and his wife today. What if I had not heeded that still small voice?
Right now, I feel like a lost person trying to find my way again in the world. Patience has never been one of my virtues. I am learning to be happy in this new phase of my life. Yes, it gets lonely. I’m thankful that Charles insisted on me getting Chloe right after my Tag died. So many deaths in the month of March and he insisted on me getting a new little puppy. How could another puppy ever replace my Tag? Tag who always knew when I was sick and would lay on my stomach. That was the only time she would do that. How did Charles know that after he died that I would hold that little puppy close to me and cry and Chloe would lick my tears? No, Chloe did not take Tag’s place, she’s different. She’s actually more affectionate and stays right by my side. She wants my undivided attention. When someone calls me, I have to go out on the porch or close the door because she barks. She knows my daughter’s and son-in-law’s voice and “talks” to them on the phone. Yes, I know you think I’m crazy—but she has helped me this past year and a half.
What lies ahead? I don’t have any idea. Detours? I don’t know. I’ll just listen to that inner voice and go.
DR
10/20/11
Thursday, August 18, 2011
My Dad Turned 89 Today
My dad turned 89 today. I have to admit that I had to drum up the nerve to go see him. This may be his last birthday we celebrate. He has had good days and bad days lately and I do worry about him. It is so hard to see your dad who was your defender all of your life to become so helpless. I know it has to be hard for him, but part of the beauty of growing old is that it doesn’t matter anymore. He just knows that he is being taken care of, being fed, and being kept clean.
I have so many memories of my dad—you see I was always a daddy’s girl. All of my life I thought my mother was the “bad” one. She was so rigid and my dad was the one I could talk to and be more comfortable with.
When my mother got so bad and I had to put her in the hospital and from there assisted living—my dad became very angry at me. I told him that I didn’t like the way things are either. It was so hard for either of us to handle. I can remember another time when my dad and I had a hard time coping. My mother had gone in for a colonoscopy and the doctor called in by her bed to tell us the results. I’ll never forget when the doctor said “cancer” and he had to operate immediately. My dad and I went to pieces and my mother sailed through the entire thing so calmly. They caught the cancer in time and she never had radiation or chemo. I asked my mother later how she was able to cope with the news of having cancer. Her answer to me was that she knew what she was coping with. She told me it’s the “unknown” that is hard to handle.
When my husband was dying of cancer, he was so happy and he told me that it was ok—that everybody has to take their own turn at dying. I know that we have to take our own turn, but it’s so hard for the people who are left behind.
I’ve had it pretty lucky all of my life. I was never around anyone whom I was really close to who died. A lot of my relatives died when I was a teenager and it’s really different when you’re that age. There’s not a day that goes by now that I don’t think of my husband and my mother. I miss both of them, but I also miss my dad as I remember him before he got in this condition.
Well, my dad was really in good spirits today. I gave him a birthday card with a cat on it that was a cross between Booger and Sparky (two cats he used to have) and on the inside the cat had given him a “hairball.” He laughed. My cousin Leon called and I put him on my speaker phone while he sang “Happy Birthday.” I asked my dad if he knew who that was and he said Leon with a big smile. You always smile when you get that birthday phone call from Leon! Saturday we’re going back—Christi and family and I are all going and I’m going to make one of my dad’s favorites—chocolate chiffon pie with whipped cream!
Happy Birthday Daddy
Dr, 8/18/11
I have so many memories of my dad—you see I was always a daddy’s girl. All of my life I thought my mother was the “bad” one. She was so rigid and my dad was the one I could talk to and be more comfortable with.
When my mother got so bad and I had to put her in the hospital and from there assisted living—my dad became very angry at me. I told him that I didn’t like the way things are either. It was so hard for either of us to handle. I can remember another time when my dad and I had a hard time coping. My mother had gone in for a colonoscopy and the doctor called in by her bed to tell us the results. I’ll never forget when the doctor said “cancer” and he had to operate immediately. My dad and I went to pieces and my mother sailed through the entire thing so calmly. They caught the cancer in time and she never had radiation or chemo. I asked my mother later how she was able to cope with the news of having cancer. Her answer to me was that she knew what she was coping with. She told me it’s the “unknown” that is hard to handle.
When my husband was dying of cancer, he was so happy and he told me that it was ok—that everybody has to take their own turn at dying. I know that we have to take our own turn, but it’s so hard for the people who are left behind.
I’ve had it pretty lucky all of my life. I was never around anyone whom I was really close to who died. A lot of my relatives died when I was a teenager and it’s really different when you’re that age. There’s not a day that goes by now that I don’t think of my husband and my mother. I miss both of them, but I also miss my dad as I remember him before he got in this condition.
Well, my dad was really in good spirits today. I gave him a birthday card with a cat on it that was a cross between Booger and Sparky (two cats he used to have) and on the inside the cat had given him a “hairball.” He laughed. My cousin Leon called and I put him on my speaker phone while he sang “Happy Birthday.” I asked my dad if he knew who that was and he said Leon with a big smile. You always smile when you get that birthday phone call from Leon! Saturday we’re going back—Christi and family and I are all going and I’m going to make one of my dad’s favorites—chocolate chiffon pie with whipped cream!
Happy Birthday Daddy
Dr, 8/18/11
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Normal Day, Except...
Tuesday was a normal day—went to my office, had an appointment in Georgia, and then….
I got into my car and a strange light came on my dash. I looked at the radio area and it said to check my tire pressure. My left rear tire only had 22 pounds in it! I was close to Costco so I headed there. I’ve never dealt with them about tires, but I do shop there frequently since they opened. I drove to the side that said “Tire Center” and there were chains across each opening. I got out and asked a couple of workers if the tire center was already closed and they said no and the manager was right there talking to some other workers. I went over to ask him if someone could look at my tire. He said that normally you go through the front door but since I was already back here, pull a little closer to the building and he would get someone. He didn’t say it in a nice way. I told him that I didn’t know. A very nice guy came out and checked all of my tires and he said, yes you only have 22 pounds in this tire. He checked to see how much my tire was supposed to have and put in the air. I then parked in front and went in for about 45 minutes. He had 32 pounds of air in my tire. When I came out, it has 28 pounds of air. This time I went back inside to the tire center and the nice guy was there at the counter and I told him about my tire. He asked if my car was at the side and I told him no, but I would go get it. When he felt of my tire this time, he felt a nail. I asked him if he could fix it and he told me no BECAUSE IT WAS A NON COSTCO TIRE! I told him him that it was 7:30 p.m. and I live in Marion County, what was I going to do? He put 39 pounds of air in my tire and said that should get me home.
When I got off Signal Mountain Road I drove into WalMart’s tire center. I ran into the door and asked if I could get my tire fixed because it had a nail in it. They asked if I was the woman on the interstate with a nail in her tire and I laughed and said there must be another woman out there with the same problem. I learned later that my daughter had called and they said if I got there before 8 p.m. they would fix it. My son-in-law was trying to call me when I got to WalMart and I just didn’t have time to answer. I walked into WalMart at 5 minutes before 8 p.m.
I thanked God for WalMart and they didn’t refuse me because it was a NON WALMART tire! I was scared that I would have a wreck or blowout on the interstate. Something needs to change at Costco.
DR
7/14/11
I got into my car and a strange light came on my dash. I looked at the radio area and it said to check my tire pressure. My left rear tire only had 22 pounds in it! I was close to Costco so I headed there. I’ve never dealt with them about tires, but I do shop there frequently since they opened. I drove to the side that said “Tire Center” and there were chains across each opening. I got out and asked a couple of workers if the tire center was already closed and they said no and the manager was right there talking to some other workers. I went over to ask him if someone could look at my tire. He said that normally you go through the front door but since I was already back here, pull a little closer to the building and he would get someone. He didn’t say it in a nice way. I told him that I didn’t know. A very nice guy came out and checked all of my tires and he said, yes you only have 22 pounds in this tire. He checked to see how much my tire was supposed to have and put in the air. I then parked in front and went in for about 45 minutes. He had 32 pounds of air in my tire. When I came out, it has 28 pounds of air. This time I went back inside to the tire center and the nice guy was there at the counter and I told him about my tire. He asked if my car was at the side and I told him no, but I would go get it. When he felt of my tire this time, he felt a nail. I asked him if he could fix it and he told me no BECAUSE IT WAS A NON COSTCO TIRE! I told him him that it was 7:30 p.m. and I live in Marion County, what was I going to do? He put 39 pounds of air in my tire and said that should get me home.
When I got off Signal Mountain Road I drove into WalMart’s tire center. I ran into the door and asked if I could get my tire fixed because it had a nail in it. They asked if I was the woman on the interstate with a nail in her tire and I laughed and said there must be another woman out there with the same problem. I learned later that my daughter had called and they said if I got there before 8 p.m. they would fix it. My son-in-law was trying to call me when I got to WalMart and I just didn’t have time to answer. I walked into WalMart at 5 minutes before 8 p.m.
I thanked God for WalMart and they didn’t refuse me because it was a NON WALMART tire! I was scared that I would have a wreck or blowout on the interstate. Something needs to change at Costco.
DR
7/14/11
Friday, July 8, 2011
Dreams
When I was growing up, I watched Perry Mason every week and I wanted to be “Perry Mason” when grew up. Life was so miserable at my house, that I couldn’t wait to graduate from high school and get out of there. The only problem was, back then girls didn’t leave home and get an apartment—it didn’t look right. So, I did the next thing—got married. I stayed married for 18 years and for all of those 18 years, I heard the comment “be content with what you have.” Well, I had nothing and I didn’t realize how miserable I really was. Dreams? I lost sight of that totally. I thought my life would always be the way it was.
I did always dream of having a baby. All of my friends were having babies, why couldn’t I? My husband and I went through many tests and I even took fertility pills. Another lady I worked with was also taking fertility pills and became pregnant. I just couldn’t handle it anymore and I stopped taking fertility pills. One night our pastor prayed about faith and I thanked God that he was going to give me a baby—I didn’t know how, when or where, but I knew that God would answer that prayer. The next night I prayed for a brown haired, blue eyed little girl. God answered that prayer! I do believe in miracles and I have been the mother of that brown haired blue eyed little girl for 40 years. She has blessed me with two wonderful grandsons.
The worst time in my life was when I went through a divorce after 18 years of marriage. That was a very dark period for me and I lost sight of any dreams whatsoever. I found a little magnet that said, “It’s never too late to become what you could have been.” I still have that magnet. I remarried and I have to say that the 25-1/2 years I spent with Charles were the most wonderful years of my life. He taught me new words—instead of “problems”, they became “challenges”. He told me I am smart. He built me up all of the time. I was raised in a very negative family and he pointed me toward positive thoughts and actions. I began to have dreams again.
I feel now that I am too old to become “Perry Mason”, but I have learned that I have many talents and I try to use them.
The reason I’m even writing this about “dreams” is because I attended a meeting last night about the new Dream Center at The Crossing. This Dream Center is going to help others recapture the dreams that they lost and feel that they can’t recapture. I want to help others find the happiness in finding their dreams again like I have. Right now, I’m searching for what lies ahead for me. My plan was to live the rest of my days with Charles, but that didn’t happen. He was my great love and the best example of a Christian I could have had in my life. He helped me work my way back to my Christian life.
Just remember, “It’s never too late to become what you could have been.”
DR
7/8/11
I did always dream of having a baby. All of my friends were having babies, why couldn’t I? My husband and I went through many tests and I even took fertility pills. Another lady I worked with was also taking fertility pills and became pregnant. I just couldn’t handle it anymore and I stopped taking fertility pills. One night our pastor prayed about faith and I thanked God that he was going to give me a baby—I didn’t know how, when or where, but I knew that God would answer that prayer. The next night I prayed for a brown haired, blue eyed little girl. God answered that prayer! I do believe in miracles and I have been the mother of that brown haired blue eyed little girl for 40 years. She has blessed me with two wonderful grandsons.
The worst time in my life was when I went through a divorce after 18 years of marriage. That was a very dark period for me and I lost sight of any dreams whatsoever. I found a little magnet that said, “It’s never too late to become what you could have been.” I still have that magnet. I remarried and I have to say that the 25-1/2 years I spent with Charles were the most wonderful years of my life. He taught me new words—instead of “problems”, they became “challenges”. He told me I am smart. He built me up all of the time. I was raised in a very negative family and he pointed me toward positive thoughts and actions. I began to have dreams again.
I feel now that I am too old to become “Perry Mason”, but I have learned that I have many talents and I try to use them.
The reason I’m even writing this about “dreams” is because I attended a meeting last night about the new Dream Center at The Crossing. This Dream Center is going to help others recapture the dreams that they lost and feel that they can’t recapture. I want to help others find the happiness in finding their dreams again like I have. Right now, I’m searching for what lies ahead for me. My plan was to live the rest of my days with Charles, but that didn’t happen. He was my great love and the best example of a Christian I could have had in my life. He helped me work my way back to my Christian life.
Just remember, “It’s never too late to become what you could have been.”
DR
7/8/11
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Some Days Are Diamonds
Today started just like any other day. I had a phone call to meet some people at a house to measure some rooms. My real estate friend is out of town and we always help each other with our clients. This particular couple I had talked to before when they bought another home about three years ago. A few months ago her 19 year old son drowned and then a couple of weeks later their home burned to the ground. Thankfully, her other son, daughter, and animals made it out alive. I told her about my husband and mother dying last year and I told her I just could not imagine losing my child. Maybe someday she would know why. She told me that she knew exactly why her son had died. This son had witnessed to her husband over and over and not long before he drowned, he told the step father, “what if everything I’ve told you is true?” You see, the stepfather was an atheist. The night of the son’s drowning, the stepfather had a dream. In it, he said it was completely dark but he knew that the stepson was beside him. He said that he could see a bright light—brighter than the sun—but you could see through it. As they got closer, the step son, said I need to go on now and you must go back. Everything I told you is true. The stepfather woke up. As the son was being buried, the stepfather fell down on his knees and asked Jesus to be his Lord and Savior.
As I drove over to show my new listing, I was still thinking about what she had told me and how miraculous that was. The people I met at my listing were a nice couple with two young boys. They have a daughter. They were so nice. The man told me they haven’t been back from Africa very long. I asked why they had been in Africa and he told me they were missionaries there for about 6 years and have come back to put their children through school. They were in Zambia. I told him that my sellers had been missionaries to Honduras and the man had been a bush pilot flying missionaries into Honduras. My sellers and I prayed over this listing that the right people would come along to buy it. The man said everytime they pass the house, they feel drawn to it. I don’t know if they are the ones or not, but for me I have had a very blessed day.
Yes, I can say that this was definitely a “Diamond Day”.
Dr
7/5/11
As I drove over to show my new listing, I was still thinking about what she had told me and how miraculous that was. The people I met at my listing were a nice couple with two young boys. They have a daughter. They were so nice. The man told me they haven’t been back from Africa very long. I asked why they had been in Africa and he told me they were missionaries there for about 6 years and have come back to put their children through school. They were in Zambia. I told him that my sellers had been missionaries to Honduras and the man had been a bush pilot flying missionaries into Honduras. My sellers and I prayed over this listing that the right people would come along to buy it. The man said everytime they pass the house, they feel drawn to it. I don’t know if they are the ones or not, but for me I have had a very blessed day.
Yes, I can say that this was definitely a “Diamond Day”.
Dr
7/5/11
Monday, June 27, 2011
Anxiety
I have to admit that I do have a lot of anxiety. The definition of anxiety is “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” Charles used to say that I would worry that I didn’t have anything to worry about. Lately though, it seems as though so many things have “popped” up that I almost went out of control. I then realized that God is in control of my life and all things happen for a reason. Sometimes we find out and sometimes we never really know, but I do know that all things work themselves out.
The thing that I miss most about Charles is that whenever I would get this way, we could talk and he would always put a funny twist of any situation and make me laugh. Boy, I really miss that. Now, I put my total trust in God that He will work everything out. Sometimes, I can swear that I can hear Charles telling me something funny that I can depend on. I even went to the doctor to make sure that I’m not having a nervous breakdown and the doctor told me that I am fine and handling everything ok. Yes, I even have my sense of humor back and I can actually laugh about most things again. I’ve always said that God has a sense of humor and he picked me to find the humor in a lot of things that happen in my life.
Do I sit around and moan and groan? Sometimes I do and then I pull my boot straps back up and continue on. Life is not meant to always be easy. If life were easy, we wouldn’t be able to enjoy the good things that come our way.
I loved being married to Charles. I loved our life and I loved him more than words could every express. But, I am beginning to enjoy the new life I have now. I have truly enjoyed being with Christi and shopping and eating out and just talking. I feel as though I have been welcomed back into the real world. I love my grandsons and now today I’m going to let Jonathan drive us to the “dump.” Yes, I hold my breath, but he needs driving experience. I have gotten too involved with Christopher’s problems, but he is going to be ok. I’ve learned to listen to Scott (my son-in-law) and get to know him better. And, I miss my Tag that I had for 11-1/2 years, but I so love my little Yorkie, Chloe. She “talks” to me! She is so loving and so much fun! Yes, I miss my mother. I miss being able to call her and our trips to Hamricks together. I miss my dad, even though he is still alive. My dad is not the same anymore. It is so sad to see the people you love grow old and die. This is life!
As you can see, my life has many “new” beginnings. I’m “anxious” to see what God has in store for me.
DR
6/27/11
The thing that I miss most about Charles is that whenever I would get this way, we could talk and he would always put a funny twist of any situation and make me laugh. Boy, I really miss that. Now, I put my total trust in God that He will work everything out. Sometimes, I can swear that I can hear Charles telling me something funny that I can depend on. I even went to the doctor to make sure that I’m not having a nervous breakdown and the doctor told me that I am fine and handling everything ok. Yes, I even have my sense of humor back and I can actually laugh about most things again. I’ve always said that God has a sense of humor and he picked me to find the humor in a lot of things that happen in my life.
Do I sit around and moan and groan? Sometimes I do and then I pull my boot straps back up and continue on. Life is not meant to always be easy. If life were easy, we wouldn’t be able to enjoy the good things that come our way.
I loved being married to Charles. I loved our life and I loved him more than words could every express. But, I am beginning to enjoy the new life I have now. I have truly enjoyed being with Christi and shopping and eating out and just talking. I feel as though I have been welcomed back into the real world. I love my grandsons and now today I’m going to let Jonathan drive us to the “dump.” Yes, I hold my breath, but he needs driving experience. I have gotten too involved with Christopher’s problems, but he is going to be ok. I’ve learned to listen to Scott (my son-in-law) and get to know him better. And, I miss my Tag that I had for 11-1/2 years, but I so love my little Yorkie, Chloe. She “talks” to me! She is so loving and so much fun! Yes, I miss my mother. I miss being able to call her and our trips to Hamricks together. I miss my dad, even though he is still alive. My dad is not the same anymore. It is so sad to see the people you love grow old and die. This is life!
As you can see, my life has many “new” beginnings. I’m “anxious” to see what God has in store for me.
DR
6/27/11
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Choices
Charles died 14 months ago today. I thought I could never face another day without him. Well, here I am and I am happy. Yes, I still think about him and I still miss him. But during the past 14 months, I have learned a lot of things about myself. I like my life. We make choices everyday—what to wear, what to eat, who to see, etc. The choices I’ve had to make are: living alone and liking it or disliking it—I have chosen to like it. I have chosen to be happy and find new things to do. It seems that I have entered into a fourth life.
My first life was lived as Diane German with my parents. I was so quiet and withdrawn. Friends I have now do not believe that, but when I was young I never talked. That’s the way life was when I was growing up.
My second life was lived as Diane Gasaway. I was married for 18 years and we had a daughter, Christi. Actually, that was a bad choice I made. Getting married at 18 was just too young. But, that was the choice I made and I’m glad that I have my daughter, Christi, as a result of that.
My third life was and still is being lived as Diane Rizzo. I married Charles for all of the right reasons. We were madly in love and until the day Charles died, he always said we were still on our honeymoon. I really miss him. He taught me a lot of things. I told him before we married that I would never be submissive. He told me he wanted me to be independent and learn to do things on my own. I have to admit that I truly was submissive but it was easy. The man spoiled me and treated me like a queen. Now, everyday was not perfect—we had our ups and downs—we were human. But, I have to admit that I usually got my way. I love clocks and he made me a lot of them.
Now, I’m in my fourth life. I’m still Diane Rizzo, but who am I really? What lies ahead for me now? I don’t know, but I do know that I am still making choices of what I want to do. The last year of Charles’ life, I realized that “things” are not what makes me happy. We enjoyed his last months together. He wanted to go to bed and hold hands and talk. Now, I have the company of my little Yorkie. She doesn’t talk but she sure acts like she wants to. I enjoy little things. I enjoy my family more. I’m listening more.
Choices make up our entire life. What would I have done differently? Probably nothing. Right now, I love my life, and I want to live everyday to the fullest. I do have some things on my “bucket” list. I’ll have to write about those—but another time.
Take the time to grieve—it’s part of life.
DR
5/22/11
My first life was lived as Diane German with my parents. I was so quiet and withdrawn. Friends I have now do not believe that, but when I was young I never talked. That’s the way life was when I was growing up.
My second life was lived as Diane Gasaway. I was married for 18 years and we had a daughter, Christi. Actually, that was a bad choice I made. Getting married at 18 was just too young. But, that was the choice I made and I’m glad that I have my daughter, Christi, as a result of that.
My third life was and still is being lived as Diane Rizzo. I married Charles for all of the right reasons. We were madly in love and until the day Charles died, he always said we were still on our honeymoon. I really miss him. He taught me a lot of things. I told him before we married that I would never be submissive. He told me he wanted me to be independent and learn to do things on my own. I have to admit that I truly was submissive but it was easy. The man spoiled me and treated me like a queen. Now, everyday was not perfect—we had our ups and downs—we were human. But, I have to admit that I usually got my way. I love clocks and he made me a lot of them.
Now, I’m in my fourth life. I’m still Diane Rizzo, but who am I really? What lies ahead for me now? I don’t know, but I do know that I am still making choices of what I want to do. The last year of Charles’ life, I realized that “things” are not what makes me happy. We enjoyed his last months together. He wanted to go to bed and hold hands and talk. Now, I have the company of my little Yorkie. She doesn’t talk but she sure acts like she wants to. I enjoy little things. I enjoy my family more. I’m listening more.
Choices make up our entire life. What would I have done differently? Probably nothing. Right now, I love my life, and I want to live everyday to the fullest. I do have some things on my “bucket” list. I’ll have to write about those—but another time.
Take the time to grieve—it’s part of life.
DR
5/22/11
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Happy Birthday Christi
Forty years ago I was doubly happy—God gave me exactly what I had prayed for—a brown haired, blue-eyed baby girl. Of course, I didn’t know exactly what color your eyes were yet but I did know you had a full head of hair and it was dark! You were so beautiful! You were also born on the Friday before Mother’s Day. I was finally a mother and I was so happy.
You have made me happy for 40 years and blessed me with two wonderful grandsons. You’ve done a good job with those boys and I’m proud of them and you.
As you grow older, I want you to never stop believing in yourself and also that God is still in the Miracle Business. I have seen you grow in your walk with God and I so admire your dedication. I love seeing your creativity in everything that you—decorating, weddings,--just everything that you touch. Yes, you can do anything that you set out to do. You’ve even drawn me into part of that with my baking. I have so enjoyed baking wedding cakes, anniversary cakes, and especially sharing my baking knowledge with Jonathan. It has even become a “family” affair when you do these things and it has been fun when even your dad and my wife-in-law join in.
I wish I could be around to see you when your grandchildren and great grandchildren see what a great person God has molded you into. I knew when I prayed that God would give me my baby girl that He had a plan for you. I just didn’t know how much.
I want you to know that I love you and I always will. God answers prayer and sometimes we have to wait for his answer and sometimes He answers pretty quickly. But, remember to always pray in detail. You don’t want to pray for just a car—ask for the specifics, like a van that seats 8, plenty of room to carry all of our equipment, dependable, good on gas. Because if you just ask for a car, you might end up with a two-seater sports car and you know that would never work.
Happy Birthday and Happy Mother’s Day
Mom
DR
5/6/11
You have made me happy for 40 years and blessed me with two wonderful grandsons. You’ve done a good job with those boys and I’m proud of them and you.
As you grow older, I want you to never stop believing in yourself and also that God is still in the Miracle Business. I have seen you grow in your walk with God and I so admire your dedication. I love seeing your creativity in everything that you—decorating, weddings,--just everything that you touch. Yes, you can do anything that you set out to do. You’ve even drawn me into part of that with my baking. I have so enjoyed baking wedding cakes, anniversary cakes, and especially sharing my baking knowledge with Jonathan. It has even become a “family” affair when you do these things and it has been fun when even your dad and my wife-in-law join in.
I wish I could be around to see you when your grandchildren and great grandchildren see what a great person God has molded you into. I knew when I prayed that God would give me my baby girl that He had a plan for you. I just didn’t know how much.
I want you to know that I love you and I always will. God answers prayer and sometimes we have to wait for his answer and sometimes He answers pretty quickly. But, remember to always pray in detail. You don’t want to pray for just a car—ask for the specifics, like a van that seats 8, plenty of room to carry all of our equipment, dependable, good on gas. Because if you just ask for a car, you might end up with a two-seater sports car and you know that would never work.
Happy Birthday and Happy Mother’s Day
Mom
DR
5/6/11
Monday, April 25, 2011
Ladies Spring Soiree
I’m getting excited about dressing up. I know that sounds crazy, but when I first heard about the “Ladies Spring Soiree”, I said what the heck is that? Well, we’re having a luncheon based on dressing in your Derby Best Attire. The more I thought about it, the more excited I have become. My thoughts especially went back to the movie “Pretty Woman” and how beautiful Julia Roberts was when she dressed up to go to the races. Christi and I went shopping for hats and I do believe that we will look our best. In my teenage years, I used to wear a hat all of the time and I even found a picture of me with a large hat on. I loved hats. I have even decided to buy a dress! Yes, this body has not had on a dress in many years. It’s a little scary when I think about it, but I also get excited about playing dress up.
Some of the women have asked do they have to dress up. Oh come on, let’s dress up and have fun! You can wear jeans any ole day. Let’s look prim and proper for a change. You know, we may just start a new trend!
DR
4-22-11
Some of the women have asked do they have to dress up. Oh come on, let’s dress up and have fun! You can wear jeans any ole day. Let’s look prim and proper for a change. You know, we may just start a new trend!
DR
4-22-11
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Another Birthday
Well, I’ve made it to another birthday without you, Charles. I never thought that I could make it one day without you and now it has been over a year. Looking back, I’m glad that you taught me so many things and I’m so thankful for all of the talks we had. We had a lot of health scares in the last 14 years of your life and each time we would get out all of the papers to make sure that I would be ok after you were gone. We even joked about your new “apartment” up on the mantle. Now, I look at the mantle and you are there in your new “apartment.” Well, you’re really not right there, I know you must be dancing all over heaven and having the time of your life.
I have so many things to be thankful for. Since last year, I finally got on that new weight plan you wanted me to do—not so much to look better but so that I would be healthier and live longer. Losing weight has helped me get off one of my blood pressure pills and hopefully next year I’ll be off of them completely. I have learned that I actually love my new life, although I miss you terribly. I never know when something will happen that will make me cry uncontrollably, but at least I am here and only Chloe sees me. I do believe that dog really wants to talk to me and just can’t.
I love spending time with Christi and I have found new joy in spending time with my grandsons. I have loved baking and cooking with Jonathan and I do hope that he does become a wonderful Chef. I never knew that two boys growing up in the same household could be so different, but I am thankful for Christopher’s outgoing personality and I know that whatever part of the ministry he goes into, he will do well. I admire my son-in-law, Scott, for the part he takes in taking his mother to work and now to her chemo treatments. I know how hard that can be.
Life is full of challenges and I’m so glad that Charles taught me that I’m not always being punished when something “bad” happens. The word “challenge” seems so much better than “problem”. I always loved that when a new challenge came up, we talked about if we could solve it or is this a challenge we need to just deal with or cope with. The biggest challenge for us was when your cancer came back. Yes, it was hard to watch someone die and there was nothing anyone could do—but this is life. From the moment we are born, we know that someday we will die. Everyone gets their turn. I saw first hand how God can give “dying grace” and you were so happy until the day you died. I just couldn’t understand why or how you could be so happy when it was the end of the world for me. I know that my life is not finished here yet, and I’m still searching to know what I’m supposed to do. I do know that God has given me peace.
Well, another birthday—what lies in the year to come? I’m excited to find out.
DR
4/12/11
I have so many things to be thankful for. Since last year, I finally got on that new weight plan you wanted me to do—not so much to look better but so that I would be healthier and live longer. Losing weight has helped me get off one of my blood pressure pills and hopefully next year I’ll be off of them completely. I have learned that I actually love my new life, although I miss you terribly. I never know when something will happen that will make me cry uncontrollably, but at least I am here and only Chloe sees me. I do believe that dog really wants to talk to me and just can’t.
I love spending time with Christi and I have found new joy in spending time with my grandsons. I have loved baking and cooking with Jonathan and I do hope that he does become a wonderful Chef. I never knew that two boys growing up in the same household could be so different, but I am thankful for Christopher’s outgoing personality and I know that whatever part of the ministry he goes into, he will do well. I admire my son-in-law, Scott, for the part he takes in taking his mother to work and now to her chemo treatments. I know how hard that can be.
Life is full of challenges and I’m so glad that Charles taught me that I’m not always being punished when something “bad” happens. The word “challenge” seems so much better than “problem”. I always loved that when a new challenge came up, we talked about if we could solve it or is this a challenge we need to just deal with or cope with. The biggest challenge for us was when your cancer came back. Yes, it was hard to watch someone die and there was nothing anyone could do—but this is life. From the moment we are born, we know that someday we will die. Everyone gets their turn. I saw first hand how God can give “dying grace” and you were so happy until the day you died. I just couldn’t understand why or how you could be so happy when it was the end of the world for me. I know that my life is not finished here yet, and I’m still searching to know what I’m supposed to do. I do know that God has given me peace.
Well, another birthday—what lies in the year to come? I’m excited to find out.
DR
4/12/11
Monday, April 11, 2011
Vacation - 2011
This is the first vacation I’ve had in a long, long time. It was amazingly good! We, Christi, Scott, and Jonathan, drove to Orlando and had a very nice drive. The first 2 days we spent at a motel that was really nice—but we couldn’t get the shower to work, the cable was out, the wi-fi was out, a light was out, and we couldn’t get anyone to answer the phone to complain. The next day we did and they fixed the shower but they had had a lightening strike and the wi fi was still down. All in all, we had a good time there. We then drove to the house Christi had found on line, and it was as good as the ad—maybe even better. I had gotten on line and found the tax records so I knew that it was a nice house in a nice neighborhood. On Tuesday we drove to the airport and picked up Christopher and his girlfriend, Megan. I was a little skeptical at how this would turn out, but I do believe that Megan is a good influence for our Christopher. They are both Freshmen at Lee College.
The next day we went to Disneyland and I do believe that Hell has moved to Orlando. It was hot and we could barely move because it was so crowded and it seemed that everyone had gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. I decided that would be my first and last visit to the Magic Kingdom. I have to admit that even though I’m not a fan of parades, the electric parade that night was absolutely beautiful.
The next day I could barely get out bed. I could not fathom the thought of another theme park and the droves of people there. But, we all climbed into the van again and off we went to Universal studios. I was pleasantly surprised that the crowd had thinned and we could actually see the ground underneath our feet. I began to think that the Florida trip had taken a turn for the better.
The next day we went back for the Islands of Adventure and I guess everyone had rested up, because THEY were back! It was hotter and the crowd was thicker. The difference was that they weren’t as rude as day 1. The best part of the day were the two water rides for me. Normally, I don’t want to walk around like I just stepped out of a swimming pool with all of my clothes on, but it was hot and I didn’t care. None of cared! We even thought about doing it again, but we decided to eat again and go home.
On Saturday we took a day of rest and stayed at the house. We had a wonderful swimming pool and Scott grilled chicken and we had our dinner sitting around the pool. What a great time!
We told Megan if she survived a week with all of us, then she would be a keeper! Oh, I forgot to talk about Chloe (my little Yorkie). She did great! And, Jonathan really stayed close to me and helped me with Chloe. All in all, our trip was great and I believe we all got a little closer to each other. Families need each other and we need to tell each other how much we care.
The next day we went to Disneyland and I do believe that Hell has moved to Orlando. It was hot and we could barely move because it was so crowded and it seemed that everyone had gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. I decided that would be my first and last visit to the Magic Kingdom. I have to admit that even though I’m not a fan of parades, the electric parade that night was absolutely beautiful.
The next day I could barely get out bed. I could not fathom the thought of another theme park and the droves of people there. But, we all climbed into the van again and off we went to Universal studios. I was pleasantly surprised that the crowd had thinned and we could actually see the ground underneath our feet. I began to think that the Florida trip had taken a turn for the better.
The next day we went back for the Islands of Adventure and I guess everyone had rested up, because THEY were back! It was hotter and the crowd was thicker. The difference was that they weren’t as rude as day 1. The best part of the day were the two water rides for me. Normally, I don’t want to walk around like I just stepped out of a swimming pool with all of my clothes on, but it was hot and I didn’t care. None of cared! We even thought about doing it again, but we decided to eat again and go home.
On Saturday we took a day of rest and stayed at the house. We had a wonderful swimming pool and Scott grilled chicken and we had our dinner sitting around the pool. What a great time!
We told Megan if she survived a week with all of us, then she would be a keeper! Oh, I forgot to talk about Chloe (my little Yorkie). She did great! And, Jonathan really stayed close to me and helped me with Chloe. All in all, our trip was great and I believe we all got a little closer to each other. Families need each other and we need to tell each other how much we care.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Yes, I Can!
Before Charles and I got married, I told him that there was something in the wedding vows I would not commit to. He asked what that could be and I told him, submission. I would never be submissive again. He told me that he wanted me to learn to be independent and think on my own. Wow!
I can also remember right after Charles and I got married, I asked him to go to Loveman’s with me at lunchtime. We stopped in front of a cosmetics counter and I explained to him that I really loved this particular lotion and cologne. I explained that the lotion was a little high. He stood there a few moments and said, I don’t know why you’re showing me this. It appears to me that instead of buying the small lotion, it would be better if you bought the large size—it will last longer and is cheaper by the ounce. Anyway, this is not a luxury, this is a necessity and you don’t have to ask my permission. I thought then and there, this man is definitely a KEEPER!
Yesterday turned out to be a difficult day for me. I didn’t think that it would—but I was wrong. I finally decided to clean myself up and get out of the house. I went over to Christi’s and we (including Scott) went to Costco and shopped around and then we went to eat. While we were there, a couple that Scott and Christi know, came in. We talked to them awhile after we all finished eating. It was refreshing to hear about their trips to Belize to help people who are less fortunate than us. He told me how he had taken several wringer type washing machines there and how thankful they were to get them. He told me how the pastor there had gotten so creative that he created a shower out of a refrigerator. How can I feel so sorry for myself when I have so many luxuries of life?
The night Charles died, I wondered how I could ever live one day without him. This was the first time in my life I had ever been faced with living alone. Well, I’ve made it a year. I have found that I am independent and yes, I can make it. I actually love my life. I come and go when I choose. I choose who I want to spend my time with. I enjoy everything that I do now.
Thank you Charles for teaching me how to take care of myself. I miss you terribly, but thank you. I know you’re in heaven watching and waiting.
DR
3/22/11
I can also remember right after Charles and I got married, I asked him to go to Loveman’s with me at lunchtime. We stopped in front of a cosmetics counter and I explained to him that I really loved this particular lotion and cologne. I explained that the lotion was a little high. He stood there a few moments and said, I don’t know why you’re showing me this. It appears to me that instead of buying the small lotion, it would be better if you bought the large size—it will last longer and is cheaper by the ounce. Anyway, this is not a luxury, this is a necessity and you don’t have to ask my permission. I thought then and there, this man is definitely a KEEPER!
Yesterday turned out to be a difficult day for me. I didn’t think that it would—but I was wrong. I finally decided to clean myself up and get out of the house. I went over to Christi’s and we (including Scott) went to Costco and shopped around and then we went to eat. While we were there, a couple that Scott and Christi know, came in. We talked to them awhile after we all finished eating. It was refreshing to hear about their trips to Belize to help people who are less fortunate than us. He told me how he had taken several wringer type washing machines there and how thankful they were to get them. He told me how the pastor there had gotten so creative that he created a shower out of a refrigerator. How can I feel so sorry for myself when I have so many luxuries of life?
The night Charles died, I wondered how I could ever live one day without him. This was the first time in my life I had ever been faced with living alone. Well, I’ve made it a year. I have found that I am independent and yes, I can make it. I actually love my life. I come and go when I choose. I choose who I want to spend my time with. I enjoy everything that I do now.
Thank you Charles for teaching me how to take care of myself. I miss you terribly, but thank you. I know you’re in heaven watching and waiting.
DR
3/22/11
Monday, March 21, 2011
Please March 2011 Go Away
When March of this year started, it seemed as though I was on some sort of countdown. This time last year was the last night I would ever have my Charles. What would I have done differently? None of us ever know when it is our time to die. I could die tomorrow or I could even die tonight. We just don’t know. But, I keep thinking about what I did last year—how could I have done things differently. Oh, if I could have known and sat by Charles’ bed all night and never left his side. But, we don’t know and we can’t beat ourselves up for something we didn’t do or something we didn’t say.
I never knew that I would feel the way I have felt since Charles died. Yes, Charles left me in good shape financially and tried to have everything fixed for me that needed repairs in the house. It’s just not the same when you are alone. What good is a “fun” car when your “fun” person is not here to hear you talk about it.
I could tell Charles anything and everything. When we first started going together, we could talk for hours and hours. He was so smart. Now, I have a little Yorkie who listens to me and turns her little head this way and that, but she doesn’t have anything to say in return. Thank goodness I have her though, because now I look forward to coming home because she’s so happy to see me.
Please March 2011 go away so I can think about other things instead of how lonely I am and how much I miss the love of my life. I am just thankful that Charles is at peace now and in a much better place. I just need to get my life together because I’m still here and I’m sure that I am supposed to do more with my life before it’s my time to go. I loved you Charles and I still do.
DR
3/21/11
I never knew that I would feel the way I have felt since Charles died. Yes, Charles left me in good shape financially and tried to have everything fixed for me that needed repairs in the house. It’s just not the same when you are alone. What good is a “fun” car when your “fun” person is not here to hear you talk about it.
I could tell Charles anything and everything. When we first started going together, we could talk for hours and hours. He was so smart. Now, I have a little Yorkie who listens to me and turns her little head this way and that, but she doesn’t have anything to say in return. Thank goodness I have her though, because now I look forward to coming home because she’s so happy to see me.
Please March 2011 go away so I can think about other things instead of how lonely I am and how much I miss the love of my life. I am just thankful that Charles is at peace now and in a much better place. I just need to get my life together because I’m still here and I’m sure that I am supposed to do more with my life before it’s my time to go. I loved you Charles and I still do.
DR
3/21/11
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Lent - 2011
Today is the beginning of Lent, Wednesday, March 9, 2011. I can’t remember the year, but this particular Lent, Charles decided that he would go to mass everyday for 40 days. He got up every morning and attended mass. He told me that it was okay if I didn’t go because this was what he wanted to do, not me. I remember feeling so guilty when he would leave. I also was so impressed that Charles never tried to make me feel guilty that I didn’t go. He never said a word to me. I have never forgotten the impression he made on me. That’s the way we should be to others—not someone who condemns and tells someone else what their failures are, but just set an example.
Everyday of our lives someone is looking at us—watching our every action, every word that comes out of our mouths. I know that I fall short so many times.
I know everyone does not observe Lent the way Catholics do, but maybe this Easter season we can remember to be better examples to others. I don’t think that I could have gotten up every morning for 40 mornings and gone to mass. I did good to get to church once a week—but I was not condemned for not doing so.
Charles you taught me a lot in our years together and this is one thing I will never forget.
DR
3/9/11
Everyday of our lives someone is looking at us—watching our every action, every word that comes out of our mouths. I know that I fall short so many times.
I know everyone does not observe Lent the way Catholics do, but maybe this Easter season we can remember to be better examples to others. I don’t think that I could have gotten up every morning for 40 mornings and gone to mass. I did good to get to church once a week—but I was not condemned for not doing so.
Charles you taught me a lot in our years together and this is one thing I will never forget.
DR
3/9/11
Friday, March 4, 2011
My Mother
I find it so hard to believe that my mother has been gone almost a year. It will be Sunday, March 6. When I think back to a year ago, I don’t know how I survived. My mother had fallen at assisted living and even though she had not broken her hip, she could not raise up or walk, much less feed herself. I was in a turmoil of what to do. My husband, Charles, was in a wheelchair and I knew that the end was getting near for him and I couldn’t bear the thoughts of my mother downstairs on hospice and my husband upstairs on hospice. I decided to bring my mother to my house. The ambulance got her here about 5:30 p.m. and she had a wonderful time with two of her sisters, Genell and Reida, and Leon, Debbie, and Kristin. Leon brought Charles downstairs and my mother knew who he was and she had not seen him in about 6 months. In fact, my mother was more lucid than she had been in the past 2 or 3 years. Genell cooked her fried chicken, gravy, homemade biscuits, mashed potatoes and my mother just ate and ate. They all laughed and joked. I didn’t get to spend very much time with her because I had to go back to the assisted living and get her medicine, some clothes, and tell my dad she was at my house.
I came back home and everyone was leaving. Debbie was making my mother comfortable and washing her off. My mother asked if she could have one more biscuit and gravy. I fixed what I had left and she said, boy that Genell sure is stingy with her gravy. We called Genell to see if she had more gravy at her house and she sent more. I told my mother that Debbie was going to spoil her and she said that Debbie had already done that.
Debbie spent the night and checked on her throughout the night. My mother was dreaming of more biscuits and gravy and two country fried eggs for breakfast.
The next morning I ran down the steps to see if she was ok and Debbie and I looked in on her and she was snoring like a freight train. I sat downstairs and Debbie and I talked for a little while and then I said I had better go back upstairs and get dressed and see about Charles. Debbie said she would go ahead and wake my mother. As soon as she walked in my mother’s room, she said it was totally quiet. My mother was gone. She was at my house less than 24 hours and never woke up again.
I could not believe it. My consolation to this day is my mother kept saying, “I am so happy Diane brought me home.”
Now my dad is on hospice and I’m so afraid he’s going to make this March another one I won’t be able to forget.
Life is short. It’s much shorter than I have every imagined. Live everyday to the fullest and be good to your mom and dad, they may not be here tomorrow.
DR
3/4/11
I came back home and everyone was leaving. Debbie was making my mother comfortable and washing her off. My mother asked if she could have one more biscuit and gravy. I fixed what I had left and she said, boy that Genell sure is stingy with her gravy. We called Genell to see if she had more gravy at her house and she sent more. I told my mother that Debbie was going to spoil her and she said that Debbie had already done that.
Debbie spent the night and checked on her throughout the night. My mother was dreaming of more biscuits and gravy and two country fried eggs for breakfast.
The next morning I ran down the steps to see if she was ok and Debbie and I looked in on her and she was snoring like a freight train. I sat downstairs and Debbie and I talked for a little while and then I said I had better go back upstairs and get dressed and see about Charles. Debbie said she would go ahead and wake my mother. As soon as she walked in my mother’s room, she said it was totally quiet. My mother was gone. She was at my house less than 24 hours and never woke up again.
I could not believe it. My consolation to this day is my mother kept saying, “I am so happy Diane brought me home.”
Now my dad is on hospice and I’m so afraid he’s going to make this March another one I won’t be able to forget.
Life is short. It’s much shorter than I have every imagined. Live everyday to the fullest and be good to your mom and dad, they may not be here tomorrow.
DR
3/4/11
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day - February 14, 2011
This Valentine’s Day was really beautiful and warm! I am actually beginning to feel good about myself and who I am. Yeah, here I am on Medicare and I’m still trying to find out who I am and why I’m here. I have to admit I’m beginning to enjoy life and getting out and having a good time. Charles knew what he was doing when he bought me my fun car. I believe I’m going to really enjoy it this year. I’m going to keep that top down and play my XM radio as loud it will go. As my grandson, Christopher, told me I’m going to be one “hot Mimi.” Everytime I think about that I just have to smile.
I’m so glad that I’m getting to be with my friends and family. I really love my life. I’m just still missing my one and only Valentine.
DR
2/14/11
I’m so glad that I’m getting to be with my friends and family. I really love my life. I’m just still missing my one and only Valentine.
DR
2/14/11
Monday, January 24, 2011
It's Tax Time Again
Today my CPA called me and I told him that I was getting ready to call him to set up an appointment for my 2010 taxes. He told me he was doing my 2009 taxes and they will be ready next week. Now, let me explain what has happened. Last year I had an appointment and I completely forgot it because my mother’s funeral was on that day. Then two weeks later Charles died. I had so many things to do, I remembered in September of 2010. I took him all my stuff. He told me not to worry because I didn’t owe anything.
Today he told me he had a hard time looking over our taxes because he just can’t believe that Charles is gone. He always looked forward to seeing Charles come in because he would be so funny. I shared with David how happy Charles was to die and he wanted me to be happy and have fun after he was gone. I told him that Charles had tried to have things repaired and he also kept ordering me things that I would say that I would like to have. The UPS and FedEx drivers kept our driveway hot until Charles wasn’t able to get into the computer and order anything else. David told me that he sees a lot of couples and he could truly say that Charles really loved me and I was Charles’ crown jewel. You know, Charles always told me how much he loved me and that I had no concept of how much that was. I can say now, looking back, that he did love me more than I had ever realized.
I’ve had a rough few days because every month on the 22nd, I think of him. Now it has been 10 months. How the time has flown and yet it has crept along. Yes, I have made it and yes, I know I’m all right. No, I don’t like this new life, but I have adjusted. I’m not a quitter and I know that life is just different. Charles taught me a long time ago that we face a lot of life’s challenges and it’s how we deal with them or if we can correct them. This life without my soulmate is just something I’m learning to deal with. I actually like living alone. Well, I’m not completely alone. I have this little Yorkie who drives me insane sometimes. I’m so glad that Charles insisted on getting her. When I’m sad she acts like she understands. Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but animals do have instincts. She has even licked my tears and that makes me laugh.
I read on Facebook today about someone who would like to go back in their lifetime and be at a time period when they thought they were happiest. Yes, I would love to go back too, but we learn with each new experience. We are who we are with each decision that we make—whether it ‘s a good choice or a bad choice. We can’t go back—we can only go forward.
Well, it’s tax time again.
Dr
1/24/11
Today he told me he had a hard time looking over our taxes because he just can’t believe that Charles is gone. He always looked forward to seeing Charles come in because he would be so funny. I shared with David how happy Charles was to die and he wanted me to be happy and have fun after he was gone. I told him that Charles had tried to have things repaired and he also kept ordering me things that I would say that I would like to have. The UPS and FedEx drivers kept our driveway hot until Charles wasn’t able to get into the computer and order anything else. David told me that he sees a lot of couples and he could truly say that Charles really loved me and I was Charles’ crown jewel. You know, Charles always told me how much he loved me and that I had no concept of how much that was. I can say now, looking back, that he did love me more than I had ever realized.
I’ve had a rough few days because every month on the 22nd, I think of him. Now it has been 10 months. How the time has flown and yet it has crept along. Yes, I have made it and yes, I know I’m all right. No, I don’t like this new life, but I have adjusted. I’m not a quitter and I know that life is just different. Charles taught me a long time ago that we face a lot of life’s challenges and it’s how we deal with them or if we can correct them. This life without my soulmate is just something I’m learning to deal with. I actually like living alone. Well, I’m not completely alone. I have this little Yorkie who drives me insane sometimes. I’m so glad that Charles insisted on getting her. When I’m sad she acts like she understands. Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but animals do have instincts. She has even licked my tears and that makes me laugh.
I read on Facebook today about someone who would like to go back in their lifetime and be at a time period when they thought they were happiest. Yes, I would love to go back too, but we learn with each new experience. We are who we are with each decision that we make—whether it ‘s a good choice or a bad choice. We can’t go back—we can only go forward.
Well, it’s tax time again.
Dr
1/24/11
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Clocks
Today the Klockit catalog came in the mail. As I thumbed through it, I remembered how we would choose a new clock to be made. It was so exciting to know that I would get another clock. Most people hang pictures on the wall and I’ve always joked about how many clocks I have hanging. It seems there are so many things that still remind me of you, and yet I can’t seem to remember even the sound of your voice. I will play some of our videos so I can hear your voice again.
Several of these catalogs have come since you died, and each time I wish you were still here. I’m glad this one doesn’t have one that makes me want it. The only clock I wish you could have made me was a cuckoo clock and we just never spent enough time trying to figure out which one we liked.
Well, I have many clocks to remember you by and nobody will ever be able to take your place. I miss you.
DR
1/16/11
Several of these catalogs have come since you died, and each time I wish you were still here. I’m glad this one doesn’t have one that makes me want it. The only clock I wish you could have made me was a cuckoo clock and we just never spent enough time trying to figure out which one we liked.
Well, I have many clocks to remember you by and nobody will ever be able to take your place. I miss you.
DR
1/16/11
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Another Year Gone - 2010
It is now 25 minutes until 2011 begins. I so hope that the new year will be better than 2010. As I look back, there was so much sadness. I wouldn’t take anything for the time I was able to spend with Charles before he died. This time last year, Charles and I were waiting for 2010 to begin. When midnight came, Charles said, well, I made it to 2010. This year, I am awaiting the new year with my my daughter and family, and my cousins, Ginger and Kristin. How different my life has become.
I’m glad that the holidays are going to be finally over and my depression may get better. I have many things to be thankful for:
• My dad is still alive and doing ok
• My daughter got a job this past year and is doing well
• My grandson, Christopher, has already completed one semester of college
• My other grandson, Jonathan, has made it to high school
• I have cousins and an aunt who live next to me who watch out for me and help me
• Of couse I have been able to help some others this past year
• Charles left me in a comfortable position—my house is paid, my car is paid, my truck is paid—and I get a nice monthly income from Charles
• I have a wonderful little Yorkie, Chloe, who has kept me from being lonely
• I have already been snowed in and my power stayed on
• I have had a couple of closings and even wrote an offer today
• My mother did not suffer and was happy when she died
• Charles did not suffer and was ready to die
• I am learning to be happy again
My list could go on and on, but I needed to write down a few things to remind me how God has blessed me through all of the sorrow and sadness. I’ve learned that it’s ok to grieve.
What does the year 2011 hold for us? I don’t know, but I’ll just take one day at a time and live it to the fullest.
DR
12/31/10
I’m glad that the holidays are going to be finally over and my depression may get better. I have many things to be thankful for:
• My dad is still alive and doing ok
• My daughter got a job this past year and is doing well
• My grandson, Christopher, has already completed one semester of college
• My other grandson, Jonathan, has made it to high school
• I have cousins and an aunt who live next to me who watch out for me and help me
• Of couse I have been able to help some others this past year
• Charles left me in a comfortable position—my house is paid, my car is paid, my truck is paid—and I get a nice monthly income from Charles
• I have a wonderful little Yorkie, Chloe, who has kept me from being lonely
• I have already been snowed in and my power stayed on
• I have had a couple of closings and even wrote an offer today
• My mother did not suffer and was happy when she died
• Charles did not suffer and was ready to die
• I am learning to be happy again
My list could go on and on, but I needed to write down a few things to remind me how God has blessed me through all of the sorrow and sadness. I’ve learned that it’s ok to grieve.
What does the year 2011 hold for us? I don’t know, but I’ll just take one day at a time and live it to the fullest.
DR
12/31/10
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